Ask Me Help Desk - Trouble having an orgasm

Sigh all right this is a bit frustrating so *** only post if your experienced with this type of thing... I am having a really hard time with having an orgasm... I can actually do it myself really well by combination of physical stimulation and mental stimulation... I usually have to fantasize about something in order to reach my climax... not really sure if this is normal for most women.. but in any event... its almost impossible for me to orgasm with my partner... more so because I'm trying to focus on him... how can I fix this? Or is it normal to have to fantasize in order to orgasm... I don't really know... kinda embarrassing to talk about with my friends you know...

For me,mostly I concentrate on the sensations building up to orgasm.

Being on top helps as I can control the movements,and if I need a fantasy to bring me over the edge I use one.

If I want my partner to use a fantasy and talk me through it,ill ask.

If I need him to do something more or less,ill ask.

If I need him to stop moving,ill ask.

The general theme here is,talk about it,let him know what you need.

Talk about what you like in sex,before sex! or when your both relaxed.

If you can't talk about it,how will he know?

To be perfectly honest I don't think about him during my orgasm,or the minutes before it,just the overwhelming sensation.

Its not so much of a what I like type deal because I know what I like... he knows what I like how I like it... dont get me wrong the sex is great... I guess I need to try more to concentrate on the sensation maybe?perhaps that is the key... im usually very relaxed during sex... my best chances for an orgasm are either on top because I can control it... or missionary... doggy style just usually produces an incredibly intense sensation from him hitting my gspot... which is phenomenal but doesn't ever lead to an orgasm.. the point I'm trying to make is I want to be able to do it without fantasizing... because if I do I feel like I'm cheating somehow... not cheating as in on him... but cheating like I shouldn't have to do that to get there you know?

MOST women cannot orgasm from sex. It just doesn't happen. The nerve endings just aren't right for it.

Many women have to self-stimulate their clitoris to have an orgasm during sex.

What are you fantasizing about? Is it something unhealthy?

nooooo nothing unhealthy... usually its just random things I've watched from different flicks stuff like that... its not bad...

Hi. From my modest experience I found that it is just very different from woman to woman, what is needed to climb that mountain... Some will orgasm just with inner-course, multiple times (which made it really easy on me :) ). But others require a little bit of manual or oral handling. It is not positive or negative. It's just that physically the anatomy of both partners and the position may not really stimulate the clitoris enough, or the "g spot". Mentally/psychologically you may need something that you are not getting - either an emotional connection, a different "style" (rough vs romantic vs mechanic / silent vs sound feedback). In my opinion, you need to talk with your partner and let him know if there's something that he can do to take you up there... But it may simply be that you need more clitoris stimulation than sex may give you... Whatever you fantasize, why can't you put it in practice? If it's something that you are already doing but still you need to close your eyes and imagine it, then just do it and imagine. Life is to short to miss out...

To have an orgasm a woman needs stimulation to her clitoris, more than any other part of her anatomy, not rough gentle you can of course use toys or the real thing, but whatever you do you need to stimulate the clitoris or it wont happen.

You could also get your partner to try a cock ring they help.

The clitoris is outside the vagina just up from it a little.
Yes you may already know this but many women dont.
If in doubt get the mirror out and have a look,

Great advice given.

First, I'm a guy. My experience with this is second hand... but there is overlap.

You are having trouble losing yourself in the moment while focusing on him. Its no different on this side... if I focus only on myself, its an easy buildup... if I'm focused on a lovers needs and her desires, its more complicated. I'm less lost in the moment and split among several areas.

Do you self stimulate during sex... meaining while he is inside you, are you willing to use your fingers to stimulate yourself to orgasm?

If you haven't tried, please do.

Personally, I absolutely am turned on by a woman "self helping" during sex. It means she needs this orgasm and is willing to push herself there one way or another.

Seriously.

You might be self conscious about it at first. But do yourself a favor and embrace what you might know privately but have not shared with others.

A woman who is willing to ask for what she needs, whether its patient sensual touch before sex or focused, directed self stim during sex, is a woman who is more likely to know how to get herself to the Big O.

The "easiest" lover I have ever had in terms of getting her to orgasm, needed direct wet finger stim at the clitoris while I was inside her.

But the next lover... she was "wired" differently... she didn't like me using my fingers... she needed her touch.

Get past the mental block of "this is weird"... its not... it is sexy as sin. It is a woman demanding to be satisfied. And that is so much fun to be around.

I definantly have a good understanding of the female anatomy.. I know where my clitoris is and my g spot.. trust me I know all about ME... but kp what I never considered is that I do rather focus too much on pleasing my partner.. it rather detracts from my own personal pleasure.. funny your a guy but you have kind of posted the best advice on here... I am rather shy about self stimulating in front of him... give you a good example... I can use a vibrator and do it in like under 5 minutes.. simple... im deployed right now so he asked me to try it on cam with him one night and I was very reluctant to do it... and he played with me and finished and I just couldn't do it... because I was too concerned with him watching... and that's ME using my own skill... 10 minutes later I still couldn't do it and wasn't even close... im extremely selfconcious in bed... I have 2 children and to be honest I look very good to have to children... I don't have stomach stretch marks like most although I do have them in other places... if I don't tell people they don't realize I've had children... im not bad looking at all so I have no reason to be like this... and your right I do feel as though its "weird" but ill try this next time I'm with him.. I have a while to wait... but this guy is something special to me and I just want to make him happy and be happy with him..

It seems as though you can relate to what KP says but shyness or embarrassment is getting in the way.

I used to find self-stimulation in front of my hubby rather awkward. Like I was trying to do a second-rate impression of a porn star or something. I was also brought up as a 'good catholic girl' which meant that sex was rather naughty. Believe me once you break though your misgivings it is well worth it. And yes, hubby finds it all rather exciting to watch.

As for the stretch marks, I too managed to remain clear of them apart from inside my legs right at the top, guess there was a lot of stretching going on down there when the babies emerged lol. If this is where yours are believe me if your partner's attention is focused down there it won't be the stretch marks he is looking at.

Next time you masturbate alone how about imagining your partner is watching and see what feelings that evokes, try and really understand exactly what the feelings are. Once we can name negative feelings and recognise them we can challenge them, and pretty soon they start to dissolve.

It might also help to realise that once a person is really into the sex all the little things we might worry about at other times fly right out of the window. The other night while hubby and I were enjoying one another he somehow got a cut on his leg. We have still no idea how it happened as we couldn't find anything sharp in the vicinity. I can only assume I had a very sharp nail, whether on toe or finger, and somehow caught him. In the normal course of things we would probably know what happened but in the heat of the moment the brain ignores a lot lol. I'm pretty sure whatever you worry he might be thinking he won't be!

*chuckle* its definantly going to take some time but ill try it... and no I didn't get them there either.. have them on my hips.. go figure.. im shaped like a pear.. and on my breasts... since they grew to a ridiculous size when I was breast feeding... but we shall see!!

I sense a run-on posting about to happen... ah well.

We're often our own worst critics.

And it isn't wrong to want to be a giving lover. But it really can be a balancing game.

If my lover said "its all about you tonight" I can get there easy. If its get her there first and me later, it just feels different. I'm holding back, juggling more "tasks", etc. it isn't that it doesn't feel good, but its energy and attention diverted from me, me, me.

And once I get my lover there, it takes a couple of minutes sometimes to change direction. Its natural. Maybe maddening.

I think it sometimes needs be all about you. Be selfish. He will love that you were so completely engaged.

The very first time a lover reached down when I was inside her I so didn't think "crap... im doing it wrong and shes trying to get it over"... I thought "thats sexy as sin" and then "that really worked well" and then "that was awesome. do it again."

I'm not kidding. Trust your lover. Seeing a lover knock down those walls and feel free and open to express herself in that moment... and to want it so bad she just will not be denied... it really is a great thing.

I also think you might need some space. A night out?

I know your circumstances are odd right now. But I'm saying when you are with him, find time to find safe space.

Away from kids. Away from phones. From neighbors. From tasks that need done and dinner that needs made.

The date night out is not overrated. One of the fav's I had... after my son was about a year old... we had a great sitter... friend of the fam... she spent the night... we drove ten minutes away to a hotel.

We thought about going a couple hours away but realized we just wanted some safe space. To focus on nothing but us. Some might say it was fiscally dumb to drop cash on a hotel room in town. Don't care. It was worth it.

Mental blocks can be pebbles. Piled high. Just like a young man can have ED and drive issues from one big thing or the summation of several small things... so can your distraction in bed. A little tired plus a little stress plus needing to rush... plus the kids might hear... etc... a lot of small things can add up. So think about how to minimize them.

You can't catch a hotel room every night... but once in a while... its one of my fav things. Step out of your normal life and find space for you to focus on you.

Two more things. A previous love changed my thinking about what happens before sex so much. What most of us think as foreplay... its really sex related and often best saved for sex. Yes... making out with your partner can be a nice lead in.

But what about a hot shower? An inviting room? A safe space and block of time? What about spending 20 minutes engaged in simple sensual touch? Hands on skin. Patient and relaxed?

If I spent just 20 minutes on my lover, focused on just sensual touch, some massage, some simple exploring with my hands, it made all the difference. It relaxed her. It gave her body time to respond. Physiologically be in the moment. It readied her mind. Mentally in the moment.

And the best part... it eventually became a part of my "foreplay" too. My hands over her skin became that needed sexual tension... I anticipated it, wanted it. It wasn't a task to be done because you have to... it was a trusted way to bring my lover into the moment better and to let my mind relax too.

Save biting at my ear or neck for sex. Thatll push me over the plateau hard. Sensual touch is a great way to focus and give your body and mind time to really be in the moment.

Lastly, I've mentioned this book way too often. I just like it, like the angle, like how its written. Buy and read She Comes First, Ian Kerner. Mostly about oral on the woman. Not an "icky read", and a really nice book to share with a lover. Dog ear it. Mark things that strike you. If he has half a clue and any desire to satisfy you, he will memorize the parts you mark.

What I like about sharing books on sex or sexuality is that it can take some of the "blame" out of the mix... it isn't "why dont you ever" and it becomes "this sounds like fun to me" or "that point strikes home with how my mind works"... you can talk to each other, about each other, through the book.

If it seems weird to toss a sex book at him, try this. But both She Comes First and He Comes Next... you the book about the woman, give him the book about what men like... then swap. Its an idea.

Amazon.com: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (9780060538262):…
Amazon.com: He Comes Next eBook: Ian Kerner: Kindle Store

Oops... seems he's changed the sequence... he comes next is still out there on cd or kindle

Passionista seems to be his follow-up now...

http://www.amazon.com/Passionista-Em...30111&sr=8-1#_

Thanks for bit about the books I'm going to try to get those when I get home... u make a lot of sense here.. comfort has a lot to do with this... I should have probably mentioned that he has only been with 3 women... not because he's unattractive its just how he's chosen to be so there are a lot of things he's never done... his ex wife was really set in her ways and didn't do certain things with him.. ie anal and oral... hes never had a woman ride him... so the pressure is really on me to be good in a sense to make sure I "satisfy" him or at least I feel I have to... even though he tells me all the time I'm up for the challenge.. believe it or not he's never done the whole oral sex thing but he read a book on it and the first time "we" did it I was so blown I didn't know what to do with myself... I really expected him to be bad at it... to have to "coach" him through it but I didn't.. thanks I'm going to check those books out.. I might just order them off Amazon and have them sent out here so I can read up while I'm gone..

Quote:

Originally Posted by lickemlolly

thanks for bit about the books im gonna try to get those when i get home...u make a lot of sense here..comfort has a lot to do with this...i should have probably mentioned that he has only been with 3 women...not because hes unattractive its just how hes chosen to be so there are a lot of things hes never done...his ex wife was really set in her ways and didnt do certain things with him..ie anal and oral...hes never had a woman ride him...so the pressure is really on me to be good in a sense to make sure i "satisfy" him or at least i feel i have to...even though he tells me all the time im up for the challenge..believe it or not hes never done the whole oral sex thing but he read a book on it and the first time "we" did it i was so blown i didnt know what to do with myself...i really expected him to be bad at it...to have to "coach" him through it but i didnt..thanks im going to check those books out..i might just order them off amazon and have them sent out here so i can read up while im gone..

Just have fun with sex and exploring with him... Try not to feel the pressure, even if his ex didn't do certain things to him. To me, sex should be about the both of you, pleasing each other. Having fun with it. Trying new positions, role playing, sensual, sexual, hard, soft, etc...

I'm a strange bird though, things that I might do would most likely scare people off. Lol

It seems as if you and he are willing to try any and everything.

Just a question though. Has he gone down on you first before he enters inside you? The reason why I ask is because, if my boyfriend goes down on me first and gets me to the point of orgasm, I will make him stop, then I will get on top of him and that seems to always help me reach orgasm.

Maybe you can try that, if you already haven't.

Good luck.

Ugh ill put the truth out there... I have only been with him twice.. and being in my current location I won't be able to be with him again until I get home... this is a problem that I've had since before I met him though and I forewarned him that it is extremely hard for me to orgasm unless its by my own hand... he told me that was OK and he was ready for the challenge.. he did go down on me before we were intimate but I made him stop because I wanted to do it in return because I KNEW hed never had it before.. so there is A LOT we haven't tried... havent been able to do which is just building the anticipation for when I get home.. :)

So... this is some new perspective... might not change a lot of the answers, but some angles might be off... I know I wrote expecting a little more time together...

But the real deal is that you both seem willing to talk openly and you both seem to want to be focused lovers. Its not all there is to a healthy sex life, but its sure as hell a nice start.

The best thing EVER concerning sex is open and honest discussion and sharing.

...

Thanks for your service, by the way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

so... this is some new perspective... might not change a lot of the answers, but some angles might be off... i know i wrote expecting a little more time together...

but the real deal is that you both seem willing to talk openly and you both seem to want to be focused lovers. its not all there is to a healthy sex life, but its sure as hell a nice start.

the best thing EVER concerning sex is open and honest discussion and sharing.

...

thanks for your service, btw.

Yeah I know I just wanted some fresh perspective before I got home and got head into this you know? I consider myself pretty well experienced sexually as I have tried a lot of things but this is something I've never been able to overcome in any relationship I've been in..

Get good sleep. Eat well. Live well. Trust him. Trust yourself. And enjoy it.

No matter what else, enjoy your time together.

Cowgirl.

;) just saying...