A male friend of mine has recently confessed he might have feelings for me. He has been dating this girl for a year and has known her all his life. His peers consider them a couple. However, he feels she is in a grey zone between dating and girlfriend because she has still not explicitly agreed to be an official couple. He and I flirt heavily but we make a point of not doing anything overly "meaningful". Even quick cheek kisses are out of the question.

I do have some feelings for him but have not done anything to change the dynamic of our friendship and the amount of flirting has remained the same. I didn't respond at all to his confession. This is for the sake of our friendship, which is very valuable to me, and of my own moral principles. That said, I'm open to polyamory and open relationships but it's not something I impose upon people. Seeing how polyamory isn't mainstream and some of his words hint at his preference for monogamy, I'm extremely wary of asking him about this option. The fact that this girl - who I haven't met - had an emotionally abusive relationship before him makes the question even more volatile. I highly doubt I'll ask him about it but I can't help wanting to either.

He doesn't know my views on relationships since I tend not to share this information unless they are a friend with benefits or a serious partner. And in the same breath, I've never had jealousy or dishonesty issues come up in the past. This current situation is very new to me because of the potential for either or both. It seems best to continue being a supportive friend unless he breaks up with her.

I get the feeling that I'm dealing with the situation correctly from a moral perspective. It's the emotional part that confuses me and I'm not entirely sure about how to cope. Suggestions? Even some words of support would help.

Thanks.

If he breaks up with the girlfriend
Do you think it would work?

Sometimes staying friends is the best thing.

Stay friends. Trying for more could make you lose him completely...

Even if he breaks up with his girlfriend don't jump straight in. Give him time to get over her. Then after he has moved on IF you both want to have a relationship then have one.

I personally wouldn't as it would ruin a great friendship!

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

If he breaks up with the girlfriend
do you think it would work?

Sometimes staying friends is the best thing.

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You know, this is one of those questions I've been avoiding in my head but I guess it is an uncomfortable necessity...

If he breaks up with the girl, very likely. We think similarly and have a lot of similar interests. And thusfar, he has been very honest with his feelings for me and did mention holding a LOT of guilt for having these feelings while still with her. My concern here is that he may not be so honest with her right now, likely to spare her from more emotional damage. And in his shoes, I wouldn't be able to tell if it's better to be completely candid with her or simply wait and see if the relationship develops further either.

In part, I feel like I should remove myself completely from the situation for my own sake. At the same time, I also want to be a supportive friend because his relationship with her is unsteady regardless of whether I'm in the picture. I seem to be a catalyst here.

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Originally Posted by NomNomNoodles

You know, this is one of those questions I've been avoiding in my head but I guess it is an uncomfortable necessity....

If he breaks up with the girl, very likely. We think similarly and have a lot of similar interests. And thusfar, he has been very honest with his feelings for me and did mention holding a LOT of guilt for having these feelings while still with her. My concern here is that he may not be so honest with her right now, likely to spare her from more emotional damage. And in his shoes, I wouldn't be able to tell if it's better to be completely candid with her or simply wait and see if the relationship develops further either.

In part, I feel like I should remove myself completely from the situation for my own sake. At the same time, I also want to be a supportive friend because his relationship with her is unsteady regardless of whether or not I'm in the picture. I seem to be a catalyst here.

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Remove yourself from the situation and give him and her time to work on their relationship. It's good you have morals and see how much this
May hurt her. If the relationship is unsteady then you will know. Good Luck.

I think you should remove yourself form this situation
I'm not understanding the difference between dating someone for a year and not being an official couple.he feels she is in a grey zone between dating and girlfriend because she has still not explicitly agreed to be an official couple. What does that mean?
If this guy was decent, he would not be stringing this girl along. He either wants to be with her or he doesn't. Then add you to the mix, he is not looking so good to me.
Stop flirting with him. As long as he has a girl friend, that is IMO inappropriate.

I believe he is trying to hold on to you and her. Don't give him any reason to think there is hope for a
Relationship with you.

Suppose he does you the same way he's doing her?

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think you should remove yourself form this situation
I'm not understanding the difference between dating someone for a year and not being an official couple.he feels she is in a grey zone between dating and girlfriend because she has still not explicitly agreed to be an official couple. What does that mean?
If this guy was decent, he would not be stringing this girl along. He either wants to be with her or he doesn't. Then add you to the mix, he is not looking so good to me.
Stop flirting with him. As long as he has a girl friend, that is IMO inappropriate.

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What I mean is that he has asked this girl multiple times the past year to be his official girlfriend and every single time, she refused, saying that she needed more time to know him despite the fact that they've known each other since birth. He told me he believes the reason she's been refusing consistently has to do with her past emotionally abusive relationship. At the same time, he is slowly losing hope that the relationship could go any further.

That still makes no sense. All their friends see them as a couple, so does she tell them "no we're not?"
He's still there, why? And he's flirting with you. If he does not want to be with her he will leave, but maybe he is open to just cheating on her. He's still not sounding too good in my book.

Take yourself out of the picture.
He wants something he can't have. You're a challenge.

Talk to him and be emphatic that you can be friends and no more until he has "officially" broken up and taken some time to heal.

If he seems willing to start another relationship behind her back, might not he do the same again? Perhaps to you should you enter an "official" relationship with him.

If he is not being honest with his currant girlfriend that too is a flag. Relationships MUST be based on honesty to flourish.
If they are not , you are not even dealing with reality which leads to heartache and pain.

Give this some thought

I don't think you should pursue this.

You will end up being hurt, the girlfriend will end up being hurt.

This is a no win situation for you and the girlfriend.

He won't be true to you emotionally or physically.

He's the only one who wins.

It is important that you read the rules of the forum.

It is not okay to give someone a 'reddie' because you disagree with their opinion. You can reply if you want to to correct any mistakes you think are in the interpretation, but anybody can post an opinion, and it is improper and incorrect to 'fault' them for it.

The bottom line here, is you are the odd man out so to speak.

You only know what he tells you, which is far too much, and subject to his interpretation- i.e.. She is reluctant to be in a committed relationship due to a bad past relationship. Her story could be, and likely is, quite different than his. You are getting third hand information at best. Not a good idea to take that to the bank and invest upon it.

I think that you have made it very clear that you are interested by the flirting that goes on, and by you encouraging him to share intimate details of his current relationship, which, according to your high moral standards, should not be happening. You have no business in the bedroom of this couple, so to speak.

By flirting the way you do, by bantering the way you do, by knowing the intimate details the way you do, and by your own admission that you'd like the relationship to be more, perhaps a friend with benefits- you sort of lost me on the moral thing again.

He's off limits. He is involved with a woman, and you are mixing it up, and getting your nose in where it doesn't belong. If you think your behaviour is harmless, or that your behaviour is not contributing to the apparent problems he has with his girlfriend, think again.

He on the other hand is a low-life, scum sucking, snake in the grass in my opinion. Of course, that is not a fact, but given the information provided by you, he is justifying this game you two play, by saying that she is noncommittal, and therefore, what the two of you do is okay. At the end of the day, he goes home to her, right?

Let the two of them sort out their relationship, and stop doing what you are doing.

Show a little respect for yourself, for him, and for his girlfriend, and back off.

It's obvious that he's completely hooked on this girl and isn't planning on giving up yet.

But even if he does give up on her and comes find you, what does that make you? His left-over? His backup? Do you really want to be in that position?

I strongly suggest you meet new people.

He's a typical player. Leave him alone!

Glad you have morals, and principles, but it's a real red flag when a guy keeps being rejected for a year and hasn't given up. Its another red flag when he is still "pursuing" one female, and he is "confessing" his feelings to you. His whole problem is he will never abandon his quest to have her unless he has something solid to go to, and he thinks that's you.

You had better tell him that so you can both avoid drama, misery and pain and keep the friendship, because it will be some time before he can make decisions of the heart for himself. The same way he is latched to her, he will become latched to you, and in the long run, friends with benefits will have him wanting more than you give, and he will be destroyed when you find "other" interests than him.

He maybe messing around material for you for now, but will never understand your ideas of openness (he may say he does, but that's only wishful thinking on his part), so keep a healthy distance, and stay within the boundaries of friendship, with this very confused fellow.

A healthy adult male would never be allowing someone to string him along for a year any way. Consider this a fair warning because it may be better to not have him as a close friend, because he wants more. So his friendship comes with a hope that he gets more from you which can't be healthy for him, or YOU!

You need to put yourself in her place and think of how you would
Feel if you were her.

I'm not understanding how you justify flirting with him. No matter what he tells you about this girl, he is still with her and flirting with you, or you two are flirting with each other and this girl has no clue.
The whole thing sounds a bit funky to me.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I'm not understanding how you justify flirting with him. No matter what he tells you about this girl, he is still with her and flirting with you, or you two are flirting with each other and this girl has no clue.
The whole thing sounds a bit funky to me.

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Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Leave hin alone.

You have to take some responsibility for this mess too. You're flirting with his guy knowing he has a girlfriend, knowing he is leading the girl on, why?