Ask Me Help Desk - 15 years and still hurts!

It has been 15 years since my father has died and I just found out yesturday it wasn't due to a brain tumor it was the fact that he hung himself. All due my mother being selfish on not giving me to him after the divorse. It so hard to think that he could still be here. That I could have a father a dad to play with a dad to talk to... I miss him and I wish he had just given me the chance to talk him out of it... I love you dad!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aprovencher24

it has been 15 years since my father has died and i just found out yesturday it wasnt due to a brain tumor it was the fact that he hung himself. all due my mother being selfish on not giving me to him after the divorse. it so hard to think that he could still be here. that i could have a father a dad to play with a dad to talk to.... i miss him and i wish he had just given me the chance to talk him out of it.... i love you dad!!!!!

He knew you loved him, that's why he fought for you. Always remember that, he fought for you... Kit:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aprovencher24

it has been 15 years since my father has died and i just found out yesturday it wasnt due to a brain tumor it was the fact that he hung himself. all due my mother being selfish on not giving me to him after the divorse. it so hard to think that he could still be here. that i could have a father a dad to play with a dad to talk to.... i miss him and i wish he had just given me the chance to talk him out of it.... i love you dad!!!!!

I think that since this news is still fresh in your mind, that you should start your own thread. You can get some good help here with the subject.

God bless you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aprovencher24

it has been 15 years since my father has died and i just found out yesturday it wasnt due to a brain tumor it was the fact that he hung himself. all due my mother being selfish on not giving me to him after the divorse. it so hard to think that he could still be here. that i could have a father a dad to play with a dad to talk to.... i miss him and i wish he had just given me the chance to talk him out of it.... i love you dad!!!!!

This should be a new thread and I have requested that it be moved.

I know you are grieving and attempting to find your way through your grief but it is wrong, indeed, to blame your mother for your father's suicide. There is no "giving children" to the other party. It's all arranged by Law and for whatever reason at that moment in time your mother had custody of you.

Your father could have waited and then filed (presumably again) for custody of you.

I know sometimes anger is an easier emotion than grief but I would not entirely blame your mother.

I've posted this before - a dear, dear friend of mine killed herself some years ago after losing a similar Motion in Court. Her son and daughter blame their father for her (their mother's) suicide. The truth remains that my friend was unstable, the Court was concerned that her instability would cause harm to her or the children, the father was awarded custody, my friend decided not to go on and fight for her children and ended her life. By ending her life she left her children with no contact with her whatsoever - no visits, no holidays, nothing. Her youngest child does not even remember her.

Was the Court right? It appears that perhaps it was. Maybe if she had custody of the children this never would have happened; maybe she was "destined" to kill herself. We'll never know.

I didn't, of course, know your father and/or his history but I find it difficult to believe that he committed suicide, thus never seeing you again, rather than staying alive and seeing you on the Court's terms and eventually trying to get custody.

You need to speak to a professional to sort all this out.

As it happens I was widowed. I know the grief of losing someone, how long the grief goes on, the emotions you are going through. If you don't want to poison the rest of your life you have to find some answers.

I wish you luck.

Judy, I have to spread it but wanted you to know I absolutely agree with everything you wrote here. I hope Aprovencher takes some comfort in what you have written and seeks the help you have advised him/her to.

I'm not blaming my mother, I know it was his decision ultimately but of course when anyone grieves they do the "what ifs" and that's what I'm doing. It will take a little while to get over it but its just hard right now...

I came to this old, old post to talk to myself really. I read about Aprovencher and his father... how he has those feelings of loss, guilt, sorrow. But then there is me. Two years have passed since this news... I'm sure he is like any normal person, he probably collected his mind and moved on, finding peace within himself like a strong willed person usually can. I envy him. My one and only girlfriend died about four years ago... but her memory and the repercussions still rattle me on a daily basis. Just a week or so ago I started finding things... repressed memories I think... of time I spent with her. I just wish I could be done and move on. Why can't I? Everybody else finds a way... therapy, time, new love. Here I am, single and sad... so very sad. I want my Abbey back. I want to hold her, to talk to her, to love her again. I miss her.
Love... takes... time.

Not everyone moves on. I have found that the "flashback" memories never stop. The pain gets less, certainly, but the memories - I haven't found that they stop.

It's not about "normal" (whatever that means) people or being strong willed. It's grief. Different people handle it in different ways. Four years is not a long time.