My boyfriend is scared to love me because his mom died
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. I went to high school with his sister and I didn't meet him until after I graduated. In college, I kept running into him, I met him at a best friends birthday, and then he ended up being my tutor for one of my clases. We were good friends for almost a year before we started dating. We moved in together fairly quickly, probably about after 4 months. For the first year or so everything was really great. We decided to rent a house together, and took a few trips out of the country. We are very close, and kind of drifted apart from everyone to be with each other. We both have strong family bonds and we get along great with each other's family.
About a year ago, his mother passed away. It was a little unexpected, and it caused a great deal of turmoil for the entire family. He is the only man out of 4 children, and I think he took it the hardest. He began acting strange following his mom's death. About 3 months later, I took a trip with my mom out of the country, and when I came back he was very different. He said that while I was gone, he realized how much he missed his freedom and hanging out with his friends, drinking, etc. At that point I gave him an ultimatum and told him that he couldn't live his life as a single man if he was going to be with me, so he needed to choose between that life that he missed, and us. He chose us. We seemed to get passed that issue, and continued to make plans.
As time continued to pass however, occasionally we would talk about marriage and having a future together. I was always the one who brought the conversation up, never him. He always seemed unsure, saying "i dont know, well see where our relationship takes us and take it one step at a time." I dropped it and decided to be patient, as I believe to an extent that he is right and we do need to take our time. I'm not really in a hurry to get married or anything anyway.
A couple months ago we decided to buy a house together. It brought us great joy, and we all of a sudden had all of these plans. The last couple of weeks however we seem to fight all of the time. He used to be a really patient person, but since his mom left he lost all of that. He blows up easily, gets very angry and I find myself being scared of him when he is like that.
I just finished college and I decided to take a few of months off before I start my job in the winter. Ever since that, he has been acting like all I do is sit around the house and I feel very unappreciated. We had the ultimate fight this weekend. He blew up at me greatly and then later I blew up at him, and he ended up walking out. When he came back, I explained to him all of the issues that I have with his attitude. How he doesn't even try to be patient and how everything seems to set him off. He recognized that he's not really angry at me but that he's angry at himself. But he refuses to open up to me. He won't let me into his heart and share his feelings.
Yesterday, I got very angry at him because he had a problem with one of his social web pages and he wouldn't let me fix it because he felt it was his private space. It turned into a long conversation about how I can feel that he is afraid of fully committing to me and he is afraid to truly love me, and that's why he feels compelled to keep secrets from me, and not share his true self. He confessed that he was terrified of going through the same pain that he felt when he lost his mom, and that he was afraid of loving because of his notion that it could all fall apart. He is afraid to love me because he is afraid that if he were to lose me he would experience the tremendous pain that he felt when he lost his mom.
I've been telling him since she passed that he needs help from a professional, and last night I tried to explain that he couldn't live his life in fear or otherwise he would keep himself from living. I am so extraordinarily hurt, and I don't know why. Even though we agreed that he wants to get passed that, I feel afraid. I am hurt that he doesn't really love me, and I am afraid that when I start my job in which I will be traveling, he will go back to his "freedom" life. I guess I feel betrayed. And I don't know how to help him. I want to. But he won't let me.
At this point I just keep thinking about how I can't see myself living the rest of my life this way. How if we know now that things aren't working out that we shouldn't waste each other's time. But I love him so much, I don't want to let him go, and I want to give him time but he keeps saying that he is broken, and we go back to our fights and disagreements. I don't know if he will ever be able to be "fixed." Help?