Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend is scared to love me because his mom died

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. I went to high school with his sister and I didn't meet him until after I graduated. In college, I kept running into him, I met him at a best friends birthday, and then he ended up being my tutor for one of my clases. We were good friends for almost a year before we started dating. We moved in together fairly quickly, probably about after 4 months. For the first year or so everything was really great. We decided to rent a house together, and took a few trips out of the country. We are very close, and kind of drifted apart from everyone to be with each other. We both have strong family bonds and we get along great with each other's family.

About a year ago, his mother passed away. It was a little unexpected, and it caused a great deal of turmoil for the entire family. He is the only man out of 4 children, and I think he took it the hardest. He began acting strange following his mom's death. About 3 months later, I took a trip with my mom out of the country, and when I came back he was very different. He said that while I was gone, he realized how much he missed his freedom and hanging out with his friends, drinking, etc. At that point I gave him an ultimatum and told him that he couldn't live his life as a single man if he was going to be with me, so he needed to choose between that life that he missed, and us. He chose us. We seemed to get passed that issue, and continued to make plans.

As time continued to pass however, occasionally we would talk about marriage and having a future together. I was always the one who brought the conversation up, never him. He always seemed unsure, saying "i dont know, well see where our relationship takes us and take it one step at a time." I dropped it and decided to be patient, as I believe to an extent that he is right and we do need to take our time. I'm not really in a hurry to get married or anything anyway.

A couple months ago we decided to buy a house together. It brought us great joy, and we all of a sudden had all of these plans. The last couple of weeks however we seem to fight all of the time. He used to be a really patient person, but since his mom left he lost all of that. He blows up easily, gets very angry and I find myself being scared of him when he is like that.

I just finished college and I decided to take a few of months off before I start my job in the winter. Ever since that, he has been acting like all I do is sit around the house and I feel very unappreciated. We had the ultimate fight this weekend. He blew up at me greatly and then later I blew up at him, and he ended up walking out. When he came back, I explained to him all of the issues that I have with his attitude. How he doesn't even try to be patient and how everything seems to set him off. He recognized that he's not really angry at me but that he's angry at himself. But he refuses to open up to me. He won't let me into his heart and share his feelings.

Yesterday, I got very angry at him because he had a problem with one of his social web pages and he wouldn't let me fix it because he felt it was his private space. It turned into a long conversation about how I can feel that he is afraid of fully committing to me and he is afraid to truly love me, and that's why he feels compelled to keep secrets from me, and not share his true self. He confessed that he was terrified of going through the same pain that he felt when he lost his mom, and that he was afraid of loving because of his notion that it could all fall apart. He is afraid to love me because he is afraid that if he were to lose me he would experience the tremendous pain that he felt when he lost his mom.

I've been telling him since she passed that he needs help from a professional, and last night I tried to explain that he couldn't live his life in fear or otherwise he would keep himself from living. I am so extraordinarily hurt, and I don't know why. Even though we agreed that he wants to get passed that, I feel afraid. I am hurt that he doesn't really love me, and I am afraid that when I start my job in which I will be traveling, he will go back to his "freedom" life. I guess I feel betrayed. And I don't know how to help him. I want to. But he won't let me.

At this point I just keep thinking about how I can't see myself living the rest of my life this way. How if we know now that things aren't working out that we shouldn't waste each other's time. But I love him so much, I don't want to let him go, and I want to give him time but he keeps saying that he is broken, and we go back to our fights and disagreements. I don't know if he will ever be able to be "fixed." Help?

Hi OP, well I managed to get through your post, writing in huge blocks of text like that is very difficult for someone to read, you need to break it into smaller paragraphs in future please, or you may find you get no replies.

As to your questions, Firstly your b/f is in mourning and this can last for anything from 2-5 years, he's trying to adjust to losing his Mom a huge part of his world died and he doesn't know what to do or how to cope its very hard for anyone when they lose their Mom.

You could suggest he gets some grief counselling this will possibly help him to understand why he feels as he does. Also when one is grieving they often just want to be left alone and don't feel up to being happy and joyful, their thoughts are deeply trying to figure out what's happened. Also when a person is in mouring they go through various emotional states. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Sadness, and finally acceptance, there is another one however I know these are some of the main stages of grief, once they've reached the acceptance stage they can usually begin to move on with their lives.

He won't really start living again until he's reached the acceptance stage of his grief. Plus grief is a private thing and cannot really be shared, it also very much a personal thing to. His thoughts during this time are very personal to him, so he cannot be expected to share with you on this matter.

Buying a house wasn't such a bright idea at the same time as one is in mourning, that's also another huge stress making factor. It is recommended that no life altering decisions be made whilst a person is in mourning, and especially with such a huge loss as a parent. Perhaps you're b/f has or is realising what a huge commitment he has made with buying a house with you.

I also feel that you too have made a commitment that would have been better left until you knew what was happening with your b/f.

You say your b/f has expressed a desire to be free and single, and that you worry he will do this once you start work, which will involve travelling, That's a possibility it cannot be denied, another reason you should have waited before buying a house.

As for the present situation, I would suggest you get counselling for you and your partner, or your partner at least he needs to be shown how to deal with his feelings and how it will effect him and how he can deal with them constructively.

I feel you were both very wreckless in buying a house, have you considered what that will mean if you don't stay together, you're both committed to making the repayments for as long as the mortgage is for.

If you try to sell the house with the state of the economy as it is you'll no doubt make a loss, and it could take a long time to sell.

I hope what's here is of some help to you, and you can make some use of it, Post anytime but please smaller blocks of text in future.

Good Luck pp

P.S. as your b/f is in mourning I don't feel I can offer you much by way of advice at this time because his emotions will be all over the place and as such his reactions and actions are those of a person in mourning. Sorry.

Also you cannot "fix" anyone only yourself, so please stop trying to fix your b/f.

I think your first mistake was giving him an ultimatum when he told you he wanted to leave you. You should have let him go.
He is no doubt grieving but he may also be feeling trapped.
You second mistake was buying the house. He is probably feeling trapped even more.
What will happen now I don't know. Get some counseling for yourself and suggest he do the same, but no more ultimatums.

Quote:

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Hi OP, well I managed to get through your post, writing in huge blocks of text like that is very difficult for someone to read, you need to break it into smaller paragraphs in future please, or you may find you get no replies.

As to your questions, Firstly your b/f is in mourning and this can last for anything from 2-5 years, hes trying to adjust to losing his Mom a huge part of his world died and he doesnt know what to do or how to cope its very hard for anyone when they lose their Mom.

You could suggest he gets some grief counselling this will possibly help him to understand why he feels as he does. Also when one is grieving they often just want to be left alone and dont feel up to being happy and joyful, their thoughts are deeply trying to figure out whats happened. Also when a person is in mouring they go through various emotional states. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Sadness, and finally acceptance, there is another one however I know these are some of the main stages of grief, once theyve reached the acceptance stage they can usually begin to move on with their lives.

He wont really start living again until hes reached the acceptance stage of his grief. Plus grief is a private thing and cannot really be shared, it also very much a personal thing to. His thoughts during this time are very personal to him, so he cannot be expected to share with you on this matter.

Buying a house wasnt such a bright idea at the same time as one is in mourning, thats also another huge stress making factor. It is recommended that no life altering decisions be made whilst a person is in mourning, and especially with such a huge loss as a parent. Perhaps youre b/f has or is realising what a huge commitment he has made with buying a house with you.

I also feel that you too have made a commitment that would have been better left until you knew what was happening with your b/f.

You say your b/f has expressed a desire to be free and single, and that you worry he will do this once you start work, which will involve travelling, Thats a possibility it cannot be denied, another reason you should have waited before buying a house.

As for the present situation, I would suggest you get counselling for you and your partner, or your partner at least he needs to be shown how to deal with his feelings and how it will effect him and how he can deal with them constructively.

I feel you were both very wreckless in buying a house, have you considered what that will mean if you dont stay together, youre both commited to making the repayments for as long as the mortgage is for.

If you try to sell the house with the state of the economy as it is youll no doubt make a loss, and it could take a long time to sell.

I hope whats here is of some help to you, and you can make some use of it, Post anytime but please smaller blocks of text in future.

Good Luck pp

P.S. as your b/f is in mourning I dont feel I can offer you much by way of advice at this time because his emotions will be all over the place and as such his reactions and actions are those of a person in mourning. Sorry.

also you cannot "fix" anyone only yourself, so please stop trying to fix your b/f.

Likewise correct spelling and punctuation go a long way when someone is asking or answering a question.

I realize you have a Bachelors in Science degree (and that certainly was not my major, although I did study psychology) but I believe the five stages of grief are (in this order): Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It is also my understanding that not everyone passes through every stage. Further, mourning does not last from "two to five years." I've never heard this before. Mourning is different for everyone, and there is no right and no wrong, no appropriate time frame.

And, yes, when a person suffers a terrible loss it is not unusual for that person to push other people away because he/she is afraid that there will be another terrible loss. It's the "I'll never love (or trust) anyone again because this could happen to me ... again" feeling. "Most" people pass through it; some never do.

Yes, the boyfriend needs help deaing with his grief, his emotions, his feeilings - he also needs understanding and someone to simply listen to him and support him.

Grief is a terrible, changing thing - one day he needs support; the next day he doesn't; one day he can talk about it; the next day he can't. The best thing that can be done is simply to listen and support - he needs space, let him have it. He needs closeness, be there.

Buying the house is done so whether it was a good decision is immaterial.

Sorry for not blocking it. I'm new to this site and I wasn't sure how to use it. Thanks for the responses.

We agreed that we are going to get counseling together.

Thanks JudyKayTee, I agree that we already bought the house and it doesn't matter whether it was a good decision or not. He does sound like what you said about him changing his mind all of the time.

PositiveParent, I am not trying to fix him, those were the words that came from him. I guess I just didn't post them right.

Thanks all for the advice.

Please come back and let us know how things work out.

Have you tried to talk to him, ask him what he needs, what he wants? He may open up. He may not. I think just simply loving him through all of this will help him.

Grief is a difficult thing to understand and I do realize you are trying.

My Apologies OP I took this line of your text out of context my mistake, sorry.
I don't know if he will ever be able to be "fixed." Help?

My mention of mouring taking from 2-5 years is based upon what I have been led to believe. From CRUSE.

Okay, I give - what is CRUSE? (Please keep in mind that Psychology was my minor so I'm certainly not up-to-date with a lot of the abbreviations and terms.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Okay, I give - what is CRUSE? (Please keep in mind that Psychology was my minor so I'm certainly not up-to-date with a lot of the abbreviations and terms.)

Its an English Association that helps those who have recently lost a love one. They mostly specialise in Grief Counselling. Sorry I thought or assumed they would be known of world wide.

I think there website is http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/
JUST LOOKED THIS IS CORRECT URL. Ooops sorry about caps.

[QUOTE by yoslincarolina;
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. I went to high school with his sister and I didn't meet him until after I graduated. In college, I kept running into him, I met him at a best friends birthday, and then he ended up being my tutor for one of my clases. We were good friends for almost a year before we started dating. We moved in together fairly quickly, probably about after 4 months. For the first year or so everything was really great. We decided to rent a house together, and took a few trips out of the country. We are very close, and kind of drifted apart from everyone to be with each other. We both have strong family bonds and we get along great with each other's family. [/QUOTE]
Maybe you moved fast, but that's young love, and it's a lot of fun when things are going great and your enjoying being on top of the world.

Quote:

About a year ago, his mother passed away. It was a little unexpected, and it caused a great deal of turmoil for the entire family. He is the only man out of 4 children, and I think he took it the hardest. He began acting strange following his mom's death. About 3 months later, I took a trip with my mom out of the country, and when I came back he was very different. He said that while I was gone, he realized how much he missed his freedom and hanging out with his friends, drinking, etc. At that point I gave him an ultimatum and told him that he couldn't live his life as a single man if he was going to be with me, so he needed to choose between that life that he missed, and us. He chose us. We seemed to get passed that issue, and continued to make plans.

I hate ultimatums, but what stands out is more his choice to keep you, and I feel he just wanted time and space to mourn in his own way, but you took it as him wanting to be single. You could have let him breath for a while, and still been together, but you chose to tightenen the reins, and instead of loosening them. That's a great way to build resentments, frustration, and push a partner into their own sort of isolation because he feels you are unwilling to address his needs after his loss that he is wrestling with. That's why I hate ultimatiums, that was a very unfair choice you gave him, and an unessecary one, when you could have been a lot more willing to explore his feelings, and not just dismiss them, to stroke your own ego.

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As time continued to pass however, occasionally we would talk about marriage and having a future together. I was always the one who brought the conversation up, never him. He always seemed unsure, saying "i dont know, well see where our relationship takes us and take it one step at a time." I dropped it and decided to be patient, as I believe to an extent that he is right and we do need to take our time. I'm not really in a hurry to get married or anything anyway.

Again you miss an important point, as you're already committed to each other, and playing at marriage, but he is unwilling to go further, to the next level because he has reservations about the emotional support you have given him in his time of need. You way of dealing with his feelings is lacking, and he is having a big problem coping with his own feelings also. Despite your "patience" you still miss the whole point of what he is telling you. He feels trapped, with no way out, and alone to his own insecurities, and fears. Where has your reasurance and support been? On your own agenda, and not there for him.

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A couple months ago we decided to buy a house together. It brought us great joy, and we all of a sudden had all of these plans. The last couple of weeks however we seem to fight all of the time. He used to be a really patient person, but since his mom left he lost all of that. He blows up easily, gets very angry and I find myself being scared of him when he is like that.

Whose idea was buying the house? Despite his feelings of "one day at a time" you have moved to the next level any way and I am sure he went along trying to please you. Of course he has changed as the circumstances have changed and he has NO way out now does he? You are tied and committed through buying this house and you haven't noticed he is just going through the motions with you. That's because the pattern has always been moving steadily forward without setting the foundations for you both to be happy. Looks great on paper but is it realistic? Were you ready? I don't think so, and I think you skipped over a lot of warning signs. Remember one day at a time? Well that's gone now.

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I just finished college and I decided to take a few of months off before I start my job in the winter. Ever since that, he has been acting like all I do is sit around the house and I feel very unappreciated. We had the ultimate fight this weekend. He blew up at me greatly and then later I blew up at him, and he ended up walking out. When he came back, I explained to him all of the issues that I have with his attitude. How he doesn't even try to be patient and how everything seems to set him off. He recognized that he's not really angry at me but that he's angry at himself. But he refuses to open up to me. He won't let me into his heart and share his feelings.

Yet another break for you without him? And you can't see that again we have a pattern of you taking breaks when you need them, and he has NONE. You do your own thing, and don't include him, but then you come back and get mad because he has changed? That's you ignoring or failing to recognize the needs of your partner because you have always put your own needs before his emotional needs. No wonder he is about out of patients with your actions.

Quote:

Yesterday, I got very angry at him because he had a problem with one of his social web pages and he wouldn't let me fix it because he felt it was his private space. It turned into a long conversation about how I can feel that he is afraid of fully committing to me and he is afraid to truly love me, and that's why he feels compelled to keep secrets from me, and not share his true self. He confessed that he was terrified of going through the same pain that he felt when he lost his mom, and that he was afraid of loving because of his notion that it could all fall apart. He is afraid to love me because he is afraid that if he were to lose me he would experience the tremendous pain that he felt when he lost his mom.

I bet all your arguments are about YOUR feelings. And besides a piece of paper his actions are totally committed to you. Reread your post as its very obvious he has been putting his emotional welfare aside for you, and all you see are your own feelings/ That's the problem.

Quote:

I've been telling him since she passed that he needs help from a professional, and last night I tried to explain that he couldn't live his life in fear or otherwise he would keep himself from living. I am so extraordinarily hurt, and I don't know why. Even though we agreed that he wants to get passed that, I feel afraid. I am hurt that he doesn't really love me, and I am afraid that when I start my job in which I will be traveling, he will go back to his "freedom" life. I guess I feel betrayed. And I don't know how to help him. I want to. But he won't let me.

More of you, you, you, and your afraid to lose him because of YOUR needs being met, and your reference to his freedom life is one of control, because while your gone on your career, he sits and waits and does what while your gone? You are very insecure and needy, but give very little to his needs. Its all about you, and as long as it is, you will continue to not see what you need to see, and blame him for your insecurity, and fear. Betrayal you say? Bet he would argue that point, its you who have neglected him emotionally, for a long time now. But of course your needs always come before his.

Quote:

At this point I just keep thinking about how I can't see myself living the rest of my life this way. How if we know now that things aren't working out that we shouldn't waste each other's time. But I love him so much, I don't want to let him go, and I want to give him time but he keeps saying that he is broken, and we go back to our fights and disagreements. I don't know if he will ever be able to be "fixed." Help?

Oh my gosh, I don't think I ever saw a more oblivious person that has totally ignored the part you played in this whole drama, as you are. I was waiting for you to put the whole blame on him, like you're a victim of his actions. Yeah right!! You are in DEEP DENIAL.

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We agreed that we are going to get counseling together.

At least you have chosen counseling and I hope you both get fixed.

It's like reading a novel. You need help and as Tal said ; maybe both of you can be fixed.

You know, all of you didn't have to come here and answer. At least I am looking to improove, and I think that that is a big step.

At least you could try to be constructive with you answers instead of bashing me to the ground. Thanks for pointing out all of my imperfections, as I am sure that all of you have been perfect at all of your relationships before.

I am young, I know I need help, and I have made a decision to find that help and that is all that matters.

So if you don't have anything nice to say to me, keep your comments and your "help" to yourself. I don't want it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yoslincarolina

You know, all of you didn't have to come here and answer. At least I am looking to improove, and I think that that is a big step.

At least you could try to be constructive with you answers instead of bashing me to the ground. Thanks for pointing out all of my imperfections, as I am sure that all of you have been perfect at all of your relationships before.

I am young, I know I need help, and I have made a decision to find that help and that is all that matters.

So if you don't have anything nice to say to me, keep your comments and your "help" to yourself. I don't want it.

You wanted advice. We gave our advice and opinions on what you have told us.

Sadly too many people want to come here and poor you. And they want to hear exactly what they want.

Does not work that way, often you get a kick in the pants to push you in a better direction.

Next you don't decide who gets to answer, and perhaps it is advice you need to hear

Lets not bash here.

The bottom line here is he doesn't want to or has the capacity at this time to commit. Or maybe never did.

If its truly because of his loss, then he needs time to deal.

Im sure he likes the benefits of having a girlfriend, but isn't truly giving back.

Plus you pushed, he's unsure & want to keep his social networking secrets to himself.

All, not good makings for anything stable unless both of you become on the same page.

If he has so much fear, then he needs to understand why before he can truly have a fulfilling thing.

Not for you to fix. Or wait around for.

Nobody is bashing. Just reminding OP she is the one who wanted advice. If she doesn't want opinions then she shouldn't have asked.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yoslincarolina

You know, all of you didn't have to come here and answer. At least I am looking to improove, and I think that that is a big step.

At least you could try to be constructive with you answers instead of bashing me to the ground. Thanks for pointing out all of my imperfections, as I am sure that all of you have been perfect at all of your relationships before.

I am young, I know I need help, and I have made a decision to find that help and that is all that matters.

So if you don't have anything nice to say to me, keep your comments and your "help" to yourself. I don't want it.

No wonder your boyfriend is pulling away - I am sure your attitude carries into your relationship with him and right now is not a good time for him to deal with it.

I tried to help you. You don't want help. You want to whine and complain. Not going to work here, not at all.

Sorry, but "poor me" helps no one.

And, yes, I suspect many of us have near perfect relationships because we aren't here posting our problems. You are.

If you don't want our help, simply don't sign on again and this thread will die and you can go and figure things out for yourself.

Yeah. I know.

The help is why Im still here.

I know how hard it is to hear the truth sometimes, especially when you want something else.

And, Carolina,

If you are truly looking to improve. Then listen. Here, there, and everywhere. Then decide your next move.

You may even read this thread back in a year with a whole new POV.

Up to you.

BTW, Im not directing here.
Just trying to help.

If she doesn't want to listen, then fine.

Sometimes its more important to accept our partners for what they are, and not worry so much as to why they are that way.

For all the excuses into his behavior, the thing that comes across the most is YOUR fears, YOUR insecurities, and YOUR wanting him to be like YOU want him to be.

He is still there with you, for all his shortcomings, and is dealing with what you think you want to, or should do. Hr hasn't stop you at all, yet you worry about what he will do when you are off doing your things.

What should he be doing while your NOT there??

In essence that's what I was getting at.

Thanks, Tal.
To look not only look at yourself. That's been said.

But also your partner.

Is this really what you want?

It takes two. To have an understanding of what love means. To give, compromise, be patient, communicate, have goals & and be aware.

To recognize what feels good, works or doesn't.

Sounds like you don't want to take a whole lot of responsibility in this. Yet want an easy fix.

You aren't going to get that here, but hang on & maybe you can learn something or two.

We learn. Me included. Still am. From you.