Ask Me Help Desk - Pressured for marriage

Ok, sorry for the morbid username but I have found myself in a bind.
I dated a guy for 5 years! Yes, I know that I was selfish not committing or breaking it off sooner. I would never, ever date that long again. One year tops and I know I was unfair and have learned. The problem is that we really only dated for 2 years. The final 3 years were about setting dates to marry (eloping), me freaking out last minute and saying no, him breaking up, me begging him bac, setting another date, etc... 3 years of this unhealthy cycle. We just were too enmeshed and couldn't get out of it. Also, I am a people pleaser and didn't want to hurt him. I need to take responsibility for that one. His parents placed pressure on me the entire time to marry their son. I would visit and hear: We want grandkids, We have a lot next door you two can build on (that statement was made after 3 weeks of dating!), Move near us, Forget about your friends, etc. I am a people pleaser and I believe I married him, the last ultimatum he set I agreed to, just to please him and make him happy. So, now I live in regret, hopelessness, and resentment. He told me today that NONE OF THIS was his fault, nor his parents. How would you interpret this? Thanks.

I don't think your username is morbid. You do sound like a troubledperson.

Quote:

Originally Posted by troubledperson

He told me today that NONE OF THIS was his fault, nor his parents. How would you interpret this? Thanks.

Hard to interpret a statement when you don't know what prompted it. What exactly did you say that led to this response from him?

What do you mean you believe you married him? Did you marry him or not?
You need too make yourself more clear.

So, what you are saying is, you made a mistake. You allowed the ultimatums to be tossed around, and allowed the pressure to mount, and gave in because you are a 'people person' and like to please.

That is such a very lame excuse.

I'm a people person too, but to say that is enough to marry someone just wouldn't cut it in my book.

You cannot go back in time and stand on your own two feet and make a different decision now.

All you can do, is figure out how to get yourself out of this mess, and learn to live a happier life. You also need to learn how to say no.

He is right in a way, that you making the final decision to be in this predicament, has nothing to do with his parents. It has everything to do with your decision to marry him.

If you are in a different culture from me (perhaps Indian?), and both sets of parents were involved in the decisions to marry, and chose your partner(s) for you, then you have more difficulties to overcome perhaps, in ending this.

However, if you had a choice, and you chose to do what you did, then only you can fix it, and get your life back on track.

One good point out of all this mess is you are aware of your shortcomings.But,are you aware what you want?Ok so you are/were pressured for marriage(yes and did the marriage finally happen?),but what do you want now?Assuming you want out,you have to take ownership here.

No point in adding to your guilt-trip.Am sure you are aware of your role in this fiasco.Especially when you're dealing with a guy and his family who were serious about you.

Basically,you need to do a lot of unravelling of knots and confusion.Own up.Be genuine and do this from your heart because you're dealing with broken hearts and hurt feelings.Call everyone together,let them know you made a mistake,a big one,listen to all they have to say without interruption and being judgemental.Then convey your point of view firmly yet patiently.Politely yet determinedly.

They deserve an explanation.5 yrs isn't a short time and just admitting you are a people-pleaser and couldn't say no to him won't really help at this stage.Just imagine how you would have felt in his shoes.

Then,once you extricate yourself from the present mess,work hard on yourself.Take personality grooming classes,read books on personality development and always remember,in a relationship,you always deal with other people's emotions and feelings.So never take any of that lightly.

Hi OP, what your partner/b/f said to you was basically correct, you did make the decisions, you weren't held at gunpoint until you agreed, you didn't however voice your opinions or objections and that is why you're where you are now. Please follow the link below this text, it will take you to a people pleasers self help exercise that will show you how to get out of being this way.

PeoplePleasers

If you follow the suggestions made in the exercise you should be able to avoid misunderstandings in the future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Hi OP, what your partner/b/f said to you was basically correct, you did make the decisions, you werent held at gunpoint until you agreed, you didnt however voice your opinions or objections and that is why youre where you are now. Please follow the link below this text, it will take you to a people pleasers self help exercise that will show you how to get out of being this way.

PeoplePleasers

If you follow the suggestions made in the exercise you should be able to avoid misunderstandings in the future.

Stop saying what you think people want to hear and say what you mean or you'll be in situations of this kind more times than you want, Please yourself not others, being that way is false, Its not a bad thing but leads to misunderstandings.