Ask Me Help Desk - Unhappy in marriage

I have been married for many years, but have never been happy. Looking back, I don't think the love was ever there, but I was at what seemed to be a point of no return. My wife is a great person. She certainly doesn't deserve this and doesn't have any idea that there is no love there, I don't think. I sometimes just don't like being around her, most of the time in fact. My happiest times is when she isn't around. We aren't compatible at all, and have very few common interests. I am a Christian and don't believe in divorce, but if I had a way out, I would take it. We split up within a few months of getting married and then I learned she was pregnant. I wouldn't leave her. We have raised our family, I am in my early fifties, and I have learned to cope without love. I treat her well, and she treats me well. I can't tell you how badly this hurts. I have talked with my pastor, counselor and others, but nobody can believe or relate that there had NEVER been love there, so there isn't foundation to build on. Sometimes, I fantasize about her telling me that she has found someone else and she wants out. That would give me my out. I would not hurt her in any way, and have now lived nearly a quarter century of my life without loving my own wife. I don't think anybody in the world understands me. I am very well liked and respected by my church, community and my profession. People like my wife as well.

You are behaving cowardly. You are using "I am a Christian and don't believe in divorce..." as your excuse to not do anything about your situation because you are afraid "I don't think anybody in the world understands me." and you're worried about loosing repsect from "my church, community and my profession".

You have to make a choice - Do something about your unhappyness or accept it and quit complaining.

Talk to your wife. Discuss how you feel - openly and honestly.

Why in the world did you ever do this to this woman? She deserves someone so much better than you. If you think she does not know that you don't love her you are crazy, a female can tell those things just by the way you touch her and talk to her and make love to her. Have you ever thought that maybe she loves you but wishes that you would leave her so that she does not have to suffer the resentment of her that you are bound to show.
I can imagine how she must feel when you two ore intimate, she has got to feel like a prostitute, giving you sex for the security that you give her.
You say you are a Christian, then do the best you can and find a way to love her, and try to show her that you mean it, either that or divorce her so she will have a chance to find that other person that you are wishing she would find.

Yeah for the most part you are correct. I have faked all of it pretty well. I don't think I show her resentment. I try to do all the things. I bring her coffee in bed every morning so she can get up leisurely, when she wants. I give her cards and sometimes flowers. I open the door for her, etc. etc. I really do try to give her a good marriage. She truly believes I love her with all my heart. I'm in it deep, as you can tell. She has never done anything to deserve any of this; that's why I've stuck it out for all this time. And you are correct, she deserves someone so much better than me. But I have never cheated on her, I keep myself very fit physically, I talk long walks and talks with her every day, and I have tried to make it work to make it happen. It's just not there in my heart. Before we were married, I didn't think it could work and she called me and told me that she was praying, and she felt God had spoken to her and said that we should be together. I was struggling in my life at that time, and so was she. I did believe at that time that maybe we should be together and that the feelings would follow. Thanks for listening

I think your whole problem is you have no clue what love really feels like.

I understand that you are no longer interested in her it must be very dificult. Be honest with her. It helps so much. Take some time apart and give separation a thought if you are not willing to divorce. For some reason I believe that we should never sacrifice our own happiness for anyone else. Also you will be doing her a favor maybe she will have the opportunity of meeting someone that will love her. Good Luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think your whole problem is you have no clue what love really feels like.

I do know what love feels like. I was married once before for four years. I loved her with all my heart. She left me for a friend of mine. We had a little boy together and she left him with me, and he was 11 months old at the time. I harbor no ill will to her. He's grown now, and she is doing fine with her marriage. Linda and I raised him. She had three children of her own from a previous marriage who were older and almost out of the house. Then, we had two of our own. We put together a home for all of them and it worked. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed in many, many ways and am very thankful. But you're right partly. I no how love feels, but it's somewhere that just isn't there. I have learned to adapt. My point to my posting wasn't to be a complainer. I am estremely positive. In my life it's just the one issue; and that is that I'm living a lie, but I'm living it out pretty well. It's just sad though. Thanks for the answers.

Yes it is sad, Almost destroys all the good things you've done. Could you be comparing the feelings you had with your first wife, and they come up short with the second one? We all change and our experiences change us and our feelings as well. You may be carrying a burden you should have dealt with years ago, having been hurt by the abandonment of the first wife. Have you been burying feelings for so long you no longer feel?

Sometimes, we don't know how good we have had it until its gone. Maybe you need marriage counseling so that these feelings can be confronted. Maybe your wife feels the same way that you do and is also unable to confront the aspect of not being happy due to your religious belief system? Sometimes, when we aren't able to be up front and honest about how we are feeling about our loved ones it causes resentment. Which can kill any marriage, eventually.

I think its wrong to attack someone who is trying to find an answer. I also want to add that your probably not going to find the answer today-if only it could be that simple. It takes two. I am in a similar situation... and I've left my husband who I did love at one point, very much. I left him for someone else and he forgave me which was very unexpected... and I went back. I thought that no one could love me as much as that and it must be where I'm suppose to be. I think we try to make good choices and they don't always turn out like we thought. Usually once we even realize this a little we have kids, or a dream home and so much tied into it - beliefs, guilt etc that we don't know how to realistically say we are done. There are so many things involved, families split, money... and the what if. Some of us just can't be alone. You just have to try and believe that everything happens for a reason. Now me... My husband knows exactly how I feel, and I sometimes feel very bad about it... but again, it takes two and he did much to me before I left that caused so much resentment that I don't always feel bad for not loving him like I use to. The difference is that you say you don't love her, where as I am just always confused. If you are sure... then at most you owe it to her to tell her... and maybe deep down you really do love her. Maybe this will help you to see it... and maybe that is why you really haven't told her, because deep down you might not really want her to be gone forever.
Life is a funny thing... and I'm only 28.

I only read a few of your other replies. First off I want to tell you that your struggle isn't something you alone are facing. I'm almost positive your wife knows. I admire that you're out here asking for someone who might have a sliver of hope for you in their answer. I know married friends who are hurt, some by men not seeking to find an answer. So before I start to try and give you my perspective. I also just want to tell you that I have great hope for you.

Starting is always the hardest part. Your faith and participation in your church life is a great thing and I believe in that relationship you can find the answer for your own marriage. Love poetry can fill book after book after book, all grasping at what love is. So before I go on I want to ask you what do you think love is? Maybe before reading on start a journal about your expectations of love.

Now I will tell you what I know about love. More then just the word love but sacramental love. If you open to Genesis in the Bible and begin to read you will see after making the earth and Adam and Eve. God blesses Adam and Eve, the 1st marriage! Then God says be fruitful and multiply. Marriage is a great honor to enter into, it is how we are in the image and likeness of God. It parallels the trinity... Father, Son, and Holy spirit all in a communion of love. Just as it is intended for you, your wife, and your children.

Sacramental love means that you are to love your wife as God loves you. So lets take a look at God's definition of love. Let's begin with God the Father's love for us. From the moment that we failed him at the fall he began setting to work on how to restore us to him. Forgiveness. God loved us so much he sent his only Son to earth so that we may come to know Him and Love Him through the Word. In a great example of love Jesus dies for us... he sacrifices in love. Even when humanity has failed time and time again God does not leave us. Jesus although crucified does not leave us alone. He sends the Holy spirit, the giver of life to protect the Church in truth. God is always working to bring us closer to him. God is our father, this is our family. This definition of love is what we were intended for.

When you say there was never love between you then I think it's time to set aside what she's not and instead focus on your relationship with God. Love comes from God to you but it must be stopping there. That love should be flowing from you to your wife and children. If you feel you've never loved your wife then I think the problem is spiritual in yourself. When you realize love is a charitable gift that you give you'll find you have a lot to give, not horde to yourself. You will look to your wife regardless of differences and return to her the faith the Lord has in you she WILL notice. It's charity... charity means to sacrifice... to lay yourself on the line despite the reasonable pride you may feel expecting nothing in return. When you give in charity inside you a wellspring of love overflows. Look at your wife and call her your queen, give over the reigns to God. Your wife may be startled by this. Look deeply into her eyes and see in her a lovely creation of God. Tell her that. As with all things that have been injured by sin God asks for us to be humble, admit to our failings and ask forgiveness. As a gesture of good will and sincere forgiveness also offer to make amends. This is proof of your change of heart.

Ask your wife as you ask your children 'How was your day? Why is that your favorite ice cream? Why do you enjoy that? What do you want to be in life? You love your children with out condition or restraint... why don't you love your wife that way? In fact you are called to love everyone that way. It all begins much like getting to know God. You start on faith seeking the truth. After that the prodigal son is welcomed home in celebration, offering of gifts to you and open dialog. It's no different when you love your wife as a daughter of God, as your queen. She bore your children, opened herself fully to you. She married you, now show her why. Let your faith lead you and share it with her not just in Bible studies but in how you live. How you love, sacrifice and humbly meet her where she's at.

All the butterflies in your stomach, sexual desire, topics of shared interest or what ever you're thinking you're missing is not love at all. That is infatuation. If you love your wife with sacramental love. The love that God gave you... whole worlds will open up between you and the stranger in your house you're married to. Don't for another second waste time. Fall to your knees and pray, give thanks and run to your wife. Tell her you're sorry it's taken so long for this moment but that you're here now. You'd been missing it before but she's beautiful... say that while really seeing her as a person not an object.

Sacramental love, that love of sacrifice gives great gifts. That same loving sacrifice of Christ granted for all of us salvation... just think what sacrificial love can do for your marriage...

In final words. In regards to being an active member in your church. There is more to being active and participating. You shine as a christian not in the obeying the rules and doing what you think people expect of an upright faith member. You really shine in your own reflection of the trinity. That's right... your family. Truly loving your wife, putting her before your church and work responsibilities and holding her as the crown jewel will show you a Christian man more then anything else you could ever do. Your loving your wife and sacrificing for her is your cross... and equally your salvation. Who does the son look to? The Father... exactly... that's you. You are the priestly role in your family. To whom does the wife and son look to ultimately? That would be you. Your house is your temple and you are the priest who leads and shows God's way not your own. You just don't know how blessed you are to be a husband and to be a father. You are right by the way divorce is not in God's plan. That is something man came up with on his own. Is divorce in the Bible? Yes. Mosses allowed it but these words followed... "For your hardness of heart moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so."

I believe in you. I know you can bless your marriage with love between you and your wife. Don't listen to the hurt in yourself and those trying to accuse you of being horrible, we are all human. We all fall, but it is when we get up holding God's offered hand that we can turn things around.

This isn't just theory for me, this exists between myself and my spouse... not always, sure we have bad days. But when this kind of love happens we are closer afterward even if it begins with a disagreement. I'm proud that our love has nothing to do with trivial things like what we have in common on earth but by what we have in common in heaven. Even if your wife isn't a Christian, how you love her like a Christian is the biggest influence in her life to become one and see where this bastion of strength and love comes from. Many times we feel we're just not getting out of our marriage what we'd like... see that feeling for what it is... don't make marriage a human creation when it is a reflection of God.

God be with you and bless you.
You're in my prayers.

-LovedByGod

He who finds a wife finds favor in the lord, so find joy and peace in the fact that your favored by god and quit looking for peace on earth.

You may not have the love you want, but if you can stay with her and be kind then you do love her in a way, or you would have left by now, and if she was gone I think you might be surprised at how lonely you get.

If you are christian then you should know that love is not a feeling it is a decision! If you are looking for butterflies in your tummy you are kidding yourself. You just need to make a decision to love the woman God gave you and the feeling will follow. But you have to be willing to make that decision.

Be strong... and tell her... how u feel... maybe she feels the same way... maybe something will spark a new love... You say you guys walk and talk... about what?? Open up... look up and know that our God does NOT want us to be unhappy... He wants us to live for Him and love every one we are around... he will forgive us and guide us... Open up dude... life on earth is too short to not feel... what we need to feel... :}

As one Christian to another I can sympathize with your situation. I too feel like I married the wrong person, and after 30 years and 5 children I continue to try to make the relationship work. Like you, I have no legal grounds to walk away from my marriage, and I want to do what is right in God's eyes. It took a lot of courage for you to be honest about your feelings, and I think you're on the right track in trying to make the best of things. It sounds like you have decided to love your wife in spite of the fact that you seem to have unmet needs in your relationship with her. While I agree with some of the other responses that tell you that love is a decision, not a magical feeling, I also understand the emptiness you describe. Being with the wrong person is painfully lonely and there are no easy answers. I wish you the best.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bill50

I have been married for many years, but have never been happy. Looking back, I don't think the love was ever there, but I was at what seemed to be a point of no return. My wife is a great person. She certainly doesn't deserve this and doesn't have any idea that there is no love there, I don't think. I sometimes just don't like being around her, most of the time in fact. My happiest times is when she isn't around. We aren't compatible at all, and have very few common interests. I am a Christian and don't believe in divorce, but if I had a way out, I would take it. We split up within a few months of getting married and then I learned she was pregnant. I wouldn't leave her. We have raised our family, I am in my early fifties, and I have learned to cope without love. I treat her well, and she treats me well. I can't tell you how badly this hurts. I have talked with my pastor, counselor and others, but nobody can believe or relate that there had NEVER been love there, so there isn't foundation to build on. Sometimes, I fantasize about her telling me that she has found someone else and she wants out. That would give me my out. I would not hurt her in any way, and have now lived nearly a quarter century of my life without loving my own wife. I don't think anybody in the world understands me. I am very well liked and respected by my church, community and my profession. People like my wife as well.

You say you are Christian. God commands men to love their wives and women to respect their husbands. He commands it because it is not an easy thing to do. It takes the Grace of God for us to carry out His commands. Have you ever truly surrendered your marriage to Him? Love is a choice. Love is an action. Love is not a feeling. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us the things we must do to act in love:
1 Corinthians 13
Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I do not see anything here about how we feel. I see what we are to do.

I know that my husband tries to show his love for me in what he does for me. He provides. He works hard. He makes sacrifices when I ask him to do things he does not want to do. This is love. It's not gushy. It is action, it is choosing to be here for me.

As a Christian, do not confuse what God calls love with what the world calls love.

God never said, "Thou Shalt NOT feel". I don't think Bill needs to be beat over the head with the Bible. He obviously knows the scriptures and is doing his best to behave in a Godly manner. It isn't easy to live out your life with someone that you are uncompatable with and don't enjoy being with. I say KUDOS to Bill. He's only expressing his honest feelings and at the same time he's trying to do the right thing. Christ came to save the unrighteous, not the perfect.

Bill hasn't been back since Dec, 2006 folks, and I'm sure he has solved his problem, one way or another.

I'm glad to see that I'm not the onlyone in the world he feels like this, Bill I do not have the extended commitment of a relationship that you have but I am dealing with a similar situation. I am married to a man who I never really thought it would work with and proabably should have never married but instead, he to said that he prayed about us and felt that God had a plan for us to work with. I liked doing things with him and I thought that the love would come in time, I had not been married before to have the relationship that you did with your previuos wife but I have been in serious relationship that ended with him decideing to go onto someone else. When I found my husband he helped me have fun again after this relationship and he seemed to love me. So now we have been married for only 2 years after dating for 4 and I don't think the love is there. We act more like friend than we do lovers and I am so unhappy with my situation. I know some of you just say divorce but I don't believe in divorce. God says you marry one person and that person you give yourself to not for a few years or until you find someone else, Forever. I long for someone to intimately love me and I don't have that in my marriage but I don't know what do. I am not one to give you answers but I am going to ask you a question how did you pretend for such a long period. How do you have kids with someone and live your life with out really loving them. I am struggling with this daily and am looking for guidance. It is hard to find such guidance in a world that believes divorce will solve everything. I'm sorry to hear of your situation and I hope God gives you the answer your looking but sadly enough what we want and what HE wants doesn't always match up.