Hi all!

My husband and I have been together for a little over 8years - dating for 3years and married for more than 5years.
We met at university. He was my first man ever. I got pregnant almost three years after we started dating, and this coincided with our last year at uni. Soon after we were done with school, we got married and it's been 5years now and we have two beautiful sons together aged 5 and 3.
Throughout our marriage, my husband has been an absentee father and husband. He loves to go out and drink and party with his friends and he was never there to support me, even when the children were little. During the first 4years of our marriage, we lived with his mom and siblings and this provided me with some good support as far as the children were concerned. While my hubby was out partying, I had his mom and brothers to rely on whenever I needed help with a sick child, etc...
Unfortunately my relationship with my hubby deteriorated. At first he used t say that he got into marriage and parenthood too young and he wasn't prepared and needed time to adjust - he was 24 and I was 23. Apart from preferring to be out at the bar with his friends instead f spending time with his wife and kids, my hubby also has a bad temper. The few times he's home early, no one is at peace. He'll scream at everyone for the smallest things, he'll scream and the children when they play and make noise. Hen my youngest one was little, he used to cry a lot. At three months my hubby suggested he spanks him every time he cries so that he knows that whenever he cries, someone spanks him... at six months, my hubby actually spanked him once because he was crying and we all couldn't figure out why!
Every time we'd get into a fight, he'd throw things against the wall and break them and shout obscenities at me regardless of who was listening. He'd also threaten to hit me. His brothers told him if he ever touched me, they'd gang up against him and bit him up.
Eventually we moved into our own house, and a month later we got into an argument. I was sitting on the bed and he flipped it and I fell on the floor. Then whenever I got up he'd push me hard to the bed and he even twisted my arm... well I wast injured but I had chest pains because I he pushed me hard...

Apart from being violent, he is also emotionally abusive. He'll say all sorts of things like my boobs look ugly and the stretch marks on my tummy look disgusting ans my sex is wack and I'm a bad wife and mother and he doenst feel his children are safe around me, etc... he'l basically say anything to put me down.

The first time he got physical, I decided to ask for a divorce considering everything else that was dis-functional in our marriage.
We were separated for three months but then he apologised and made lots of promises and we decided to give it try. That was about a year and a half ago. Three months ago we got into another fight and he got physical again and threw me off the bed, threw the mattress on top of me and was stomping on it with me underneath. He took off his belt and hit my legs and threaten to hit me harder or throw me out of the house if I didn't apologize. He actually asked the housemaid to pack up my stuff so he can throw me out. He even spat at me during the fight. And this wasn't the first time he was sitting at me during a fight... he calmed down eventually and he left before he caused any damage and went to the bar.
This incident really scared me because I started wondering hw far he would go next time. So I decided to report to the policy and to the women's right organisation in my country. 5days later he got a letter from this organisation, asking him to come in for a meeting and an attempt at reconciling our differences. E didn't take it well and reacted violently again. He pushed me hard and I fell on the floor and sprained my wrist. Meanwhile he never even tries to hide these scenes from the kids. Whenever I remind him that the kids are watching or listening, he tells them that their mother is a very stupid woman an that he wants them to learn to be men! Again during this fight, he spat on me and for some reason, I feel this is the worst form of disrespect ever...
After this last fight, I involved the police again and he got scared and packed up his things and moved out. Its now been three months but everyone in our society here thinks I should give him another chance for the sake of the children. Funny thing is, he hasn't even asked for a 2nd chance. Instead, he tells people that I've wanted to leave him for a long time and was just waiting for a reason...
My biggest problem is the fact that th children miss him a lot and he doenst even make an effort to see them often yet he lives only 10mins away from us. I feel really guilty that the kids will no longer see their dad often because of me...

Please advise.

Looking forward to your responses.

Thanks,

cindy81

Get an attorney now. File for divorce and talk to your attorney about a protective order.

Any man that has done what you describe is dangerous and needs to be kept away from you.

Call child protective services and get them involved also. He has been abusing the children and you.

The cycle of abuse shows that it will only get worse. Don't let that happen to you.

You need to act now.

Hi,

My husband and I have been separated for three months and are working on a divorce.
A couple of months ago, one of his close friends who has always been friendly with me, started calling me up regularly, trying to help me and my husband reconcile and we started talking for long hours and I told him everything about my marriage and why it failed. My husband was abusive, both emotionally and physically. At some point he stopped trying to convince to give my marriage another try because he realised his friend had been horrible to me and would not even tell him the truth about what had happened... when he realised my marriage was irreparable, he decided to take my side. He promised to be there for me and help me throughout this process. We became really close, then we started going out on small dates but were very careful not to be seen togther... we became really attracted to each other. Then a few weeks later we were intimate. The first time was well planned and he made me feel special, though we were both nervous and it wasn't really good. After this though we continued to be in touch and see each other regularly and we couldn't stop talking about the next time we'd get together. We both looked forward to it and were very excited. The 2nd time was very spontaneous and really good. However, after this, things became different. He went silent on me for about 2 weeks. I tried to get in touch but he wouldn't respond to most of my texts and emails, and the few times he did, his responses were not as worm. Then he'd not pick my calls most times, and the few times he picked, he'd say he can't talk and he'd call back but he wouldn't...
I asked him why he was acting this way and he said he was suddenly very busy at work but his feelings for me had nt changed. But I knew he could not possibly fail to make time to respond my texts, at least once a day! Something didn't sound right and I didn't believe his excuse...
So I decided to give him his space and I also went quiet.
Then he started getting in touch again but I'd either respond in a not so worm manner or just not respond at all.
He tried some more and then we started communicating regularly again, but still not as regularly as in the beginning.
Eventually he told me that the reason he went quiet was because he felt we were moving too fast. I understood his reason perfectly but I didn't understand why he couldn't just talk to me about it, but instead decided to make decision without involving me...
I can't help but wonder whether he just wants me for sex. Recently he has started bringing up the sex topic again but I've been ignoring it. I'm very attracted to him but what if I give in again and he goes quiet again like the previous time?
Then, is it totally wrong that he's seeing me and still remains friends with my husband? Should I stop seeing him for this reason?
I have a feeling he's not very serious about me and he's using me and taking advantage of my vulnerable state... however in the beginning he made me feel so special and actually boosted my self-confidence in a matter of days! Whatever happens, I'll never forget the few weeks of bliss I went through because of him. He actually helped go through the early days of my separation with my husband so easily! Right now though I'm not sure what his intentions are. Besides I don't think the two of us can ever go public even if he meant well...

Should I be grateful for the good times but move on? Should I hang in there and see how far this goes? We're still good friends, but the lover aspect of our relationship is a bit complicated.

Help!

You certainly have a complicated life. From this other post, it appears you have already made the decision to divorce your husband. I certainly applaud you regarding that decision. You need to get him out of your life and your childrens' lives. I don't understand what there is for you to feel guilty about? You aren't keeping him from seeing his children, are you? He has made this decision and if his temper is what you say it is, you are all better off if his contact with you and your children are minimized. So, take that guilt and throw it out the window. Stop allowing him to emotionally manipulate you from afar.

At 23, I don't expect you to fully understand how to proceed but you certainly are old enough to realize that you need to end one relationship before starting another. The biggest problem here is that this other man is your husband's friend. I understand your need for attention and affection (especially when you are going through such an emotional upheaval as a divorce) but immediately jumping into another relationship is NOT the answer. You need to take some time and pay attention to your children and get your entire life in order before you consider dating again.

As JAL stated, you need to completely end the relationship you are in before starting another.

It does not bode well that after you had sex he became distant, then decides you should slow down.
You should stop. This is not the kind of support and attention you need now even though it may seem so.
He is being selfish at best and I think using your confused emotional state for his own selfish purposes.

JAL has given you sound reasonable advice I suggest you follow.

I think the others are right. While I applaud you for getting rid of the abusive husband, jumping right into a sex relationship with his friend so soon and expecting it to work in long run, is unrealistic.

He may have been an important part of you moving forward, but at best its only as a secret lover. You still will have to deal with your divorce and helping your kids through this situation, but he isn't in a position, nor seems willing to support you other than between the sheets.

Forget another relationship so soon after a failed marriage, as your healing will take some time before your really ready to be a healthy partner for any one.

Thanks guys. And I agree with you all.
JAL, the reason I feel guilty is because if I'd let my hubby back into our home, the kids wouldn't miss him like they do... but again, he's not safe and the kids are better off without him living with him. I don't stop him from seeing them. Its totally his choice... I also realised that the children are still young enough to adjust to not seeing their dad everyday and not be affected in anyway...
You're all right about this other guy... its just so difficult to suddenly be alone after being in a relationship for 8 straight years. I don't know how to be alone anymore... but its part of the challenge and its in my best interested and that of my children to learn to stand on my own... mart, I'm going to end it tonight. I'll find a nice way to tell him we should just stay friends...
I like the phrase "having a relationship should be a bonus to your life and should not be the only reason to be happy" :-)

Thanks a lot guys for the valuable advice.

Blessings.

You do need some time alone to sort out your feelings and get your bearings. If there is a program for abused women in your area, you should check it out and get some counseling. Most of these programs are free. I just left after 20+ years of abuse. It isn't easy, but I certainly won't be looking to get into another relationship right away - better for you and your kids to stand on your own feet for awhile. You'll find strength you didn't know you had and your kids will respect you more.

Thanks lablover2. 20+ years? Wow. I'm glad you're out of it now.
It's only been a few days since I stopped seeing this other guy but I'm doing much better already.
Thanks again.

Hi all,

Once again I need your advise and guidance. I realize that it is difficult to do two people's jobs singlehandedly. I am referring to the fact that I now have to be both a dad and a mom to my boys. I have no worries that I will be the best mom that I can be, but my worry is the fact that I am a woman raising men, yet I have no idea what it is to be a man! I think it would be easier if I was dealing with daughters... how do I raise my boys to be the best men they can be? How do I make sure I don't influence certain female behaviors in them unknowingly?
I have a few ideas of friends and family members who I fell would make good role models for my boys, but how do I convince them to be in my sons' lives and how much time must they spend together to actually have an impact?
Please help.

Relax, just be a good mom, and they will be fine men don't worry. As for role models, and male mentors, it kind of natural for boys to gravitate toward males they see a lot of, and if YOU think those guys are a positive influence, more than likely they are, and will be.

Just be honest when they ask questions, and make sure your answers are age appropriate. Single parenthood is not easy, but I have been told that its very rewarding when the children do well. I have a feeling you will be a great mom.