Hi,
To make the story short.

I am worried that I might get sick again from another time off.

I was in engaged a year and a half ago, when my ex got a job in another country and suddenly asked for time off. It was 4 months before the engagement party. I found out that all along he had intentions of breaking up with me but asked for time off as a way to eventually break up with me. I did no contact, but was extremely hard. I worked and focused on myself, but I ended up weighing 100 lb, unable to eat, started getting brown spots and ended up feeling tired everyday do to lack of sleep and food.

I did everything could pick myself up and I thought I did, but my body was telling me otherwise. Eventually, I found out his intentions and somehow I overcame the ordeal with a broken heart and a weak immune system. Of course I got over it after a year, and my friend set me up with somebody.

I was ready and now dating him for 8 months now. But my boyfriend currently works overtime and he did tell me that he would be busy and asked me not to get the wrong impression that he didn't care. So, we made plans to eat dinner a couple of times a week.

But after a big miscommunication, both of us simply felt sour and tired. He asked for time off, saying he was exhausted with work and with the relationship. I was stunned. I understand the stress level with work, but didn't know he felt this overwhelmed. He asked me to really think about the relationship and see if I can put up with his busy schedule be okay with it-if it is contributing to the stress in the relationship or not.

I was upset with the miscommunication and I felt he was taking this matter really seriously, saying that this was a pattern in our relationship.

Either way, I felt a surge of anxiety. It was déjà vu. I had heard something so similar from my ex and the first thing I felt was concern for my own well-being. I am scared that I will fall into the same pattern and end up losing my health again. I fear that this is also an excuse to break up.

Do guys come back and contact and really mean "time off?"
I don't want false hope but don't want to jump into conclusions either. Yet, I've been burnt really bad before and don't know what to do.

Should I contact him and explain or simply follow the NC rule? So confused.:confused:


Sorry for the typos.

Just my opinion, but a happy, healthy relationship involves working through problems and stress together and not apart. Relationships are tough and demanding, it is almost a living thing in itself - that requires a ton of nurturing and patience. From what I read, he did ask for "time off" correct? Or are you just afraid he will?

Clear honest communications would be the way to understand his meaning of time off.

I don't know what that means, and I am sure you don't either, so of course you don't know what to do. I think you ask him what the hell does "time off" mean. If it's a break up that's one thing, but if your too needy of his time and attention that's another.

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He asked for time off, saying he was exhausted with work and with the relationship.

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I would take this as a break up, and not look back. That means NC!! I would also if I were you just date for fun and not commit to this exclusive boyfriend.girlfriend stuff until you are healthy enough to not fall apart when relationships fall apart. I say this because as KC said, healthy couples talk through things and solve their issues and since you have no clue what he is talking about, the miscommunication, or lack of being able to communicate, has brought a wedge between you, and you can't remove it, but for whatever reason its time to leave him alone because he is to busy.

There is no shame or fault, just hurt hurt feelings to deal with.

I think both of us are not good with any form of communication. I think he wants me to be strong, independent and happy with myself. I am, but he is normally the one whining and complaining, not me.

The issue with me? He works 8-5; dinner and back to work 7-11. Plus, the stress he gets from work. Then on weekends, he has to stop by the office for 5 hours. At the end, he is exhausted and stressed. Wants to simply relax and do nothing at home. I understand, and have made no indication of nagging him or bothering him about it. He talks on and on about his stress and all the negative things about his boss. What am I supposed to do? It's irritating to hear someone complain all the time. But I try to listen (good God)

I am human and have feelings too. The attempt to understand his hectic schedule is enough for me to handle. Now, I have to listen to his whining. This is not reciprocal. I talked to him and asked him to make some sort of time or attempt to communicate with me besides his complaints from work.

Ultimately, it is resentment on my side and we had a small miscommunication which escalated. Whereas, I would usually be the more understanding one, I didn't let in. So, he wanted a few days off to get better. He called later and said he was feeling better and back to his own self.

I was not enthusiastic. I felt like it was all about him.Resentment on my side again. I was thinking, "is this all he has to say? I'm back to my old self now?"

My lack of enthusiasm and blame has made him exhausted. You would think his hectic work schedule and whining didn't exhaust me? Again resentment.

It would be nice to see him simply cater to my feelings a little more.

Am I being greedy here? I just don't get it.
I'm 31 and it really is sad that I just don't get these things.

Is his work schedule always going to be like this or is it a temporary thing?

His work will always be like this for the next 4 years.
I can't complain because I knew what I was getting into, but I guess it was a lot to handle in the beginning.

The relationship feels like so much work on my part. Work, in terms of trying to be patient and understanding when I can't get my needs met. But who can blame someone who has a hectic work schedule?

I work, play and do my own things. But it is different when you feel deep down inside you know he isn't "there" and u have to deal with these problems/feelings on your own.

I can feel what you are saying about how hard hearing taking "time off" can be. I've heard so many times "We're over", but then in a few days we are back to our old routines. During the "we're over" times I don't do well with it, but I do keep with very minimal contact during those times.

I've read all the get back together books that advice things like "give 30 days away" for the other party to forget the bad, and remember the good, and don't accept any communications until then. Its tough advice to follow.

But getting out of someone's face who is really upset, going away for a little while, maybe a day or two, can make sense. But someone needs to break the ground to get back to working together. It's usually me.

I've been told several times by my girlfriend, during our happier times, she is happy I reestablished contact with her relatively quickly, I don't just leave us on not speaking to each other for long periods like other guys do to her.


> Just my opinion, but a happy, healthy relationship involves working through problems and stress together and not apart.

I agree with this whole-heartedly. I am always for this solution of, if a couple has any more thought of a relationship, lets try to work together through it.

But the flip side, that all those books point out, is that you can't appear needy in the meantime.

Somehow you have to love yourself to take care of yourself, so that you have something to offer the other person when they come back to you. And if they don't, you've got something to offer the next person if you can manage not to fall apart in the interim.

So take care of yourself, no matter what the eventual outcome.

I find that just trying to think about other things isn't enough. Find some other things to actually do, and accomplish. The more active the better. Not stuff like watching TV or movies where your mind can drift back to the "time off" issue, but even better is something that puts your body in motion. A gym can be nice, but even better might be gardening, or painting a house for an elderly neighbor. If you're doing volunteer work for someone like that, you can get a huge benefit psychologically for that, and a new friend too.

All that being said, maybe he is not as attentive as you need...

Another example: I am able to do a lot of my work from any café. I worked near her job to share her dinner break with her, but she called me an hour or two before telling me how there was no one else working with her. I realized that might mean she wouldn't get a break, so at the appointed time for her break, I went into her work, she was busy apologizing about how she couldn't come and have dinner, but I said no problem. I asked her if I could go and get her something to eat, and she was delighted to send me to Popeyes with her tip money to get some dinner for both of us. I got back and waited for a while, and finally a manager relieved her so we could go to the breakroom and wait. It was neat to have her introducing me to her friends as her boyfriend and had brought her dinner, they seemed impressed. Later, she asked me if I would get her some desert from yogurt land, and I did. She was delighted I would spend my day to give her that kind of attention. It wasn't a big skin of my nose, I'd gotten a lot done while I was waiting for her: I went bowling, did some writing, got rid of hundreds of backlogged emails for my job.

There are those here who will think I'm nuts for having done that with how she has recently treated me, but if you're going to be with someone, you got to pamper them a little bit.

Focus on doing something really nice for someone, especially when you are resentful, doesn't give you much time to focus on your resentment.

Sometimes there is a lot of benefit in modelling the behavior you'd like to see in your partner. Doing something really nice for them, can sometimes break the ice, and show them how you would like to be treated.

But if you're not getting the change to model the behaviour you would like him to have, because of no time with him, and he doesn't understand it on his own, maybe you need to keep looking for someone mature enough to already know these things.

I really don't see the point in depending on him, when he has proven he isn't exactly what you want.

Its hard but after 8 months, and it ain't working, why stay? Heck, you don't seem to be working well together and can barely talk to one another. So tell me if this is worth 4 more years?

Well it seems that this man has prioritised his work over relationships for the next 4 years. This pretty much suggests that he is going to be mostly unavailable emotionally for a lot of that time. So are you prepared to be the one putting nearly all of the effort in for that long, with no guarantees at the end of it really? That's an awfully big ask but it is your call.

The plus side of all of this is, he has been HONEST. Unlike your ex fiancé.

He has clearly said what his life is for the time being. Not forever, but in the immediate long term, of about 4 years you said. He wants you to be sure about the relationship because of his commitments, and has given you options. I'd say he's a good man, with good intentions, and he's being considerate of your feelings.

The only question as I see it, is whether you are willing to make the sacrifice of living your life around the fact that he will be needing time to himself. He has told you exactly how his life is, and has left the door open for you.

I would not be so quick to throw such an honest hard working guy to the curb.

My husband was an apprentice Lineman, and (way back when), his training involved four month rotations. He was required to move to different locations, sometimes remote. It was very difficult to see him only on occasion. But, the years in training, finally ended, and knowing there was an end in sight, I hung in there. And here we are 34 years later.

So think if you can, long term here. He has only given you the immediate future, but it may not reflect how an entire life with him will be. There could also be a time during the relationship where you are not available- perhaps you will have to travel to stay with a sick parent for example. Is he the type of man that would and/or could accept things if the situation you face now, were reversed with you needing the time and space.

I hope that you really think this through, and that you are not afraid to express yourself to him. If you can be as honest with him, as he's been with you, perhaps he has just not spoken the long term words- yet.

Thank you all for the advice.
I know that if the situation was in reverse, he would make the effort to understand me as well.
He and his other colleagues all agree that women that have relationships (dating, marriage) will never fully understand their line of work. They fight about it and their life style even reinforces the idea that the women are needy. I can see why, because we really have to watch their schedule if we want any quality time.

Spending a whole weekend to travel or even watch a movie is really a luxury. So, yes, resentment is there and it escalates with every little fight.

I do want to work on this relationship because he is a good decent man and we are compatible. Communication might be an issue since there is no time for communication. But I will see how it works out.

Thanks all.

A good, decent man is hard to come by. ;)

You seem a little discouraged, and I understand that, having walked in your shoes myself.

One little thing that I used to do was keep a calendar with big squares on it. If there was something funny, or something we needed to talk about, or a reminder of something, when he did get home, we caught up without missing anything. Of course now in the computer/texting/instant communication age, there really is no reason why the two of you couldn't communicate once a day. Not enough to be overwhelming or seem 'needy', but enough to keep the home fires burning until he does return.

My husband is about to take a new job with his company, and he'll be gone 2 out of four weeks. After 34 years of marriage, I'm having to force myself not to get too excited. :D

But, in the beginning- as it is with you now, the together times were very, very sweet.

All the best of luck to you.

Threads merged

I've posted here before but would like some more clarification about my situation.

I did break up with my boyfriend of 8 months (He dumped me), and I was devastated. Yet, I think I kind of knew the relationship was not working because there was so much resentment on my part and tension between us.

He did tell me up front of his busy schedule and I made effort to make sure that I understood it. But, I felt that I was doing all the understanding... all the work to keep the relationship going. So, I was lonely- even when I was doing my own stuff. Having fun in life is hard when you are not happy in a relationship.

He finally broke it off but I asked that we take time a break before making a final decision. He disagreed, claiming that a break would not work. So, I agreed. What else was I going to say to someone who wanted to break up?

I went home, upset, felt betrayed. But realized that we were different people and I was not getting my needs met and vice-versa.

2 days later, he messaged me stating that if I wanted to... we could rethink about the relationship again and take some to think whether it would work in the future. I agreed and now we are taking time off.

I needed this time to really reconsider a final break was the right thing to do and reevaluate if there is hope of change in our relationship.Basically, I considered it a time for me to make a decision for myself without any regrets. I haven't told anyone about the break-up, as respect for the relationship we used to have. Besides, I didn't think of it as a break-up, but as putting the relationship on hold.

But, I heard recently from a friend that he has proclaimed our breakup to his colleagues and boss. I was a bit annoyed as to why he would announce our break up if he was "rethinking" the relationship. It is a bit confusing... why is he telling people that we broke up, yet agree that we were on a break? Are these things the same thing or am I overreacting or just not getting it?

I consider taking a break as a state of limbo in a relationship-without full closure. I guess guys think otherwise? Any clarification on this?

Sometimes people say "break" because they don't want to truly cut the cord, keep options open, don't want to hurt, or are just plain wusses.

Here's the thing:

" think I kind of knew the relationship was not working"

"But realized that we were different people and I was not getting my needs met and vice-versa. "

Let him go. Don't ever talk to him. Go NC. Disappear.
Give him that "break" or "breakup" he wanted.

(and one you really wanted, too... )

Don't wait around. Its done.

"Having fun in life is hard when you are not happy in a relationship."

You got that right!!

If you take a break and don't realize what's wrong and have a solution to fix it, then what's the point? Why do you have to take a break in the first place when there are problems to be resolved. Its not the breaks, or the break ups, but the lack of honest communications and a willingness to work together that's the problem.

How else can you make adjustments along the way that benefits both partners? Sure you can take a break, and miss having each other, and get back together, but does that solve anything? Hardly ever, and those issues always come back to bite you no matter how deep you bury them, or how hard you ignore them. They just never go away until you face them, and resolve them.

My niece asked my wife why we have been together for so long, and her answer was that we communicate and over time come to a resolution of what must be done, so we can make the adjustments together. We both like to solve our differences in a mature way, and that does take time, and patience, and sometimes you just have to back off and cool off.

Honest communications is totally expressing how you feel, and being able to listen, and understand how your partner feels. Then you can work on you both benefiting from the plan that calls for changes and adjustments so you both are happy.

That's the thing, knowing what to give, and being happy with what you get. Starts with honesty, between you, and anything less seldom works for you both. Facts, and NOT just feelings. If you are not patient with each other, and know when to push a point, and back off when you have to. Emotions rule, and no progress can be made.

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Quote by jan100;
Yet, I think I kind of knew the relationship was not working because there was so much resentment on my part and tension between us.

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And how did you present this to him?? Where did it come from, how did you deal with it??

If he has already made it 'official' that the two of you have broken up, then I'd say anything else is a moot point.

I would be inclined to ask him directly why he broke that commitment to think things over before breaking up, and let it be known that you do not appreciate knowing he told everybody, before he told you, that it was over.

From there, that would be last contact. Change is not in the works for this guy.

His way of communication is taking time off.
I am the opposite. I communicate upfront and tell him what I feel. I get no response.

That is the frustration I have accumulated. I don't care how busy someone is. If that person feels something for the other person, I truly believe you can make time to care what the other person is going through. Am I asking for too much?

I can be extremely busy and stressed out, but I will find a few minutes to call up and ask how his day is. I try to show that I care. I always thought this came naturally for anyone. I am thinking that perhaps it doesn't come naturally for some people.

With him, I feel he can't multitask. If it's work- it's work. He lacks the capacity or skill to do anything but work. I guess a lot of men have this tendency to focus on one thing and forget other things.

I know he cares about me. He tries to show respect for me in front of others.When I moved in with him 3 months ago, he usually does the laundry and cleans the house, while I cook and make his lunch. Doing small things that does not require any form of up front communication is his way of caring.

So, for him, any form of confrontation and open communication is really awkward and uncomfortable. In this respect, we communicate in opposite ways. So, yes, it is hard for both of us. He doesn't get why I want to talk about everything and I don't understand why he wants to avoid everything.

For example, He probably feels suffocated and stressed wit open, verbal communication, whereas, taking time off for me feels like a way of escaping and avoiding a problem. This is our difference and I really don't know what to do. This is the biggest reason why there was so much tension and resentment on both of us.

I've told him that I want quality time at least once a week. A cup of coffee for an hour or just us sitting talking about how our week was. I don't think that is much to ask. He tries, but I can tell he is just not "there." (he doesn't know how to communicate in this way and I can tell it wasn't working).He says if I want to do something together, just ask. But I certainly don't want to be the one initiating everything. Remember, the busy one his him- not me. So, it would be nice if he was considerate enough to initiate a date for a change. But again, we communicate differently and I feel stuck. I feel this is perhaps a man's way of communicating that I am just not getting?

The stress accumulated and when he did finally did quit on the relationship, he told me later that perhaps he acted a bit harsh (and reacted a bit emotionally) when asking for a break up. I think that is why he wanted to think about the relationship again. Deep down we care for one another, but this difference in communication is driving both of us nuts.

Should I respect and understand his request for time off as his way of communication? Simply put, Is taking time off a form of communication?This is new to me. I always thought communication meant sitting down and working things out. So, for me... taking time off is a really awkward form of communication.

He asked me to be more patient and respect this time-off or whatever this NC means.

So, how do you know when enough is enough?
Am I being self-centered? Do you think counseling will help? (considering that he isn't the type to open up with direct communication?)

Yes you should respect his space to think. That's why old married guys like me appreciate our "man caves" or go fishing. That's were we can think, and consider things, and see where our head is at.

I can appreciate your need to express your feelings, but few men can take such an expression ALL the time. Being willing to compromise and work.

What gets most couples I think is expecting INSTANT results, and not knowing when to back off, and be patient while your partner processes, and ponders what he has heard. That's a killer.

Thank you, talaniman.
Slowly, I am getting a better glimpse of how men react differently.