Ask Me Help Desk - Cut off contact with woman to get her back?

I was involved in a relationship with a woman for 2 and a half years and she told me 2 months ago that she now just wants to be friends. Some background: during our entire relationship, I could never fully commit to her or return to her the love in the same way that she showed me. I remained hung up on a previous girlfriend who had moved to another city but who I continued to visit and speak with every day. I felt totally torn between the two. The woman ultimately gave up on me about 6 months ago but continued sleeping with me. Now, two months ago she tells me that she has fallen in love with her father’s good friend (she’s 31, he is 52) who is married and lives in another country. This is a man who she has known all her life and has always looked at as an uncle. They have carried on an email relationship although they did have several physical encounters over a 2 week period when she visited her parents in Sept. She tells me she loves him and that he will leave his wife if she wants him to and move to the US to be with her. He is planning on coming to visit her for 3 weeks in Jan—she says she has hardly been alone with him, that all their previous encounters have been in secret, and that she wants to see what it is like to spend time with him during these 3 weeks.
When she first told me about this and said she wanted to remain friends, she was very distant—would not touch me although we were hanging out all the time. We kept talking about this situation and I kept trying to convince her to come back to me, to no avail. I was being very needy. Then, I ignored her for a week and she became very eager to hang out, so we went out on a Sat night, had a great time, and ended up sleeping together. We then started hanging out 3-4 times a week and sleeping together maybe once a week (not always when drunk either). She has been very hot and cold to me though, and she readily admits that to me when we talk about it. She still says she just wants to be friends, but then she often acts like my girlfriend when we go out (very affectionate, all over me, gives me kisses). She tells me that she feels a spark for me at some times but not all the time, and because of that “cannot be in a relationship with me right now”—she seems hung up on this guy for some reason (despite all the complications that could result from the two of them being together) and I feel like that is not going to change until she sees him again in Jan. She told me two weeks ago that she cannot sleep with me any longer cause she feels guilty about it the next day, but then we just slept together again yesterday.
At this point, I am trying to figure out how to be towards her until this guy comes to visit. I will tell her that I cannot talk to her when he is here, but I am not sure whether to cut off contact with her right now or maybe just to see her occasionally over the next few weeks until the guy gets here to let her feel my presence and just have good times with her to think about when the guy is here. I do not under any circumstances want to get put in the friend zone. I am afraid that if I cut off contact with her now, that she will be totally over me by the time he gets here and then I will have no chance of getting her back. I hold out hope that maybe she will realize that a relationship with this guy is not the right thing to do and maybe come back to me when he leaves? I have done my best to not appear desperate, even telling her last week that I think about being with her but am not sure whether that is what I want (but that of course is not true, I am totally I love with her). Is there any reason to continue hanging out with her, or should I just drift away for a while and see what happens with this guy?

This gal is a train wreck waiting to happen. Yes, you should cut off all contact, but not to get her back. You have your own issues to deal with, so place your attention on that. Until you do, you'll keep getting involved with emotionally unstable women like this one.

Train wreck is a mild statement. She is not into having anything with you but a relief session. You are her booty call and as long as you submit yourself to her, you will always be just that. Its obvious for a chance with her, you will do whatever she wants. She knows that. You will do whatever she says. She knows that too. You will wait forever for her to comeback to you. She knows that. She has all the power, plus a chain through your nose and she leads you where ever she wants you. While she's away she will chain you to the porch and tell you to stay. YOU WILL! I could go on all night, until my keyboard letters disappear, but I hope I've made my point. Be a good time to run as far from her as you can. Oh I forgot you loooooove her with all your heart. NOT HEALTHY!!

Stop being a fool, bro! She is losing respect for you, honestly! You stay away from her . If you still want to get her back someday then act a bit arrogant. If she isn't back for you then at least you gain some respect from her.

Yep - move on. Find a NORMAL women.

I may be wrong but it sounds to me like you are her 'booty' call and yet she is also this married guy's 'booty' call..

He won't leave his wife for her, at least I imagine this is extremely unlikely. He is probably the type to feed all sorts of false hope and lies to try and get what he wants which ultimately is to sleep with her, I am sorry to say. He is basically a user like she appears to be. Maybe they are a match made in heaven because of this..

Sorry, I don't mean to slate the person you say you love and I know she is not here to defend herself but from the facts you have given here, this is what appears to be true.

Everyone is being used left, right and centre in this situation..

She has red flags all over the place.

You have two choice I can foresee:

1.) Continue to be her puppet.

2.) Forget her and move on!! Find someone more deserving of you and who respects you.

Talaniman: Yes, sadly and pathetically I agree with most of what you say. The thing is, this girl is like a drug to me. It's almost like I am addicted to her. And I know whenever I call up and ask her to hang out she will do it--and I get my fix for a few days. And then she tells me that if she does not see me for a few days, then she misses me. I don't even know what that means.

I keep telling myself to cut off contact with her just to work on myself and get over her, but I can't help but hope that she will come back to me after she actually spends time with this old dude. I think she craves the attention from me, despite everything she says about just being friends. So I think, cut off the attention, make her feel the loss, and maybe I have a shot with her again if she becomes disillusioned with this guy after she actually spends time with him.

Okay, so I decide to take everyone's advice and just stop talking to her. Up to now we had basically spoken every single day since she told me she wanted to be just friends. On Wed (the first day of no contact), she calls me at midnight, I don't pick up. On Thurs, she calls me in the morning, texts me in the afternoon, and calls me again at night (again, no picking up her calls). I did text her back that night saying sorry I couldn't call cause I was out drinking with friends. On Friday, she calls me at 10pm and leaves a message saying merry xmas and wondering what I am up to--I text her back at like 1am and say got your message and merry xmas to you too, take care.

It's so hard to maintain this, especially given her daily efforts to reach me. Its funny, but I always feel better after she has called me and I haven't picked up, almost as if it is empowering or something. I just don't know how long I can maintain it. The more she tries to reach me, the more I think there is a shot for me with her. And it makes me wonder if she will really miss me during the 3 week period in Jan when her father's friend is visiting her.

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The more she tries to reach me, the more I think there is a shot for me with her

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You admit to being hooked so forget the getting back together, Are you crazy, You mean back to the use and abuse?! Dude cut the contact and move on, and I already know how hard it is, and yes she wants you back so she can chain you back up to the porch. Until you see how unhealthy this relationship is to YOU, there is no point in telling you anything else.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Talaniman: Yes, sadly and pathetically I agree with most of what you say. The thing is, this girl is like a drug to me. It's almost like I am addicted to her.

:eek: You really need to step back and think why you feel this way.. >Sounds way too unhealthy..

So this woman who you have feelings for has told you that in January for 3 weeks she doesn't want you around because she's going to sleep with another guy. That isn't a HUGE indication to you that this is unhealthy? She might as well tell you you're the back up plan. I think she kind of has actually. She might as well flat out tell you she uses people. Again, I think she kind of has. If you want your sanity back then drop all contact. ALL contact. She will get the picture. Don't do this for her, do it for yourself.

Well, after trying my best to stay away from her, I hung out with the girl one more time last night. I knew that this man that she says she is in love with is coming to visit her for 3 weeks starting this Sat. We talked casually for a bit, then she says "I won't see you for a couple weeks". Then we started to have another "talk": she says she wants to spend time with this man to see how she feels about him (cause she has hardly spent any time alone with him) and she is not sure yet if she wants to be with him. He has already moved out of his house away from his wife and has his own apartment in his country, and she says he will move to the US to be with her if she wants him to, so it sounds like he is serious about her. Again, she said she no longer has the strong feelings for me that she used to and doesn't know if she can ever feel that way again, but left open the possibility that sometime in the future the two of us could be together. The sad fact is, I broke her heart by not returning the love that she wanted for 2 years, and now I don't know if she can ever feel that way about me again.

So, at this point, I am taking everyone's advice and just going NC. He is here through the end of Jan--I know she will call me when he leaves (or maybe even when he is here, during the day when she can call me at work from her work), but I will do my best to not take her calls when that happens. Don't know if I have the willpower for that, though. I keep wondering though whether she will become disillusioned with this man when she finally spends real time alone with him--their whole courtship has basically been via email apart from a few secretive encounters a few months ago. I think the only way I can stick to NC is to hold on to the hope that it is the only way she might come back to me, but I am assuming that that hope eventually dies away?

Do you mean if she decided to come back to you, you would accept her with open arms and forget the past abuses? YOU NEED HELP! That is sick. She has used you, abused your love, desrespected your manhood, and kept you under her thumb all this time, and you hope she comes back to do the same? You need professional help!

I feel really bad for you my friend. Oh don’t get me wrong I couldn't care less about this situation and that whore you have that is going to be sleeping with a guy she barely knows this coming weekend. I feel really bad that you just don’t seem to get it. She’s not only using you which many women do. But she’s rubbing your face in it. I’m really feel bad for you because unlike some people that get cheated on they usually find out the hard way. She just flat out says, “I’m screwing this guy for 3 weeks, don’t call me.” And your going to be a good little puppy and follow along. There is seriously something wrong with you that makes you take this abuse but on top of that justify it.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Well, after trying my best to stay away from her, i hung out with the girl one more time last night.

Please. You didn’t try your best. You made one last ditch effort to get her before the guy she’s screwing for the next 3 weeks shows up.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

I knew that this man that she says she is in love with is coming to visit her for 3 weeks starting this Sat.

I’ll take that as an admission to what I just said.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

We talked casually for a bit, then she says "I won't see you for a couple weeks". Then we started to have another "talk": she says she wants to spend time with this man to see how she feels about him (cause she has hardly spent any time alone with him) and she is not sure yet if she wants to be with him.

I’ll rewrite what she really said. “I’m going to screw this guy for the next 3 weeks. You are not to call me, but you can think about as much as you want. When he goes home, I might be bored and need you to come over and buy me something, be my booty call, or clean my toilet. What ever it is when I tell you just do it.”

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Originally Posted by john_doe

He has already moved out of his house away from his wife and has his own apartment in his country, and she says he will move to the US to be with her if she wants him to, so it sounds like he is serious about her.

Wow so your whore is not only rubbing your face in the fact that this time next week she’ll be sleeping with someone else, but your whore is also a home wrecker in another country. Wow she sounds terrific. And you actually want to be with her? I’d rather be along than put up with her BS.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Again, she said she no longer has the strong feelings for me that she used to and doesn't know if she can ever feel that way again, but left open the possibility that sometime in the future the two of us could be together.

Oh how cute, she tied your finger with her string and is now “stinging you along.” The fact that you believe her scares me.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

The sad fact is, I broke her heart by not returning the love that she wanted for 2 years, and now I don't know if she can ever feel that way about me again.

The sad fact is she handed you that line so that the guilt would solely be on you. That’s a BS line by master BS’er who is full of more BS than anyone I’ve heard described at this site in a long time.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

So, at this point, i am taking everyone's advice and just going NC. He is here through the end of Jan--I know she will call me when he leaves (or maybe even when he is here, during the day when she can call me at work from her work), but I will do my best to not take her calls when that happens. Don't know if I have the willpower for that, though.

I can’t even fathom that you wrote that.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

I keep wondering though whether she will become disillusioned with this man when she finally spends real time alone with him--their whole courtship has basically been via email apart from a few secretive encounters a few months ago. I think the only way i can stick to NC is to hold on to the hope that it is the only way she might come back to me, but I am assuming that that hope eventually dies away?

I’m really sorry, I just can’t believe that your doing this to yourself. She’s an evil skanky whore and she’s practically telling you that. And you still don’t get it. I mean I genuinely feel bad for you because some people it takes a couple of attempts but it gets through and I just don’t see it with you. I’m sorry but I agree with Tal, you need some therapy. There has to be a reason you doing this and accepting this pain. YOU DON”T DESERVE THIS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Let me correct one misconception evident in the last two posts: she did not cheat on me. We basically agreed to break up about 6 months ago, me because I just was not into her at the time, and she because she was so disappointed that I was not giving her what she wanted. We maintained a physical relationship, but over the course of the last few months, my feelings for her grew and she fell for this other guy. So it is not a matter of tolerating a cheater, but whether I can get her back after I let her go. It might be selfish, but I set the stage for her to go off and find someone else and now I want to do my best to get her back.

And yes, I am currently in therapy.

<<He has already moved out of his house away from his wife and has his own apartment in his country, and she says he will move to the US to be with her if she wants him to>>

So she is his rebound also... sad thing is in a few months she will probably be back to you as he will dump her and you will be like a puppy running back to her!

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Let me correct one misconception evident in the last two posts: she did not cheat on me. We basically agreed to break up about 6 months ago, me because I just was not into her at the time, and she because she was so disappointed that I was not giving her what she wanted. We maintained a physical relationship, but over the course of the last few months, my feelings for her grew and she fell for this other guy. So it is not a matter of tolerating a cheater, but whether I can get her back after I let her go. It might be selfish, but I set the stage for her to go off and find someone else and now I want to do my best to get her back.

This is exactly what I mean. You don't get "it." I never made mention of her cheating on you in a confined relationship. She's stringing you along so that she can have as a back up plan anytime she wants. She's already broke up another marriage so obviously that instition doesn't mean anything to her. To me it's absolutely irrelevant if you were in a relationship. She's using you. And you are much better than this. You deserve better than this. I'd rather be alone then put up with this.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

And yes, I am currently in therapy.

That's for the best. What does you therapist say about all this?

Thanks to everyone for your responses, especially Chuff. Well, the man is now here staying with her. He arrived on Saturday. I have not spoken with her at all since then, blocked her on Google chat, etc--basically completely dropped out of sight. Thinking about the two of them together is killing me. I have had the urge several times to call her at work this week, but of course that is completely pointless. I keep wanting information about how things are going between them. And I am hurt that she has not called me. The good thing is that I am not acting on any of this and staying away from her. Can I avoid her forever? I don't know but I really want to try. It really does feel like withdrawal--i can't sleep, I am obsessing about it, wondering about what they are doing. It does not seem to be getting any better. How long until this goes away? Like I said earlier, she will definitely call me when he leaves--so I have two more weeks to work up the willpower to not take her call.

Definitely do not take her call... In 2 months you will feel a lot better. Right now of course it hurts like Hell.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Thanks to everyone for your responses, especially Chuff.

No problem.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Well, the man is now here staying with her. He arrived on Saturday. I have not spoken with her at all since then, blocked her on Google chat, etc--basically completely dropped out of sight.

That is a move that I think you should have done some time ago. That being said you’ve started it and stuck to your guns. You can keep this up and I suggest you do it for a longer period then the next 3 weeks.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Thinking about the two of them together is killing me.

Unfortunately, there’s not magic solution for this. I have a couple of recommendations, one is to not become stagnant. What I mean is don’t just sit around watching TV. Get up and do something. Anything, clean the house, go for a walk, go to the library, anything that just gets you moving. My second recommendation is along this same train of thought but if you have a gym membership use it. And really push yourself physically. The harder you push yourself the more you forget about her, and for that matter everything else going on in your life.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

I have had the urge several times to call her at work this week, but of course that is completely pointless.

Yes, and it’s only going to prolong the pain. It’s time for you to start focusing on yourself and move forward.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

I keep wanting information about how things are going between them.

Dude, please don’t punish yourself for her behavior. She’s not worth being with and she’s not worth the pain you let yourself feel.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

And i am hurt that she has not called me.

Well she’s not going to. And if she did then she would be doing it behind his back, which makes her a cheater even if there not technically not an item. She’s playing you both now.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

The good thing is that i am not acting on any of this and staying away from her.

That is the good thing and be honest to yourself. Your doing a damn good job of it. You feared this going in so you built yourself up and now your living it. So your going to be emotional but despite that your toughing it out and showing that you can hang in there during these tough times. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Can i avoid her forever?

I had a friend who had quit doing drugs and was sober for 4 years say something that I thought was profound and I think will help you. He said, “I can’t quit for a lifetime, but I can quit for a day.” In other words we tend quit something or lose something and it overwhelms us to the point where we think how can we go a lifetime like this. Well that’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself, but if you tell yourself, I can make it through the day (which you have proven you can) then the days start stacking on top on one another. All those days eventually give you leverage and let you know that you can go on and not have any “withdrawals.” Eventually, you forget all about this situation and move forward. Your still in the early stages but you can and will overcome this.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

I dont know but I really want to try.

You’ve done it 5 days so far. Your doing an incredible job. Give yourself some credit. Don’t spend all day looking at the negatives. Write down the positives of this situation. When you start beating yourself up read out loud the positives you’ve already done. Keep adding to the list. As a new day passes, as 30 minutes go by where you haven’t thought of her, as you did something for yourself. Write it all down and soon you will see in an organized fashion you have a lot more going for you then you give yourself credit for.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

It really does feel like withdrawal--i can't sleep, i am obsessing about it, wondering about what they are doing.

I’ve been there. I seriously recommend getting a gym membership. Get on a treadmill, stairmaster or elliptical machine and just go. Just go until you can’t go anymore. Take a break for 10 or 15 minutes and start again. This will do a couple things. One it will get you to focus on something else for awhile(and trust me if your pushing yourself you will not focus on her), and two this will wear you out to the point you will sleep. Try it for a couple days and you’ll be sleeping like a baby.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

It does not seem to be getting any better. How long until this goes away?

While it varies for each person. Remember you’ve been kind of dragging this out for some time. So you’ve never really given your brain a chance to heal. Every time the feelings get really bad you contact her back. And that starts the cycle all over again. You and you alone have to end the cycle. And I’m here to tell you, you have the strength to do it. If you can’t see that in yourself, trust me enough to let you know that I can see it. Take it day by day, or hour by hour if you have too.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Like i said earlier, she will definitely call me when he leaves--so i have two more weeks to work up the willpower to not take her call.

Dude please don’t answer those calls. Please just let her go. You’ve got to worry about yourself now. She quit worrying about you along time ago. That’s her fault and her loss. But you have to put yourself ahead of her and everybody else. You have to really move beyond her and this situation. But give yourself some permission to take the time. Don’t beat yourself up because this is all new to you and this is in the early stages of loss. Let yourself work through it. In a year from now you’ll be living every day with out a thought of her. But you’ve got to give yourself permission to get to that point.

Run! Run for the hills!! Disappear forever.

This is blatant cheating. You will not ever get back together with her.

Find a GOOD women. This woman is a s bad as the come. No morals, no consideration, SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU, YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO TRUST HER. YOU ARE THE DOORMAT!!

You should HATE this woman. She's poision. She walks all over you and you let her. Move on - learn from this. Don't EVER be agreeable again.

You need to tell this women off one day. Tell her where to go.

Go to the gym and start working out. Go for a long run.

DON'T ANSWER THAT CALL!!