My H has a female friend that he knows from previous job for about 15 years. We have been married for 2.5 years now. When he told me that he was having lunch with her about 1.5 years ago I made a big deal of it, I was mad and told him I wasn't happy about it. He got really mad at me and ignored me for about a week until I gave in and said I overreacted and it was OK... but it wasn't I have an issue with it but I knew the only way I could get him "back" was to admit I was wrong. I know I have a problem with jealousy, I am a jealous person. Even when he spends time with his daughter I get mad... I know I am a terrible person, I am trying to change that, but I am obviously not succeeding. Because of my kids and his job we live separately now, I am in California he is in Arizona, we see each other every 2 or 3 weeks for a weekend, it sucks but doable. Last weekend I was visiting him and we had so much fun until Monday we met up for lunch then I would hit the road and go back to Cali. We went to subway and while we were in the line to order he told me that he invited that female friend for dinner and he went to her house to pick her up then he went on about her house till I interrupted him and said I didn't care. I should also say that I met her... nothing to be worry about, I mean I found her pretty annoying and stupid, because she had no idea what she was talking about, loud and childish, she is 44 but acts 15. She said to my H on the lunch we were having so Jo what wanted you to tell me you said on your email you wanted to tell me, and then my H said hummm can't remember then she said oh I am sorry maybe you don't want your wife to know about it. I found it pretty stupid thing to say because seriously she thought my H had something to say to her that he kept it secret from me?? Or she told me I was Just like the other girlfriends of my H... I mean who says that?? That's why I say she is stupid. My H says she is very naïve but I call it stupid, because it’s not naivety its just stupidity. Tell me if I am wrong. Anyway... when we sat down in the subway to eat I totally lost my appetite because I was so mad. I told him how dares she going out with my H and how dares he going on my back and ask another woman to dinner. Anyway few minutes later I was leaving him to go back to Cali. He hugged me and said he loved me and see me soon. While I was driving I was thinking about it and got more and more mad. I felt back stab and betrayed. Since then I just can not get over it. I feel he cheated on me. He knew I had a problem with it but still did it. I mean he told me that it was not a date and just 2 friends having dinner but I just don't buy it. One reason he knew I had a problem he having lunch with her then he goes and invite her to dinner... are you
F... ing kidding me. Now I am very hurt and feel like a looser, I feel she was laughing her butt off on my cost, that my H invites her for dinner etc, I just keep thinking he went and picked her up... probably open the car door for her too and paid for her dinner too, she sat on the front sit of his car... I am F... ing suppose to sit there. Anyway I told him how I felt about it he said way off and left it there. I don't know what to do or thing. Keep in mind I know I have jealousy problem. Any input will be appreciated, be honest

Wall of text = bad. Still, I read it.. .

Your jealousy is turning this into a competition when I do not think it is. She's known him for 15 years - she could have had your husband a long time ago if she wanted him. Since that didn't happen, I very much doubt that she's romantically interested in him.

15 years sounds like a genuine friendship. I mean, you don't pine after or hang around someone for that long for no other reason than enjoyment of their company, no?

With that said, there's always the Friends With Benefits possibility, but even if that were the case, there's not much you can do about that if he's denying. Still, I think the problem is all in your head, and you should probably work a little harder on those jealousy issues.

If you're that worried about it - befriend her. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

Thank you for your input, I know I have a problem. A big one. Thanks for taking time to respond, sorry I am not English speaker so I try to make sense in English. Problem is I can not take her more than 10 minuite, she is so hiper and says the stupidest thingins ever (at least that's what's I thing she dose)

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Originally Posted by madam1

thank you for your input, i know i have a problem. a big one. thanks for taking time to respond, sorry I am not English speaker so i try to make sence in English. problem is i can not take her more than 10 minuite, she is so hiper and says the stupidest thingins ever (at least thats whats i thing she dose)

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Well, you did all right for an ESL speaker. Paragraphs would make it much easier for people to read, though.

I do know what you mean about tolerating her in small doses.. . I know a lot of them. But clearly your husband can tolerate her, so I think it would be a good idea for you to just squash this jealousy thing until he gives you just cause to suspect his actions.

If you let it eat away at you, it's only going to get worse.

There isn't anything he can do about your jealousy issues. It is something that you have conquer by discovering why you feel the way you do. Are you in counseling? Does the jealousy extend to your own children?

I am less worried about the anoying friend than I am your reaction to his daughter. I am concerned that you are misplacing some of your anger from his relationship with her onto the friend because the friend is a safer target. I don't think you are a bad person. I just think you need more help than you have been getting in dealing with your feelings.

It is okay to calmly explain why you feel upset about his meeting the friend. However, you should also give him the same respect and listen to what he has to say. TOGETHER you should be able to set boundaries that work for both of you. Communication and compromise.

Is there any chance of the two of you living closer together in the near future?

Thank you for your respond. I have seen couple counselors in the last 2 years but none of them has been helping me conquering my jealousy issue.

I don’t have the same feelings towards my own kids. If my husband spends time with my daughter I don’t feel any jealousy but if he spends with his daughter I will get mad and upset. Of course I don’t show it but later it comes out some how, and I get mad at him just for the stupidest thing. He ends up being mad at me and ignoring me for days till I apologize for my behavior.

And you are right it is the build up from his daughter I put out on the friend, as you said because she is a safer target.

I feel that way towards all females in his life, even his mom. If he spends time with his son or male friends I have no problem.

My oldest sister got married when I was 12. Her marriage was the image of a marriage I had and still have in my head. She always fought with her H cause of his sister. So it stayed in my head that female in husbands life = bad.

Knowing that I still can’t get over it and tell myself that it is wrong and it doesn’t have to be that way and I can change it.

Like last night my H called and said he went to movies. I asked all along he said no with his daughter, and I know she watched the movie before. I was already annoyed. Why take her with again if she watched it before.

The thing is she gets lots of attention and the son hardly gets any. So I feel like she doesn’t deserve that much and he needs to spend time with his son too.

Of course I’m just saying that, because I will still get upset if also spend time with his son, if he spends any with the daughter anyway.

The future for us to live closer together is uncertain. He’s contract will finish in about 4 months but it might be renewed again for another 6 months.

I am trying to think of anything that might help. I know it isn't easy changing a negative thought into a positive one. However, can you see ANY positives in the attention and time he gives other females?

This may sound strange, but have you talked to your sister about her marriage and gotten her viewpoint of it. How we see things from the outside are not always how they really are or how they appear to those involved.

What is your relationship with the females in his family like? Have you tried getting close to them to make them part of your own family? Have you distanced yourself from them?

He has 2 moms, one biological one adopting. The adopting one doesn’t know anything about the bio one, so we go behind her back and have a relationship with her. None of them live close to us, so I don’t see them often. I have barley a relationship with any of them. To be honest I try not too. I rather isolate myself and just kick back in my own world. I know it seems that I have a depression problem too. I have been on pills for few years and have been off for 2 years now.

Both his moms are very nice people and they show me I am important to them and they respect me very much. So dose his daughter. To be honest his daughter is a little annoying. He and she (daughter) sometimes laugh at just the stupidest thing and she keeps going on and on and he keeps laughing at it. Like talking in a weird way, doing a deep voice and repeating funny movie lines loudly over and over. I don’t share that humor and I found it very annoying.

So no I’m not close to any female in his family.

Well the good thing about him having a relationship with his mom (bio one, he doesn’t care that much for his adopting mom) or his daughter is that it makes him happy. As a good wife I am suppose to want him be happy, and provide him with whatever that makes him happy, but I am selfish in that part and put my needs and jealousy before his happiness.

And no I never talked to my sister about her marriage. She is still married to the man and they seem happy. I will never bring it out to her; she will just shoot me down.

1)Try to be more supportive to others.
2)Try some yoga classes to control your anger and jealousy.
3)Discuss patiently the issues with your husband.
4)If possible go to the place where your husband is living. Leave your job and find a new job where he is. Long distance always creates problem so shorten the distance.By this you'll get to know each other better .
5)Your relationship will be in danger if you keep hating his daughter. If would have done same to your children then?You can get help from some yoga /spiritual classes too.

You are doing a self destruction ,please realize this before its too late, if you are ready to help yourself then only anyone else help you,but it seems you're not doing too much to help. You cannot go on forever like this so lady be brave and tell yourself I can conquer myself.
All the best. God bless you.

How can I make my husband stop annoying me?

We have been married for 2 years and 8 months. He has annoying habits and I don’t know how to make him stop.

Like early morning about 7am Saturday morning he wakes up get a cold bottle of water and put the water against my warm body while I’m still sleeping, I jump up and yell at him. He gets mad at me and leaves the bed!! Seriously, are you out of your mind!! I mean who would like to get a cold bottle of water on there body while they are sleeping? After talking about it he said because you were hot flashing before so I thought it would help you cool down.

Maybe it sounds sweet, but it is not. He should know that it doesn’t work like that and I don’t think anybody would like that. So it’s just stupid to assume.

Besides he knows that I do not like to be surprised with something cold on my body. He used to put he’s licked cold spoon on my body when we were watching a movie or something.

He likes pudding and every evening he treats himself with one. After he finished he’s pudding all of a sudden out of the blue he would put the cold spoon on my shoulder or back. That made me jump and my “buzz” was killed. First couple times I asked him to not to that because I didn’t like it. He kept doing it. Then I yelled at him, he got mad at me because he didn’t deserve it and we ended up fighting and me apologizing.


He is so damn good at that. Even I know I am right, he makes so many comments and brings up so many facts that I end up being the bad guy and have to apologize.

Any way I had to tell him in many different ways till finally stop the spoon habit. He still dose it, sometimes though but not that often.

So he knows I don’t like that kind of surprises, but still dose it!!

Another annoying thing he dose is, when I am serious and talk to him in a romantic way because I feel like it, he makes stupid faces and makes fun. That makes me irritated too. Like I want him to take the compliment and compliment me back, instead he makes face and makes me mad.

Another thing is he almost never tells me he loves me. He gets me a card that says he loves me and how happy he is to have me in his life, etc but never use the words. I told him many times that a woman needs to hear those words once in a while like a guy wants to hear his woman is proud of him. But I still don’t get to hear, and when I give him those words like telling him how I feel our marriage is growing and we are a good team and I am so happy to be his wife etc, he makes stupid face and says this old thing! Or just smiles and changes the subject.

He needs to grow up and start acting his age. Have a serious talk with him and tell him to stop.
If he gets mad too bad.

He's acting like a five year old.

You need a better sense of humor, and more patience, as it takes decades of constant loving training, before us guys get what your trying to teach us.

Its frustrating I know, because my wife still gets mad when I don't take the garbage out the right way, and still threatens me when I leave the lid up, but geeez, who can remember all those instructions ALL the time.

Have mercy ladies, on our five year old souls!! :eek::confused::D

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You need a better sense of humor, and more patience, as it takes decades of constant loving training, before us guys get what your trying to teach us.

Its frustrating I know, because my wife still gets mad when I don't take the garbage out the right way, and still threatens me when I leave the lid up, but geeez, who can remember all those instructions ALL the time.

Have mercy ladies, on our five year old souls!!!:eek::confused::D

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It's easier to train a husband when you live in the same house he does. :)

madam, have you talk with him? Does he do some of these things to try to irritate you because he feels irritated for some reason?

Was he this way when you were dating? Do you joke around with him at other times just having fun? Have you tried re-directing his sense of humor into a form you can handle or do you get mad and start acting like a third mother?

My husband spends money we don’t have

In our house hold I’m the finance responsible one. When we got married almost 3 years ago, my husband was in big debt. He’s credit score was 500. I helped him clean up his credit record by paying his medical bills from my own pocket. Then I took over the finances since he suck at it. I shopped very carefully and spent as little as possible. He is the main provider in our home.

From previous marriage he has a daughter and a son. We just finished paying child support to his xwife. Because of circumstances I moved to Cali to live with my daughter. When we got married I moved to AZ with my youngest and left my oldest with my mom. After 2.5 years she couldn’t take it anymore and my husband told me to move back and get her out of my mom.

Before we got married we decided to move to Cali after his daughter graduated from high school. So I just moved a month earlier then that. Then my hub got a job offer for 6 months. The money was really good so we decided that he took the job and we live separate for the 6 months but visit each other as much as possible.

Now we are separated we have 2 rent to pay etc. I have a job but don’t even pay the rent. He helps me to pay the rent. But he spends a lot on unnecessary things. Last week I told him not to spend any money from our share bank account because I already sent out checks for his car payment and IRS money he owed from 4 years ago, and use credit card if he needed anything.

I log in today and see we have only 180 left and car payment is not paid yet which are 400. Then I see he spend 66 on chocolates, 30 on records etc. totally unnecessary stuff. I told him this and also that I don’t even have shirts to wear to work and I’m just wearing the girl’s old shirts and he spends on these in these kind of things we don’t need.

Also last week he was visiting, went to Ventura and just walked around and spent time together, he spent 17 dollars on a statue for his daughter, not to mention he always gets something for her where ever we go. No other of our kids always gets something but she dose. I told him that’s expensive for a tiny statue. He gave me a sour look and said I’m getting this for her!! Like shut up

Now he is mad at me because I told him he spends money we don’t have and I’m annoyed.

How can I make him to understand?

Being you need his cooperation and understanding to make any changes... I suggest counseling. He needs to understand and see what he is doing before he will make changes he needs to.

It's obvious that he doesn't understand finances. You might start by telling him you need X dollars just to cover the bills, which leaves only X dollars for extras.

Take out the money you have to have to meet the bills immediately after he deposits it and open another checking account for bills only. Get only one card and checks for that account so you can pay bills with it. Don't let him have access to the "bills only" checking account.

Then keep your current checking account active but only leave the money for the extras in it?

IF he really cares about your situation as a couple and doesn't want to end up living check to check he should understand. If he doesn't some counseling might help.