My girlfriend was with a married man for couple of months before we met. During this period, she also lost her virginity to this guy.

We met for the first time about a year ago and started dating about 5 months later. Well she lost her virginity within this 5 month time frame and slept with this married for a couple of more times without anyone knowing, not even her very close friends. She said she was very ashamed of it and didn't know how to end it.

Now I came into the picture. After meeting her the first time, we didn't see each other until after they already started doing the sex thing.

One month into the relationship, she told me about this. And after constant pressure from me, you opened up telling me she was still receiving calls from this guy but never saw him. I didn't believe that.

I love this girl. She has good manners and a good heart. But I let this slide that mistakenly she slept with this married man, although she told him she wouldn't sleep with him anymore.

This guy kept calling and she then told me. I asked her to tell him at first, one month after being into the relationship that she has a boyfriend and she couldn't. She started crying that she doesn't want to make him feel bad because he did her no wrong. That was a deep blow to my ego but I am naturally the patient type and I just took my time.

A month later they were still talking and one day, I just told her to make a choice. Me or him? Otherwise, it would be over. She had no option but to call this guy and tell him she's got a boyfriend and not to call her anymore.

I knew he was going to call back. So I told her if he calls back she should let me know. She agreed.

4 months later he called her again couple of times but she said she didn't pick until when he left a voice message, she called back. Saying she wanted to know why he was still calling. And they talked for 30 minutes about nothing.

Now a month later, he called again and was asking about me. And ask if she might want to go for coffee and they talked for 30 minutes.

She never told me that any of the above occurred until I pressured and only after she thought I knew did she tell me. I almost broke up with her and she cried telling me that was why she was scared to tell me because she was scared I would leave her. She said they never met and nothing happened.

Now, I am confused. Is this ever going to end? She's 23 but seems not to have a strong resolve. Does losing your virginity to someone make it harder to cut ties?

I love this girl and would love to marry her. But this is scary? What is happening here? Can anyone advise please? She's my first girlfriend although I've had my fair share of swings when I was in college.

Thanks.

Its been my experience that if they will cheat once, they will cheat again, but its not always that way. Love is blind and sometimes we can't see what is staring us in the face, so I will say this, be a man and put your foot down. Ask her not to ever speak to him again, and tell her if he continues to harass her that she is to warn him if he ever calls again that (you) her boyfriend is going to contact his wife and the police dept. and if that doesn't work have her contact the police and file a harassment charge, that will keep him away. If she fails to comply then she wants him around and I would dump her like a bad habbit.

She does not have to take his phone calls or answer them. So she must not have enough resolve yet (just as have mentioned). I know that may sound harsh but she is still attracted to him and she does not want to lose you either - or else she would be up front about all the things when they happen - and those things would not be happening.

And SHAME on this married schmuck who continues to go after her. He really has no respect for her. He has no respect for his wife or the marriage.

If you can step back, take a break, and get some focus without this drama going on around you. You do not have to give an ultimatum to her but just explain that this is too much right now. When she is ready to have someone who appreciates her honestly and truly, then you will be willing to talk. Right now the onus is on her. She decides which way she is going to go. But you know something? How long do you want to stick around?
By your own words this sordid business with this married man has gone on long far past it's time.

My last word though - when you said to her at first about dumping this guy or face losing you, and she told that guy to not call anymore. When it started up again, was when you should have walked out. I don't want to be hardcase about this but life needs to go on, not just on and on and on.

Good luck to you. If the two of you would go to counseling about this and worked through her weakness - she could learn to develop a backbone about this guy and you could learn that enabling someone to repeat harmful behavior is not love.

The married man wants a spare.
She isn't over him and you are being played.

Dude... she was with a MARRIED man, SHE had sex with a man who was married, not separated... not divorced... MARRIED... think about that for a second... You went as far as to say you'd love to marry her... a person who's had sex with a man while he was married to another woman... I'm sure she could be very sweet and all the things you say, but ummm, wheres the morality? Whether she lost her virginity to this guy or not is irrelevant... she hasn't cut contact with him after all this time, who's to say she ever will? I had flash backs of those scenes in "Casino" where Sharon Stones ex-boyfriend keeps calling her and hiding it from Robert De Niro while reading this... It just seems to damn shady to me... I wouldn't be able to be with her after knowing that stuff to be honest... Some things are better not to know about in the first place...

The married man is NOT going to leave his wife. Your girlfriend is not going to let him go.

She also wants to hold on to you.
She had an affair with a MARRIED MAN. What if you marry her? Do you think she'll give him up?

Thanks for your responses. This is a very tight situation for me because I have met her parents and all her friends and family. This is a serious relationship for us but she has some weaknesses which I am aware of and right now, it's that weakness that's causing us trouble.

She just can't say no to people. She always wants to help people. Well, that was why I fell for her in the first place since I am almost that way. But I know my limits. Experience has taught me to know when to say "NO"!

Now, If this can end, I will move on nicely. In fact, we were suppose to move in together when she's done with her medical degree since I am currently working in a different city just 1hr away by flight.

If anyone has experience with matters of the sort, please do share. How do I know if it's ever going to end?

She told me she has called the guy again and screamed to him never to call him again. And that she'll tell me should he call again.

Now what if he calls and she keeps it secret? How would I know? I trusted her completely but now I am finding it difficult to.

Hooking up with girls has never been a problem but this is the first lady I ever had a strong heart connection with and because of this, I am for the first time worried over a girl (well, someone I already told people I would be engaged with soon). I just want to lead a normal life and all those college stuff should be a past.

Please share your advice, experiences and opinions.

Have a talk with the married guy. Let her know you plan on doing this. If she's really over him she won't object.

Call him and tell him if he ever calls your girlfriend again, you will tell his wife. As I suggested tell your girlfriend what you plan on doing.

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Originally Posted by KansasCity

Its been my experience that if they will cheat once, they will cheat again, but its not always that way. Love is blind and sometimes we can't see what is staring us in the face, so I will say this, be a man and put your foot down. Ask her not to ever speak to him again, and tell her if he continues to harass her that she is to warn him if he ever calls again that (you) her boyfriend is going to contact his wife and the police dept., and if that doesnt work have her contact the police and file a harassment charge, that will keep him away. If she fails to comply then she wants him around and I would dump her like a bad habbit.

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She didn't cheat, KC.

opcomm, what she did before you came into the picture is none of your business. You have to accept her for who she is now, and deal with her past. As far as the guy still calling her, she has to severe all ties with him. But that is her call on when that happens. She isn't still seeing him, and that's a start.

She was seduced by a married man. And for that he should be ashamed, not her. If you love this girl, then work with her to get over this guy.

You obviously have lost respect for her. Can you ever get past her mistake?

I think this is jealousy, eating away at you.

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Originally Posted by opcomm

Thanks for your responses. This is a very tight situation for me because I have met her parents and all her friends and family. This is a serious relationship for us but she has some weaknesses which I am aware of and right now, it's that weakness that's causing us trouble.

She just can't say no to people. She always wants to help people. Well, that was why I fell for her in the first place since I am almost that way. But I know my limits. Experience has taught me to know when to say "NO"!!

Now, If this can end, I will move on nicely. In fact, we were suppose to move in together when she's done with her medical degree since I am currently working in a different city just 1hr away by flight.

If anyone has experience with matters of the sort, please do share. How do I know if it's ever going to end?

She told me she has called the guy again and screamed to him never to call him again. And that she'll tell me should he call again.

Now what if he calls and she keeps it secret? How would I know? I trusted her completely but now I am finding it difficult to.

Hooking up with girls has never been a problem but this is the first lady I ever had a strong heart connection with and because of this, I am for the first time worried over a girl (well, someone I already told people I would be engaged with soon). I just want to lead a normal life and all those college stuff should be a past.

Please share your advice, experiences and opinions.

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I think you should not let a past mistake she made dictate the tone of your present and future relationship with this girl.

So far, she hasn't cheated on you to your knowledge, and that's a plus in my book if sex with others is a no-no.

It's also a plus that you know her flaws and weaknesses so early in the game (which we ALL have), and it seems you're willing to help work through them with her.

If what you really need from her is a total break from this guy, then let her know that's what you need, and let her know that you're willing to help her make that happen if that's what she needs.

It's hard to tell since the story so far is only from your POV, but if this guy is a friend of hers and she's not willing to cut all ties with him, then you just might have to let her go if you can't accept that.

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Originally Posted by jmjoseph

She didn't cheat, KC.

She was seduced by a married man. And for that he should be ashamed, not her. If you love this girl, then work with her to get over this guy.

You obviously have lost respect for her. Can you ever get past her mistake?

I think this is jealousy, eating away at you.

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I understand this. Her past is none of my business. But we started seeing each other when this stuff was still going on. And at the time, we had not officially started dating and I wasn't aware of it. When we started dating, she was still talking to him. And some how, she told me after inquiries as how things were happening.

After dating for close to two months and seeing her for about two months before that, I asked her to tell him that she now has a boyfriend. I wasn't against him calling her at that point. But she said she couldn't because she didn't want him to think she doing the same thing he was doing (meaning, being in a relationship and having an affair). At that point, I was skeptical bu from here nature, I understood she was scared of hurting him. She just isn't that type.

A month later, when this guy kept calling, I asked her it's time or else that could be the end. Then she told me she told him to stop calling her that she had a boyfriend. I asked her to tell me whenever he calls. And she said she would.

Four months later, the call started again and they talked and she never told me. He tried persuading her to add him on face book again when he deleted her when she said she shouldn't call her again.

I would have been less concerned if she had told me they were still talking and then looked for ways to end it. But she never told me. I asked her before and she said no, there were no calls. But when she realized probably I knew, that was when she opened up.

I wouldn't say I am jealous but the trust is rusting away.

At this point, she said she's screamed loudly at him not to call her again. I hope he doesn't and if he does, she tells me. But how am I sure she will? That's my problem.

I was trying to ask if people have similar experiences or have heard similar stories.

And that is what I am expecting and opinions on ways to tackle this.

Thanks to all who have responded.

The word trust has been mentioned many times and that is the critical core. I would have a tough time too in trusting the one I love, wondering what was going on behind my back, and if the truth was the truth.

I've fallen for those things and have felt like the supreme fool for always believing in the ultimate goodness of the person I loved. But experience has taught me that once the pattern is established - it is highly unlikely to change, unless there is a major crisis that brings it down and what is left is pain and loss.

Now some couples can work through problems and come out better. But it takes more than words. One of the posters said that she is not cheating on you. Physically, perhaps not. But emotionally, yes she is. And she is hurting herself.

You mentioned this guy's wife. I would almost bet that he has done this before and it would not be news to his wife. Unless he is very good at masking the truth with her. Telling the wife would be an option - do you want to get that messy? Telling the wife would bring about a definite change.

If you were my son; I'd tell you to keep your options open, keep this relationship more casual than serious, if you are sexually intimate please wear protection, keep a clear head, and don't forget your way home.

Take care.

RED FLAG You will never forget your first, but what she is doing is wrong. You should cut her off cold turkey. She won't stop, she likes the enjoyment and knows she can jerk you around like a puppet. I know that sounds harsh but I am a girl who has a friend, who would do similar things. You may love her now doubt, but if it is not meant to be it is not meant to be.


Also you should not condone that type of behavior. How would you feel if your wife was doing that to you.

You are in way to deep. And I suspect you are more a rebound for her than a life partner.

While what she did in the past is not your business, what she does now is, but how do you expect a female to jump so quickly from one guy(her first) to another without a lot of time in between to get over her first? That's a bit unreasonable, and I think you're her transition from a failed affair.

Its been my experience to back away from those that have just dumped someone, or been dumped, because they are easy to latch on to because they need someone to be there for them while they do heal, and once they do, they look elsewhere, and are ready to leave the one that got them through a tough time.

Another thing to remember is that even though you have the title of boyfriend, and are hyped on future plans with her, and she is going along, its obvious she still hold a special place for the ex, and cannot cut him loose yet.

Until she does this on her own, without you pushing, she is not ready to be a good partner to anyone. Take heed fella, she ain't ready for just the two of you, and may never be, but you have enough facts about her to back off to a safe emotional distance, and let her handle her business, and grow and learn, and unpack her own baggage.

I would be exploring other options and opportunities without giving my heart and future to someone that can't handle her own business, doesn't know how, or doesn't want to right now.

She may have potential, and you may have feelings, but that's hardly enough to build a happy, healthy adult relationship with someone who just needs a lot of time to get her act together, to be happy and healthy herself.

Classic case of rebound, on her part.

It is a huge red flag that you feel the need to pressure or coerce her into telling you anything or doing anything. It almost sounds like a parent trying to get his child to admit she stole a cookie. That does not sound like a healthy or stable basis for an adult relationship.

As Tal said, she slid from one relationship to another with no time for getting over the past relationship. She needs time on her own to decide what she wants without having someone 'forcing'/'coercing' her to do what he wants.

I think you need to let her go. Let go of your own baggage and heal. Then when you are ready, find someone who you trust and respect and can be a partner to instead of a parent. This woman does not appear to be partner material for you. Even if she cut all ties and communications with the ex, I have a feeling you would still be looking for signs and applying pressure out of habit and insecurity.

OK, we know that she doesn't respect the institution of marriage.
If she did, she would have left when she found out he was married.

Love shouldn't be this hard. It should just flow.