Ask Me Help Desk - How much sexual frustration is a red flag?

I (27 years old) have been with my fiancé (26 ears old) for 2 years, engaged for 4 months. The story goes that we decided to stop having sex in order to preserve what we could have the religious health of our relationship after our first two months of dating. Previous to this we had sex w/ each other only a handful of times, and each had partners in the past. Slowly, I am becoming more and more frustrated with the lack of intimacy in our relationship. We only drew a boundary at not having sex. However, she does not like to kiss w/ tongue or have any intimate touching. The most physical contact we have is laying next to each other on the couch watching TV. I have discussed this with her about 3 times during which she explained that she doesn't like making out and thinks that intimate touching is somewhat bad from a religious standpoint. I agree with abstinence being a good thing in the relationship before marriage despite my past. However, I struggle with it on a daily basis. She, on the other hand, does not, and clearly does not have a problem with our complete lack of intimacy. I am worried that my frustrations with lack of intimacy will continue past our wedding date. They have just recently caused me to start becoming cynical toward her. Her sex drive may be something that will never change, but I want to at least try to make things better. I could use some help figuring out some things that might work.

You set a very bad precedent when you made the decisions about not having sex. You are both too old for this tomfoolery, jeffthatcher. Her approach shows lack of maturity. At her age I am surprised.

I can actually understand this whole viewpoint coming from an l8 year old female.

You two have to get this sex thing straightened out before the wedding; she has to understand that a healthy intimate relationship is tantamount to a happy married life.

You couldn't possibly carry on a married life with her like this; and if she feels this way now, she will feel that way after. You have to read her the riot act.

Tick

Religion and relationships always make for some interesting conversations and interesting situations.

I am not religious in any sense of the word, but I do know a little about it. I am assuming that this is a Christian Union of some variety.

Not having sex for the religious health of your relationship, according to what I know of you faith, is complete and utter bull-pucky at this point. You've already done the deed, you have already sinned and neither of you are going to virgins on your wedding day. There is probably another reason for her to be denying you, but this is a convenient reason because you can't really dispute it because then you look like you're denying the faith.

It is also unfair to you for her to give you sexual favours for two months and than nothing for two years. Bait and switch eh? So you need to sit her down and talk to her. Try as much as possible to keep faith out of it. Talk about your feelings and your desires.

As Tick said, you need to work this out before the wedding because if you don't... divorce is going to be the only route and trust me they're not fun.

So I might be wrong, and I fully admit it, on the faith and religion aspect of this situation, but you need to figure out the relationship and quickly.

Hello j:

Let me boil it down. Anytime you mix sex with religion, you're asking for trouble.

excon

Have you spoken to your clergyperson about this?

I mean, if it's religious reasons, you should be comfortable enough to talk to a religious leader/counselor about the whole situation--and so should she.

If it's NOT religious reasons--or if you don't have a church/synagogue/mosque/circle/whatever to go to--well, someone's making excuses for other shortfalls in the relationship.

How do you know she doesn't struggle with it on a daily basis? Just because she isn't teasing you or getting into mutual masturbation or oral sex games doesn't mean that she isn't wanting to have sex.

It sounds like she at least understands that 'intimate touching' is sex unlike so many who seem to think that vaginal intercourse is the only form of sex there is.

Obviously the relationship was like this before you became engaged so I have to wonder why you proposed or accepted if this is such a big problem for you? I am wondering if you proposed to her with the idea it would change the 'bargain'.

Sorry but I just don't get the idea of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. Whose idea was this, yours or hers?

To decide not to continue with a sexual relationship after you are already into one seems strange.

Where were the religious standards when you started to have sex? And why invoke them now.

I think you need to spend some time communicating about this and how it is affecting you, and her.

Don't assume anything, find out how she feels from her own words then proceed .

Quote:

Originally Posted by martinizing2

Where were the religious standards when you started to have sex? And why invoke them now.?

It was 'invoked' two months into their relationship.

The resounding response sounds like chatting w/ her about the issue is the best thing to start with. I tried this, the first time about 2 months ago, and the second time last night. I find that infrequently she does feel like being intimate, but "finds ways to deal with these feelings." I knew about these feeling since the first time I asked. Anyway, I am lost on the situation because talking about it only leads to argument. I really thought that moving away from sex in a relationship before marriage would help boost our relationship to a deeper level. I never expected to feel like I am in an endurance race to marriage for some physical attention...

This is a good point:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

It sounds like she at least understands that 'intimate touching' is sex unlike so many who seem to think that vaginal intercourse is the only form of sex there is.

When I agreed to stop having sex I didn't think that it included acts other than intercourse, making Cat1864's comment an important point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeffthatcher

I really thought that moving away from sex in a relationship before marriage would help boost our relationship to a deeper level. I never expected to feel like I am in an endurance race to marriage for some physical attention...

Since the abstaining began so early in your relationship, what did you expect and did you discuss expectations with her? If you hadn't abstained, where do you think your relationship would be right now based on prior sexually active relationships?

Have you set a date for the wedding?

Abstaining from sex (any or all) doesn't automatically take a relationship to a deeper/higher level. It still takes all of the hard work, patience, understanding, and the big two-Communication and Compromise-that a sexually based relationship takes. It sounds like you (both of you) need to work on communication and compromise.

A discussion about sex or lack of it should not be allowed to devolve into an argument. You should both be able to sit down and talk with each other about your feelings without feeling shut out or shut down. How have you approached the subject with her? As a discussion or a confrontation? Have you allowed your frustration to dictate your response or have you listened to what she has had to say without trying to coerce her into your way of thinking? Is she reacting to the topic out of her own frustrations and self-denial or becoming defensive because she is beginning to feel attacked or under siege?

How much of your frustration comes from wanting her to take care of your needs instead of you finding ways to deal with the tension on your own?

Here's a possible compromise. Ask her if she would write down her fantasies/thoughts about what she wants to do with you after marriage and then you get to read them in private. It let's you know that she is thinking about a sexual relationship in the future without crossing the sexual acts boundary line.