I have been dating a guy for about a year and a half. We are both in our mid 50s. When we first started dating, we had sex frequently. About six months into the relationship, his desire seemed to decrease and our sex life has gradually decreased to nothing. We have had sex three times this year. I am an attractive lady, I dress very well and keep myself looking attractive but I have had two children and I don't have the body of a 20 yr old. I still think I look better than most women my age.

I love this man but I am beginning to think that this is a deal breaker. When I bring it up he says I must have done something to make him not want sex although he can't remember what it was! He also says he never had any complaints in his other relationships. I live by myself, he lives in a house on his parent's property because he helps take care of his dad so we have plenty of opportunities, he just has no desire. I have tried sexy lingerie, perfume, toys, etc.

I feel so very undesirable, sad, unworthy, ugly... I don't want to feel this way. I also don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting my decision if I leave and end up alone.

The first thing to realize is that this isn't you. Not even a little bit. In the first part of the relationship both your sex drives are in full on bunny mode. Anywhere, any time. As the infatuation period of the relationship stays to die out and the sustaining committed period starts than the true sex drive starts to come forth.

So it would appear that you have miss-matched libidos. You're wanting it all the time while he is indifferent and might just have sex with you to satisfy your urges.

The reason why he seems so defensive about it might be because he is under the impression that, since he is a male, he needs to be ready and able to preform at a moments notice. He should be the mighty impregnator. He is embarrassed that he can't do that any more. It is shifting the blame really. He can't really preform, so he blames it on something imaginary that you did.

That is my take on what is going on here. So what should you do? Talk with him non-confrontationally. If you feel a fight coming on, calm down and walk away while telling him that you'll continue the conversation when tempers are lower. Figure out why his desire is so low. If it is you. Dump him because it won't get better.

If he has no excuse take him to the doctor for a full hormonal blood panel. Figure out if it is a physiological problem or a mental problem. He just might need some Viagra.

If he refuses to change anything then leave him. You'll find someone else. If you don't than at least you won't have this fellow playing mental games with you.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

This morning I tried to interest him in making love. All the time I am stroking him he talks about someone who has concert tickets they want to give away, finishing a project he had started and then got up and put his clothes on. I told him we had to talk and he brushed me off. I left and now he acts like nothing happened.

I think this is probably the end of our relationship. I feel he should at the very least want to talk about what is wrong.

I am very, very good to him. I do anything he asks of me, I pay his cell phone bill as he does not work in the summer, and I just feel used. So very sad

Have the discussion when you are out of bed and not trying to be intimate. Let him know that you miss the frequency you had before, (of course understanding that it is not unusual for the frequency to diminish a bit from the early days), you love to be with him, and you are concerned that he appears not to be interested anymore.

When you did have sex so far this year, were there any concerns regarding performance?
Was he involved or was it half-hearted?

Could there be any health issues? When did he last have a physical?

I did try to have a discussion when we were not in bed however he just does not seem to be concerned. He says its not that big a deal and that he does not see a problem with having sex once every six months.

He has no performance issues however he is easily distracted and does not really seem "into it". It almost seems to be a chore and not enjoyable.

He is very healthy but smokes pot on a daily basis and has for 30 years. He will not go to a doctor, I have mentioned before that he might have hormone problems but he is adamant that he won't see a physician.

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Originally Posted by numbersinger

I did try to have a discussion when we were not in bed however he just does not seem to be concerned. He says its not that big a deal and that he does not see a problem with having sex once every six months.

He has no performance issues however he is easily distracted and does not really seem "into it". It almost seems to be a chore and not enjoyable.

He is very healthy but smokes pot on a daily basis and has for 30 years. He will not go to a doctor, I have mentioned before that he might have hormone problems but he is adamant that he won't see a physician.

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You need to tell him again that it is a big deal to you. Somewhere there needs to be a compromise... a meeting in the middle. What is his response when you tell him you would like to have more sex with him? Have you discussed the option of a compromise... so that both of you are satisfied with that part of your relationship?

If he doesn't feel it is important enough simply because it is important to you, you may need to give some thought as to what your next move will be.

Wow! I am a 40ish female and have the same problem. Been together 5-10 yrs. Sex was off the chain in the beginning both in quantity, quality & length of time. Now off and on for the past approx 2 yrs, sex dwindles.Sometimes down to nothing or 1x weekly for about 10 minutes and then it seems its just out of obligation to me, his heart doesn't feel into it. Like it was his responsibility. Different times I have talked with him letting him know that I want/need it more than that and want him into it like it used to be... but he gets mad, it causes a big fight, then we don't talk to each other for days. I don't really feel that he wants to try to improve the situation. I have suggested herbal aphrodisiacs, but he got even more angry. Acting like all I was trying to do was to make him feel bad and he even accused me of being insatiable. This is a problem for me. Also, his ex cheated on him... so now because I bring this problem up, he probably thinks Im cheating on him too. (all I want is to fix our problem and have a quality experience once or twice a week) I don't see how a problem can be fixed, unless it's addressed. Outside of this problem we are great together. I never have cheated on him. We are engaged, not married. It makes me wonder whether we really need to be getting married and maybe even possibly ending the relationship if he doesn't get how important this is to me. I really don't like thinking that it could get down to once a month or even less in the future on a regular basis. Im over 40, by the way. Never really experienced this problem in this area with anyone else. I feel rejected, ugly and unattractive too because of it.

I know he has a lot of stress from work and is on an antidepressant... but it doesn't make sense to me because this has been the case since I met him on day 1. Yet it used to be absolutely wonderful for years! Some of the other posts this site make me wonder if maybe he is jerkin off to porn when Im not there. I only see him about 1-2 days a week.

I am just as frustrated as you are. I know the feeling of being driven crazy... but I love the guy. The hardest thing is trying to decide what to do about it. Live the rest of my life and possible ending up in a sexless marriage? Doesn't sound very fun. Leave now? When we have so much other stuff in common? I feel our relationship is only downhill from here, especially since we can't seem to communicate well about it and when I bring my needs to the table, he gets defensive, hurt and angry. I just don't know what else to do... Im also at my wits end.