Hello.
I have been married to my second husband for four years now. I have an older son who is now 9 years old from my previous marriage. I also have another little boy who just turned two and happily expecting my third child by January 2011. My husband has three kids from a prior marriage also. He has a 12 year old daughter, a 5 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. Our relationship has been a very bumpy one because for the longest time I doubted that he was only with me. I felt that he was having a relationship with the mother of his kids also. Time went on and it seemed to not be that way. Today for the first time since we have been together, his kids came to visit from Mexico. They are staying with us for two weeks. The whole situation is very awkward because the oldest keeps crying and calling her mom. The situation seemed to have gotten worse because she was talking about her mom in her room and my oldest son said that her mother's name was prohibited in this house. The girl felt worse and my husband got angry at me and my son and said that I better talk to him because he doesn't want to have to spank him or ground him. How can I make this situation work? The mother isn't so innocent herself. It wasn't until about a year ago that she stopped calling and sending him love messages and even calling me and telling me to leave him alone because I stold her kids father away. What do I do?

The 12 year old is playing you. Best way to deal with this is to build a relationship with the younger kids, leaving the eldest out, and let her come to you when she is ready.

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Originally Posted by Protoplasmica

The 12 year old is playing you. Best way to deal with this is to build a relationship with the younger kids, leaving the eldest out, and let her come to you when she is ready.

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Leave the 12 year old out? That's your advice? :mad:

She's 12! She's a kid! She's away from her mom, in a house where everything is different, woman she barely knows acting like a mother, kids she doesn't know well. Of course she's upset.

As for the son saying that the girls mothers name is not allowed to be spoken in your house. How dare he? That's here mother. She loves her mother, even if you think the woman has loads of faults, she's still the child's mother.

Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel?

Give her time, be patient, be loving, and try to make her feel included in the family. Tell your son that he should watch what he says, think how he would feel if someone said something like that to him.

It's only 2 weeks, surely you can make the effort to make this child feel welcome.

Trust me. I have been in the 12 year olds position. She wants her parents together, and she will do anything including playing with her fathers and stepmothers tenous relationship to get them together. Funny how the tears start now isn't it... and funny how the dad seems to be taking her daughters side... she knew this would happen. And if you do not get the other kids on your side the 12 year old will poison everybody against you.

Do you have the ages of his children correct?

Is this the first time he has seen his children in person in four years or has he (and you) gone to visit them in Mexico?

Not only do you have a (pre)pubescent child who is going through physical and hormonal changes, you have one who is in a DIFFERENT country staying with people she doesn't really know all that well. How have you attempted to help her feel like part of the family? What activities/time together do you have planned for father and daughter to bond over?

Your son crossed a line that you need to address. I am hoping that he was just parroting what he has heard and NOT trying to upset the girl because he isn't the oldest in the house right now. I would hope though that your son misunderstood and that the girl can freely discuss her mother without feeling like she is in the wrong.

As Altenweg said, be patient. Remember that they just got there and being tired from traveling can also play a part in heightened emotions. Be empathetic and make sure you treat ALL of the children fairly and equally as possible given ages and sexes.

Protoplasmica, I don't understand why you say 'funny how the tears just started... ' and that her father took her side for no reason? Should she have been crying all the way to her father's house? Should he have ignored his daughter feeling hurt by being told that she can't say her mother's name?