Can a person really continue on in a healthy relationship with someone they have been unfaithful to?

Is it really possible to cheat on someone while in a long-term relationship, and later become engaged to them and marry, and have a healthy marriage? Is it possible if the cheater never reveals that they cheated prior to the engagement, while they were clearly in a committed, long-term relationship? Won't the marriage always be tainted by the secrecy and the history of the cheating behavior? What kind of a person can live their life with that secret and say marriage vows to someone they KNOW they have betrayed?? BTW, the cheating involved months of texting, flirting, late night phone calls, and sex 1 x...

Coming clean will make you feel better than going into the marriage with a lie on the books. What if she finds out after the marriage, or even before?
Tell the truth and let her decide whether she wants to continue a relationship with you.
Was it you who cheated and if so, why did you?

If you come clean it will help your conscience, on another it might forever keep you guys apart. It all depends on the other person and how she is willing to cope. I Have seen it go both ways, but if you stay together the work you will have to put in the relationship to gain that trust again will be enormous.
If you love that person however you will do it

I read the op's post as if they had found out their partner had cheated,but it had not been admitted.

Could you clarify op.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

i read the op's post as if they had found out their partner had cheated,but it had not been admitted.

could you clarify op.

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Your take is correct. I wanted to ask the question to get an understanding of why and how a person would a--cheat; and b--how could they rationalize wanting to keep it a secret? I wanted to kind of generalize the question because I don't want to post too many specifics here, and really just need to understand what would drive a person to rationalize that it's OK to betray and continue betraying by wanting it all to be a secret. Is there hope in repairing that? I just keep thinking that he was seriously going to say wedding vows to me with that secret inside and it confuses and makes me feel ill. I don't understand it. Thanks...

There are many reasons someone would cheat and then justify it to themselves,mostly the only person who can answer that question is your boyfriend.

Couples can recover from cheating and go on to have very successful relationships.

I don't believe in the saying once a 'cheater always a cheater ',however the success of those relationships came from honesty and understanding why they cheated.

You have the burden of knowing your boyfriend cheated and is covering it up and lying to you.

He's not who he says he is,by that I mean,he has broken your trust,betrayed you and if he had sex with another women without a condom may have put your health/life at risk.

That is not an extreme statement,it is a very real truth.

The only way forward with this is to confront him,as hard as that may be,to marry him without an explanation of why he cheated will chip away at your marriage.

Can he make those vows,yes,if he can cheat and cover it up,put your relationship on the line,betray you,then yes,he can say the words,but while he's saying them what will you be thinking 'you sh!t you cheated on me" or 'thank god we got it sorted out,I love him'

Don't forget this is your relationship too,its your life and your decision as too how you will move forward.

For me,cheating is a deal breaker,it's a question for you to consider... is this how I want to start my married life,with a secret and broken trust.

Hi OP, I can see your point in what you're saying about your b/f cheating and not telling you.

Im not making excuses for what he's done, its wrong yes.

It could be he hasn't told you because it didn't mean anything to him, and that he feels ashamed of himself for what he's done, and also knows that if he comes clean with you and confesses all then he runs a huge risk of losing you.

Whilst its wrong it could be that he's realised what he stands to lose now and is hoping to keep his relationship with you by keeping it secret.

There could be several reasons he's not wanting to tell you.

Obviously as you know then you'll need to let him know of this and take it from there.

Couples have overcome one partner cheating, and lived happy lives together, but until you confront him with this and from that gauge his reactions, then you don't know if you can forgive him or not.

It won't be easy but it can be done. Only you though will be able to make that choice once you've spoken to him about it.

Some people don't care if they hurt other peoples feelings.

Some people don't mind living with an elephant in the room.

Some people will forgive themselves without confessing to the person they hurt. Making it "ok" to move on and act as if nothing happened.

Some people will do it to "get back" at the other person, justifying it by saying that the other person is mean to them and 'deserve' it.

There is too many outcomes as to why people do what they do. It will always remain a mystery.

I hope you're coping OK :)

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Originally Posted by Lucky098

I hope youre coping ok :)

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Thank you... the feedback is helping... hope it keeps coming :)