Hi,

I'm 30, so not naïve, but I have a real moral struggle that I need some advice on.

When I was 16, I met and fell in love with a guy of 18. Not my first boyfriend, but the first person I really loved. The relationship lasted 9 months, and he broke up with me, as he was going to University and wanted some freedom - he also said we were both too young to get involved. We both went to the same college and a week later, he started seeing someone else.

We broke all ties after he left college and I went on to live my life, although the thought of him always haunted me. I found out a few years ago he married the girl he met a week after me.

I was at a party recently and we ran into each other (13 years later). Since then, he has been emailing me, telling me he still feels so much for me and how sorry he is, and how much he regrets breaking up with me, and he wishes I was the one he was married to. He has asked me to meet up for a drink and talk, but I've been avoiding committing to it.

He has a baby of 10 months old, and I don't want to break up a family. But this man was my first love, and when I saw him, I realised how much I still love him.

Heart and head are having daily battles and I know I shouldn't get involved with a married man, but this man was my whole world, and I don't know if I have the strength just to walk away. Please help me.

Would you rather that your mate do the same thing to you? Imagine how crushed you would feel. You need to have no contact with this person. By saying he still has feelings for you and wanting to meet you on the side like that he is cheating on his wife AND child. Is that something you really want to participate in? This is one game you don't want to play.

Helena. It is obvious to me you are an educated woman. What do you want us to say here? Don't do it? Are you going to listen? Really?

The guy broke your freaking heart! AND, he is willing to break his wife's heart! You are in love with an image that you have idealized for 12+ years. The reality is, he is an A-1 scumbag who is thinking the grass is greener... When he realizes it isn't, he will dump you as he is now willing to dump his wife and 10 MONTH OLD CHILD.

Really girl. Get a grip. Find someone who doesn't have baggage that you can actually build a life with.

Has this helped you realize that you have to kick his no good butt to the curb? Hope so. Do it NOW.

Sheesh, grumble, grumble, grumble,.

You are holding on to a memory of what use to be. It will never be that way again.

Time has a way of making us forget the bad things about a person.

He is a very selfish man for saying this to you. He has a wife and a child.

The memory is always better than the real thing sometimes.

Thank you for the responses. My head is screaming how much you're all right. I don't want to be the person in the middle, I don't want to be responsible if breaking a marriage and I certainly do not want his 10 month old little girl growing up without her daddy.

I just wish someone could convince my heart to run like hell from this.

Thank you for the responses. My head is screaming how much you're all right. I don't want to be the person in the middle, I don't want to be responsible if breaking a marriage and I certainly do not want his 10 month old little girl growing up without her daddy.

I just wish someone could convince my heart to run like hell from this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by helena123

Thank you for the responses. My head is screaming how much you're all right. I don't want to be the person in the middle, I don't want to be responsible if breaking a marriage and I certainly do not want his 10 month old little girl growing up without her daddy.

I just wish someone could convince my heart to run like hell from this.

---

On this one listen to your head. If he does it to her he'll do it to you and I'll bet he's already had one or two girfriends. Don't do it. He is a player.

I could moralise and tell you not to poach on married turf, especially when there's a child involved, but you know that. So I'm going to suggest you think a bit deeper.

Strong feelings for long past loves are often more complicated than they appear. We may think we love the person but do we even know who they are now? People change. Often what we love is the memory, and not just of how they were, but of how we were, and how easy life was way back when.

Are you sure you aren't in love with the idea of what could have been rather than what is? Even if you are, what about him? Life with a young baby is tough. He wouldn't be the first person to wishfully want his youth and freedom back when the sleepless nights kick in. You may be just part and parcel of that.

Then if you 2 got together there's the guilt, on both sides. That can sour a relationship fast.

Also, a cheater often gets in the habit. He cheats on his wife with you. So you get to play the mistress. He naturally has his cake and eats it. All the special times you want to spend together such as christmas and holidays are reserved for the proper family. Or he leaves her for you. Then there's all the guilt and complications of the child. He ends up with you and reality kicks in again - so who is his next mistress going to be?

He hurt you in the past when he dumped you, and he went on to marry the next girl. Now you have a chance to steal him back perhaps. Are you sure some of this isn't about mending a bruised ego from the past?

So many reasons this isn't a good idea. If he doesn't really love his wife then that's for him to figure out alone. You should leave him to get on with his marriage.

You know what QLP, you're spot on here. I really don't think he's a player sexually, but definitely emotionally.
All I can think about it how it was back then- the reality is I've changed a hell if a lot in 13 years and so has he.

I'm not going to hurt so many people by pursuing this. I suppose the 'what ifs' should stay buried in the past where they belong.

Thank you all so much

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by helena123

You know what QLP, you're spot on here. I really don't think he's a player sexually, but definitely emotionally.
All i can think about it how it was back then- the reality is I've changed a hell if a lot in 13 years and so has he.

I'm not going to hurt so many people by pursuing this. I suppose the 'what ifs' should stay buried in the past where they belong.

Thank you all so much

---

I'm applauding you for having such a good head on your shoulders.
You also have a good heart. A lot of women wouldn't even think about the wife or baby. Bravo for you!:)

Just so you know, this isn't revenge or a damaged ego. I think all it was was feeling like I did at 16 again and it cut to the core.

Need to leave this one alone and carry on my life without the hassle!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by helena123

Just so you know, this isn't revenge or a damaged ego. I think all it was was feeling like I did at 16 again and it cut to the core.

Need to leave this one alone and carry on my life without the hassle!

---

I am so glad you worked it out. I think we all occaisionally come into contact with someone from the past who stirs things up and reminds us what it was like to be young and that can seem so appealing. I don't know what it is about our youth that we hanker for but now you recognise it for what it is you can free yourself to live in the here and now and value that. You sound like a lovely person and I wasn't suggesting otherwise, just wanted you to do a little soul-searching to see if you could get to the core of it.

If you aren't sure of where your moral compass is pointing, let me offer my opinion.

I'd get a new compass, your is not working right.

There is no excuse, I repeat- no excuse- that you can use to justify cheating, no matter if you feel like you want to rip your clothes off and do the monkey thing in the middle of the mall with him. You must restrain yourself, and think practically here.

What makes you think that 'life goes on' doesn't apply to you. You cannot live a healthy life with one foot in the past, and one in the present.

Growing up, regardless of how old you are, means quite literally growing up, and realizing that you just cannot have the luxury of going back in time, or re-living a dream or fantasy, or anything other than learning to let go of mistakes, errors in judgment, regrets, and what if's.

It sounds like you have a pretty good life now. Take a good long look at what you have, before you flush it down the toilet.

Helena.. I'm so glad you're not going to meet this guy. It shows you have respect for yourself and his family.


I think we all glimspe back at our high school days and think about the way things were.

You are doing the right thing and I have the upmost respect for you.