Can anyone help me get control over my life and emotions back?
I'm a twenty-six year old male. Currently seeking employment after having had a shoulder surgery back in early May. I've been in and out of therapy for the majority of my life, and have received a variety of diagnosis' ranging from simply ADHD to things such as Manic Depressive or Bi-polarism. Mother and Father divorced when I was twelve, but unlike most children I felt this to be a blessing as my father was emotionally and mentally abusive, and occasionally physically... but never sexually. I've been on a variety of medications over the years, Methylanphetimine(or something close to that), Riddilen(again I'm sure my spelling is off), Doxepin(I know that one is right), and I'm sure some others that I can't remember off the top of my head. I remember the methyl stuff made me extremely anxious and unable to be around groups of people, the riddilen I'm not sure, and the Doxepin gave me nearly uncontrollable urges to veer into oncoming traffic. I've used a variety of street drugs over the years. I've never done kedamine or heroine, but pretty much everything else, and am currently using only marijuana, with no desire to do any of the other street drugs from my past. I've been in more relationships than I can count, some less wonderful than others. My ex was a bad meth addict(said she had quit but I found out otherwise after only a few days, and toughed it out for a few months thinking she might actually change), and she ended up back in prison. Now I'm in a relationship with a woman in here mid-thirties with two children. Things are good between us and the kids and I get along. So there was some background information.
The issue I'm having is I keep having these, for lack of a better word, anxiety attacks where I feel like I'm about to get in a fight or something horrible is about to happen. The other big issue I'm having is I keep waking up in these horribly angry moods or despressed so bad I can't seem to shake it, and when I try to come up with solutions to my problems the only thing I can seem to think is that there are no more solutions and death is looking sweeter by the second because it seems like no matter what I still can't get things to be better in my head, even if they are in the real world.