How do I parent my 21 year old daughter, who has come back from a year studying abroad with ideas and values regarding sexuality, politics & recreational drug use that completely conflict with the values she was raised with. As hard as it is to accept these new ideas of hers, I still love her and want to see her finish school before she moves out of the house. But I can not accept her bringing these new friends home and exposing her younger sister to this lifestyle choice. I have always thought of myself as being an accepting person but for some reason I am having trouble accepting this with open arms. My daughter has one year of college left. Should I give in to this or should I hold my gound and not allow her to bring this into my home.

Your daughter is going to be who she is and your younger daughter will to, regardless of your intolerance for 'alternative lifestyles'. Love your children for who they are, for ultimately, you cannot control or change it.

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Originally Posted by ehart3006

How do I parent my 21 year old daughter??? Should I give in to this or should I hold my gound and not allow her to bring this into my home.

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Hello e:

You don't. She's an adult. Your job is done. If you want her as a friend, don't make preconditions on her friendship. If you want to "stand your ground", do it. But, everybody I've ever "stood my ground" with disappeared from my life never to be seen again. Do you want that?

excon

I think you have a right to decide who comes into your home; but your daughter is too old to be "parented", so if you do not like your daughter's lifestyle happening in your home, you will have to tell her she is not welcome, or at least her friends are not welcome. A pretty difficult thing to do, I guess.
If you accept her in your home, you have to accept her lifestyle and trust that your younger daughter is going to be OK with it. She probably will have no problems, even if she doesn't follow it herself.

I am English, and an Englishman's home is his castle, as they say. I have a right to decide who enters and who stays in my house, and I have to assume you agree with that. You have to make up your mind - a difficult choice I know - then apply it. Depending on what is your decision, your daughter may not like it but since she's an adult she will have to like it or lump it.

Always remind her of the core values she has been raised with. The fact you still hold these values holds weight. She will be reminded of the importance. This is called having faith in these beliefs.

Have a mother /daughter chat to her.

Explain that you know that she is her own person and is now an adult able to make her own decisions in life.

Tell her that you disagree with her values on drugs etc... but that you are sure that she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions on these matters.

I think you have to say that you cannot allow these issues of drugs etc.. To go on in the house in front of her sister and that you are sure that she doesn't want that either, so could she when at home not bring these things into the house as it is totally against what you believe ,fearing that it may influence her sister.

Unfortunately there is not an easy way of saying this, but I feel that it needs to be said, if it is not then I can for see lots of tension which will lead to huge arguments in the end.

Better to be upfront, rather than allowing a situation to develop.

Hi OP I can see your point, and understand why you feel as you do.

However, what your daughter becomes and the choices she makes are a direct reflection of how she was taught about life skills when growing up.

So her choices are made on that basis or mainly, you don't have to accept how she chooses to live her life and if you aren't happy with her choices, then you don't have to accept them, you could just tell her, if that's how you choose to live then that's fine however I am not agreeable to that lifestyle and would prefer you didn't bring it into this house.

Remind her drugs are illegal and she is not to bring them into your home.

Tell her what she's does whilst away from your home is her business but you aren't willing to condone those things so can she please accept this.

Let her know you still love her, but you're not willing to take risks of having your place raided for drugs etc.

With her choice of sexual preferences then you do need to try to accept that that's also her choice, and on this issue you will need to either accept it, or reject it.

This could all just be a phase she's going through and she could be totally different in a couple of years time. If it isn't then you'll have to either go for not having her around or let her find out that's its not a good way to live ( as in drug use) again it could just be she's experimenting with different areas of growing up.

If you forbid her from doing these things, you'll mostly push her more towards them, so try to keep your thoughts mainly to yourself, just let her know its her life she has to accept she's responsible.

You cannot shield your other daughter either, she will discover them regardless.

Good Luck and I hope this helps in some way...

The values you raise your children with may or may not be the values they choose to live by when they become adults, which your daughter is now.

As excon stated ,standing your ground can drive them away, which I agree with and have seen happen.

The drug use should not be allowed in your home or around the younger siblings , as an adult she should realize this without it being said , but if need be then do it.

As for the lifestyle, maybe if you showed some tolerance and met the people in her life it may lead to a more understanding attitude and make it easier to accept. You may try to understand her point of view, but remember ,tolerance is to tolerate , not necessarily like or accept it.
And the more knowledge you gain about it the better decisions you can make.

I wish you well.