Ask Me Help Desk - How to break out of my shell and feel okay to be myself?

So I've always had this problem with people; I'm never able to completely break free of my shell and be myself around them.

There's one friend that I have (I actually consider her not only my best friend, but my only real friend) that I can do that with. I've known her since elementary school, but we've been really close for 6 years.

I moved away 2 years ago, to live in Georgia, but she still lives in Michigan. I still talk to her 24/7, whether it's texting or on the phone, because she's basically like my sister, and I can't live without her. Haha. Anyway...

When I moved here, it took me months in school to finally talk to ANYONE. I was scared when people even looked at me, let alone ask me a question. And I'd always be really cold. I don't know why. Just kind of mean or overly sarcastic. That's just the way it came out. But that's sooo not me. I'm a fun-loving girl that loves to laugh and do silly things, but since I left my best friend, I just always feel depressed in the back of my mind, whether I can hide it some days or not, and I never feel comfortable around anyone.

I eventually got myself into this group of friends, after being put in a situation where I didn't want to look stupid eating lunch alone. So I made one friend, and then from her, I got to know like 5 or 6 other people.

I was happy about that, and then I realized that I really wanted to have a boyfriend. I jumped into a relationship with one of the guys (I really did like him, but I took things too fast because I was so excited about having friends now), and after 7 months together, we recently just broke up. I won't get into the details of our relationship because that's a whole other story, but.

Anyway, I alienated the other friends I made here when I dated him, and now since we broke up and he's moving to PA, I have nobody here again, and I feel like I have to start all over, like I did 7 months ago.

I have college coming up, but I'm so bad with social skills, that I'm afraid I'm going to make the same mistakes again. I'm going to throw myself into a group of people, not completely act myself (because for some reason it's like I don't know how), and end up losing everybody after something goes wrong.

I guess I'm impatient when it comes to making friends? I don't know. I just don't want to be the friendless smart kid (because I used to focus waaaayyyy too much on schoolwork, and all people would ever talk to me for would be homework answers. I thought making friends and de-maturing myself a little would get me to loosen up and be more accepted, and it did, but I still never felt myself like I did with my friend in MI.)

So, I guess what I'm asking for is... idk, tips on how to make friends the right way, and not let everything get out of control or feel pressured to act a certain way.

I also kind of have this fear of losing everyone I have good relationships with in my life, so I'm afraid to start again, especially after breaking up with my boyfriend.

This is all just the gist of what I'm going through, but I tried to throw it together quickly. Ish. Ask for details if needed, any advice is appreciated!

Thank you!

The easiest way to make friends is to go to social outings and events. You have to immerse yourself in social settings, whether it be clubs, church, class activities, whatever. You can't be afraid that someone may not agree with you are doesn't share your opinion, that's fine! No worries. Just be yourself and put yourself in situations that are naturally social in nature.

Have you ever seen the movie "Yes Man"? It is a pretty good idea for those that aren't very social. Say YES to every single invite you get... create opportunities for social interaction. This will involve putting yourself outside of your comfort zone, but that is exactly what you have to do sometimes. What sort of things do you like to do?

You can't expect others to be OK with who you are until you're OK with who you are.

That's good advice, kctiger! I usually do turn down a lot of invites because I'm afraid of being social, but then I always regret it, because then that person gives up on inviting me and I'm stuck by myself anyway!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristennicolee

That's good advice, kctiger! I usually do turn down a lot of invites because I'm afraid of being social, but then I always regret it, because then that person gives up on inviting me and I'm stuck by myself anyway!

Well there you go! You already know by the invites that you are someone people want to be around, so capitalize on it. Go, have fun, be yourself and soak it up! Just say yes!

Also, be yourself. Be proud that you are smart - don't hide that fact. It's easier to be the smart kid in college because the caliber of people is generally higher and many of the ones who didn't do well in high school don't go on to college.

I agree with KC about the social outings and events. Look around for clubs you might join. You'll meet people with similar interests. I always enjoyed getting involved in intramural sports - fun way to meet people. If you don't like sports, there are lots of other options.

Being social, and being socially active with all the skills that requires, can seem insurmountable to those of us that are shy. Yes, people here will raise eyebrows at that one, but, I was once a person who chose to be a wallflower, an would exit if anybody showed any interest whatsoever.

The hardest part I had to personally learn about myself was, nobody was going to change me, but me. I could stay the person I was, or I could change the person I was. The rest is history as they say.

Start small, and gradually work your way up. When you do meet a potential friend, don't be shy to ask them for their email address. Most situations will involve a little bit of a learning curve for both you, and the potential friend, so allow for an exchange of information. Nothing you feel uncomfortable about, just simple things, where you come from, where you're working, what classes you take, etc. Ask them about their lives in simple terms- how was your weekend, what did he/she think about so and so's lecture, etc.

Breaking the ice isn't easy, but the point is, you have to have a little bit of common ground and knowledge about another's personality, before you jump into social situations comfortably.

I like to think that people are essentially kind. If they are not interested in sharing simple bits of information, do not take it as an insult, it's nothing personal, they are the ones not ready to establish a relationship. Move on, there are many, many opportunities. Don't let the rejection or possible rejection scare you into sitting idle.

Think positive. Also think of what 'tools' are available to you right now. Is there a swim club, do you own a bike. I've met the nicest people just riding my bike and stopping at the beach, or in a park, and they are doing the same as I am.

Find yourself to be worthy, and capable of stepping outside your comfort zone, and learn that you can survive both the successes, and the failures.

Change is never easy. The first step is the hardest, once you get going, you will look back and say, "Yup, just needed a little push".

I was a military brat, and was constantly moving when I was a kid and teen. My mother gave me some of the best advice anyone could ever get.

RESPECT YOURSELF

Some times we all need to be reminded that self confidence is the key to happiness. It allows us to take control of our own lives, and not be consumed by the roles of others
Have given us in their lives.

As much as we want to be successful at every thing, no one really appreciates out efforts until we appreciate our own self worth.

The best way is to give up..

Yes hand up.. lose for yourself
No more fighting

You its all you got and with it you going to win life or at least enjoy it

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Being social, and being socially active with all the skills that requires, can seem insurmountable to those of us that are shy. Yes, people here will raise eyebrows at that one, but, I was once a person who chose to be a wallflower, an would exit if anybody showed any interest whatsoever.

The hardest part I had to personally learn about myself was, nobody was going to change me, but me. I could stay the person I was, or I could change the person I was. The rest is history as they say.

Start small, and gradually work your way up. When you do meet a potential friend, don't be shy to ask them for their email address. Most situations will involve a little bit of a learning curve for both you, and the potential friend, so allow for an exchange of information. Nothing you feel uncomfortable about, just simple things, where you come from, where you're working, what classes you take, etc. Ask them about their lives in simple terms- how was your weekend, what did he/she think about so and so's lecture, etc.

Breaking the ice isn't easy, but the point is, you have to have a little bit of common ground and knowledge about another's personality, before you jump into social situations comfortably.

I like to think that people are essentially kind. If they are not interested in sharing simple bits of information, do not take it as an insult, it's nothing personal, they are the ones not ready to establish a relationship. Move on, there are many, many opportunities. Don't let the rejection or possible rejection scare you into sitting idle.

Think positive. Also think of what 'tools' are available to you right now. Is there a swim club, do you own a bike. I've met the nicest people just riding my bike and stopping at the beach, or in a park, and they are doing the same as I am.

Find yourself to be worthy, and capable of stepping outside your comfort zone, and learn that you can survive both the successes, and the failures.

Change is never easy. The first step is the hardest, once you get going, you will look back and say, "Yup, just needed a little push".

You should print this and read it every morning.