Ask Me Help Desk - How to Deal With Intolerant Parents

How to Deal With Intolerant Parents

My religious views are agnostic. I've caught a lot of flak for that over the years, but that's what I believe.

My problem is this: Though I am an adult and going to college, I still live in my parents' house, and they REFUSE to accept that I am not a Christian. They have even gone so far as to say that they will throw me out if I do not "come around."

I've tried the responsible approach. I've tried to sit down and talk with them on several occasions. I've said things like "I think everyone should be entitled to their own personal beliefs." and "I respect your religious beliefs, but feel uncomfortable when you try to push those beliefs on me." They will hear absolutely none of it. I am to be a Christian or not live in their house. End of story as far as they are concerned.

Some of you may say "Move out. Support yourself." However, not living in their house is synonymous with them refusing to help pay for my college. Yes, I could support myself. I could get an apartment with some of my friends near my college and job. But, I would find it extremely difficult to manage this AND pay for my college 100% by myself.

Any thoughts?

Fake it. :)

Seriously though, you will run into a lot of people in your life who are intolerant of your beliefs. Get used to it. And I'm not kidding when I say fake it. If it makes them happy to think you are one of god's lemmings... let them be happy.

For the most part, I agree with stevetcg. The hard part, though, is balancing dealing with them and relying on them.

I am a Christian and a father of 6. 2 of my kids are at an age where they could have their own place but they live in my home.

To live in my home they need to
a) attend Mass every Sunday with the family,
b) be home by 2am when they go out to do the various things that they do, and
c) do a few things around the house to help us.

Pretty easy stuff, really. If they decide, at some point, that those things are too much for them then they have the option of moving out and getting their own place to live.

I know that I have not really given you an "answer" to your issues, but I hope that you will consider them.

I think that what steve and I are saying is that you have to "play the game" while you are "under their wing".

The bottom line, in my opinion: Do NOT fake a profession to their faith until and unless you truly believe it. Work with them as long as you can and if and when things become unbearable, then move out. There are lots of financial aid opportunities out there for you to take advantage of on your own.

RickJ, that was extremely helpful.

I have no qualms with attending mass. Even though I do not personally believe the religion that is being preached, the morals and life lessons taught there are universal.

You told me not to fake a profession to their faith. I agree. Furthermore, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do so. I make no secret of my religious beliefs to anybody, because I am not ashamed of them. This includes my parents. I can't pretend to be something that I'm not.

Once again, thank you both for your kind words and your advice.

If I were you, I would learn as much as possible about your parents' faith and doctrines -- and about other Christian denominations... and the Jewish religion... and Islam... and Hinduism... and Buddhism... and so on. Books in the 200s in your local public library are waiting for you.

Meanwhile, as long as you live under your parents' roof and partake of their money for college, go along with them. What can it hurt?

I have. I've read the Bible, the Koran, the works of Confucius, and the Veda. Some more than once. I am pretty well versed in the major religions of the world.

You ask what it can hurt... well that depends on what you mean by go along with them. If you mean going to mass, then no, it can't hurt. If you mean pretending to believe something that I do not; pretending to be something that I am not... well that can hurt quite a lot actually.

I hear you Deathlywhiterose. Play along best you can but don't lie. Don't pretend to believe something that you do not.

You're in a tough spot, I see that. I will pray, wish and hope that you will keep an open mind and make good decisions based on love and respect for your parents.

Thank you. I could not ask for more.

You are welcome. I wish I could offer more.

If it helps to know: I and may others are praying for you and wishing the best for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deathlywhiterose

pretending to be something that I am not... well that can hurt quite a lot actually.

No, not that -- not pretending. They already know where you are coming from. I would think they would love you even more for the way you honor them while you live under their roof.

(P.S. I have a friend who was atheist -- rabidly so -- but who, as he grew older, became agnostic, then Deist, and then Christian. It was interesting to watch his transition.

RickJ, it does help to know that. Thank you. Despite the fact that I am not a Christian, I do believe there is a God. And I do believe that your prayers will be heard. So yes, it means a lot.

Wondergirl, I'm sorry. Perhaps I misunderstood what you meant. Can you please try to clarify?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deathlywhiterose

Wondergirl, I'm sorry. Perhaps I misunderstood what you meant. Can you please try to clarify?

Isn't going to Mass "going along with them"? If you honor and respect them and what they believe, they should have no beef with you.

But isn't going to Mass exactly what you decry -- "pretending to believe something that I do not; pretending to be something that I am not."

Actually, I said earlier in this thread, "I have no qualms with attending mass. Even though I do not personally believe the religion that is being preached, the morals and life lessons taught there are universal."

However, simply going to mass is not good enough for them. Honoring their religious views is not good enough for them. I have to actually believe it. And they ask me if I believe it now after just about every Sunday.

Because I am unwilling to pretend to be something I am not, I have to be truthful and say "no."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deathlywhiterose

Because I am unwilling to pretend to be something I am not, I have to be truthful and say "no."

Why not divert them by asking a pithy question, maybe based on the homily? "I've always wondered why...."

I believe all children question the religion they have been brought up to believe.

We didn't tell our children to leave
But we did tell them they had to attend church.

We also had rules and they followed them. Many times I felt hopeless about the way they felt about Church.

I put them in God's hand cause I knew they couldn't be made to believe anything unless God spoke to their hearts.

They weren't rebellious by any means, just questioning. I always think of the scripture "Train your children up in the way they should go and when they are older, they will not depart from you".

It worked through a lot of tears and sleepless nights when they had left for College. You cannot force religion on anyone but God can speak to your heart and you'll know it's him. He will guide you.

My children are saved and they came back to the teachings they had learned through the years.

Your parents love you and they worry. Parents want what is the very best for their children and what could be better than being a child of God?

A good response to "do you believe now" is "Im learning" or "Im getting there". Both answers should appease them and both answers are truthful.

Personally I would let them cut me off. Faith based on threats and coercion is oppression. Entire cultures have revolted over as much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Your parents love you and they worry. parents want what is the very best for their children and what could be better than being a child of God?

Free will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Free will.

That's what God gave us when he he sent Jesus to die. We do have free will. We can do what is right or wrong. God doesn't "make" us do anything. He could he has the power. That is "free will"

Satan tempts and if he could he would make us do his bidding. He isn't as strong as Jesus so he can't make us do anything although he tempts us and it is up to us to resist.

He presents the pretty side of sin and rebellion. Only after we rebell and cross the line do we see what he really is. Free will, we all have it.:)

You believe something because someone wrote it in a story 1800 years ago.

You go to church every week and someone tells you again to believe it.

You do.

How is that free will? You are being told what to believe.

But this is off topic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

You believe something because someone wrote it in a story 1800 years ago.

You go to church every week and someone tells you again to believe it.

You do.

How is that free will? You are being told what to believe.

But this is off topic.

It sure is.. to the op I hope everything works out for you.
To Steve.. I believe what I feel in my heart and what I know is real. Bless you and I won't argue with you about this . So I hope the OP finds happiness and answers. Goodbye Steve... Blessings to you.