I am very much in love with a man however I have intamacy issue due to past experiences. We like almost all the same things, I know how he's feeling even before we talk and whenever we talk or are together I feel such a peaceful loving warmth but then when things become physical I freeze up and I don't know how to explain to him and make him understand it's not him. To him sex is making love to me it's a physical act. When we hold each other and caress each other that is what I feel as love and means more than having sex. But to him if we don't have sex I don't love him or so that is what it feels like.

Does he know you have intimacy issues? Are you working through them with a counselor? What you two are doing right now (sensate focus) is wonderful and enables the two of you to express a depth of love for each other, but the sexual expression is the highest and purest form of giving love. Wouldn't you like to do that too eventually?

You shouldn't be pressured into anything you're not comfortable with. Did you try to talk to him and explain why do you have those issues so he'll be more patient and understanding and won't feel unloved? I am not saying it's impossible to have deeply intimate relationship without sex... but if it's not what your man wants and expects out of your relationship, then it's not fair to him either.
And maybe you need to see a therapist to sort things out for yourself. Good luck.

Tracy,

How old are you two?

How long have you been dating him?

What happened in the past to where you are having intamacy issues?

How long have you been involved with him?

I am very hesitant to discuss sexual matters without knowing the age of the person, I am talking to. So may I ask how old you are? For that matter, how old is he?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

How long have you been involved with him?

I am very hesitant to discuss sexual matters without knowing the age of the person, I am talking to. So may I ask how old you are? For that matter, how old is he?

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Well I'm 28 and he is 51. I know there is a huge age difference but when we are together the age issue disappears. If you are curious about my intamacy issues I was rapped in college, then was in a abusive relationship with an alcoholic, then was in a relationship for 7years with a man that became abusive after we had a son and would wake up in the middle of the night half naked and he would be cleaning himself off. A year ago I had to get an order of protection against him for my son and I. This man I'm with now is very kind and we are first and foremost best friends. There is a connection there that I can't explain. He can send me a simple text and I know what he's feeling we can sit in a coffee shop and talk for hours and it feels like minutes. But he is hungarian and very sensative and is very hands on and views sex as making love not just a physical act. I on the other hand view it as a physical act and I freeze up. I would rather just be held and caressed and he knows about my past. He doesn't want to pressure me but if we go away together he tells me there is no pressure but if nothing happens sexually he is upset and hurting on the way home and tells me he has needs too and when to people go away together usually there is sexual intamacy.

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Originally Posted by traceylf

If you are curious about my intamacy issues I was rapped in college, then was in a abusive relationship with an alcoholic, then was in a relationship for 7years with a man that became abusive after we had a son

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We aren't curious. It's a matter of explaining why sex is a problem for you. Thank you for telling us that. Have you ever gotten or considered getting counseling in order to work through your issues?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Does he know you have intimacy issues? Are you working through them with a counselor? What you two are doing right now (sensate focus) is wonderful and enables the two of you to express a depth of love for each other, but the sexual expression is the highest and purest form of giving love. Wouldn't you like to do that too eventually?

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I would but there is another twist. He had gotten a vesectomy during his previous marriage and it's caused erectile disfunction. It's still works but everything has to be perfect. He does know about my past and he says he understands and doesn't want to pressure me but then if we are together he gets upset and hurt if we are not sexually intamate

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Originally Posted by traceylf

I would but there is another twist. He had gotten a vesectomy during his previous marrage and it's caused erectile disfunction. It's still works but everything has to be perfect. He does know about my past and he says he understands and doesn't want to pressure me but then if we are together he gets upset and hurt if we are not sexually intamate

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Then it would be good if both of you would see a counselor, separately and together, since you both have issues that affect not only yourselves but also the other person.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

We aren't curious. It's a matter of explaining why sex is a problem for you. Thank you for telling us that. Have you ever gotten or considered getting counseling in order to work through your issues?

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I've been in therapy from the age of 15 till I was 23 plus I studied psychology. When ever sex comes up I just get this disgusting physical feeling inside me and it's like when you get really sick off a type of liqour and every time you thinking about it or smell or taste it, you gag.

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Originally Posted by traceylf

I've been in therapy from the age of 15 till I was 23 plus I studied psychology. When ever sex comes up I just get this disgusting physical feeling inside me and it's like when you get really sick off of a type of liqour and everytime you thinking about it or smell or taste it, you gag.

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Whenever sex comes up as a topic to discuss with your counselor?

I'm a counselor and am wondering what counseling has done for you all these years from 15 to 23.

I too am a counsellor, however it really depends on what area you choose to major in.

I also studied psychology I guess all counsellors do.

You say you yourself have studied psychology, that's as maybe but you can rarely solve your own problems in this manner.

As a suggestion you could maybe consider hypnotherapy. Or you need to find yourself a counsellor who specialises in sexual problems.

Or a relationship counsellor, counselling covers such a vast array or topics. So you'll need the right type of counsellor for your particular problems.

Hope this helps.