Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend is lying about communicating with an ex... What to do?

My situation is kind of complicated but I'm going to do my best to explain.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a few months and things have been really great. But one issue I've always had in the back of my mind, and in my heart, is that she is still in close contact with one of her exes.

They've known each other for a number of years, but as she's said... they never had a truly serious relationship because there was too many factors of why they wouldn't make it as a couple. His family wanted him to marry her... and still does... but for her, he just wasn't the one.

However, even after they broke up officially about 7 months ago, they still continued to hang out together without the romantic aspect of a relationship. She housesits for him whenever he goes out of town and takes care of his dog... she's even taken me over there to meet him and I've helped her take care of the dog.

Problem is that 1)... she's never told her ex that she and I are seeing each other. 2) he constantly is inviting her over for dinner, wine, would "love" to hang out with her and catch up... 3) makes her favorite foods that they used to share together and invites her over to pick some up.

Now, this past week he asked her in an email if she was dating anyone... and I give her credit that she showed me the email... but I told her it bothered me he didn't know that we were together... and that she really needs to let him know that the door is closed to him and her ever having something like she tells me it is.

That was a week ago... she still hasn't sent him the email. I do know that he's been texting her and calling the past few days. So last night she told me she was over his house letting the dog out and feeding it and she saw some receipts to expensive restaurants, which leads her to think he's dating someone. But then a few minutes later she told me she saw the receipts in his bedroom. I asked why she was in there in the first place and she said she was getting the dog to come into the kitchen because it was deaf and didn't hear her in the house.

hmmmmm

I know he's out of town... but still... why go in his bedroom?

So this morning while she was in the shower, I looked at her text message history and saw a few texts between them. She sent him a text saying (1) she was staying over his house while he was gone... BUT she never told me she was going to stay there, and she has no need to because she's staying at my house. (2) he sent her a text saying he found a pair of her pants in his dresser drawer... interesting how she never mentioned that to me... (3) she told him they should get together when he gets back into town... that put a dagger in my heart because she tells me how he annoys her and how she has no desire to see him in person and that they only randomly speak through texts every now and then.

so this morning after I read the texts, I was very cold to her because I know she's keeping things from me. She got all upset and started crying saying that I'm blaming her for things she hasn't done. ( by the way I didn't mention that I saw the texts)... so in between our argument she went in the bedroom where her phone was and I know she deleted those text messages... because shortly after that she asked me if I wanted to look at her phone.

I know she's not being honest with me about him. I am not quite sure why... or why she continues to allow him to think he has a chance. But I'm kind of at a loss. I hated that I looked in her cell phone but I didn't know what else to do...

any advice?

Sounds more like you've been her rebound and backup plan. She's been secretly wanting to get back with her ex, but keeping you hanging around just in case things don't work out with her ex.

If she can earn your trust back, then move forward.

If she can't, then you're better off going your separate ways since: No trust = No relationship. In other words, if she can't earn your trust back, this relationship will end whether you want it or not.

Based on what you told us, I don't see how this relationship can work. Her heart is not even fully committed to you. It's a good thing that you found out the truth, so that you can cut your ties so that you won't be lead on any longer.

Should I say anything about the texts I saw this morning?

If it were innocent like she said she wouldn't be hiding anything. The fact that she is not being honest is a flag.

Do you think you will be able to trust her much after this?
Once the honesty has been compromised it is difficult to rebuild.
Since relationships need to based on trust and honesty this is going to be a stumbling block over and over.

I would back out. I think she is trying to get back with the ex and using you as a pawn to work on him.

I'd stop all contact with her and send her on her way.

It would be easier to do now than later on.

I wish you well

Had to spread rep wish, but I agree.

And TX I'd tell at the same time I told her to move on.

Is there any point?

Now you have both been sneeking around and hiding things,that sounds harsh but its true.

You say you have been together for a few months but she only broke up with him 7 months ago?

There was really no time in between for her to heal and get over the broken relationship.

The ex seems to be totally unaware of you,and you can't blame him for chasing her,he's innocent and so are you.

She's in the middle playing out a love triangle,both of you chasing her and gving her lots of attention.

I would think its time to let this one go,how you do it will determine how you recover.

Will you be the mature and bigger person,let her go and move on,disappear from her life and get on with yours.

Or join the countless others who looked for revenge and tore themselves apart looking for answers that were never given,only excuses. A blazing row that cuts to your heart with no room for forgiveness or making up afterwards.

My advice,end the relationship with your diginity and self respect in tact.

What she is doing is completely UNACCEPTABLE if you want to maintain a relationship! Y doesn't this guy know about u?? That's ridiculous! Hiding text messages and lying. Is that all about? I understand that people should talk to who ever they want but god at least be honest about it! I'm pretty sure it wouldn't bother you as much if she actually told this other douche that she was in a serious relationship ande I would have asked her why they hell didn't she ever tell him she was dating. It seems like they talk a lot so why not tell him? Its ridiculous and I don't believe that she is "over" him. She isn't even giving you the respect as a human being and worst is that she isn't acknowledging you as her "boyfriend" so if I was you ill tell her everything that you feel and ask her how would she feel if you were talking to an ex? And hiding things? And knowing that they were "supposed to be married" that would make anyone go crazy

What do you want advice for?
The logical thing, the thing that makes the most sense is to realize that you never had this girl from the start.
Tell her you know she is still hung up on this guy, that she has been lying to you about him and you're done.
As I see it, there is no other alternative. The girl is not yours.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

What do you want advice for?
The logical thing, the thing that makes the most sense is to realize that you never had this girl from the start.
Tell her you know she is still hung up on this guy, that she has been lying to you about him and you're done.
As I see it, there is no other alternative. The girl is not yours.

I agree with Homegirl. Tell he it's over. If she lies about one thing, she'll lie about another.

Quote:

Originally Posted by houstonTX23

Should I say anything about the texts I saw this morning?

The bigger message? Keep in mind I'm an investigator.

Don't snoop at ANYTHING unless you are prepared to know and handle what you find.

Never ask a question unless you can handle the answer.

As far as the rest of this - who knows. I don't.

Quote:

Originally Posted by houstonTX23

Should I say anything about the texts I saw this morning?

Whether you do so or not, it won't change the fact that she's been doing things behind your back.

If you confront her, she will feel betrayed by you for going through her things. Furthermore, if she denies her actions, she will be lying. If she admits to it, she's admitting to lying. How can you trust her when she admits to lying?

If you don't confront her, she will continue to live a lie.

Either way, this doesn't end well. Why not make a clean break. Cut each other loose and go your separate ways, so that you can both move on with your lives.

You can't trust her. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is so decietful.

Sorry guy, but it was over when you found out he knew nothing of the relationship between you. That's NOT something you should keep a secret from an ex, unless she had a game to play.

Sorry I kick this one to the curb. ASAP!!