I am so tired of my boyfriends behaviour when it comes to money. He is such a cheapskate it's making me miserable being around him. He earns quite a comfortable amount of money and has lots of money saved but chooses to miss lunch or sometimes dinner just so he doesn't spend a penny. In this economic climate sure it's important to be thrifty but not to forgo the most basic element of everyday life that you become so miserable and anti-social. He has in the past complained about getting tummy aches and I told him it's because he prefers to skip meals rather than grab a quick sandwich or something easy like like that. I knew from the first instance that I was dating a rather stingy person but I thought he would change. On many occasions, Ive caught him practically emptying his saved loose change from a jar. I am quite generous in nature and I love giving and even buying stuff for him but It took him a few hints that it's quite nice to be treated just the same. I still remember the gift that he gave me for christmas. It was one of those souvenir stuff made of bricks that you see when you go on holiday from a tacky shop. I gave him a really nice shirt for work. I know it's the thought that counts but where's the thought in that? His wardrobe hardly contains any clothes. He wears shoes that are so tatty/soles coming off that it makes me cringe to walk beside him. I bought him a new pair of shoes and begged him to stop wearing the old ones but he refused. He always puts great emphasis on money before anything else. Very rare he goes out with his mates because to him it's money wasted,etc. I feel he's unsociable because of his attitude about money. Life has become so miserable around him. I feel I want out because I don't want to live like this. I feel he is quite stingy emotionally too. Where's the hope in this?

I ended up married to someone with serious concerns about money, and no, it doesn't get any better. Early on I took over the bill paying because he couldn't bear to write checks and part with some of his money. If I ever won $25 million in the lottery, he would be upset because I didn't wait until it got up to $50 million before I won. It's funny because his brother brags about how much money he has spent on things, and my husband brags about how much he has saved. Their mother has serious money issues, so each son adopted her concerns but in opposite ways.

There is nothing you can do to make him loosen up and change his spending habits. Psychotherapy might help, but I'm guessing it would take a long time (and he'd have to be willing to commit to it). If you don't want a life full of questions and comments about money, move onward and find someone else to love.

How is your boyfriend stingy emotionally? This might give us a better perspective of him as a whole.

It sounds like you really don't even like the guy, what made you date / be attracted to him in the first place?

It does sound like he has some issues with money to work through, but it sounds like he might have some other underlying issues at play here. When you mentioned he refuses to go out with his friends because it would cost him money, it seems to me that he is almost using money as an excuse to simply not go out. You can still go out with friends and spend little/no money if you have to.

You're miserable and you don't see any hope in the relationship. It's unlikely he will change. You don't actually say you love him. So what's keeping you with him?

You are not going to change him but you don't have be with him. So why are you?
He is who he is. Either accept him as he is or leave him. That is your choice.

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Originally Posted by fixyou

I am so tired of my boyfriends behaviour when it comes to money. He is such a cheapskate it's making me miserable being around him. He earns quite a comfortable amount of money and has lots of money saved but chooses to miss lunch or sometimes dinner just so he doesn't spend a penny. In this economic climate sure it's important to be thrifty but not to forgo the most basic element of everyday life that you become so miserable and anti-social. He has in the past complained about getting tummy aches and i told him it's because he prefers to skip meals rather than grab a quick sandwich or something easy like like that. I knew from the first instance that i was dating a rather stingy person but I thought he would change. On many occasions, Ive caught him practically emptying his saved loose change from a jar. I am quite generous in nature and I love giving and even buying stuff for him but It took him a few hints that it's quite nice to be treated just the same. I still remember the gift that he gave me for christmas. It was one of those souvenir stuff made of bricks that you see when you go on holiday from a tacky shop. I gave him a really nice shirt for work. I know it's the thought that counts but where's the thought in that? His wardrobe hardly contains any clothes. He wears shoes that are so tatty/soles coming off that it makes me cringe to walk beside him. I bought him a new pair of shoes and begged him to stop wearing the old ones but he refused. He always puts great emphasis on money before anything else. Very rare he goes out with his mates because to him it's money wasted,etc. I feel he's unsociable because of his attitude about money. Life has become so miserable around him. I feel I want out because I don't want to live like this. I feel he is quite stingy emotionally too. Where's the hope in this?

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So, is he more social-able when you are paying for things?

It seems rather odd that one would skip meals just to save money. Maybe there is something else going on. Maybe this anti-spending is something more than just him not wanting to spend it.

How long have you guys been dating for? Does he own his own house, and are you living with him? How do you know how much money he has saved? Does he tell you how much money he has saved, or are you guessing how much money he has based on how much he is bringing home each month?

There could also be things about him you didn't know... Like maybe he has a gambling problem, or maybe he owes people money.

OR maybe he is saving up to buy you a ring, or saving up for you guys to get married, or to buy a new house or something... I don't know...

Talk to him about it, express your feelings... make sure its in person. Make sure its in a calm place and that you build a conversation that is free of anger and judgment and let him know you want to know why he hordes his money and doesn't want to spend it at all.

We have been seeing each other for 16 months. I know how much he earns a month and has told me his savings. He shares his flat with 2 others. His room is practically empty. I love him but the more I got to know him the more I question his attitude towards money which I think is rather odd. He eats stale bread or anything left over or is happy to steal his flatmates cooking ingredients. I bought him toilet rolls so he stops taking them from his work. I bought him new clothes to wear and stuff he likes because I wanted to show him that I care and to start taking pride of himself. I have told him to eat sufficient meals to stop being ill. I feel he is in need of a great love from a woman. I thought at first it's just an oversight and no, I am not judgemental at all. It's just my observation of his character. The belief that he is going to get any better is slowly fading. He did say he wants to get married someday and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Yes I love him but the fear in me doesn't seem to go away. He is a 40 year old man.

16 months is enough of a preview to see you won't be happy with him for long and I doubt he makes any long term changes but may promise to, just to get you off his back.

He is who he is, and if your not happy with who he is you make a choice to say enough, is enough.

You are very judgmental after only 16 months. I feel sorry for him to know that you cringe when you walk down the street with him because of his tacky shoes. You judge someone you are in a relationship so harshly, over things that do not in any way, reflect on him as a person.

Is he loving, tidy, motivated, unquestioningly in love with you? He may not fit the bill of being as free with HIS money as you say, but, what's to say in the 'new relationship handbook' that he has to impress you by buying stuff, just because you think he should.

Maybe no amound of spending would be good enough for you. You seem to know that he has a healthy savings account and makes a comfortable living- and that has what to do with you?

The way you describe the Christmas gift again has me thinking that nothing is good enough. Maybe the gift had nothing to do with money at all- maybe the gift was something that he though was perfect and meaningful, but you're too busy looking for the receipt and missed the intent of the gift.

There could be as many reasons for him being a spendthrift, and a responsible person with his money, as there are for you thinking he shouldn't be that way. But, all your reasons are about you. What he spends, what he buys you, how he looks. Very shallow ways to judge a person in my opinion.

While you may be better off looking for someone more mainstream with less substance and more money, he may need someone who is a little less judgmental, and cares a little less about what he's got in the bank.

The two of you do not sound compatible to me.

James, I think your own emotional health is questionable. The guy is selfish, which what being cheap is about. It has nothing to do with how much money he makes. You can be generous with what you have, however little it is. It's about showing someone you value them and care about them. You don't have to break your bank for that. She's not judgmental, but you are. And a little bitter, too.