Just wondering what people think.. in a good relationship but recently got very close to someone also in a relationship. He sees nothing wrong with this though lines are getting blurred. I do not intend acting on this but wondering if this counts as cheating? I feel very guilty about it, I love both and don't want to cause trouble for anyone

Well This Is Kind Of Hard To Answer; First Of All Maybe It Would Be Good To Leave Both Of Them; Say You Just Want To Be Friends ( even know we all know that doesn't Work) But Its Time To Look For Someone Else It Would Be Best For All 3 Of You & No One Gets Hurt This Way; iHope My Answer Has Helped;

-Kiyahnah(;

Your heart is cheating ;)

Would you appreciate it if your mate had "feelings" towards someone else? I'll bet not.

You need to stay away from that person. They are going to lead you down a path that you might not like.

If you find yourself falling out of love with the person you are with, then I would suggest that you break up with them before feelings are majorly hurt. Cheating never gets you what you want. Just read some of the threads on here about cheating.. Never a happy ending.

Do all involved parties know about this? Or is this a clandestine meeting that only the two of you are aware of?

Building a relationship without the knowledge of the partner you vowed fidelity to is not ethical. So I think it is cheating. Sex or no sex.

Cheating is usually defined as having sex.
So when you say you have no intentions of acting on it , you mean not having sex I assume. Isn't having a relationship acting on it also?

How will this affect your good relationship if your partner finds out ? Will they see it as cheating?

The lines are never blurred. You are in a relationship or you are not.
If it has to be hidden then it probably shouldn't be happening.

Loving mutual friends is a great thing that you can share with your partner. Sharing being a key element.

I suggest that if you want to remain in your relationship , you come clean and see if your partner sees it as OK because you didn't have sex.

I am afraid that you have already broken the trust and are going to find this to be a major hurdle in continuing the "good relationship" you had.

Honesty and an apology are in order. Good luck , I feel sorry for what you may be facing.

Sorry Martinizing2 have to spread the rep

I agree with what you say in your post, and you have raised some good points.


OP before embarking upon any extra relationships, or another one with another person, there are so many things you need to ask yourself.

One being is it considered cheating, that is entirely up to the indiviuals concerned, some can live with and do have polygamus relationships, and they work well for those involved in them .

However if what you are intending to do isn't this type of relationship but is more of a 2nd relationship that the original partner has no knowledge of then that in my opinion is definitely cheating.

Cheating is doing something behind the others back, its having sex with 2 different partners with neither of them knowing, or being given the opportunity to say whether they are agreeable.

Hope this helps.

Thanks everyone, that's all really helpful! I think I kind of know it's wrong, ideally I would break contact with other person but he has become quite dependent on me, going through a tough time. While I am wracked with guilt that this is being kept from my partner he is very comfortable with his partner not knowing about it. I guess what bothers me is that he doesn't feel bad about it - does this mean I am guilty of cheating but he is not? I care too much to abandon him when he's having problems but the guilt is awful. I think martinizing2 is right, there's no sharing element and as it has to be hidden it has to be wrong!

Chances are, if you are feeling guilt about it, then you know that you're doing something wrong. If you felt that this was perfectly all right, then you wouldn't feel too guilty.

Like other posters had said, would you be all right if you found out your current partner had feelings for someone else?

If you feel what you're doing is wrong, then that's reason enough for you to stop doing it.

Is it cheating, YES, in my opinion, since you are going behind your partners back, and crossing the lines of good behavior.

This other guy not feeling bad could mean he has no ethics. I would imagine his girl friend does not know about this he would have no problem cheating.
You say you hate turning on back on him, what about what you are doing to your boy friend?
Cut your ties with this guy. This is bad news.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by carolod2

while i am wracked with guilt that this is being kept from my partner he is very comfortable with his partner not knowing about it. i guess what bothers me is that he doesn't feel bad about it -

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This tells you that he is probably a serial cheater and is feeding you a line about 'needing' you. I think he is using what appears to be a very caring person to get his needs filled and other people don't matter including you. I would almost bet that he has said such wonderful lines as 'I have never felt this close to anyone before' or 'she doesn't understand me' (probably because he hasn't tried).

He may be going through hard times, but he is making them harder and pulling you into a an extremely bad situation.

I suggest leaving him to doggie-paddle his way back to the person who he should be leaning on instead of enabling him.

If you feel guilty ,which tells you it's wrong, talk it over with your partner and if he is OK with it continue to help.

If not , I suggest you come clean anyway to avoid future problems that could be compounded by him finding some other way. And this seems to happen more than not.

Cat 1864 you kind of freaked me out because he has said that kind of thing over and over again. I never considered that he might not be as genuine as he seemed. Thanks, it's been very helpful. A year ago I would have said I was immune to any kind of cheating, though nothing has really happened you all seem to agree that because I feel so guilty I am doing something wrong. I agree! Just wondering, do many people in relationships find themselves in this situation? And if you've grown attached is it easy to go cold turkey?which I think I need to try to do now. Again, thank you for all the wise words

A lot of us women can get sucked in when we have a kind heart. But once you realize you've been had the anger helps you let go.
I think this guy is like cat said a serial cheater.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by carolod2

thanks everyone, that's all really helpful! i think i kind of know it's wrong, ideally i would break contact with other person but he has become quite dependent on me, going through a tough time. while i am wracked with guilt that this is being kept from my partner he is very comfortable with his partner not knowing about it. i guess what bothers me is that he doesn't feel bad about it - does this mean i am guilty of cheating but he is not? i care too much to abandon him when he's having problems but the guilt is awful. i think martinizing2 is right, there's no sharing element and as it has to be hidden it has to be wrong!

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Ahhh... The amazing: The grass looks greener on the other side. Post...

First: If this guy already has a partner, and he does not feel guilty about this (I BET she doesn't even know he's talking to you, or has any strong feelings for you) than how is this a good relationship to start on?

Can you think about this for a minute? Tell me. HOW. This. Can. Be. Good?

Most likely if he can do it to his girl... chances are he's going to-do it to you sweet heart. This reminds me of my ex girlfriend.

She was with another man when she met me. She cheated on him with me, then left him for me. Being the stupid person I am... 3 years later she leaves me--I bet with all the money in the world, and my soul that the Same THING HAPPENED to me, that happened to the other guy BEFORE me.

Second: Cheating... Cheating is anything you are doing behind your partners back. Cheating is such a miss-used word... But it all comes down to this...

If you can do what you are doing in-front of your partners face then its not cheating.

Yep. Its really that simple.:cool:

Go with the one u love more and stick to him.

Cold turkey (aka: No Contact) isn't easy in anything you are giving up. We're human and we get used to things a certain way and changing those ways is not easy. However, you have something you can focus on and work on to keep you from falling back into the trap.

Take some time to think about why you became vulnerable to this guy's line. Is there something in your relationship that isn't quite as fulfilling as it should be? What can you do to fix the holes that this rat wiggled his way in through?

It may take sitting down and talking with your partner about the relationship. Where it is today, where it is going, how to refresh the interest and keep it new, etc. Call it relationship maintenance. Clearing up the clutter and patching the leaks.

I don't really think your feelings for X are as strong as you might believe at this point. What I think happened and it happens to a lot of people is that you transferred some of your feelings for your partner to X in an attempt to find something you didn't even realize was missing like maybe being needed.

Good luck getting things back to where they are supposed to be.

By the way, what's really scary is that X's type is so easy to spot in movies, on TV or in a book that we laugh when they start using those lines and call it cliché. However, in real life, we don't want to think that we can be duped by them so we believe what they tell us and end up getting taken in.

You are human, after all. If everybody did the right thing and ignored signs that obviously point to some sort of infidelity or dishonest conduct, the divorce rate would be zero in North America.

You can't be faulted for how you feel. But, you can and should question the motives of your friend, and question how you respond to him.

Being needy on his part is bullfeathers. He should be needing his wife, and his wife only.

When I was 7 1/2 months pregnant, my husband had a new partner who was female. As soon as I laid eyes on her I knew she was trouble. I walked into my husbands office one day to see her sitting provocatively on top of his desk.

I calmly walked over and said, and I quote, "Get the F**K off my husband's desk", in a loud enough voice, that anybody within earshot heard me.

Who's going to argue with a 7 1/2 months cranky woman.

Ended up eventually being invited to her home for dinner. I reluctantly went and met HER husband, who was the total and complete opposite of how she described her husband to my husband. I didn't need to say a word- my husband finally got it.

What I'm saying is that it is what it is. If he has problems, they are not your problems. If he is needy, it's not your place to help him. If he is looking to tangle you up in an affair, you are surely heading down that path.

While you question his motives and honesty, which is a good thing, you should also consider what your motives are with yourself. Seriously. Be honest here.

Dump the friend, thank your lucky stars that you haven't crossed the line, totally back off, get those blurred lines sharp again, and stick to your husband.

Thanks again.

Cat1864 you may just be a little psychic! I think you're right - when I take a step back and look at it I would think he's playing me completely. It didn't seem that way until you pointed it out!

Jake 2008 - brilliant story! Very impressed with that. And thank you for being understanding! I will try to fix my marriage if at all possible. As you seem to know very much about these matters, in your opinion is this a common problem? No body seems to talk about this

Yes it's a common thing with us humans to be distracted by our own problems and it's a temporary fix to seek others to make us feel better about ourselves for a minute.

That's much easier than rolling up our sleeves, and going home to face our issues, and get busy doing the real hard work of making things right with our partners. Take care of home first, no matter what the outside distractions are, or how good it feels, and looks.

That in itself is hard work, and why some of us are easily distracted from the real things that must be done.

Looks good on paper though, and makes us happy for a minute, until we realize that home is falling apart without us.

You know, I do think it is a common problem.

What is even more uncommon, is that people don't stop to think that it is a common problem. We all experience attractions, for all kinds of reasons, toward other people.

Some experts would call thinking errors into place here. That is what happens when you begin to place the thinking error in an emotional place where you cannot think straight, and then justify it.

We see it all the time here. After the fact, when the line is crossed, then the justificaiton for it begins- he didn't pay enough attention to me, he emotionally abused me, I married him too young, he says he loves me but he doesn't show it- etc. etc. etc.

Along the way there are opportunities to be honest, but many choose to ignore the fact that these feelings, no matter how strong they are, toward another person, can be managed, understood, and changed. It takes a little insight and a little discipline. But, it will pass, and the feelings for the other person will fade.

I have had 'opportunities' many times, even recently, where one step could change my life, and being a writer, my imagination really goes off the deep end, but, it is fantasy, it's not real, and it will never be. I just correct it, and throw cold water in my face so to speak, and untalk myself from seeing it as an opportunity. The only opportunity there, is for disaster.

See it for what it is. I see a good looking man, or talk to a man who makes me laugh, or a man who I connect with, and I thouroughly enjoy the banter and the view, but, I don't cross the line.

I really wonder about people who cannot be critical of their own behaviour, and make better choices.