We have only been dating for 3 months, things were amazing, then just a couple weeks ago she started getting really sick, the doctors are unsure of what's wrong and it stressed her out a lot, she went through a lot of tests and they are still unsure, anyway it was stressing me out because she was always down and angry and nothing I did would help, then just last week she told me I was stressing her out too much and she needed to break things off. She's very independent and when she gets too stressed or starts going through tough things she has to deal with them alone (I don't really understand it, but she's always been like this) anyway I told her I was in love with her and I would give her all the space she needed but she shouldn't have to break up with me over it, she said she was sorry but it seems like the right thing to do right now. I told her I don't want to be friends with her/i can't be friends with her, I want to be everything BUT. ( I know I know I let my emotions get the better of me) anyway she said she's not asking to be friends or anything, she just needs her time right now, and that she's being selfish but sometimes you have to. When I asked if I did anything wrong she said she felt like she was putting in all this effort to meet my friends and my sister, and that I wasn't putting in the same amount of effort to meet her friends (her friends are pretty much her family). I thought I was! I thought me and her friends got along great, (I am really quiet and shy in the first place though, so I know I do need to work on that) she always told me that when its just me and her together we have a blast everything is amazing, but when we are with more than just us she feels like she has to entertain me because I will just sit there and listen. Anyway long story short, I am head over heels in love with this girl, and I know all the feelings and everything are there, I know we work together, I know what I need to change about myself to show her I appreciate everything in her life and about her, I'm trying to give her space right now, its only been a week, and we've talked through text a bit. Any advice on what I should do would be helpful, I am having the hardest time just sitting here and doing nothing, all I want to do is tell her how much I miss her and how badly I want to see her.

OP can you please break down your posts in future, written as it is in one big block of text it makes it harder to figure it all out and to read.

It appears your g/f wants space to figure out what she really wants, she is possibly worried about the tests she has had.

If she wants space then all you can do is give it to her, you're appearing to be needy and clingy, and no female or male for that matter is comfortable with this.

Give her some space whilst you can if you don't then she's going to tell you its over.

You can tell her how much she means to you once she's had the space she wants. Push too hard and you're going to lose her completely.

Some people prefer to resolve issues they have on their own in their own heads, I do it often.

Seriously if you don't give her space, then you'll be history, its up to you...

Also you need to understand and accept that being in a relationship doesn't mean you can live inside the other persons head, sharing time and enjoyment together doesn't mean we aren't still individual people, and you and the g/f are not joined at the hip, she still has boundaries you need to respect, she still has a right to be herself, she's not your property and you're not hers, you're two independent people sharing a time line together, and that's it, you can't live in her head or she in yours.

You've got to accept that she's still herself, so are you yourself. So give her some space. Keep busy, don't rush her.

It is true that sometimes people need time alone to fix their problems and sometimes they have to be selfish. I can understand her need to be alone. A couple of years ago I was in a one-year relationship that was going well. I wasn't in love yet and don't know if I would have gotten there; he was and wanted to talk about the future. Unfortunately, my parents were killed in a car accident. I too was very emotional and stressed. I just couldn't worry about anyone else - I needed to be selfish, have space, and deal with things. This guy offered me space and support, said so many of the right things - but I just couldn't deal with anything else. He was an added stress that I couldn't handle at that time - not at all what he meant to be, but he was. If she's at that point, there is nothing you can do. She needs this time.

You also have to realize that a lot of finding the right relationship and falling in love has to do with timing. Both parties have to be ready, willing, and able. You can't force her to feel something she doesn't or isn't ready to feel.

I think you give her what she wants and go on with your life. You work on those things you know you need to change, but for yourself not her. Find your own happiness, and someday a girl will come along that will recognize in you what she is looking for and will want the same things you want.

Respecting her wish to have some space while she is stressed may be a good start to show that you care.
Being ill and having to deal with doctors and tests is stressful enough but when you add that there is no explanation yet as to a cause , the stress must be overwhelming.

People deal with stress differently. I understand her wanting to deal with it alone because that is my attitude also. I feel it is less complicated when I don't need to explain what is going on to other people. She may feel the same. Where it is my problem I feel like I can make the decisions I need to without input from well wishing people because I am the only one that knows everything involved and do not care to try and explain it.

Give her some time but maybe send a box of candy (I think candy is better than flowers) with a letter telling her you understand how she feels about you being quiet and shy and you would like to be able to show her you can do what's necessary to make her more comfortable when you are around other people.
Tell her you will be there if she needs you, but let her make the decision to contact you. And in the mean time you will respect her wish for space.
Then no more contact from you.


Give it at least a couple of weeks, as hard as it may be, and see if there is any change. But considering her condition I think you need to giver time . Normally I'd say break it off and let her go , don't contact her at all. But the stress she is going through requires relenting to her needs. Be supportive but from a distance.

You cannot wait and hope forever though. If she does not contact you , or give you some response after 2 or 3 weeks...
It may turn out that the relationship is over in her eyes, in which case it is over.

Then moving on and healing will be the issue to be addressed.

But hopefully the space you provide and time for thought will help you get back together with her. I sincerely hope it works out for you both.

Have to spread some rep martinizing 2 but I agree with what you have said.
Tell her you will be there if she needs to talk but back off and leave her alone.
It could be the relationship has run it's course, so be prepared for the realization that this might be it.

I agree, give her all the space she wants. She has a lot of stress going on, and you stressing her out more, isn't going to help the situation. She told you she feels like you just sit there and listen. That's a red flag to her. Let her alone for now. If she cares about you, let her come around when she can deal with everything that is going on with her. Putting more pressure will only push her away. We sometimes don't see those things when were so wrapped in the situation. Space, space and space.

Thanks everyone.
It was just frustrating for me to hear the thing about us hanging out in a group because she would always always always tell me she loved how shy and quiet I was around everyone but when I was with her I was this whole other person only she could see.
So I guess that's why I never did anything about it.

This is the freakiest thing I've ever read on here... only because its EXACTLY, and I mean EXACTLY the same thing that happened to me

I have to disagree with most of the posters here. I had a similar thing happen to me, and I came on this board, got some advice, but at the end decided to break it off. There is no such thing as a break in a truly healthy relationship. I mean, I can understand 1 or 2 days of break from each other, but if it is any longer than that, it does not bode well for the long term health of the relationship. When one of the partners is unable to deal with the stresses of life while keeping you in their lives, it shows that they are unable to effectively work with another person. There will always be stresses in life, if you are in a long term relationship, are you going to put up with her pulling this every once in a while? A person under stress in a healthy relationship would want to rely on their partners to solve the problems, not isolate them. How does it feel when she tells you, you are part of the problem, and can't be possibly part of the solution? This girl is under stress, and more importantly, she is not emotionally mature enough to deal with it while having you in her life, or your style of dealing with stress just does not match hers, which is a sign of compatibility. Give her the space of course, but don't wait around for her to come back, and even if she does, be very wary of what future might hold.

lifeistough75
They have not had a long term relationship to begin with. This is a new relationship, 3 months. One she may not even be enjoying that much. She is going through a stressful time and she does not want the stress of a boyfriend right now.

This is not a sign that she can't cope or is immature, it just means she does not want to deal with a boyfriend (one she barely knows to begin with) and his feelings while she is dealing with health issues of her own. She knows her limitations does not want any undue stress and has stated as such.

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Originally Posted by lifeistough75

When one of the partners is unable to deal with the stresses of life while keeping you in their lives, it shows that they are unable to effectively work with another person. There will always be stresses in life, if you are in a long term relationship, are you going to put up with her pulling this every once in a while? A person under stress in a healthy relationship would want to rely on their partners to solve the problems, not isolate them. How does it feel when she tells you, you are part of the problem, and can't be possibly part of the solution? This girl is under stress, and more importantly, she is not emotionally mature enough to deal with it while having you in her life, or your style of dealing with stress just does not match hers, which is a sign of compatibility. Give her the space of course, but don't wait around for her to come back, and even if she does, be very wary of what future might hold.

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AMAZING. Yes. That is 100% correct. Its always a bad thing when someone wants to "take a break" from a relationship... What if you were married with kids? Is it "okay" to take a break?

A break is never a good thing, and I would just ditch her an move on. Honestly, do you want to be treated like that? Would you EVER say, "I WANT A BREAK FOR A BIT" with her?. I don't think you would do that.

Do you know, how I know? Because when you love someone you don't "go on breaks" with that person because that just shows that you are NOT in love with them. Loving, healthy relationships are suppose to be ABOUT TEAMWORK, and solving issues together, not apart. If she has PERSONAL problems, she should not be in a relationship. OR she should not bring them to the table.

If she brings them to the table, then it is open for the relationship to fix them.

This is not a long term relationsip people. They have known each other for 3 months.
The lady has health issues and she does not want to be in a relationship (a new one) right now. I would imagine if this were a long term one it would not be a problem.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

This is not a long term relation people. They have known each other for 3 months.
The lady has health issues and she does not want to be in a relationship (a new one) right now. I would imagine if this were a long term one it would not be a problem.

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Yes. I understand this. But then is she just going to give up on every boyfriend if this is a chronic condition?

So, what if this is a chronic healthy issue. Maybe she should never have a boyfriend then...

@ OP: Don't sit there and wait for her. Go out and live your life, her problems are her problems now. You're just giving her more fuel for her to make this break 100%.

No, and there is nothing to indicate that she will. This is a matter of her knowing she has too much on her plate right now to deal with a NEW boy friend.

No one has said he should wait around, he should move on but this does not mean she is an immature person. She just does not want to have to deal with a new boyfriend.
And newsflash, not every woman needs a man.

If she has to break things off because of the stress, then leave her alone, and do your thing. It's a waste of time trying to fix her, or what she is going through, and its just better to give her what she wants, and pursue other options, and opportunities.

Staying in touch, even just through text messaging, only confirms its okay to be just friends.

But for your own good, you have to first deal with your own hurt feelings, and leave her alone until you do, as why drag that misery out longer than you have too?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

No, and there is nothing to indicate that she will. This is a matter of her knowing she has too much on her plate right now to deal with a NEW boy friend.

No one has said he should wait around, he should move on but this does not mean she is an immature person. She just does not want to have to deal with a new boyfriend.
And newsflash, not every woman needs a man.

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I see your point. But I never said she was an immature person. Please look at the bold context of my post(with the quote) from: lifeistough75

Without further information from the OP, we can not really be too sure what her motives are. Some questions I have are:

1) Were both of you an "item". Because dating is such a casual word, and most people who "date" are "dating" other people at the same time.

2) Were you guys having intimate sexual activity. This would also suggest both parties are an "item" and not just "dating". Unless the OP, and girl are into transmitting diseases.

3) Was the word "love" said at any time?

4) Did the friends consider both of you as girlfriend/boyfriend?
a) Did your friends consider both of you are girlfriend/boyfriend?

5) How old are both of you?