My boyfriend is awesome. I have never been someone to fall in love easily or believe in true romance, but with him it was like love at first sight. I adore him and he would spoil me rotten if I let him. I have never been with anyone who has been so sweet, considerate and loving. Yet he won't sleep with me and we have been together for 15 months now. He says he loves me and thinks I am beautiful, so what is wrong? After half a year of pretending to fall asleep when I tried to initiate sex, he finally admitted that the last time he tried to sleep with a girl he could not get it up. I've been supportive and have told him it's nothing to worry about, that we should still try. And to be honest, I just cannot understand why he would not want to try. I've only ever slept with a guy once and it was a horrible experience, but I love my boyfriend so much and feel so passionate about him that I am willing to move on and get over that experience. Why can't he feel as strongly as me?
He went down on me a couple times, but would not let me touch him. It just felt like he was doing it to shut me up, so I told him to stop because it was too one sided. I've tried giving him time, but 15 months is very long... And if I try to talk about it he goes into a strange, depressed state in which he often does stupid and dangerous things. Last time he smashed his mirror and cut himself on the shards. I feel horrible all the time. I feel horrible because I feel unloved, unwanted and unattractive. And I feel horrible for depressing him when I try to talk about it. I can't imagine my life without him, my family lives in another country and he is the only person I have, but I can't keep carrying this around with me. Am I being selfish? I often fear he is not over his last girlfriend. He is good friends with and still hangs out with this girl he had some sort of thing with, but I do not know if she is the one he last tried to sleep with. I hate seeing them together. Then of course there is the fear he just isn't that into me. Or maybe he's gay? I just don't know anymore. Help?

That's some mighty selfish thinking to be with a guy who has a problem, and make this about YOU.

Tell him to see a doctor about his erectile dysfunction. There is plenty of help for those that want it.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Thats some mighty selfish thinking to be with a guy who has a problem, and make this about YOU.

Tell him to see a doctor about his erectile dysfunction. There is plenty of help for those that want it.

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He does not have a dysfunction; it happened once. I know from male friends that this happens to most guys sooner or later. I know it's still more difficult for some than it is for others and have been supportive. However, as I said, the first half year he just chose to ignore me, rejecting me again and again without giving me a reason why. How could I not start thinking it was me? How could I not develop low self esteem? Your words are harsh...

You obviously know nothing about dysfunction, and should talk to a DOCTOR and not your uneducated male friends. There are many levels and reasons for erectile dysfunction and if you want to find out about his, he has to go to a doctor for the correct diagnosis and treatment. That's where you start or take it he hates you and leave hi alone and never know the truth.

Sounds harsh, but the truth can be when you don't want to hear it. Your choice.

I had to spread the rep but I agree with Tal.

In order for you to be in a mature relationship, communication is key. You feel hurt, unloved, unattractive, but instead of talking to him about these things, you sit and mope, play mind games with yourself.

Talk to him. If there is a physical problem then sitting around and hoping it will end, or smashing mirrors, isn't going to help him.

Talk to him about this, and try to realize that it's not all about you. If you aren't willing to talk to him, it's really not fair to him to imagine the worst.

Point number one - you should never be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself (like you're unloved, unattractive, unsexy, whatever). 15 months is a long time to put up with something that make you so unhappy, and no, having no family around and him being the only close person to you is not an excuse.
Try to talk to him on adult level - like what does he think of your sex life, does he see any issues with it (pretending to fall asleep doesn't cut it and he is basically avoiding an issue) and what he's going to do about it (breaking mirrors out of self-hate or frustration solves nothing). You have to be prepared to be blamed for his lack of sexual desire - erectile dysfunction serves a huge blow to male's self-esteem and he may try to present it all being your fault (don't buy it - you ARE sexy and desirable, maybe just not to him, but don't let it to become your problem).
Outcome of your relationship will depend on what his has to say. 99% of sex drive and desire IS in a head, and not in the pants. Maybe he has self-esteem issues, or maybe it's just physical problem (like lack of testosterone) - there is no way to know unless he'll see a doctor.
But open communication is a key. And if you're unwilling to be in sexless relationship and things will continue to be the way they are now, it will only get worse, and you may be better off leaving him and moving on. If it's that bad now, imagine how your relationship will look like in another 5 or 10 years.
Good luck.

The relationship is dysfunctional. Work on being independent and get him to a doctor. Things will only get worse, not better otherwise.

You're right, I agree with most answers. I am prone to depression and I let it get the better of me. I think it was hard not to feel a bit unwanted after the way our relationship started, but I realize now that it's not about me. I love him, so I should give him all the time he needs and communicate with him in positive ways. Thank you.

15 months is a long time to go without. I do not understand why anybody would go that long and not try to do anything about it.
I'd go get a 5 gallon bucket of viagra and be eating it like cereal out of a bowl.

I think you should try to convince him to go see a doctor and find out what is going on. It would be beneficial to you both.

I can see where this will be hard if he smashed a mirror last time you talked to him about it. Which brings up another point.
I would be cautious around anybody that resorts to smashing and breaking things out of frustration of being confronted about it, or was it anger that could be possibly directed at you one day.
You said he does stupid and dangerous things. Plural. I take it there have been other similar things or bursts of this type. Is this correct? If so it may be wise to try to be extra careful no matter how much you think he loves you. Any violent behavior like that is a flag that it may escalate.

I wish you well and hope you can find answers soon.