Our son is engaged to a woman 5 years his senior. He is 25, she is 30. One month after they met, she became pregnant. There has been speculation that this event was contrived by her, but in the beginning I gave her the benefit of the doubt. We now have a beautiful grandchild. They have been together about 2 years. She has a very controlling mother whom my son complains about to me. My husband does not like either her mother or her father. My son has a home in our city, but she is planning on moving up where her parents live, 3 hours away. I have tried to make this woman feel welcome, but she has gone so far as to say she is not a part of our family. My son is always trying to "sell" her to us. We just had an event where we were all together. Her mother never spoke to me, and just said bye to my husband. How do we deal with these people? After everything our son has told us about them, it is very difficult to like them. Her mother has told our son and her daughter that they should make a will so she won't have to fight for the baby. How do we deal with this family? I feel once our son moves up there, it is unlikely we will ever see him or our grandchild again.

I think YOUR dislike for your sort of daughter-in-law (or whatever you call people who are not married and have a child) and her family is loud and clear. She contrived (your word) to become pregnant? Where was your son in that picture?

She became pregnant the first month they knew each other and somehow that's HER fault?

As far as the age, you don't want to know the age difference between me and my husband! If it doesn't matter to them I don't know why it matters to you.

Quite frankly, I don't see how/why it was necessary for you to give her the benefit of the doubt. It's your son's life, not yours. Maybe your family liked your husband, maybe they didn't. Maybe his family liked you, maybe they didn't.

Assuming your son is an adult I think you need to step back. She's decided to move? What about him? Doesn't he have a voice?

If your son and his wife feel HER parents are better suited to raise their child in the event something happens to them, then that's how it is. Why your son even told you this is beyond me.

If you don't want to be with her family - and they very well may sense your dislike - then don't get together with her family. Plenty of people get together with one side and then the other - the husband's family sees them Christmas Eve, her family sees them Christmas Day and so forth.

I think you need to butt out.

Granted, my son had a part in this pregnancy and unfortunately, there are many facts that exist in this situation that I cannot present here. Our son has done nothing but complain about his future mother-in-law to us since he met her. We have seen their family a total of 3 times in 2 years. As far as us stepping back, our son told us when he moved out, we were to call before coming over, which is how we wanted it as well. We were expecting to share holidays, but the first Christmas, 2009, we were told we would have her Christmas Eve, they would Christmas Day. Then, 2 days before Christmas eve, our son told us her mother felt upset and disappointed that they weren't going to have her for her 1st Christmas so she spent the entire holiday with them. As for "butting out", we are not "in it" otherwise rather than asking for advice from strangers on how to handle it, we'd simply confront these people head on. QUOTE=JudyKayTee;2439501]I think YOUR dislike for your sort of daughter-in-law (or whatever you call people who are not married and have a child) and her family is loud and clear. She contrived (your word) to become pregnant? Where was your son in that picture?

She became pregnant the first month they knew each other and somehow that's HER fault?

As far as the age, you don't want to know the age difference between me and my husband! If it doesn't matter to them I don't know why it matters to you.

Quite frankly, I don't see how/why it was necessary for you to give her the benefit of the doubt. It's your son's life, not yours. Maybe your family liked your husband, maybe they didn't. Maybe his family liked you, maybe they didn't.

Assuming your son is an adult I think you need to step back. She's decided to move? What about him? Doesn't he have a voice?

If your son and his wife feel HER parents are better suited to raise their child in the event something happens to them, then that's how it is. Why your son even told you this is beyond me.

If you don't want to be with her family - and they very well may sense your dislike - then don't get together with her family. Plenty of people get together with one side and then the other - the husband's family sees them Christmas Eve, her family sees them Christmas Day and so forth.

I think you need to butt out.[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry but you are "in it." I'd take ALL of this up with your son - he presumably has some control over his family.

I still think whether you like her family is immaterial. It's his life and it's what he thinks. He complains to you but not to his girlfriend?

I'd tell him he has to work it out. As far as the move, I routinely drive 3 hours to see MY stepgrandchild.

I realize you don't want to confront her family but I don't think that's your place, anyway. It's your SON'S place to attempt to juggle both families.

It's your SON'S place to open his mouth and tell his girlfriend what he thinks.

His family very well may not be terribly happy about his age, either.

Thank you, JudyKayTee your second comment confirmed what we had been thinking. It is up to our son to take control of his life Our only advice to him was to not "lose himself" in the relationship. We are positioned to accept the possibility of never seeing our son or grandchild again if that's what he chooses. If he is truly happy with his situation, that's fine, but I wish he would not complain to me how her mother is so controlling, etc. And yes, he wants us all to be happy with one another, but I told him it does not matter if we like his girlfriend or not, HE has to live with her and her famly, not us. We just want him and our grandchild to be happy. Again, we thank you for confirmation of the approach we are taking.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'm sorry but you are "in it." I'd take ALL of this up with your son - he presumably has some control over his family.

I still think whether or not you like her family is immaterial. It's his life and it's what he thinks. He complains to you but not to his girlfriend?

I'd tell him he has to work it out. As far as the move, I routinely drive 3 hours to see MY stepgrandchild.

I realize you don't want to confront her family but I don't think that's your place, anyway. It's your SON'S place to attempt to juggle both families.

It's your SON'S place to open his mouth and tell his girlfriend what he thinks.

His family very well may not be terribly happy about his age, either.

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It sounds like things can't get any worse SO without getting confrontational, have you tried talking to her? Maybe she'll get defensive, maybe not. Maybe if you say you're worried about them moving away, when will you see the baby - and leave whatever your son has said out of it she'll want to discuss the relationship.

If she has any sense that you disapprove she could very well be simply trying to make you jump through hoops.

I'd tell her what you've told us - you want him to be happy and he seems to be; you want your grandchild to be happy. You don't know each other well, you'd like to have a relationship with her... and so forth.

Who knows? Maybe it will work.

Yes, I have invited both her and my son to sit down and talk things out after the holiday fiasco, he showed up. New Year's day, I hugged her and said new year, new start. Oh well. I don't even know if she is aware of what our son is telling us about her family. It comes down to this, our son is the only one who can determine if and how often we will see them. What will be will be.[/B]

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

It sounds like things can't get any worse SO without getting confrontational, have you tried talking to her? Maybe she'll get defensive, maybe not. Maybe if you say you're worried about them moving away, when will you see the baby - and leave whatever your son has said out of it she'll want to discuss the relationship.

If she has any sense that you disapprove she could very well be simply trying to make you jump through hoops.

I'd tell her what you've told us - you want him to be happy and he seems to be; you want your grandchild to be happy. You don't know each other well, you'd like to have a relationship with her ... and so forth.

Who knows? Maybe it will work.

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I wouldn't sit down with him and her - I'd sit down with her. Woman to woman, mother to mother.

At least when the meeting is over you'll have a very clear sense of what the story is.

And maybe your son is just venting. I hope.