I dated my ex for four years and it was a roller coaster romance to say the least. He cheated on me and after only a week after our break up he was dating another girl. It was the hardest thing I ever dealt with, because I loved this man more than anything. After our break up with hung out every so often until I found out that he was lying to me about breaking up with the other women, actually by having her call me by getting my number off his phone.

During the time after our break up I met another man, who is sweet, honest, and kind, though to our different schedules it's very difficult to have a serious dating relationship as of now. We've been taking our time to get to know one another and I enjoy his company majorily. However, after my ex and his girlfriend officially broke up, which I know for a fact they did, we have began hanging out.

The ex has been on his best behavior, which I'm not sure is because he's trying to get back with me. He has always been a horrible alcoholic, and when drunk is verbally abusive. But when sober, he is the nicest, funniest, and sweetest guy.

I don't know if I should continue with the new guy, who've I've been talking to for about a year, or the ex who says and seems like he's changing, though continuing to drink. My ex tends to guilt be into wanting him because he says that I am the only person to keep him straight and away from going back to his old self.

I know I seem crazy to even be thinking about going for the ex, because he probably will never change, although he says that his time away from me made him realize how much he cares.

Please give me you opinions.
Thanks

Why do women always like the bad boys?

You know what this man is like and you want more degrading behavior from him.

He is a user and he'll do it again a and again to any woman he's with.
He says you can keep him straight. No one can.

You have a nice wonderful man in your life and you want to try again with this narcissistic player?

You are a glutton for punishment and if you go back to him, you are either fooling yourself that he's changed or you like the way he treated you.

See what happens.. he'll drop you again and the good guy will be gone.

You seriously need to start counseling if you feel he's the best you can do.

" He has always been a horrible alcoholic, and when drunk is verbally abusive. But when sober, he is the nicest, funniest, and sweetest guy."

... if only I hand a nickel.

It is probably not in your best interest to have a relationship with a man, who does not have himself under control. If he cannot control himself, he will begin, again, to behave the way he always has toward you.

All people have good and bad about their personalities. We change, adapt, understand, and cope with a myriad of traits in both our partners, and ourselves. That is just life, we are human, and imperfect at that.

To think that a person knowingly chooses not to address a very serious issue that affects his life as a partner, is to ignore that which can be changed, and choose instead to remain in that place, where others are expected to cope with them. In so doing, we become happy when a few crumbs are thrown our way. Such as him being 'on his best behaviour' as you said.

The best parts of him are apparent to you, because you know him, and I don't doubt that he is a fine person when he is sober. But, he is who he is, and you cannot disect or separate one part of him from another. He is a total package. Until he gets himself sober, and stays that way, learning how to cope and live a sober life, you will always be getting only a part of him.

Accept that too, you deserve to be treated without the burden of coping with your ex and his drinking. Everything revolves around either helping him sober up, or praying that he won't 'drink too much', which you know, takes a lot of your energy, with no long lasting result.

Allow this new man in your life, and accept that he treats you well, and respects you. It is possible to allow that relationship to be nurtured and to grow, and who knows what the future will bring.

To consider being back with your ex, having already gone through the pain of leaving him, and knowing that he has not changed, to me at least, is a step backward.

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate it. I know deep down inside that going back with him would be taking a major step backwards and that most likely he will do what he did again. It's just very difficult because I still adore him, his son, and family, and do not want to hurt him like he hurt me, but do not know how to let go or even tell him I can't take a chance of getting my heart broken again. He broke my heart more than a few times this year, and during that time was so cold and hurtful, it is difficult for me to believe that this front he is putting on in the past few months is truly a change or not.

Also apologies for my horrible grammar and word usage, running on no sleep due to school and work.

Before you can hope to go back with the ex, you do know that you'll need to fix whatever went wrong with the relationship back then, and fix it face it deal with it and resolve it, together, if you don't do this, then you could be fine for 6 months or 6 years, but it's a sure fire bet, that at sometime whatever was wrong to start with will re appear and that will also be what's behind the break up a 2nd 3rd 4th as many times as you can count, The only hope of it working is if you fix what went wrong.

Just thought you should be told of this, before you make any rash decisions.

The choice is obvious. What are you? A sucker for punishment?

It's a shame you are so torn between wasting more time on someone you already have rejected for bad behavior, and truly getting a fresh start on moving ahead with a better guy. Give the new guy a chance since the old guy had 4 years to impress you, but didn't.

The "I Can Fix Him" syndrome. You can't. Good luck when the drunken verbal abuse turns to physical abuse.

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Originally Posted by lam1225

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate it. I know deep down inside that going back with him would be taking a major step backwards and that most likely he will do what he did again. It's just very difficult because I still adore him, his son, and family, and do not want to hurt him like he hurt me, but do not know how to let go or even tell him I can't take a chance of getting my heart broken again. He broke my heart more than a few times this year, and during that time was so cold and hurtful, it is difficult for me to believe that this front he is putting on in the past few months is truly a change or not.

Also apologies for my horrible grammar and word usage, running on no sleep due to school and work.

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It sure sounds like he's putting on an act to get you back. You say he's always been a horrible alcoholic, but yet he's still drinking. He's guilting you into being with him by saying you are the only one who can keep him straight. He's the one who needs to keep himself straight. AA can help him.

If the only issue so far with the new guy is your schedules, it seems like he is someone to get to know better. I assume you'll be done with school one day and that will help with your time. Maybe you can talk to him about ways to spend more time together. Are there any minor changes you can make now?

I agree. Leave him alone. He is bad news and you know that!