Okay, here's the brief outline. I've had a crush on one of my friends for a long time and being openly gay myself, I had no problem with flirting with him (seeing as he is single).
The other night, I took him back to my flat (I was drunk, he wasn't) and one thing led to another and we ended up doing stuff. For quite a while he had always stated he was straight and when I pointed that out, he said that he was gay, but not open about it.
The next day however, he changed his mind and said he was Bisexual and started saying 'Oooh that girl looks fit', etc. Now, he didn't want us doing anything in public (which I understood, I didn't like it and yet, I kept with it). Yet once we got back to my flat, he was all over me. That following night though, he decided he was straight and wanted a relationship with women and not men; yet only when I asked where I stood in the relationship. He just wants to be mates.
I'm happy to just be friends with him, all I want is him to be happy. Yet I know (from questioning him) that he's scared of people finding out about his sexuality problem.
So it's confusing me, is he trying to live a lie and cover the truth about his sexuality or his he genuinly straight and he just wanted some fun and realised what was happening or what? I just don't understand, so any help with this would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks x

It could be he was experimenting and because he knows you're gay, you are the one he experimented with.
Since he does not seem to know what he wants, you need to leave him alone (sexually)
He just wants friendship with you then keep it that way.

That's the thing though, he's openly admitted to myself and my friend that he is gay. I thought it could have been him just experimenting, yet he didn't act like he was. He enjoyed all of it and kept wanting more. It wasn't until I turned around and said I didn't want to be a dirty secret when all of a sudden he was straight.
I do plan to leave him alone (sexualy), and I want to be there for him if he ever does come out. But at the same time, I want to help him come to terms with who he is, whether gay, bi or straight.

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Originally Posted by olebendz

I'm happy to just be friends with him, all I want is him to be happy. Yet I know (from questioning him) that he's scared of people finding out about his sexuality problem.

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Part of the problem I see is that he (and you) are trying to put a label on who he is as an individual and falling into the stereotype trap. Another part is that you are expecting him to feel a certain way about you if he is 'gay' or 'bi'. He may be expecting different emotions than the ones he experiencing.

He needs to stop thinking of his sexuality as a 'problem' and learn to accept himself no matter who he is attracted to or has feelings for. 'People' will accept him if he accepts himself. There will always be people who have something to say about anyone. Neither of you can spend your lives trying to fit or worry about how those people 'see' you.

Even if he is attracted to men on any level, I don't think his feelings for you go any deeper than a very strong friendship which in its own way is a type of love.

Accepting him as an unique individual with no labels attached is the best thing you can do for him. He has to work through the rest of his 'issues' on his own.

Maybe he is not ready to come to terms. (maybe your terms) Maybe he just wants to be who he is, no labels.
Leave him alone. If he wants help or advice as far as his sexuality is concerned let him ask you.

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Part of the problem I see is that he (and you) are trying to put a label on who he is as an individual and falling into the stereotype trap. Another part is that you are expecting him to feel a certain way about you if he is 'gay' or 'bi'. He may be expecting different emotions than the ones he experiencing.

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I'm not trying to put a label on anyone, I hate that idea, yet at the same time how can he accept anyone if he can't accept himself.
And no, I don't expect him to have feelings for me, I made that clear by being happy with just being friends.

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Maybe he is not ready to come to terms. (maybe your terms) Maybe he just wants to be who he is, no labels.
Leave him alone. If he wants help or advice as far as his sexuality is concerned let him ask you.

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Maybe my terms? What's that supposed to mean. This has nothing to do with labels, my friends is having a difficult time and he HAS asked me, that's why I'm asking people to help me so I can help him.
Why am I being made out as some villan? I just want to help my friend, there's no label wanting or feelings needed or 'my terms'. I just want some help so I can get some understanding as to what is going through his mind, so I can help him.

So it's confusing me, is he trying to live a lie and cover the truth about his sexuality or his he genuinely straight and he just wanted some fun and realised what was happening or what? I just don't understand, so any help with this would be greatly appreciated.


You have not said anything about him asking you. Only that he just wants to be friends.
You can't make a person come out unless or until he wants to.
We can't tell you what's going on in his head. Ask him.
If he wants to admit his sexual preference he will.

Did you read this part of my post:

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

He needs to stop thinking of his sexuality as a 'problem' and learn to accept himself no matter who he is attracted to or has feelings for. 'People' will accept him if he accepts himself. There will always be people who have something to say about anyone. Neither of you can spend your lives trying to fit or worry about how those people 'see' you.

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Bi, gay, straight, etc. are labels. Sometimes, we have to take a step back from trying to place a name on something and just accept it for what it is. That's why I said at the end that accepting him as himself is the greatest gift you can give him. No labels. No expectations.

I don't think you are a villain. I think you are a very caring friend who may care too much if he is still 'crushing' on his friend. I am just cautioning you to be careful that your own feelings are wanting you to guide him in a certain direction. I don't think you would consciously, but subconsciously the thought might be lurking.

He has to come to accept himself however he gets to that point. NO ONE can do that for him.

Firstly, I did state that it was only brief:

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Okay, here's the brief outline.

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You can't make a person come out unless or until he wants to.

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I don't care whether he comes out or not. That's his decision. I just want him to accept himself for who he could be, whether that is straight, gay or bi. I just need the help so I can help him decide on who he might be.

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We can't tell you what's going on in his head. Ask him.

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I know that. But some form of indications or possibilities would be helpful. Attacking me is not.

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If he wants to admit his sexual preference he will

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He has, yet he keeps on changing it, that's the point. That's why I need help so I can help him.
I'm sorry that I'm trying to be a good friend to him, I'm sorry that I'm trying to help him when he has asked me. I'm sorry that I'm brief in my descriptions and I'm not very good at explaining things.
All I want to do is HELP my friend, who HAS asked for my help. If that's a crime then lock me in prison now.

I'm not attacking you, I'm just saying he will not come out until he wants to.
He has, yet he keeps on changing it,
If he keeps changing his mind he has not accepted it.
The only thing you can do is be his friend. Let him come to decisions on his own.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Did you read this part of my post:


Bi, gay, straight, etc. are labels. Sometimes, we have to take a step back from trying to place a name on something and just accept it for what it is. That's why I said at the end that accepting him as himself is the greatest gift you can give him. No labels. No expectations.

I don't think you are a villain. I think you are a very caring friend who may care too much if he is still 'crushing' on his friend. I am just cautioning you to be careful that your own feelings are wanting you to guide him in a certain direction. I don't think you would consciously, but subconsciously the thought might be lurking.

He has to come to accept himself however he gets to that point. NO ONE can do that for him.

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Thank you for some indication, but I can honestly say that my feelings aren't that strong for him. It is only a crush, I can see where you are coming from though and I thank you. I want to direct him to somewhere where he'll be happy. If he turns around to me and says 'you know what, I don't want to ever talk of my sexuality again, I don't want to direct myself.' I'll respect that, and I will stand by his decision no matter what.

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Originally Posted by olebendz

I don't care whether he comes out or not. That's his decision. I just want him to accept himself for who he could be, whether that is straight, gay or bi. i just need the help so I can help him decide on who he might be.

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That's an example of what I mean by labeling. It is also something that you can't help him figure out except by listening to him with an extremely open mind and closed mouth. This isn't something that has a quick fix.

Let him talk. Listen. Be there for him.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I'm not attacking you, I'm just saying he will not come out until he wants to.
He has, yet he keeps on changing it,
If he keeps changing his mind he has not accepted it.
The only thing you can do is be his friend. Let him come to decisions on his own.

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But that's why I'm in a dilema, he wants my help to help him make a decision. He finds it extremely hard to say what he is thinking, I've asked what's going through his mind and he just stumbles on his words. I just want to help and I don't want him to go through all this alone.
I hope you understand =/

Unfortunately that is a decision he has to come to on his own. You tell him you are there for him no matter what decision he comes to, you can listen to him when he wants to talk, but you can't make it for him or help him make it.
That is really all you can do. Maybe he is wanting you to tell him "OK, you're gay" You can't do that. This is something he has to come to himself. And perhaps with time and maybe a bit of counseling he will.
I wish you both well

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Unfortunately that is a decision he has to come to on his own. You tell him you are there for him no matter what decision he comes to, you can listen to him when he wants to talk, but you can't make it for him or help him make it.
That is really all you can do. maybe he is wanting you to tell him "OK, you're gay" You can't do that. This is something he has to come to himself. And perhaps with time and maybe a bit of counseling he will.
I wish you both well

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Okay, I'll do my best and thank you =] x

You're welcome.

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Originally Posted by olebendz

I don't want him to go through all this alone.
I hope you understand =/

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I do. He isn't going through this alone as long he has friends like you.

You need to tell him to take that step back and don't dwell on it. He's running around in circles.

This is for him:
If he finds a woman attractive, great. If he finds a man attractive, great. Don't go farther than just accepting the attraction to trying to label it. For example: I find Cindy attractive, therefore I am straight. I find Bob attractive, therefore, I am gay. I find them both attractive so therefore I am bi. Stop at: I find x attractive. Don't add the label. The label is only confusing matters.