At the end of the month, my husband and I will make 1 year. It has been very emotional and stressful moments in our lives since we got back from our honeymoon. He would continuously drink on the weekends, and say disrespectful things about me and about my friends. I have and had been pleading with him to stop because he will loose my love. He has gotten so far as getting a DWI and wasting half of our wedding money on these dumb classes and programs for something that is not helping. He continues to drink and it is so sad to see him look this way. He is not abusive- I just I hate to see the person I love be in this state. He is a caring and kind hearted person, but after all this emotion of us fighting, I honestly do not have the urge to fight for this anymore. There is no mental or physically fire between us, we literally live like Roommates- sad, I know. I did tell him that I am unhappy and I am not ready to bring a child in, if two adults can’t be strong, no sense in bringing a child into this world. I don’t want to cheat, or have wondering eys, for I know that is not the way to make things better.

Basically, I am unhappy, and I don’t want to fight for this marriage anymore, I feel he will not change, and it will reoccur again. I have given him numerous chances; to the point my friends don’t want him around as much. We are both 30 with no kids. What I am afraid of, is facing something that I might regret. His parents will be hurt, and it hurts me to have to put them in this. My mother knows what goes on, and she did ask me to give him a chance, in which I did- but obviously it happened again with his drinking.
But right now at this moment, I just want to be by myself and enjoy myself with no stress and focus on me.I did speak to him yesterday and told him that I am unhappy and it been almost 7 months since the problems started that I felt this way.

Is this just a phase?

Thanks for reading, and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Because you can't change him or control his behavior for him, you have to do what is right for you.

IF you want to try working on yourself and your marriage, counseling might help. It could give you insight into why he is drinking and acting immature and if there is a chance he might want to change if faced with losing everything.

At very least, I think you need to contact Al-anon (Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen). They help people who have alcoholics in their families. It can be good knowing that you aren't alone. Maybe get his parents to go too so that they have a better understanding of what you are dealing with.

Separation (if not divorce) could be good for both of you. Do not threaten to leave and then not carry through. It just tells him he doesn't have to pay attention to what you say.

Leave. I have been married 22 yrs,not sure I ever loved him, and today I don't think I even like him. But I raised 5 kids, and am now dependent on him due to a breast cancer scare 5 years ago,and having left my job. I exist. Don't even know how to describe 'happy' and every smile I give seems fake. Your young, sound intelligent and can enjoy a life so do it. Life is short and goes by fast. Best of luck. Don't end up stuck.

Leave now why you still have some self respect. Living with an alcoholic will eventually destroy you.

Put yourself and your happiness first!

Basically it's doomed - leave. He's a loser you will be too if you stay.

I don't know why marriage is so disposable. Nor do I understand why it's okay for you to leave after a year because you are unhappy.

What do you think marriage is, and what made you think he'd be different after you chose to marry him.

Vows are important. In sickness and in health comes to mind. He has a problem, and other than you complaining about how it affects YOU, what have you done to address the problem with him. Fighting won't solve anything, as you've learned.

Would you dump him if he ended up in the hospital with a life threatening illness too? Or maybe if he didn't put the cap on the toothpaste?

You're in, or you are out. You cannot pick which problems to walk away from, you have a situation with your husband, that you don't seem to have done anything substantial about.

How about marriage counselling to address and bring forth your concerns (instead of condemnations) about his drinking and the resulting behaviour and stress it causes in the marriage. How about giving him a firm ultimatum to attend AA or Addiction Counselling by a certain date to get a grip on how to change his life around. Give him an opportunity, and both of you some hope- why wouldn't you at least try.

You picked him, you married him, and the problems in your marriage are not up for debate with your friends or family. This is between you and him, and both of you together have to at least try to tackle the issues.

I'm sorry to sound so annoyed, but as a woman married 35 years next week, I can tell you that you have no idea what hardships a marriage faces, nor do you have any idea what you can, and should try to do before you bail.

If you can't tackle such a huge issue with him, and make concrete steps to work toward a common goal with all that is available as far as counselling and therapy goes- to me, it says more about your lack of commitment, than his problem with alcohol. Millions have tackled their addictions and have learned to live happy, fulfilling lives. What makes you think he is not capable of the same.

Greetings,

First and most important right now is your behavior. If you are trying to hold conversations with a drunk you are spitting into the face of a hurricane. It is a complete and total wast of time and effort on your behalf.

Drunks will say anything and do anything while they are drunk.

Step one has to be to get him dried out. My dad was a raging drunk and I know what I speak of.

Put his fanny in a treatment center and dry him out. Visit him as much as possible so he will feel the connections to you.

I do not believe that you should toss in the towel yet. Is he violent towards you? Does he hit you?

If that is true, then I suggest that you head to an abuse shelter.

Again, you cannot argue with a drunk!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I don't know why marriage is so disposable. Nor do I understand why it's okay for you to leave after a year because you are unhappy.

What do you think marriage is, and what made you think he'd be different after you chose to marry him.

Vows are important. In sickness and in health comes to mind. He has a problem, and other than you complaining about how it affects YOU, what have you done to address the problem with him. Fighting won't solve anything, as you've learned.

Would you dump him if he ended up in the hospital with a life threatening illness too? Or maybe if he didn't put the cap on the toothpaste?

You're in, or you are out. You cannot pick which problems to walk away from, you have a situation with your husband, that you don't seem to have done anything substantial about.

How about marriage counselling to address and bring forth your concerns (instead of condemnations) about his drinking and the resulting behaviour and stress it causes in the marriage. How about giving him a firm ultimatum to attend AA or Addiction Counselling by a certain date to get a grip on how to change his life around. Give him an opportunity, and both of you some hope- why wouldn't you at least try.

You picked him, you married him, and the problems in your marriage are not up for debate with your friends or family. This is between you and him, and both of you together have to at least try to tackle the issues.

I'm sorry to sound so annoyed, but as a woman married 35 years next week, I can tell you that you have no idea what hardships a marriage faces, nor do you have any idea what you can, and should try to do before you bail.

If you can't tackle such a huge issue with him, and make concrete steps to work toward a common goal with all that is available as far as counselling and therapy goes- to me, it says more about your lack of committment, than his problem with alcohol. Millions have tackled their addictions and have learned to live happy, fulfilling lives. What makes you think he is not capable of the same.

---

I had to spread the rep Jake, but you are right on the money with this post.


Speaking as an alcoholic/addict, in successful recovery(15 months), I can tell you that it's not fun anymore for him. Even though he has no right to be saying disrespectful things to you, which I consider a form of abuse. He isn't a throw away quite yet.

He needs to understand that he has a problem for him to be able to truly obsorb any help. Have you talked to him at length about him getting long term help?

It sounds like most, if not all, of your problems revolve around his drinking. I agree with the ultimatum. Get help, or die all by yourself. In the meantime, Cat1864 has given you the best possible link for you to get the help that YOU need right now. Alanon can help you with everything that you are going through. My wife is a member.

Is he the Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde type drunk? Does he KNOW that he is abusive when he drinks? If he is totally oblivious, then try a video camera. Get him to understand that he is a problem drinker. Have an intervention with his family.

But the most important thing is that he is not a bad person. He is a sick person. Alcoholism is a disease. And there is help available.

Man takes a drink.
Drink takes a drink.
Drink takes the man.
-Unknown.

He needs to be detoxed, rehabilitated, and then be in a 12 step program like Alcoholics Anonymous, for life. It's working for me.

I'm clean and sober now by the grace of God, and the love of a good woman. One who promised to be by my side "through sickness and in health".

God bless you both.

I agree with jake. You have to put some more effort. We can't just leave the person we love just because they are not suiting us anymore. Get counseling for both of u. u say that he is a kind man. Maybe after more efforts, he'l understand. I totally understand what you are going through, but sometimes we have to put our priorities and happiness behind the people we love.

If we all agree that our own personal health is just as ,if not more important than that of our spouse, than one needs to take care of ones self before putting the needs of another in front of their own. You can love a person with all your soul, give them everything you have from every point of your being and if they are not activelly doing the same for you, what are you doing? Standing by your vows? Which is more important than your health? If you love him,tell him,while sober,then get to a safe place for your emotional health until he earns your total trust.That doesn't mean you are throwing him to the curb, that means you are taking care of you. If you don't, once he realizes he is the only one responsible for his lifes path,you will be a wreck emotionally, which in turn will effect your health. It takes two to make it work. The two shall become one only works if both of you are whole and equally committed to the same goals. Give him the 1 year, move out, become friends,show him what life without you is like and let him do the work he needs to to be worthy of your commitment. You need to be strong and stick to your guns. If and only if he is worth it. And listen to your head, as much as your heart. He can rely on you for phone calls to reassure him you love him, but not that you are going to stand by and allow him to destroy what love and respect you have for your love. We can support each other without throwing our souls under the train. Good luck. Been there and it's a hard lonely road.

After only a year your ready to quit? Okay can't say as I blame you. But before you do talk to the people at ALANON, and see what options you have before you make that decision.

At least get some education as to what you're facing.