Im a recovering alcoholic, raised my 4 children practically single handed. At one stage the oldest 3 were taken into care because my then 13 yr old son sexually abused my granniece aged 9 at the time. I suffered years of sexualabuse as a child , I reported my son when he did that. I drank ,I wanted out of this life I could not cope anymore.I am in theraphy 10 years ,have had a few minor relapses with alcohol in the last 10 years. My oldest son does not want to know me ,he told me he would stick a hatchet in my forehead, he is addicted to gambling and god only knows what else, he lives in another country and I have not seen him for years ,I believe he comes home to visit a woman that helped me as I was only 18 when he was born. My only daughter has 3 children, been diagnoised with bipolar last January, she is in a very abusive marriage, she can scream at me if I say the wrong thing. My son that sexually abused is inanother country seems to be doing better than his older brother and sister, seems to have turned his life around, I have some contact by phone with him. My youngest is 21,he is actually my deceased sisters son ,I have himsince he was 4 days old, my sister died of alcoholism 8 yrs ago. I am close to him. I have tryied everything to be there as a mother and granmother, all I seem to get is abuse from my daughter , everything that has happened to her in her life is my fault. I often feel I want out of this life. Please help me.

You say your daughter is in an abusive relationship.

There's the answer her partner who is abusing her will no doubt be telling her she's no good just like you or worse and in short turning her against everyone and anyone she's ever known, its all part of the controlling tactics abusers use.

All you can do is ignore what she says to you, and just be there for her, honestly it is the partner who abuses her that's making her be like this towards you, or mostly him then Ive been in a similar situation so I know what happens in an abusive relationship.

I also work with abused women after they come out of a violent or abusive relationship and many of them say they've fallen out with their Mothers, and also that the abuser told them their Mothers are no good and other nasty things, which then turns them against their Mothers.

Sad as it seems you only have your youngest boy left, the two sons in different countries will more than likely stay in those countries indefinitely, your daughter until she can get herself away from the abusive partner, will be how she is until she's free of that relationship, and she really should get out of it.

So I would suggest you take these things here into consideration, and make the most of your youngest child.

Sorry I couldn't help more, hope this though sheds some light on things for you. Good Luck and enjoy your youngest, he is obviously yours as a gift.

I have to also warn you you may never get to be on good terms with your daughter again, when abusers brain wash they brain wash, and he will have really made her think bad things about you, and abused her so say because of them..

Another factor that be could be involved is that often people look to blame someone else for their misery. And as positiveparent pointed out she has the additional influence of an abusive spouse brain washing her also.

Children who seem to have great parents and are given what appears to be all anyone could want still turn out hating their parents and making a total mess out of their lives and those around them.

Try to be strong and keep on being there for the grandkids in particular. It sounds like they need all the positive influence they can get. I am sorry it has been so hard for you to try to provide it.

Positiveparent has given you some great insight that will hopefully be of some comfort.

I helped in every way I could with my granchildren, I love them so much. Now she will not let me see them, I have left myself short many times to give to her and husband. Any time I ever visited them he would not utter 2 words to me . He would sit at computer and ignore everyone, never helping my daughter out with the children. My daughter has told me things he has said and done to her, then if I say anything she turns it around onme and say I was talking about him , it is so sick my nerves are shattereed at this stage. Not sure if it is my daughters bipolar ,his abuse ,or did I do too much.

Unfortunately the situation is out of your control. There is little you can do when the other parties are being unreasonable and selfish.
Again , try to be strong and hope they will see that you need to see your grandchildren and they need to be part of your life.

I pray to God that they will change for your sake and their own and that of the grandchild. And may God grant you strength.

Thank you all so much for replying ,you are all giving me much needed strength . My 5yr old gandaughter rang me last night to ask if she could stay with me for a week as her mother is going on holidays.I told her I would love to have herand I asked her if it is where she would ike to stay for the week, I would not like to think its just what her mother [ my daughter] wants. She did not come on the phone herself.

Hi Ann1960
Im pleased you came back and have left us updates, That's great that your G/Daughter is going to stay with you for a week, seems he hasn't started to poison the children's minds which is great because at least you'll get to have time with them.

Something else I think I should advise you of, this being that its better if you don't mention anything of what's been told to you here to your Daughter, who would in turn tell her partner and he would then possibly try to put a stop to you even seeing her or the gran children, with controllers and abusers they try to eliminate anything from their partners lives that could possibly stop them having that control, they're really nasty pieces of work, so if you ever do mention that you've been advised about this, I suggest you choose your words wisely, and not say something that's going to antagonise the abuser.

I could be wrong but going on what Ive seen and also what I know, the abuser will do whatever he can to alienate the partner from any form of support.

Please feel free to come back here at anytime, and give us updates.

We`re here to help and that's what we do whenever we can.

Also please know you haven't done anything wrong, and neither has your daughter, she is the victim of an abuser, she possibly has no idea of how much her life is controlled by this person, he's altered her view of reality, and she only knows what he is telling her , and that's through his own warped perception, in all honesty they both need help him to overcome his abusive controlling nature and your daughter to be shown its not her at fault, Whether they'll ever get that help is another story, they might in time, with luck.

Just remember its not you.