Ask Me Help Desk - Cheating Detail Catch 22

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 5 years. 1 1/2 years ago I founf out that he had cheated on me, of course I was a wreck, I never thought he was capable, anyway, he had relationships/cheating 3 other times that I know of. At first I left him because of the cheating and lies, then a few months later I took him back because I loved him and missed him and I had also decided that if I choose to stay w/him, I have to let go of the past. Problem was, I wanted to know the details about every woman and relationship. I've been feeling for along time that he doesn't think I'm good enough for him or he wishes he could have different or better. He says he loves me, but because of money and work he has been really stressed lately and treating me horribly. So I, once again felt scared he'll cheat and I needed to know he isn't doing that. He said I could trust him and all those questions I had for him before he is now willing to answer. Also, we aren't really having sex at all, maybe 1 time a month and that REALLY doesn't work for me.

So of course this is the best and wosrt moment, but I needed to know, to know if my intuition is right or wrong. I asked questions and just listened, I made no comment and tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible... Now I have discovered I am right, thatI have been feeling insecure because after all these years I feel like I can read his mind. So basically I feel horrible because I always suspected but now I know I am not his ideal, not on the outside or on the inside. He said something that hurt more than anything, that is wasn't what some of these women look like, but also how they carried thenselves and that is what makes these women "so beautiful attractive". Hes never once talked about the way I carry myself and he has made comments about not liking my body and maybe that's why we aren't having sex. Says I'm too skinny, but I'm 5'3 and weight 140, I'm faaaaar from skinny.

Anyway, he's scared we are going to break up now and I'm scared because I don't know what to do, I just feel terrible and I'm suppose to be deciding if we stay together or not. I'm leaning towards not, UNLESS someone can give me some great advice on how to look and this situation and deal with it.

Your advice and opinion is SO appreciated!
Thanks so much!

I can't tell you what to do but you have a huge decision to make and you need to make it alone as you know best what you want. Is it posibble for a separation from each other? If you decide to stay without counseling, I think the same patterns will continue, as the same problems are there waiting to be resolved. How old are you and are there kids involved?

I want you to think about all this pain your in now. Think about how long you've been in this pain. Do you like it? If you don't then you've got to go now and start preparing for a future without him. He's going to cheat on you again, if he isn't already. Why prolong the pain. It's over. In fact it sounds like the relationship was over a few years ago. The both of you just didn't physically leave each other.

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Originally Posted by chuff

I want you to think about all this pain your in now. Think about how long you've been in this pain. Do you like it? If you don't then you've got to go now and start preparing for a future without him. He's going to cheat on you again, if he isn't already. Why prolong the pain. It's over. In fact it sounds like the relationship was over a few years ago. The both of you just didn't physically leave each other.

Thanks so much for your response, yes it is true the relationship was over. No, I don't like pain, but it's strange how I can separate the pain and my love for him.. anyways it's over now, we both flew home together for x-mas to see our families, needless to say he didn't care to see me while we ar both back home, and I know he has cheated, if not by sex then emotions.
Tonight he left me, said he didn't me. We just moved to southern cali and I don't have a job yet, we live together and now he's stranded with no place to go... He bought a round trip for both of us, I want to go back to cali and the day we are suppose to go he told me he's cancel my ticket. He says it'll hurt tooo bad for him to see me and I understand a little bit, he's the one that left, anyway he told me I have no right steeping into HIS house, I thought it was our house, told me that I don't have any rights to get my stuff from his house... I just don't want him going through my things. He is going to have to go straight to work once we land, so seems like to me that, he won't be home...
Anyway, I've loved him with all of me and was never appreiated, never.. my heart is breaking horribly right now, but I don't want to to hurt, I should be relived and stll it's s sad when a grown man only relays on his parents opinion/advice.

I just am not too sure on how to move on and cope with this healthfully.

Thanks!!

Quote:

I just am not too sure on how to move on and cope with this healthfully.

Get your stuff, if you need the police call them. Cut all contact with him, ALL CONTACT. Get a life that you enjoy without this chump. Don't look back, or have regrets. Good luck.

I agree with Tal, you have every right to get your own stuff and you will have to call the police to be able to do it.

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Originally Posted by truthtrumpsall

Thanks so much for your response, yes it is true the relationship was over.

Your welcome. I'm glad you are realizing that.

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Originally Posted by truthtrumpsall

No, I don't like pain, but it's strange how I can seperate the pain and my love for him..

Sure it takes time. But that love you “feel” might also be disguised as fear. Many times when people break up, especially after going out or being married for a long time, they start to fear being alone. To compensate for they begin to make excuses and say that they love the person.

I'm sure that you do love him, but recognize that it probably isn't love that's making this decision hard on you. It's probably the fear of starting over, or dealing with the loss. That usually creates pain which most people like to avoid. So when your feeling the emotion of pain change the meaning from loss or starting over to one freedom, gratefulness, excitement, or even a free education in what to look for next time. Make the pain mean something and give it new meaning and it won't last as long, and it will serve a purpose for you too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by truthtrumpsall

anyways it's over now, we both flew home together for x-mas to see our families, needless to say he didn't care to see me while we ar both back home, and I know he has cheated, if not by sex then emotions.

Good. I say because it beats never knowing for sure. Now you can be comfortable in your decision to leave.

Quote:

Originally Posted by truthtrumpsall

Tonight he left me, said he didn't me. We just moved to southern cali and I don't have a job yet, we live together and now he's stranded with no place to go...He bought a round trip for both of us, I want to go back to cali and the day we are suppose to go he told me he's cancel my ticket. He says it'll hurt tooo bad for him to see me and I understand a little bit, he's the one that left,

It might hurt him to see you. But that's not your problem anymore. Start putting yourself first.

Quote:

Originally Posted by truthtrumpsall

anyways he told me I have no right steeping into HIS house, I thought it was our house, told me that I don't have any rights to get my stuff from his house...I just don't want him going through my things.

Well, who's paying for that house? It might just be yours. If you pay anything on the mortgage you sure do have some ownership of it. Either way the stuff in your home that belongs to you is your property. Go get it. If he refuses call the police. The police will stand there while you get your stuff and if he says anything they usually shut him up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by truthtrumpsall

he is going to have to go straight to work once we land, so seems like to me that, he won't be home..... Anyways, i've loved him with all of me and was never appreiated, never..my heart is breaking horribly right now, but I don't want to to hurt, I should be relived and stll it's s sad when a grown man only relays on his parents opinion/advice.

Well some people take time to grow up. You know it's not like you hit 18 and suddenly you're an adult. By the law you are but by your actions no. I know a woman that is probably in her early 60's and acts so immature that it blows me away. I'm not lying when I say I've seen 10 year olds act better. But that's just the way it is with some people.

That being said, you saw that when you were going out so you can't put the full blame on him. You need to pay attention to that stuff next time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by truthtrumpsall

I just am not too sure on how to move on and cope with this healthfully.

Thanks!!!

Get your stuff then cut off all contact. Then get a job. Any job. Flipping burgers at McDonald's even. Anything. It will give you a sense of purpose, some income, and keep you busy.

You have to make your own decision but it doesn't look good from here. AS others will tell you, "once a cheater, always a cheater." And he's done it 3 times (that you know of) so far. To top it all off, he's made comments that suggest that you don't fit his mold. I think you deserve better than this and should give some serious thought to ending it now before you get hurt any more.

You sure do have your hands full on this decision. This decision has to be made on your own. You have plenty things to consider in this situation.
1) He has a history of deception. This is not a good sign. Like S_cianci said, once a cheater always a cheater.
2) You feel like you are not his ideal. If you feel like this, then he is not the one for you.
3) He made comments about not liking your body. He does not appreciate you.

You deserve to be treated way better than this if you are contributing 100% and he is contributing 45%.

I want to say THANKS!! To everyone of you who spent your time and energy to help me with this horribly sad situation.
I think you are all right and I have come to the conclusion he isn't the man for me. I can do this and I will be strong and not talk with him, there is just no point.
So, yes, I'm hurt and still shocked at the way I've let him treat me for 9 years, it's killed my spirit and I'm ready to start living again.

I can't thank you enough!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by truthtrumpsall

I want to say THANKS!!!!!! to everyone of you who spent your time and energy to help me with this horribly sad situation.
I think you are all right and I have come to the conclusion he isn't the man for me. I can do this and I will be strong and not talk with him, there is just no point.
So, yes, I'm hurt and still shocked at the way I've let him treat me for 9 years, it's killed my spirit and i'm ready to start living again.

I can't thank you enough!!!!

I just want to say your spirit has not been killed. It's hiding and after awhile when it see's that it's all right to come back out again it will reappear.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

I just want to say your spirit has not been killed. It's hiding and after awhile when it see's that it's alright to come back out again it will reappear.

Thanks:-) I hope you're right.

I feel your pain I'm going through a bad break up now.I read this qoute and it seems to ease my pain a little I hope it helps you

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do...

Wouldn't it be wonderful if our first love could be our one and only love, forever and ever, amen? Well, surely you know by now that life is not like that. People come and go in our lives, taking a little piece of our heart with them. As difficult or painful as it may be, that is exactly what they should do. We have more than enough love to share and spare, and we should give it freely. When we love for a reason it feels good to give love, because we get what we give. When we have a seasonal love, it is a whirlwind love, preparing us for something better. When those very special people come into our lives, we can and do love them forever. Loving is not what causes our emotional damage, it is the attempt to throw people out of our hearts and minds. When we love reasonably for the season we are in, we will undoubtedly enjoy a lifetime of loving.