Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend was molested, And sometimes we have problems in bed?

We have been together for 6 months now. I love her very much. She told me that she was molested, by a friends father. I let her know that I'm here for here when she needs me. At time when we r having sex she will look like something is on her mind. And at times I'm not sure what it is. If it's me, if maybe I'm just not doing a good job, or making her happy in bed. So I get scared and start to think I'm doing it wrong. I know I'm an emotional person and I can be hard on myself. But today we got into a big fight about how the reason is because she was molested, and at times it's still in her mind. But that also hurts me because then I think am I doing something to make her think of that situation. I don't want to hurt her at all. The fight we had today was kind of bad. I don't know what to do. I also get pushy with things because we had fights before and she gets distance with me. Because I'm the type of person that likes to talk and fix things and she is the type of person that would rather think about it for a while before we talk. But I just think surtin things should be talked about. Like I said I know I'm pushy at times. But I feel like things are on her time. I want to be there for her let here know I love her so much and I want to work things out... help

I can only suggest counseling. One on one and couples.

That's a good idea. I just feel like I'm the one hurting all the time. Not to sound like a B, but I feel like I try to make thing better. And I try to be understanding even when it's her fault. She says I just need to relax and calm down. Do you think I'm being to pushy? And if so what can I do to be more understanding and paitient? It's hard for me because I'm the type that wants to fix the problem, and make us happy. Please don't get me wrong she is a great person just distant:/...

The talking about the molesting shouldn't be between the two of you, but should be between her and a counselor (with you added into the mix as the counselor wishes). Your girlfriend needs to get herself together in a way that has nothing to do with her relationship to you.

If you want to "fix" this for right now between the two of you, stop asking for sex from her, since sex reminds her of the molesting.

How old are you?

You are only responsible for your happiness. She is the only one responsible for her happiness. You can make her unhappy. She can do the same for you. You will grow crazy and bitter. Don't play that game it isn't worth it.

I, too, would like to know how old you both are.

Just to add this in not that it's important, but we are both women. I'm 25 and she is 27. Like everyone I enjoy sex, but I never push it, well the other night I did, because we were talking about how it's been almost a week since we had sex. But I beg for it, or make her feel bad I we don't have it. But I will I will back off and let her come to me if she wants to have sex. I know I think I'm to hard on myself, I just wish she was more open with her emotions something's. So I won't feel like I have to guess what's on her mind or what makes her upset. I will try and remember that, that I can only control my feelings. And I don't think she is willing to go to a counselor. It's kind of hard for her to open up. I try and be paitent with her and our communication. Because I know it can be hard sometimes to open up..
How can I learn to be more relax?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurtingoverlove66

And I don't think she is willing to go to a counselor. It's kinda hard for her to open up. I try and be paitent with her and our communication. Because I know it can be hard sometimes to open up..
How can I learn to be more relax?

Then YOU go to a counselor to get help with how to approach and deal with your girlfriend and how to relax. Your girlfriend might be asked to come in for a session or two and will find out counseling isn't so horrible after all. Actually, counseling is kind of fun. My clients are always surprised how fun and stress-relieving it is.

You are dealing with a person who has been molested. Her fears and feeling are real whether you understand them or not.
It's not something she can "get over" just because you want sex or you feel bad.
Talk your friend into going to counseling and if she won't go, if this relationship is important to you, you go.

It could also be she is not into having sex with you. I think you two need to have a conversation apart from sex. Like where the relationship is going or if it is going anywhere.

Hurting--

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurtingoverlove66

She told me that she was molested, by a friends father. I let her know that I'm here for here when she needs me.

Good for you. This is a positive thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurtingoverlove66

At time when we r having sex she will look like something is on her mind. And at times I'm not sure what it is. If it's me, if maybe I'm just not doing a good job, or makeing her happy in bed. So I get scared and start to think I'm doing it wrong. I know I'm an emotional person and I can be hard on myself.

You can only do it as well as you know and how she has taught you. You can't expect yourself to be a love guru. Physically, make sure she knows that if you're doing something wrong let you know so you can learn how to please her and vice versa. Communication shouldn't stop because the clothes have come off.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurtingoverlove66

But today we got into a big fight about how the reason is because she was molested, and at times it's still in her mind. But that also hurts me because then I think am I doing something to make her think of that situation. I don't want to hurt her at all. The fight we had today was kinda bad. I don't know what to do.

People who experience emotional trauma will usually have a trigger that will cause them to go remember/relive the events. For war veterans fireworks might trigger a flashback and they'll relive a episode of the war. For a rape victim a strong voice or dominating manner might trigger it and they'll end up and useless cry heap on the floor.

Finding out what triggers it will help because you can avoid doing what triggers her. Ignorance is an explanation here. You can't be held responsible for triggering her if you don't know what you did. You are carrying a lot of undeserved guilt.

You can't do anything. You can fix her. Maybe no one can. All you can do is be there and be supportive. Listen when she needs to talk. Hold her when she's crying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurtingoverlove66

I also get pushy with things because we had fights before and she gets distance with me. Because I'm the type of person that likes to talk and fix things and she is the type of person that would rather think about it for a while before we talk. But I just think surtin things should be talked about. Like I said I know I'm pushy at times. But I feel like things are on her time. I want to be there for her let here know I love her so much and I want to work things out.... help

Bad! Naughty! Being pushy and forcing her to talk, deal, and fix this will push her farther in. Molestation is usually done by a person in a power of trust and dominance. The act itself is the molester dominating the victim. He is asserting his control and power over the victim.

The hard thing to hear is that you're starting to do the same. She is going to be more submissive then she should be. So you are starting to play the dominance/submissive game with her and this is exactly the opposite thing to what you want to do.

So what can you do. Stop being pushy. When she wants to talk she will. When she trusts you enough she will come to you. Counselling will go far for her. It will let her deal with it. Sex at this point should be off the menu unless she initiates.

I was raped. I have some idea what the girlfriend is going through.

I had flashbacks in certain situations for some time - I still cannot be pinned down during sex. I must have the ability to move my legs (particularly).

The very last thing I need or needed was someone (anyone) pushing me for details, constantly reassuring me that he (in my case) was "there for me," and particularly discussing sex "all the time" or asking for sex "all the time."

I am very fortunate to have found a man who loved me, who understood, who never once pushed me in any direction, who treated this very much as something bad that happened in my past but something that wasn't going to affect our relationship. He respected my boundaries when I needed him to and if I had a flashback, well, then it happened and we talked about it (if I wanted to) and it became a part of our past. He has since died and I have been blessed with another husband who feels exactly the same.

When you have been violated in this fashion you don't simply pick up and go on and all the "I'm with you all the way, I'm here for you" is pretty meaningless if that same person is pushing and pushing and making it worse.

In my case the people who were there for me listened when I wanted to talk and otherwise just let it go -

I think you have to back off.

Hi OP, your g/f was raped, and because of that she doesn't want constantly reminding of it, you cannot "fix" it for her no matter what you do, and by your wanting her to talk to you about it you're opening up old wounds, wounds she will not want to have re -opened.

Being raped is a horrible inhuman violation of ones body, it hurts it degrades and it damages the person whose been raped psyche, and the last thing on earth that person wants is to be constantly reminded of it, she will come to terms with it in her own way but you bringing it up is going to make it so much harder for her to do this, unless you've been raped you won't have a clue as to what she's going through...

Don't bring it up don't expect reassurances from her about your performance, don't push for sex, because sometimes when you've been raped the last thing you want is sex.

Be patient be loving be understanding be silent, be supportive, you're rushing her to face something she's not ready to deal with and you can't change that but please stop telling her you want to "fix" it you cannot "fix" rape...

Just be yourself, with her, and let her be the same.

Whilst I agree certain things in a relationship should be talked over or discussed rape is NOT one of them rape is very much a personal thing especially to the victim.

I did not read that the op's girlfriend was raped. Molestation is different- groping, inappropriate touching, rubbing, fondling, but it is not rape.

That does not imply that it has a different psychological effect by any stretch of the imagination. Sexual assault is an assault, and we know nothing of the circumstances surrounding that. Her age, when it happened, how often it happened, whether there was any intervention, counselling, etc.

Judy offered the best advice, and that is to respect her enough to know her own self- what she is comfortable with, when she feels she needs to talk, and respect for silence when she does not wish to discuss this.

This may not have as much to do with being molested as you imply. Perhaps you are looking for a reason, and that it couldn't possibly be you.

Your question, "My girlfriend was molested, And sometimes we have problems in bed?" I'm saying that you may lack enough sensitivity to realize that this isn't about you, by deciding that the problems with sex are due to her being molested. So, in a way, you deciding the bed problems are because of trauma that she suffered, that that must be the problem.

Separate the issues. Talk to her, and try not to make any assumptions. There could be many reasons she's not as sexual with you as you'd like her to be. Maybe a stressful job, maybe worry about bills, etc. There could be many reasons, not only in the context you have implied.

It is all too easy to jump to conclusions about others, when they affect us. See what you can learn about her on a broader scale, do some research on what you learn about her being molested, and maybe cool your jets for a while.