Why did she ask for space and continue to call and email?
Hi you,
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my post. I didn't know where else to turn with this and it means so much to be able to come here for help. (deep breath) Here goes...
I met this beautiful-crazy-silly-intelligent-girl online. My first online relationship and also the first time I have ever been attracted to a woman. Its been going on since February. I have gotten scared of my feelings for her and gone back and forth with us continuing our relationship. Part of my fear is her online reputation. It is all very negative. Basically, she is an admitted "troll" (can, someone explain what that means exactly?) and, she has posted private information about some of the people she trolls online. I am not involved in that part of her world. I do know about it and it bothers me. She says it just something she does for fun. Maybe I just do not understand what a troll is and what they do. It seems mean.
My friends think I am lonely and finally feeling better after my divorce and have latched on to someone giving me attention. I have wondered this myself. I really am attracted to her personality and love talking to her. It feels like floating. Deliriously erotic. But, then I get super scared. It is so confusing. I feel simultaneously lost and found. Weak and strong. Comfort/Demise. It really is that intense. At times its too much and this engulfing fear takes over and I begin to question our entire relationship. I push and pull. And, all this back & forth has me beyond confused. She says she knows I am scared and understands why I can't do it and then I can. But all of the Yes, no's, blocks, adds have taken a toll on our friendship. It is so unhealthy and it's not right to do to her. I don't know how to explain it but its not coming from a malice place in me and it is not me playing games. I don't know what it is.
But, its no wonder she asked for space. "I need some space. Can I just have some space?" In a way I was relieved. I thought it was a wise request. Made sense. Good idea. I understand it, can relate and it also took the worry out of "will we talk tonight" "will she call" "should i write."
So when she called that very night I was really surprised. I answered and she was completely normal as if all of these issues did not exist. I didn't know what to do really. We never really talk about things - we kind of just wait until we think its blown over and pick right back up. I knew I couldn't do that anymore. So, I decided that regardless of her actions she still asked for space and I was going to do my best to honor that for both of us. So, I didn't respond to emails or calls. Until last night. Her emails "If you are going to play games find someone else" "Its clear you will never trust me" "I don't know what you want anymore. What do you want" I responded "I have told you/showed you what I want for the last 3 months" Its true. I wrote her expressing my feelings and attraction to her many times in many different ways. (some rather naughty) But, maybe all my back and forth negates everything I have said and expressed.
Could that be the problem? Since responding last night I already feel the cycle we are in is repeating itself. Nothing is ever resolved. She didn't like that I was not responding and I don't like that she seems incapable of conflict resolution. I guess I have two questions (I hope that is okay)
Why did she ask for space and continue contacting me?
How do I stop being so afraid?
Thank you for taking the time to read and if anyone would like to provide overall thoughts on this entire situation I would be very grateful.
We have had some issues with the trolling stuff and a few times she asks me if I am so&so online account and it offends me because I have nothing to do with any of it. I have one fb account, one twitter account and both under my real names. She says she just gets paranoid and apologizes for asking. I don't see what is so fun about this trolling.
Comment on talaniman's post
Thank you for your response. I read the entire thing. What a mess. Horrifying really. I guess I feel pretty vulnerable realizing I shared so much with someone who provokes people for entertainment. *sigh*
I blocked her and filtered gmail.
Comment on Wondergirl's post
Thank you Wondergirl. I have blocked her.
Comment on vanheart's post
Hi Vanheart :)
No, never met her.
I think getting out more is a good idea. I have totally isolated myself since my divorce. Starting over has been challenging.
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.
