The middle paragraphs kind of turn into a rant, and I apologize. If it's tldr, you can skip to the last paragraph...

Background, BF's living situation: He rents a house with his brother and his brother's wife, SIL, so we all have to see each other on a fairly frequent basis.

In the beginning, SIL and I got along fairly well, but very quickly she became a raging YouCan'tMakeMeSayIt. Towards the end, she stopped talking to me altogether, and even takes great lengths to pretend I'm not in the room-- even if I address her directly. She ignores me, but if BF pays her the same compliment or asks her the same question that I did, she directs her answer only at him. When she's pissed at me for something, she directs her comments at BF ("Can you tell HER that she needs to stop being such a slob?") even if I am sitting right next to him.

As for the slob accusations, that is entirely unfair... while she was pregnant AND moving into the new house AND trying to organize her wedding, I would frequently try to help out by taking out the trash or doing dishes, or sweeping up a bit because I noticed that if I didn't the trash would sit and stink, the dishes would mold, and the floors would be muddy, because every one else was too busy to do anything about it. But all she had to say on the subject was that I was doing it all wrong, and she didn't want me to help any more... and that's when the Slob accusations started, because I'm not ALLOWED to clean up after myself any more.

She'd rage that I'd eat their food, then when I bring over my own drinks or snacks, she'd throw them out unless I hid them in BF's bedroom. Same with shampoos and toilet paper... But when MotherInLaw is over the house, she fakes sweet to me and tries to get chit-chatty.

BF and I have had very serious talks about our relationship, and at one point we were considering getting our own place together. If our relationship leads to marriage, that means I am permanently stuck with this miserable woman as a SIL... For now, when Mom or Dad are around she behaves herself, but I know that won't last long... What am I supposed to do?

Middle paragraph is fine.

My question is, Why is she in charge? You can clean up after yourself if you like. Will she physically stop you from washing your dishes? I'd like to see her try!

And your boyfriend should stand up to her if she is rude to you in his presence. What does he say when she calls you a slob? My advice is do not live with her under any circumstances. You should be able to marry whomever you like, but if he's not standing up for you at all, I would reconsider him as a spouse.

Also, what do YOU say when she's rude to you? Do you tell her to speak to you with more respect?

Are you actually living there? If so, are you paying rent, and doing your share of chores, including cutting grass, washing windows, scrubbing out the bathroom?

If you aren't living there, it sounds like you are spending too much time with them. Why not have your boyfriend over to your house, or better still, the two of you get your own place.

The living arrangements sound a little crowded to me.

But, if you are paying your way, you are certainly entitled to speak your mind, and stick up for yourself.

Whenever she yells at me and calls me a slob, I very sweetly say "yes" and clean up after myself as though she had asked me civilly. On normal people, this tactic makes them embarrassed and then they calm down a bit and stop speaking to me like that. With her, it just serves to infuriate her more.

Brother has tried talking with her about it. He's even had fights with her about it, because it's not just me-- although I am potentially the biggest problem. Eventually he gave up, and now whenever she starts acting like that he says as though she can't hear him, "God, what a *explicative*!" And then she goes in the next room and starts slamming dishes.

As for BF, he's taken to the same tactic. Whenever she's ignoring me and addressing him, he stops her and says "You know you're being a complete *explicative*, right?" And then she goes into the next room and starts slamming dishes.

I forgot to mention an argument BF and SIL had this afternoon about a threatening email she sent me, saying that I should never Like another Facebook photo of people in HER family (which is also BF's family), or send Mother In Law any more Farmville messages, and that I'm annoying, dumb, and ugly. She made up a "new girlfriend" that replaced me this summer since I had been seeing him less because of school. Then she ended it with "I'd better not have to tell you this again." I told BF about the email, and he tore her a new one. She acted all remorseful and apologetic, but I know she's just sorry she got caught.

I'm ready to call the cops on her if she sends me another email like that, but I'm sure that wouldn't endear me to the Family very much.

Jake: No, I wouldn't say that I spend too much time at their house... this summer I haven't been able to make it out there, so for the past two and a half months BF and I have been meeting up exclusively at my place. Before that, though, I would be there three nights a week:

I would arrive at 9:30 or later, well after Brother and SIL had gone to bed. BF and I would watch a movie, and then we would go to bed. We would wake up after SIL and Brother had already left the house for work the next morning. So, yes I was there quite often-- but she hardly ever saw me.

I'm going out on a limb here, but if her own husband and his brother are BOTH calling her an *expletive,* and she's trying to cope with a new baby, I'm thinking that she is having a really hard time and she sees you as someone she can take it out on--like you are low in the pecking order.

I'm glad to hear he's standing up for you, but sorry to hear it consists of calling her names. Not sure what I would do. I think she needs help of one kind or another... Not sure what kind though. But it sounds like her husband and your boyfriend are NOT making things better.

I bet jake and some other people will have more insights.

I think that, for what you have said so far, she sounds to me that she's the head of the house, followed by her husband, her brother, and then you, as asking said.

For some reason, she may see you as just 'more work', in that she has an extra person to pick up after, or the shower needs cleaned more than it did, or that you are eating their food, etc. No offence, but, if it were my home, and you were there three nights a week, that would be two too many, especially sleeping over.

IF that's what's bothering her, it would have been better for her to just say so, but, like you, she runs the risk of alienating her brother, so instead, she's just miserable. But, for her to be that miserable, I'm just saying, perhaps you wore out your welcome.

As to the email, that is very immature of her, but I see no reason to call the police if she throws insulting comments your way.

The only thing I can think of, is that you are friends with your boyfriends mother. Why not go on your own to her place, and just have a talk with her. Tell her that you feel badly that you and his sister in law seem to lock horns and clash. See what she says. You may not have much clout though, you are 'only' a girlfriend', and not a fiancé, or wife.

But, despite how she treats you, mostly in her own home, you going back and staying three nights a week like you were, was really asking for trouble. I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't want you around, or prefers that you weren't around. So, now that you've put some distance between yourself and her, just grin and bear it.

You can't change her, but you can control your contact with her, and how you respond to her. Treat her cordially no matter what you do, because if your boyfriend at some point pulls away from his family because of you, it will be a lot worse than it is right now.

The issue with the email was not the insult, but rather the THREAT she included. And even though I haven't been in her house for over two months, she is still seeking me out to harass me. THAT is the issue.

The name-calling-- while I do not approve, the times they do call her out is when she is literally two inches from my face screaming at me over a dirty sock in my BOYFRIEND's bedroom.

And I will repeat: The times I am at their house are times when the Brother and SIL are not even home, or if all four of us are asleep. I was there upwards of three nights a week, but I was contributing to the grocery bill, cleaning up after myself, and I only ran into her for a couple of hours every few days.

She has also started fights with BF because he'd spend the night at my house; she used to demand to know where he was, who he was with, and how long he'd be out.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by omgtoast

She has also started fights with BF because he'd spend the night at my house; she used to demand to know where he was, who he was with, and how long he'd be out.

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Okay. This is definitely sounding weird. Sounds like she feels married to both brothers. If she is jealous, that would explain her obsession with you. Pursuing you when you haven't been there for two months... Just knowing you are out there.

Was your boyfriend ever involved with her, even just emotionally? It sounds like she's extremely threatened by you. How close are you to her husband? Is that a factor? Do you hang out with both brothers while she's at home with the baby?

It seems to me that she has some emotional problems. I am back on, "She needs help." But I'm still looking to see if there any ways that you or your boyfriend have contributed to the situation--something you can alter.

Another "Yes But..."

In the beginning, she would tell me things like "You don't need to knock anymore, just come on in," and "Help yourself," to the things in the fridge. And she was the one who told me where they keep their spare key outside the house just in case I got to their house before BF was home from work. And on two occasions before she suddenly decided that I was the devil incarnate, she made up excuses to get BF and his brother out of the house and leave the two of us alone together for a half hour just to chit chat.

When I saw things were getting strained, I asked her if, once the baby was born, I should invite BF to my place more often instead so that the family could have more privacy, and she said no not at all. When the baby came I ended up staying away anyway until Christmas.

So if she had an issue with me being over their house too often, she had every opportunity to tell me so, or to tell BF so, and we could have changed things.

I'm sorry.. I know I'll get some disagrees on this... but you need to stop being a lady for ten minutes and let the cards fall where they may.

Tell her what you think of her in no uncertain terms and that you are not putting up with it anymore.

Tell her she has pushed and pushed and you are tired of it.
Be sure your BF is there just in case she does go off.

If this is bad advice I'm sorry, but a person can take so much. She's a kook, a bully and needs to be put in ger place. She may have a thing for your BF!

Bring on the Reddies.

In a way, I agree with Kit, maybe a conversation, direct to the point, is in order.

On the other hand, maybe taking the high road, not complaining, just giving her all the space she needs, and keeping your distance is the answer.

On the third hand, keeping your distance now may put you in better regard, should you yourself get married. Once you are truly a part of the family, you would have far more say, and if she is as she is now, I'd say go confront her.

But, maybe just keeping to yourself more, worrying less, and letting the storm pass is the best move.

I think staying out of the thick of things is the best option right now.

But if the actions of your boyfriend and his brother seem to draw you into conflict with her, I would look at that and think about what it might mean. I am not saying that is happening, but something about the post made me wonder.