Hi! I was wondering if you could help me.

Im 25 years old and my husband is 27. We’ve been together since we were 18 and we decided to get married three years ago. We now have a 16 month old child. We’ve never had any big problems in our marriage, but he left me recently. He said he needed his freedom. He felt like there was no passion in the relationship and he no longer wants to feel like he’s in a jail cell. He lost a lot of weight recently and women and men look at him a lot. Maybe it went to his head a little. He left two weeks ago and lives at his mom’s house. He comes to see our son twice a week and calls almost everyday. He always wants to stay on the phone to talk to me about his plans to rent an apartment and live freely. When I ask him if he wants to get back with me, he says he doesn’t know. When I insist on having an answer, he says : « Well if you need an answer now, then no I don't want to. » Somethimes he sounds angry and says, « when I was a good man, you didn’t appreciate me, now its too late. I’ll provide for my son, but I can't get back with you.» My mother thinks that if he loved me, he would not let me suffer and cry so much. His mother thinks I should try to go out to restaurants and movies with him so he can remember what he once loved about me. I don't know what to do. I’ve never been with any other man in my life and I feel like he’s hurt me so much. In the last six months, he rarely spent time with me, he was impatient all the time and said a lot of mean things like : « I don't want to leave now because of my son, maybe I need to wait until my finance are better to leave, I’ll never get anywhere if I stay with you, life with you is boring, I don't love you the same way I used to etc. » Also, we only had sex once or twice a month and I ALWAYS took initiative. He says the sex with me was never awesome, just OK. He also can't stand it when our son cries a lot and he never enjoyed family activities.

Im reallly hurt, but I think I want him back. Is there hope and should I want him back?

There's always hope - the question is what do want, what does he want? You can't make someone love you or want to be with you.

I trust you have filed for support for your child? At some point - if he stays away - you will need to ask the Court to set visitation guidelines.

Sometimes talking to a professional can help you understand or at least help you feel better about yourself.

Question is going to be whether you want this verbal abuse in your life.

From what you posted I am doubtful that any hope of getting back together remains. And I am sorry this is happening to you.

And you shouldn't want someone in your life that is a source of pain and conflict. But when you love someone it will not be easy to put them out of your life , but is necessary to begin to heal.

I would stop contact or limit it to enough conversation to arrange visits with his son. And that's it. No small talk , no chat , information exchange only.

Get an attorney asap and clarify custody and visits and child support.

None of this is going to be easy. It is a painful , stressful experience that will require will power and strength enough to to do things you hate the thought of.

But none of it will even approach the pain, scars , and damage that dragging a dead relationship around will cause.

Start your mindset in the direction of looking out for you and your son. You and he are paramount , and must be considered first.

I have seen so many situations like yours be dragged on with "hope to get back together" . And this opens you up for abuse, being taken advantage, more pain, financial loss, trauma to the children and more. I recall nothing constructive being accomplished.

Hopefully you will look back through the sorrow at this and see it as a change for the better.


May God bless and help you to make the right choices for you and your son.

Should you want him back? The heart wants what the heart wants, and it's natural to want what you don't/can't have.

I agree with Martinizing... as much as it hurts, it would be in your best interest to take care of yourself and child NOW by seeking legal counsel. If you two never get back together, you will need to establish your majority rights, or even full custody rights, to the child. You don't want the headache of custody battles in the future. Take notes daily on when he comes to see his child, when he calls, who he asks to talk to, how long the calls are, what time(s) he calls, etc. This will establish a pattern of his behavior with the child and also help you realize what is happening... maybe be the wake up call you need, to actually see it on paper.

As far as trying to get back with him, keep the conversations to a minimum. Be strong and only provide the information he asks for regarding the child and the child's well-being. Don't give any information about you, other than you are doing well. If there is a chance, he may start to realize that he has lost control of you and you are moving on. This may trigger him to want to know more about YOU... but don't give in. Don't ask about him, and keep the calls at 2 - 3 minutes max.

Don't beg because it gives him so much control of the situation which will only make him even less interested and drive him away further. The male ego is a strange thing, and as much as we may want someone, if they want us even more, then we know that we can keep you 'on the side' and do what we want because you will always be there. As soon as we feel we are losing you, then we pull back. Pathetic, I know, but that's how it is. Sometimes, you need to let go... take a step back in order to go two steps forward. And sometimes when you step back, other opportunities present themselves, and you may not even want him anymore.

Good luck to you.

Thank you, but the other day I talked about child support and custody and he asked if I wanted war. He got really mad and sounded like he hated me. Then, he said he'd give me the money for child support and agree to take and see our son when I wanted. So I don't think I should get a lawyer now.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Orange1211

Thank you, but the other day I talked about child support and custody and he asked if I wanted war. He got really mad and sounded like he hated me. Then, he said he'd give me the money for child support and agree to take and see our son when I wanted. So I dont think I should get a lawyer now.

---

Yes you do. With no court order in place , the opportunities for you to be hurt and manipulated by him using the child as a pawn are wide open. And any verbal agreement you think have is useless.

If he is not against paying support and agrees to reasonable visits, he should not have an objection to "getting it in writing"
To leave it open is inviting problems.
Do not settle for anything less than court ordered .

You're right, I'll try to find a lawyer later. Thanks!

Make it your first priority, and don't put it off. Be sure to talk to several lawyers as the first consultation is usually free, and you need to find one that you are comfortable with.

Where I live, the day one partner decides that they no longer want to be married and expresses that to the other partner, you are separated. Note the date that this happened. Don't let your husband intimidate you, either. Take note of what was said, tone of voice, how you felt about it, etc. Keep logs of every interaction with him from here on out. Believe me, it's important, AND therapeutic.

You don't need advice, you need a divorce lawyer, so a judge can tell him what to do for his son, and you.

Yes you want a war. Can't hurt no more than it does NOW! Until then, leave him alone, and do as your lawyers says.

I would like to know just what the OP disagreed with. Aside from the gross misuse of the rating system I suggested judicial interference (a fancy phrase for "take it to Court for support and visitation") and counselling because the husband is verbally abusive and yet OP wants him back.

So what's the problem with that advice?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by martinizing2

Yes you do. With no court order in place , the opportunities for you to be hurt and manipulated by him using the child as a pawn are wide open. And any verbal agreement you think have is useless.

If he is not against paying support and agrees to reasonable visits, he should not have an objection to "getting it in writing"
To leave it open is inviting problems.
Do not settle for anything less than court ordered .

---

If she goes to Court he has no options - why negotiate with an abusive partner? Take him to Court, get support, let him ask for visitation.

I realize OP doesn't want to listen to reason but that's how the system works.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 1800proof

Make it your first priority, and don't put it off. Be sure to talk to several lawyers as the first consultation is usually free, and you need to find one that you are comfortable with.

Where I live, the day one partner decides that they no longer want to be married and expresses that to the other partner, you are separated. Note the date that this happened. Don't let your husband intimidate you, either. Take note of what was said, tone of voice, how you felt about it, etc. Keep logs of every interaction with him from here on out. Believe me, it's important, AND therapeutic.

---

Please post which State you live in - I have never heard of "I don't want to be married any longer" turning into a legal separation and would like to look at the law where you are.

Also, Attorney shopping is costly to the Attorneys whose time you are taking up - two should give a person a very good idea of the cost and personalties involved. There are currently NO Attorneys in my area who give free advice when it's a matrimonial issue for this exact reason.

I'm not a lawyer, but tell him to bring it on. Like the others say get a lawyer. Don't let the little worm intimidate you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Please post which State you live in - I have never heard of "I don't want to be married any longer" turning into a legal separation and would like to look at the law where you are.

Also, Attorney shopping is costly to the Attorneys whose time you are taking up - two should give a person a very good idea of the cost and personalties involved. There are currently NO Attorneys in my area who give free advice when it's a matrimonial issue for this exact reason.

---

I live in California. A "legal separation" needs to be filed for in the courts just like a divorce. When one partner states that they want out of the marriage, the other partner is neither responsible for new debt of the other nor can stake claim to new income, such as lotto winnings, from that date. According to my lawyer, this separation date is often argued by divorcing parties because of this.

As far as attorney shopping is concerned, I still recommend interviewing as many as you can. Retaining fees are pretty substantial, and the interview process is a small price to pay for acquiring my business.

When you next speak to your Attorney please ask for the section of law that covers this - I cannot find it through research. I can, of course, find the filing of the legal separation but simply saying, "I want a divorce, I no longer want to be married to you" appears - to me, and I work in the legal system - to open the door to all sorts of credit fraud, adultery charges and so forth.

Perhaps another expert knows.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

When you next speak to your Attorney please ask for the section of law that covers this - I cannot find it through research. I can, of course, find the filing of the legal separation but simply saying, "I want a divorce, I no longer want to be married to you" appears - to me, and I work in the legal system - to open the door to all sorts of credit fraud, adultery charges and so forth.

---

I will ask... But I remember her telling me that it is important because the court will take this date and determine all debt acquired by each person from that point to be separate, not joint. This actually protected me from being responsible for all the spending that she was doing during our separation and protected both of us from the other opening a new credit card and going off the deep-end. This date went into my divorce filing as our separation date.

California is a 'no fault' state, so adultery is not even considered in a divorce here -- they don't care and don't even want to hear about it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Orange1211

Thank you, but the other day I talked about child support and custody and he asked if I wanted war. He got really mad and sounded like he hated me. Then, he said he'd give me the money for child support and agree to take and see our son when I wanted. So I don't think I should get a lawyer now.

---

This man treats you poorly and the fact that you want this creep back is pretty sad.
He may agree to pay on his own but he sounds like the type who will do it when and how much he wants.
He treats you with little regard. It is time to face the fact that your marriage is over, he is a jerk but a jerk who needs to take care of his son. Why trust his terms? He walked out on you, he treats you with disrespect. What makes you think he will do right now?
Get yourself a lawyer. Talk to one who can tell you what your rights are.