I've been with my boyfriend (now fiance) for seven years now. We were long distance for 4 years and have spent the past year living together. Our sex life was better when we were long distance than it has been for the past year. Back then I would come home after six weeks and he couldn't keep his hands off me. We'd have romantic evenings or even just crazy sex. We'd have phone sex or racy text messages. Now I'm lucky if we have sex once a week and even when we do it's initiated by me 90% of the time and I get very little out of it. The one exception is when he stated that he wanted to get married, we had crazy sex for a week and then back to the usual.

I've tried talking to him about it and at first he'd talk but now he shuts down. He jokes that we have done everything possible in the past 7 years and what else is there? I've offered more risqué bedroom behavior and he doesn't seem interested. I've lost 17 pounds (I'm now 5' 1" and 127 lbs) and take more care with my appearance and don't feel that it has changed much. I think part of the problem is our sleeping patterns. I have to work early so I go to bed early, whereas he's back in school working on his degree and he goes to bed very late. I've tried to get him to come to bed with me when I go to bed but he refuses. I've asked that he wake me up and he never does. On weekends I'll try to seduce him in his sleep and it fails miserably (not unexpected but I'm desperate). Either he pushes me away or we do have sex and it's over in 2 minutes. I've tried to seduce him when he's awake with outfits, behavior, etc. and that couldn't get him to come to bed with me. He won't even kiss me passionately when I do these things. If anything he gets annoyed.

I don't mean to give the impression that he's not sexually attracted to me at all because I don't think that is true. In the evenings he'll joke around with me and fondle me or say suggestive things but that's as far as it goes. That is what makes me the angriest, he'll get me all hot and bothered and then won't have sex with me for days.

I'm very frustrated. I've tried talking, I've tried taking initiative and nothing has worked. I'm worried about marrying a man who doesn't want sex at 24 because what will it be like by the time he's 30? Any hope or ideas?

What have you all talked about ?

This is actually more common when two people are not on the same work and life schedule.

Perhaps counseling to help with communication

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Originally Posted by JMFenton

I'm very frustrated. I've tried talking, I've tried taking initiative and nothing has worked. I'm worried about marrying a man who doesn't want sex at 24 because what will it be like by the time he's 30? Any hope or ideas?

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I think your concern is warranted and very real.

Sexual drive and/or performance issues are so complex.

Problems can arise because of some big problem or the summation of many little things...

So...

Tell us about your partner...

Is he fit? Active? Exercising?

Any physical health issues?

How is his job? Stressful?

How is his sleep? Does he seem rested?

Does he drink? Smoke? Drugs?

Any emotional issues?

When he does engage you... is it when you are most interested?. for ex, one ex and I were completely mismatched... I was a night guy, she was a morning girl... just absolutely mismatched on when we were both sexually interested... so... when are you naturally most aroused and when is he?

He is fit and now that I've started exercising he has too. He has said once before that some medication he has to take made his sex drive lower at first but then he said a couple months ago that it doesn't really affect him anymore. He isn't working right now but is trying to find work. We both are pretty stressed about money lately. As far as sleep goes he has been sleeping even more than normal. He's always been the type to run on 5-6 hrs a night during the week and catch up on weekends. Now that he doesn't have much going on he sleeps closer to 10 hrs a night. He does smoke both cigarettes and pot. He's actually "preparing" to quit both as money is tight and he wants to be healthier.

So yesterday we actually had a big blow out on this topic. I discovered that we had a lot of miscommunication on the topic. When I brought it up he argued that we had sex "just a little while ago" (1 week ago) and I pointed out that I didn't get anything from that. He argued back that I did so the time before that (2 1/2 weeks ago). Apparently he hadn't realized that it was 2 1/2 weeks since I had an orgasm with him. Until I forced him to discuss the details he didn't think we had a problem. I told him that my expectations for a healthy and happy sex life were having sex a couples of times a week not once every couple of weeks. He got upset and said that I was blaming it all on him and making him feel like less than a man. I argued with him that he was making me feel like less than a woman. I was worried that the problem was that he was bored with me or that I wasn't sexually attractive anymore because I knew he had a sex drive and was very capable in bed.

He said that the biggest challenge to our sex life is my sleeping schedule. Prior to this past year when I had to get up at 5:30, 6 am for work we would stay up late together and have sex whenever we wanted. Especially in the past 4 years of long distance, I would be home on vacations and have very few obligations on my time. Now he says every week night is the same, I come home between 5-6 pm, make dinner, we eat dinner, I work out and we sit down to watch TV. By 9 pm I'm half asleep and having sex with somebody who is asleep is less than thrilling. He has tried waking me up and it doesn't work because I'm so exhausted. On weekends I'm so used to this sleep schedule that I'm lucky if I can fight sleep off until midnight and I get up by 8 the next morning and I'm off doing "chores."

So now I know the problem and am relieved. Any ideas on how to sync our sleep schedules?

(And on a happy note, we came home from a party last night and made love :-D)

Yeah--the way to sync your sleep schedules is this: The person with no obligations on his time changes his sleep schedule to be the same as the person who is actually bringin home the money that you use to live on.

I would stop watching the TV and have sex instead. After you can go to sleep and he can do what he does.

Don't feel that you're constrained by 'bed time' to have sex. Why now corner him when you get home or after dinner, or during the time slot that LOST was in.

I agree with Synnen though, he should be conforming to your schedule. He sounds quite selfish. Though the stress is probably doing a number on him. How sexy does a provider feel when he can't provide. Gender stereotype I know, but still.

I don't take lightly the possibility of off synch schedules.

I think it is one of the most fundamental issues that created a rift that eventually broke my marriage.

Dun dun dunnnnn.

Sorry. After that dramatic entrance I just thought it was right to end with comperable, imposing musicalish noise.

Seriously... my mate was a morning girl, but I didn't know this cause when we were dating she was a whenever it could happen girl.

So.. . fast forward a couple of years and suddenly I'm feeling completely neglected at night, when she would normally be exhausted... she was just pushing the envelope when dating cause it was nice for the attention.

So... suddenly I'm feeling completely neglected and so is she... wondering why the hell I'm not waking up at 4am to tend to her needs...

So...

There is so much more to this than that... but the basic point is that when two lovers have very different times for sexual interest... either something has to give or it'll all fall apart.

And sometimes its both.

By the time it was clear my marriage was done (for more reasons than sex) I was already primed to wake up at 4am, like it or not, to seek out my lover in the bed.

Sigh.

Glad those days are done...

Sooo...

My suggestion that you both take time to make time.

You both need to chase each other.

Don't care if that means renting a hotel room ten minutes away or one town away or whatever...

You both need to tend to each other.

If that's too much to ask... well... maybe it'll work for you... it sure as hell didn't work for me.

I absolutely love to chase... will do it 80% of the time... as long as that 20 in the other way is real, honest, and focused.

You have hit a rut. Its OK. You are mortal.

Time for you both to step up and take on the demands of a healthy relationship head on.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Yeah--the way to sync your sleep schedules is this: The person with no obligations on his time changes his sleep schedule to be the same as the person who is actually bringin home the money that you use to live on.

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Can't get more fair than that... he may be in school... but he's not paying the bills and the earth does not revolve around him. He can just as easily do some studying in the AM as at night... and compromise with her schedule. If he really gave a damn that is.