Hi all. We have all been in the position of dumping someone as well as being dumped.

We have all been in the position of an ex who we dumped wanting us back as well as wanting back an ex who dumped us.

We are all the same. Were all people.

So if we were to look at someone who dumped us and what we did (felt) to get them back. Comparing this to someone who we dumped (felt) and what they did to get us back, Perhaps we will see a commonality in both perspectives that will help others.

What's your story from both sides and what did you feel ?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 4answers

Hi all. We have all been in the position of dumping someone as well as being dumped.

We have all been in the position of an ex who we dumped wanting us back as well as wanting back an ex who dumped us.

We are all the same. Were all people.

So if we were to look at someone who dumped us and what we did (felt) to get them back. Comparing this to someone who we dumped (felt) and what they did to get us back, Perhaps we will see a commonality in both perspectives that will help others.

Whats your story from both sides and what did you feel ?

---

A further point to discuss:

When you dumped could the person get you back!

When you were dumped: could you get the other person back!

What about the person who dumped you wanting you back?? What are those chances?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NJCUTIE77

What about the person who dumped you wanting you back???? What are those chances?

---

Value reversal for an ex:

If the ex has moved on already did you succeed in getting them back?

If the ex had not moved on did you succeed in getting them back?

I have been both and when I left first, I clearly did not want them back so knowing that, when I got left, I took it that they did not want me back. I was only tempted to take someone back once and I looked to what occurs in the world with other people and it does not recommend getting back together, so I didn't. I must qualify this as pertaining only to relationships that have broken up since I have experienced one that separated and came back together successfully-- big difference between separating and breaking up.

What is the difference between Separated and Broken up... Usually as far as I know and in dealing with my issue, the separation was said to me, "I need a month to straighten things out".. blah blah... and we have had the no contact for 2 weeks just about going on. If it was a "break up" would he have given the time limit?

Thoughts for discussion guys.

When you first meet someone, you do not know them, you have no history, no emotional connection. All you know is you find them attractive and like their personality. Therefore you act in a way that you like them, without thought to history, past issues or pain. You come across as a happy person who is fun to know and be around. Attractive to the other person.

During the relationship, one person suffers negative rewarding experiences and there feelings change for the other. The end of the relationship.

The person who has been dumped then tries to get back the other person. However the feeling of the other person have changed, there emotional attachment and interest is now back to where it was before the two of you met.

So the dumpee, needs to be mindfull of this and emotionaly step back from the relationship (period of no contact). To the point where he was when he met the person and start a new relationship and be the person he was at the very beginning. If he aproaches trying to get back together, with anything other than a new relationship in mind it will only push the other person farther away.

What's your thoughts guys.

It's an idealized situation, but it's unrealistic... life doesn't have a reset button. No amount of time apart will remove the memory of the hurt, and even if one 'forgets' it, it will come back with any trivial hurt. Pretending that whatever issues existed before the breakup never happened is not a way to start the relationship anew.

Nothing changes the past... forgive and forget is a poor saying for anything in the real world... forgive, but do not forget, for if you forget, you give permission for the transgressor to do it again, since you won't remember the last time.

If your relationship ends, and you want it to resume, change. Show the person how you've changed, how you've learned from your mistakes. A first chance is given freely, but a second chance must be earned.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 4answers

So the dumpee, needs to be mindfull of this and emotionaly step back from the relationship (period of no contact). to the point where he was when he met the person and start a new relationship and be the person he was at the very begining. If he aproaches trying to get back together, with anything other than a new relationship in mind it will only push the other person farther away.

---

There are no reset buttons as the above response suggests. You can always forgive but never really forget the hurt that was caused. It would be prudent not to forget to shield yourself from getting hurt again. If change was required on your part, then yes, you must step back emotionally and sort out what needs to be changed. You are in a much healthier frame of mind to do this if you are detached from the relationship. Never use No Contact as a way to win the ex back... Won't work, use it to get healthy, heal and Move On and make any positive changes to improve yourself. Get back whatever you have lost within yourself, embrace your freedom!

Holding on to hope is dangerous but is quite natural in the early stages!

Where are you at 4answers?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Where are you at 4answers?

---

Hi there Geoff, how are you, long time no hear. I am fine. Just working on how relationships work in general, good way to keep ocupied, turn a negative into a positive so to speak.

I will always believe when a relationship is over for whatever reason to accept the facts and move on and deal with the feelings and get to a healthy place where you can live your life.

I agree with tal, Sadly, one must accept that once it is over, it is over.

You can use the experience though to learn from any mistakes you made. For example, if you were too needy, too available, if you were not busy enough, then you can learn from these mistakes and change them by using No contact to get healthy, perhaps for the next NEW relationship.

For me, the get it back is finding parts of who I was before I met my ex that I feel were somewhat dormant while I was in my relationship with her. I used to think more before I met her, I used to take evening courses, exercise a lot e.t.c. It is all too easy to lose yourself in a relationship and when it is suddenly snatched away, you are left thinking 'oh... sh*t, now what?' In time, things get easier and it is not all as bad as you first thought. You must however face the fact that it is over and give up on hope. You must regain control! When you give up on the hope then this is when you make real progress...

You will still feel some pain now and then but it will be much easier to deal with and you will know how to control it. You are usually more often than you think in a win/win situation if you take the positive steps to move on!

Well said Geoff, I can't rate you.

This is all very true. It does really help to heal you if you have accepted that it is over. If the person ever does comes back, we would deal with that further down the line, but by the time ex partners come back, most people have moved on.