Hello everyone. I felt like getting your input on my current thoughts.

To everyone who does not know my struggle go here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-up-40738.html

It's been awhile since I've spoken to my first love, my ex girlfriend (I'd say almost 2 months since we've been in contact). I have faithfully stuck to NC, and so has she. Without the support of the members here, I don't know where I would be right now, but I know I wouldn't be nearly as happy. I've looked at myself and have identified my problems and have taken steps to correct them. I walk down the street with a new found confidence. I look in the mirror and like what I see. I still have changes to make, but I've changed substantially from the me of 3 months ago. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and look forward to my future and all that it holds.

Today, I saw a recent picture of my ex. She looks so different, almost as if I've never met this person before. I look at her and I almost don't remember what made me fall in love in the first place. I don't get that powerful sense of attraction and protection that I did before. She looks (and more importantly, I feel that she is) like any other girl now.

I take this feeling as the fact that I'm really over her (took long enough :D). I still would like to be on speaking terms with her, at least. Would this be a good time to break NC to say a simple "Hello"? Or am I just asking for more trouble?

You came this far why break it? You're doing fine without her... no telling what might happen if you contact her, it might even undo all that you've accomplished so far if old feelings come back. If I were you id keep up with the no contact, sounds like you're doing great.

Blazing,

My honest opinion is that you are just asking for more trouble. Yes, you have made progress. Im happy for you and have seen it here myself. You certainly are going a lot better than the day you first posted here and it is nice to see. As I always said I seen a lot of you in me!

I remember your thread specifically. You were so worried about her and what she was doing, what she was feeling, who she was seeing blah blah blah.

Everything was about her. I could understand that. It is hard to take your mind off her. But it is essential to do so in order to begin healing. Seems like you are still in some ways too concerned about her and how she is!

Are you sure you are in a position where you really need to go back to all that pain and hurt again that you will probably face if you don't get what you are after?

She may not want to be in contact with you. She hasn't indicated in any way that she does has she? She hasn't been sitting there thinking "oh i feel so differently toward Blazing these days, i might give him a call because i want to be on speaking terms".

Doesn't happen that way. Sadly man, she broke with you for a reason. And that is that she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. Your in the past. A part of her life that is behind her now. Might sound harsh but it is pretty close to the money let me assure you.

Im talking from experience too here Blazing. I thought I was at a point like you are too, but when the day came that my ex and I seen and spoke again I realised I was in fact a long way from where I thought I was.

In my opinion if you were really over her, then you wouldn't even be asking this question. You wouldn't want to meet her as you wouldn't see any need. Your life would be that comfortable that she would be a distant but happy memory.

It seems common in a few threads lately. People wanting friendships and communication with their ex. I just don't really see it happening and find it hard to agree that it is a common occurrence.

Tell the truth please Blazing. You want her back don't you and that's why you want to call her? Not just to be on speaking terms with. As I'm sure you have that now. If you ran into one another I'm sure you would speak.

You want more than that don't you?

Your playing with a very dangerous fire their my friend.

Tell me this, how would you feel if you rang her to see how she was going and she told you she couldn't talk because she was at her boyfriends house and they were about to go to sleep?

How would you feel?

Hi Blazing,

Skell did a heck of a job laying it all out.

From what I am reading Blazing you are getting better, but perhaps not fully cured, otherwise as Skell pointed out, this question wouldn't have been asked, but good you asked it here :).

Blazing, you may feel over her and I am sure you feel better than a few months back. The fact that you were able to look at her picture and think what did you ever see in her, well, that could just be the scar tissue covering the hurt you felt. You want to keep healing and NC has helped you get this far.

Did you ever have the flu, and went to the docs and he said he wants complete bedrest for two weeks. After the first week, you start to feel better and think " I am strong enough to go back to work". Doc just was being cautious. So off to work you go, with just a few sniffles, but all and all not feeling too bad. By the end of the day, BAM, hits you again like a ton of bricks and you relapse and feel worse then when you first got sick. Well, it's almost the same thing here. You are healing, but you need more time. Contacting her has the danger of having a major relapse. As Skell also pointed out, she hasn't been sending any smoke signals your way.

Here is what it sounds like when someone is over their ex... (... ) you hear that?. that's right... nothing. No real desire to see them, to talk with them or have them in your life.

To be quite honest with you, there are times an ex of mine pops in my mind, not for the longing, but just something that triggers a memory. So what goes through my mind?
I actually do know what I saw in him, am able to smile about it, and truly hope he is doing well and glad he is wherever he is, and even more glad that it is not with me. And I mean that in a kind and grateful way. Ahhhh now that is someone who is truly over their ex.

Blazing it is normal to have that question and it is very normal to go through all these thoughts and feelings.

You are doing incredible... keep it up :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Skell

Blazing,

In my opinion if you were really over her, then you wouldnt even be asking this question. You wouldnt want to meet her as you wouldnt see any need. Your life would be that comfortable that she would be a distant but happy memory.

It seems common in a few threads lately. People wanting friendships and communication with their ex. I just dont really see it happening and find it hard to agree that it is a common occurrence.

Tell the truth please Blazing. You want her back dont you and thats why you want to call her? Not just to be on speaking terms with. As im sure you have that now. if you ran into one another im sure you would speak.

You want more than that dont you?

Your playing with a very dangerous fire their my friend.

Tell me this, how would you feel if you rang her to see how she was going and she told you she couldnt talk because she was at her boyfriends house and they were about to go to sleep??

How would you feel?

---

Ow.

Thanks for the slap in the face to bring me back to reality. Do I want to break NC for the specific purpose of getting her back? No. Would I want that to happen, though? Yes. This isn't like the last time I considered this (where I was in heavy denial). Maybe I'm thinking about her still too much (I put the needs of others before my own too much). Maybe now that my life has gotten significantly better, I want to show her that, you know. But there is no reason for that.

I did laugh at your last paragraph, though, rather than run to the bathroom to vomit or curl up in the fetal position. Maybe I am getting better. But that would still hurt though, so I'll continue to keep my distance.

Read Skells post again blaze..

Not that you need to but what I mean is, it says so much about what is going on with you. I know Blaze, because I am not there yet either... Skell has the experience of knowing the pain of realising that he was further from where he wanted to be with regards to his ex at the time he was referring to.

Don't call her or contact her in any way. You don't want to go back to square one again do you?

You don't have to prove her anything!!

You have to prove yourself... and you already are!! You have done well. Keep it up!

Wondering if you were in love with 'the idea of the relationship' and not her?

She's probably changed a lot - you've changed a lot for sure.

"Tell me this, how would you feel if you rang her to see how she was going and she told you she couldnt talk because she was at her boyfriends house and they were about to go to sleep??

How would you feel?"

So freaking true!! Great one Skell. It happens all the time.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

"Tell me this, how would you feel if you rang her to see how she was going and she told you she couldnt talk because she was at her boyfriends house and they were about to go to sleep??

How would you feel?"

So freaking true!!! Great one Skell. It happens all the time.

---

Yuck, that would be a horrible situation. Don't even want to go there..

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Wondering if you were in love with 'the idea of the relationship' and not her?

She's probably changed a lot - you've changed a lot for sure.

---

I was in love with the idea of a relationship (with anyone) before we got together. But I do undeniably love her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Yuck, that would be a horrible situation. don't even want to go there..

---

It is horrible isn't it? Makes you cringe but it quite a distinct possibility!

One I know is enough to make me tremble with fear and out down the phone!
LOL

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlazingCold

Ow.

Thanks for the slap in the face to bring me back to reality. Do I want to break NC for the specific purpose of getting her back? No. Would I want that to happen, though? Yes. This isn't like the last time I considered this (where I was in heavy denial). Maybe I'm thinking about her still too much (I put the needs of others before my own too much). Maybe now that my life has gotten significantly better, I want to show her that, you know. But there is no reason for that.

I did laugh at your last paragraph, though, rather than run to the bathroom to vomit or curl up in the fetal position. Maybe I am getting better. But that would still hurt though, so I'll continue to keep my distance.

---

Thanks a lot Blaze for the honest response. That is great and I'm glad you are a smart enough guy (not that I ever doubted it) to realise what I put to you.

And as I keep saying, the only reason I can put these things to you is because I have been there and done that!

I honestly had all these feelings, and I had them at pretty much the same time intervals as you are.

It is like your walking the same path I did.

I got to a point where I thought I was completely and utterly over her. How wrong was I! I didn't even have to have contact to learn I wasn't. It just took a mutual friend to say a completely innocent thing and I learnt pretty much then and there where I was really at.

And I have to say that even to this day there are times when I think I am further progressed than I actually am. Whether after 8 - 9 months I should be completely over her and moved on I don't know. But if I had to be honest I would have to say, no, not completely.

But I can say that I am happy most of the time, I am comfortable and now enjoy meeting new women, most of the time I am happy and comfortable being alone. People can talk about her around me and it doesn't get me all agitated and upset.

Basically it doesn't completely consume my thoughts like it once did. And I know it wouldn't completely consume your thoughts either but I'm sure if your honest she is still a fair chunk of it?

I can tell she is just by your need to ask this question.

So there is no harm in having these thoughts at all Blaze. It is normal in my opinion, but it is good to get a dose of reality at times to help you think a little harder and assess whether you are really where you think you are.

Yeah, that was horrible.

Heck of a scare tactic to stop dumpees from breaking NC, though.

But I still sort of miss her. I won't stop NC though.

Geoff - some women can be heartless beaches - tons of websites out there devoted to just they - some take great pride in it - everyone's different.

Blazing - sometimes - after not seeing someone for a couple months - then you go see them and POOF all those feelings are gone - and you're like "do I even know you"? "What was I thnking".

" undeniably love her: - that's part of the problem too. They are part of your life, not your life. With most women, you can never completely surrender - game over.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Skell

Thanks a lot Blaze for the honest response. that is great and im glad you are a smart enough guy (not that i ever doubted it) to realise what i put to you.

And as i keep saying, the only reason i can put these things to you is because i have been there and done that!

I honestly had all these feelings, and i had them at pretty much the same time intervals as you are.

it is like your walking the exact same path i did.

I got to a point where i thought i was completely and utterly over her. How wrong was i! I didnt even have to have contact to learn i wasnt. It just took a mutual friend to say a completely innocent thing and i learnt pretty much then and there where i was really at.

And i have to say that even to this day there are times when i think i am further progressed than i actually am. Whether or not after 8 - 9 months i should be completely over her and moved on i dont know. But if i had to be honest i would have to say, no, not completely.

But i can say that i am happy most of the time, i am comfortable and now enjoy meeting new women, most of the time i am happy and comfortable being alone. People can talk about her around me and it doesnt get me all agitated and upset.

Basically it doesnt completely consume my thoughts like it once did. And i know it wouldnt completely consume your thoughts either but im sure if your honest she is still a fair chunk of it?

I can tell she is just by your need to ask this question.

So there is no harm in having these thoughts at all Blaze. It is normal in my opinion, but it is good to get a dose of reality at times to help you think a little harder and assess whether you are really where you think you are.

---

Yes, she's in my thoughts a good bit, but she doesn't dominate like she did a couple of weeks ago. I know I have more work to do, but since I don't have that sinking feeling when I think about our past or anything involving her, I thought I could give it a try.

What could be reasons she hasn't called me? I know this shouldn't matter, but humor me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

" undeniably love her: - that's part of the problem too. They are part of your life, not your life. With most women, you can never completely surrender - game over.

---

I meant that I was genuinely in love with her, not just loving the relationship with her.

But I did make the mistake of making her the focus of my life too much. Don't worry about that, I will NEVER make that mistake again.

Blazing,

Hi. Are you feeling good about not giving in to your curiosity? Sounds like you are. Feel good about that.

As far as why she is not calling, sorry to say, only she knows. We could come up with a 1/2 dozen reasons, but none will make you feel totally better.

Can't help but cross your mind and thoughts I know. Hang in there... you are doing awesome!

Yeah, two months is probably too soon. Two years, maybe so.

Contact an ex? I ask anyone why? If there isn't something lurking in the background on this, then why? And if its okay stuff, then why is it in the background? I still contend that unless you have mutual kids to raise, there isn't much recommending it. And those who claim to befriend an ex so far haven't panned out for me as being honest with what that's about and I don't mean here, I mean in face-to-face world where it's a bit more difficult to be deceptive. The only folks I have ever known to do the ex-as-just-a-friend deal successfully (without kids in the mix) are the very urban chic type people who take relationships very very casually. They come and go with very little fuss. Borderline swingers and such. Not my kind of crowd and it all seems a bit cavalier. LOL End of rant.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Allheart

Blazing,

Hi. Are you feeling good about not giving in to your curiosity? Sounds like you are. Feel good about that.

As far as why she is not calling, sorry to say, only she knows. We could come up with a 1/2 dozen reasons, but none will make you feel totally better.

Can't help but cross your mind and thoughts I know. Hang in there...you are doing awesome!

---

Feeling good? Maybe a slight sense of relief, that I might have avoided a huge can or worms. Maybe I only had a slight relapse in seeing her picture again.

I'm the type that likes to keep in contact with those I've formed a connection with. I've had very good friends just drop off the face of the earth, and its quite saddening. I sort of don't want that to happen between us, but these aren't normal situations. It's sad that I have to leave behind someone who meant so much to me.