Ask Me Help Desk - Reasonable suspicion or insecurity?

Hey all.. I am a 21 year old male who is currently engaged to the love of my life.. ill get right down to the problem.. I recently got out of basic training for the U.S. Army, and while I was in there my sister told me that my future wife had cheated on me.. my sister had not seen it but rather heard it from the guy who supposedly slept with my girlfriend.. at the time me and my future wife had only been dating for about 2 weeks and we were 1000 miles apart.. I confronted her and she denyed it, I believed her I know they guy from high school and he had always had a crush on her and tried to get her to come over on several occasions.. about 2 months later she called me while I was still away crying on the phone because the night before a guy had kissed her and she felt guilty, I yelled for a bit but forgave her.. after I got back the original story came up again some how and once again I asked her if she had cheated, she again denyed it but went and tried to talk to my sister about it.. my sister wouldn't discuss it with her for some reason. Ever since then my sister continues to tell everyone that my future wife cheated on me and its really killing me, my fiancé talked to my parents when my sister told them about it... it seems odd that my sister would go to these lengths but I'm not sure who to believe, my sister isn't very trustworthy and the guy my fiancé supposedly slept with says that it happened.. I'm just very confused. I love my fiancé and I know she loves me, she is very sweet but I need some unbiased input.. thanks for reading all this

You are right to be suspicious!

Since you plan on marrying this woman, I would hire a private investigator to find out for sure. Then if she is cheating... you will have facts/evidence to approach her with.

Just an idea.

Wow what a situation your in.
Well it seems to me that maybe your sister doesn't approve of your fiancé and is now trying to make you think about breaking it off, it's a possibility. But it depend on what your fiancé is like, would she be the kind to cheat and lie about when you confronted her? Or is she the type of person who called you on the phone rying because she felt guilty when I a guy kissed her?
Until you get more information, then I say innocent until proven guilty.
Because if you keep accusing and in fact you are wrong, then she will feel untrusted, which is something you don't want

Ok, you are engaged to someone you only dated for 2 weeks before you went away to basic training.

First in basic all you hear is that your love back home is cheating on you, they do that to break you down in the military.

And why was she in a situation that someone kissed her. You know I have been married for years and no one just accidentally kissed my wife.
And to be kiss, you also are kissing someone else.

Next you have issues of why are you engaged so kickly ?

I would say that you are worried over nothing but if you keep asking her about it, most likely she will go out from getting tired of being accused.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARMYGUY21

hey all.. I am a 21 year old male who is currently engaged to the love of my life.. ill get right down to the problem.. i recently got out of basic training for the U.S. Army,

Thank You. You guys get a lot of BS from celebrities, politicians and our own media so I thought I’d just say I, average American citizen appreciate all that you do. Now on to your situation.

Your only 21why the rush to get married?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARMYGUY21

and while i was in there my sister told me that my future wife had cheated on me.. my sister had not seen it but rather heard it from the guy who supposedly slept with my girlfriend..

How good of friends are this guy and your sister? Do you think he told her that in an attempt to come between you and your girlfriend? Is your sister the type of person who likes drama?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARMYGUY21

at the time me and my future wife had only been dating for about 2 weeks and we were 1000 miles apart..

Well this is a slippery slope. Just to clarify when you say dating does that mean you were exclusive to each other or that you were just getting to know one another.

If you were just getting to know one another for only 2 weeks but not exclusive than I would have to say that I don’t think she did anything wrong. However if you two had agreed to see each other exclusively than and she did cheat then that’s a whole different situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARMYGUY21

i confronted her and she denyed it, i beleived her i know they guy from high school and he had always had a crush on her and tried to get her to come over on several occasions..

This is what I made reference to earlier. Was he upset that she started going out with you so he made that up to create this rift? That’s a possibility. I’m tempted to say that if he had a crush on her through high school and now 3 years after and she didn’t act on it before than why would she now? That being said, this baffles me…..

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARMYGUY21

about 2 months later she called me while i was still away crying on the phone because the night before a guy had kissed her and she felt guilty, i yelled for a bit but forgave her..

Now I can’t figure out how a guy kissed her? What I mean is did she turn around and he just kissed her? Did she push him off. They way you describe it leaves me to believe that something more happened. If a girl kissed me and I wasn’t wanting it I would push her off or back up or both. Furthermore, I don’t know that a “unwanted” kiss is a reason to cry or even be upset. What I mean is if this guy really just kissed her and she pushed him off rejecting him that would not be typical with someone crying and claiming she felt guilty. It actually makes me think she may have done more but was not telling the entire story.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARMYGUY21

after i got back the original stroy came up again some how and once again i asked her if she had cheated, she again denyed it but went and tryed to talk to my sister about it.. my sister wouldnt discuss it with her for some reason.

What is the reason behind the tension between your sister and your girlfriend?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARMYGUY21

ever since then my sister continues to tell everyone that my future wife cheated on me and its really killing me, my fiance talked to my parents when my sister told them about it...

What did your parents say? Did they talk with your sister?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARMYGUY21

it seems odd that my sister would goto these lengths but im not sure who to beleive, my sister isnt very trustworthy and the guy my fiance supposedly slept with says that it happened..
God, you sister is immature. It’s on thing to tell you but to tell several people is just immature. She’s a drama queen that’s for sure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARMYGUY21

im just very confused. i love my fiance and i know she loves me, she is very sweet but i need some unbiased input.. thanks for reading all this

I see why your confused. I’m confused as well. At the moment I’m siding SLIGHTLY with your girlfriend. That being said I’m not sure if I were you I’d trust her fully. She sounds like she likes the drama as well. That being said if this guy has been after her for over 3 years I just don’t think she’d take him up now.

Hi Armyguy, I too thank you for your service. To be honest , I think you should take a lot more time to get to know this girl, not just because of the drama, but also taking into account your time away in service. People change, and you not being there, its reasonable to take all the time you need to catch up on people, places, and things, that you missed before making a big important decision like marriage. To tell the truth even your own family may have changed, so my suggestion is to slow down and get your bearings, and find out where you fit in this whole thing. Talk to your girl, and get to know her, and go slow. Very slow. There is no hurray anymore, and your both young. Get to the bottom of this thing with your girl and sister, before you jump into the unknown. You owe it to yourself. No telling what went on while you were gone honestly.

To clear up some confusion.. I have known my fiancé for over 5 years now.. we have been dating since January and got engaged a month ago.. she is not the person who would cheat.. . and my sister has some mental issues I think, every girl I've ever been with she has had problems with, granted she has been right on one occasionwith a prior girlfriend... my sister has a tendency to get along with someone one day and hate them an hour later for anyreason... the guy she supposedly slept with has tried to get her to come over 3 times while I was gone, once he had his friend call and invite her over to a house only for her to walk in and it was her and that guy... she is not the type of person that would cheat on a guy like me... but she recently renewed her faith and prior to that she had a rather promiscious reputation... as far as the accidental kiss, I worded that wrong, she admitted to me that she was at a party and drunk when a man initiated a kiss with her that she did not instantly pull away from, funny thing is is that my sister was at this party (she didn't see them kiss) she confirms that out of no-where my fiancé came up sobbing grabbed her and left the party and explained it all to her... I really do trust her but all this talk is getting to me because it seems that every week someone else talks to my sister and hears this and then I have to defend her again.. and finally to answer why get married so young.. I believe that marriage is not about age but about maturity.. I know we have both come a long way since five years ago... we are taking all the steps.. we are currently in pre-maritial counciling right now.. the day is set for sept 1st

Armyguy,

I too, as a fellow American, thank you for your service. It is the greatest gift you could give to all of us, and the sacrifices you and your family make, are truly and deeply appreciated. WE ARE PROUD OF YOU!

Okay, my advice, turn a deaf ear on those who seem to be heck bent on spreading gossip.
Marriage is about many things, trust being one of them. You have asked your finance about this situation and she told you no. There is no reason under the sun for you to have to defend her. No. If someone comes your way again with the stories, just cut them off by saying I appreciate your concern, but your concern really is not necessary. The end. You owe them no explanations.

The only words you need to concern yourself with are those of your finance. I can most understand why the constant gossip would get to you, but your love for your fiancé must be strong enough to quiet the doubts they are trying to plant.

Keep your ears open to your fiancé, trust her, until she gives you reasons not too. The kiss? Not a good thing of course, but she came to you and the both of you worked it out.

Clean the slate, clear the mind, and you do sound like a fine and mature young man. There is no rush whatsoever to get married, but if you both feel you are ready to make this commitment to each other, I wish you the very best.

God Bless and be safe.

Allheart

Thanks a lot.. that really does help... I fully agree with you, I'm just letting people get to me

Don't rush into anything either way. And if you consider yourself an intuitive person trust your own instincts - especially about your sister and this other guy. You love her and she loves you - It's not like she committed murder.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARMYGUY21

she is not the person who would cheat.. .

Now I am confused! Why did you post the question if "she is not the type to cheat". You obviously have some doubts if you posted a question.

By Armyguy-

Quote:

She had a rather promiscious reputation

You wrote this in your second post. What did you mean?

No marriage should start with clouds of doubts. That is why I tell you to resolve these kinds of things between the both of you before you tie the knot. Glad your in pre marriage counseling. Communications between you though is paramount to a good marriage.

I say she is not the person who would cheat because she is not.. but I question it when in the 6 months I've been home more people come up to me saying the same thing, and they all heard it from the same source... the guy, or my sister.. and by promiscious past I mean she has had more than 3 partners.. granted she has told me about all of them but her past gets to me at times too... I know she is a totally different person than she used to be, like I said, I have known her and been best friends with her for over five years.. I know how she is.. she hates drama and has had rumors started about her for as long as I remember her... I know I shouldn't feel so suspicious.. I feel bad for it but this kind of thing wears on my security

Is she very pretty? Maybe others are jealous of her.
Personaly, I think you should stop listening to rumours and gossip. And talk to her, tell her what's been going on.