17 years ago I had a short relationship with a woman.she had two girls with another man and they were split up at the time.Our relationship was coming to and end when we found out she was pregnant by me.after a lot of confusion we agreed she would get back with her ex and raise the child as his.he knew everything and they got married soon after that and I disappeared and never told anybody the secret.
I don't know why,but she didn't keep it secret.quite a few people know.all of these people are 30/50 years old now.
I met this woman lately and she told me all about my daughter.she is 16 now and knows nothing about me.she told me she is always worried that our daughter will find out the truth especially when she turns 18 and starts to socialize more.its a small town
Should she carry on with the secret and hope our daughter never finds out?
Should she be told the truth?

I would love to meet her but I know that I would be a total stranger to her and she may hate me for arriving in her life

Being a teenage myself I would say you should be straight with her, even if you maybe wait till she is 18. You should not keep the fact you are her real father from her.

Her mom should have long ago told her, you need to talk to the mom and discuss this with her

I agree. She needs to know. It would be a bad thing if she over hears or someone says something to her thinking she already knows. She will think it's like a bad joke, everyone knows but her. She needs to be told.
It's kind of like adoption, that is not something that should be hid from a child.

Thanks for the advice.just to be clear the woman I talked is her mum

You need to talk to her mother and she needs to tell this young lady what's up.

YOU should not be the one who suddenly appears in her life and announces that you are her father. That will mess up her head for the rest of her life. Her mother should be the one to tell her. Like Fr_Chuck said, discuss this with the mother.

The woman I talked to is her mother,she doesn't know what to do.thats why I'm asking

Her mother should take her out to lunch and talk to her. Let her know that the man she grew up with might be her Daddy, but he is not her biological father. Then let the child decide if and when she wants to meet you.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

YOU should not be the one who suddenly appears in her life and announces that you are her father. That will mess up her head for the rest of her life. Her mother should be the one to tell her. Like Fr_Chuck said, discuss this with the mother.

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I have no intention of telling her.

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Originally Posted by gillad

i have no intention of telling her.

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GOOD! I'm liking you already and hope this has a very positive outcome for both you and your bio-daughter. She will be a lucky girl to have two fathers in her life who love her.

Thanks wondergirl.should it be put off till she's a bit older and finished school .1 year she will be out of school

In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, secrets are hard to keep. I think perhaps your daughter may have an inkling about this.

Thinking she may hurt her mom and dad, she may be reluctant to bring it up. Kids know more than we give them credit for.

It's a small town and if she doesn't know, she will. I wish you the best.

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, secrets are hard to keep. I think perhaps your daughter may have an inkling about this.

Thinking she may hurt her mom and dad, she may be reluctant to bring it up. Kids know more than we give them credit for.

It's a small town and if she doesn't know, she will. I wish you the best.

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You may be right but there is no way we can know if she has heard anything.

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Originally Posted by gillad

you may be right but there is no way we can know if she has heard anything.

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Very True! I do hope everything works out. There are some men who wouldn't care how the child felt. I'm glad you love your daughter enough to be concerned. Good luck and I think you'll be surprised at how she reacts. You are in my prayers... Kit

Could she have kept this a secret, because she isn't sure who the father is?

Is it possible that her husband thinks it is his daughter, and that she never told him either that she wasn't sure who the father was, or told him that he wasn't?

I can't imagine why she would hesitate, or why they would hesitate to tell her. It is certainly not in the daughter's best interest to live her life into adulthood without knowing who her real father is.

And, what happens when she does know. Are you prepared to step up and try to establish a relationship with her? Telling her is only one part of the situation, but to tell her and abandon her (again), is another.

I also wondered back then if I was the father or not,a lot of stuff went through my mind.
Over the years two close friends of mine met my daughter.I asked them both if they thought it was my daughter and was there any resemblance.They both were definite in their minds that she is my daughter and said she looked the very same as me.I have some strong features and she has them too.
I have seen some pictures of her from her mom and I also recognise these features.I am confident she is my daughter.

She told me that she was afraid to tell her daughter the truth and that she thought she would never see me again.
I don't know the real reasons,only she does.

And yes,if my daughter is told,I am prepared to step up and try very hard to establish a relationship with her

I hope things work out for the best with the both of you.

I do hope things work out...

Don't let her find out from anyone but mom or you. She will resent the fact that you guys never told her. She might be angry she might not but she needs to know.