I was married to my best friend for 3 years and have known her for 9 years. We parted ways on account on incompatible differences and we are still good friends.

I asked this girl out at the office after I separated from my wife. She seemed very interesting and I wasn't looking to have sex with her or anything. I asked her out, told her about my divorce and she told me she broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years about a year ago.

She played games from day one. When I asked her out, she said yes. Next day, she said "not looking for something serious". So, I went home and just ignored her texts. Maybe I was on rebound but I wasn't interested in a fling as she suggested. I was hurting and wanted a friend & companionship more than anything.

Then she asked me out to her apartment to watch a movie. During the movie we held hands. It was late so she offered for me to stay there. I slept in her bed, holding hands; nothing happened. Next day she took me out for Dinner & bought me a funny book. The she asked me to stay another day at her place. This second night we kissed & fondled and got worked up and almost started making out. After she lost her clothes & about 5 minutes of me playing with her down there, she said "Don't you think it's a little early"? I agreed as much as both of us wanted to make out and in fact she initiated it, I didn't want to push her into this because I wanted a romantic relationship.

The next night, We made out. Before I came along, She has got drunk with guys she knew a few days and taken them home & made out on the 1st night, more than once. Every guy she has had over for drinks, she had trouble keeping her clothes on. She says she was depressed and lonely so would have sex with anybody.

The questions I have are:

1. Why did she think it was too early in my case? Was she not attracted to me as much as those guys? Now that we love each other like crazy & been together for 8 months, all she has to say is "She wanted to take it slow as she wanted to see what I wanted. If she made out with me on the 2nd night, she wouldn't know where would the relationship go". Is this true that a woman who has slept with 5 guys on 1st night after being drunk, some of them strangers; would take it slow if she saw any hope of romance there?

2. What changed between the 2nd night & the 3rd? On the 3rd night also she came on to me.

3. Is it possible she wanted to make out on the 2nd night but was just trying to create an image that she's not that easy?

4. For the first few months she refused to acknowledge that we are in a relationship or that she's my girlfriend. She say things like "So what if we are having sex, sex I can have with anybody" or while making out she'd ask if the sex is better now or in a relationship & I'd say in a relationship & she'd call me a liar.

5. I just think she's had many casual encounters, she was a total drunk, she picked up men at work, online, friends friends and drank & made out with them after her boyfriend left her. Am having trouble trying to figure out if the physical attraction between us is enough to keep us together.

6. We love each other & despite everything, I want to marry her. Since the first date at her apartment; she didn't let me leave and then I moved in. Its been 8 months now but her past still haunts me. How could she horse around & make out with some of the worst playboys at work but said no to me? Does she really love me or is just scared to be alone? How bad could I be that I'm the only guy she didn't make out for 2 days with?
Yet she claims she loves me to pieces and the sex is some of the best ever. She puts up with all my questions and is totally hung up on me like nobody ever. My problem is that I have never had any casual encounters. The first girl I made out with, I was with her for 5 years in a committed relationship & the second girl was my best friend who I married. This girl is the third girl in my life.

Please tell me if this will last/ I just feel she had her fun with every hot guy in town & just wants to settle down with somebody who would be committed to her. The fact that she turned me down on the 2nd night, haunts me everyday. If she was the kind who takes a few days to lose her clothes, I'd understand. But she is not that kind.

From the start of your post I was thinking 'RUN RUN AWAY' then I got to the part where she wanted to take it slow,but was in bed with you with no clothes on,hmm,a bit late to bring out the virgin card.

When I got to where you have moved in and if everything is going well except for the fact you can't get over the second date,then that's the straw that will make or break you.

If she feels you are a decent man with whom she can settle down with if you love her and your relationship has been monogmious since you got together,then my advice would be,let it go,if she is good enough for you to consider marrying,why hang onto to past?

If you can't trust her or trust her motives,then leave,move on,and certainly don't get married.

Thank you for your answer. I know she isn't a bad person and just went astray for a year because her boyfriend dumped her. She wasn't playing the Virgin card because I knew all along that she was in a relationship for years. All am asking is to all women out here is that if you were in that situation where you were heartbroken and just wanted casual relationships with no emotional attachhment, would you take it slow if suddenly somebody came along who made your heart beat faster?

By 'virgin card' I meant being coy/shy.

To answer your next question,yes,I think I would like to take things slow had I been in that position.

Asking to take things slow would indicate an interest in wanting to get to know you better.

The questions I have are:

1. Why did she think it was too early in my case? Was she not attracted to me as much as those guys? Now that we love each other like crazy & been together for 8 months, all she has to say is "She wanted to take it slow as she wanted to see what I wanted. If she made out with me on the 2nd night, she wouldn't know where would the relationship go". Is this true that a woman who has slept with 5 guys on 1st night after being drunk, some of them strangers; would take it slow if she saw any hope of romance there?
She was looking for someone who wanted more than just sex. Had you just pushed for sex, you would have been just like her other sex partners, a tool for her physical satisfaction.

2. What changed between the 2nd night & the 3rd? on the 3rd night also she came on to me.
It was your reaction that makes the difference. If she does this with everyone why not with you too?

3. Is it possible she wanted to make out on the 2nd night but was just trying to create an image that she's not that easy?
You had a second night with her. AND a 3rd. That in itself means something.

4. For the first few months she refused to acknowledge that we are in a relationship or that she's my girlfriend. She say things like "So what if we are having sex, sex I can have with anybody" or while making out she'd ask if the sex is better now or in a relationship & I'd say in a relationship & she'd call me a liar.
She wasn’t ready to have titles and responsibilities. Why should she go that far.

5. I just think she's had many casual encounters, she was a total drunk, she picked up men at work, online, friends friends and drank & made out with them after her boyfriend left her. Am having trouble trying to figure out if the physical attraction between us is enough to keep us together.
No its not, and never will be, because there has to be more after the lust wears off, and the honeymoon phase is over.

6. We love each other & despite everything, I wanna marry her. Since the first date at her apartment; she didnt let me leave and then I moved in. Its been 8 months now but her past still haunts me. How could she horse around & make out with some of the worst playboys at work but said no to me? Does she really love me or is just scared to be alone? How bad could I be that i"m the only guy she didn't make out for 2 days with?
Maybe you were different because you wanted more than just sex, so she let you into her world. The others seem to be just casual sex. She is free and not ashamed of herself.

Yet she claims she loves me to pieces and the sex is some of the best ever. she puts up with all my questions and is totally hung up on me like nobody ever. My problem is that I have never had any casual encounters. The first girl i made out with, I was with her for 5 years in a committed relationship & the second girl was my best friend who I married. this girl is the third girl in my life.
You seem to get attached very easily. Nothing wrong with that as long as the attachment is mutual, and it seems to be.

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Please tell me if this will last/ I just feel she had her fun with every hot guy in town & just wants to settle down with somebody who would be committed to her. The fact that she turned me down on the 2nd night, haunts me everyday. If she was the kind who takes a few days to lose her clothes, I'd understand. But she is not that kind.

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Maybe she like you wanted more than just sex casually. Don’t let her past haunt you. Enjoy getting to know each other and see if there is something there besides just two horny people who enjoy each others bodies.

Maybe she has done the wild thing before, with many others. So what. All that matters is that you see if there is more in the future as you enjoy finding out more. Don’t dwell on the past, accept what she said and just go forward. I think that the key for you is to stay aware of what's going on and not look to far into the future and get carried away by unrealistic expectations.

The time to worry about her past was before you had sex, and before you moved in. If you can't handle what you have got, be honest and tell her, and then leave. I think you are letting past failure enter into your thinking, and that would be a shame if you haven't, or can't let the past go so you can move forward.

Talanimam, Thank you so much for such a detailed response. I am just confused by your answer to my 5th questions.

I asked if the physical attraction between us is enough. You replied that it's not. Does that mean she had better physical attraction with other guys? Or are you saying there always has to be more than physical attraction to keep it together?

Everything is good, we enjoy each other's company & deeply care about each other. We spend every minute together and can't imagine losing each other. I am only trying to reassure myself that it's not a perfect relationship in all areas except physical attraction. That would be not sustainable because she would eventually be attracted to other guys.

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[QUOTE by talaniman;
The questions I have are:
5. I just think she's had many casual encounters, she was a total drunk, she picked up men at work, online, friends friends and drank & made out with them after her boyfriend left her. Am having trouble trying to figure out if the physical attraction between us is enough to keep us together.
No its not, and never will be, because there has to be more after the lust wears off, and the honeymoon phase is over.

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I think the key point is that you held back. You didn't jump her bones at the first chance. That makes you different. Your not a "F Buddy", nor "Friends with benefits".

Her jumping at "anything that moves" may have been a coping strategy with the loss of a boyfriend".

You "broke the cycle" and now it's something different. The "unlabeled item".

Moving in together must mean something and probably put a label on you together as a "committed relationship".

Remember that alcohol lowers inhibitions and reasoning is impaired. She is a different person in that state.

I'll end with asking a question: What's the role of alcohol in the relationship now?

We went out a few time sto Hard Rock café and other pubs, had a good time. Then we started having these fights about her past and one day she drank too much at home & I had to admit her to a hospital. She was diagnosed with severe alcohol intoxication and an impaired Pancreas. The doctor advised her to quit drining and she did. It's been over 6 months and I am positive she will never drink again. Even I haven't had a drink in over a month.

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[QUOTE by talaniman;
The questions I have are:
5. I just think she's had many casual encounters, she was a total drunk, she picked up men at work, online, friends friends and drank & made out with them after her boyfriend left her. Am having trouble trying to figure out if the physical attraction between us is enough to keep us together.
No its not, and never will be, because there has to be more after the lust wears off, and the honeymoon phase is over.

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Whether her past behavior was alcohol induced, or the drinking was a way to deal with the pain of a break up, is rather irrelevant at this point, but the key to a relationship surviving is more about whether a couple can resolve any issue that life throws at them, thru a willingness to work together, thru honest communications, NOT whether or not the sex is great.

Poor communications will destroy the healthiest, or greatest sex there is, when problems in other areas of the relationship goes unresolved for whatever reason.

Thanks for the alcohol tidbit. Getting over that was a big bump in the relationship, now, I think, for the better.

Put it in your mind that her behavior WAS alcohol induced and go from there. Put it in the past.

talaniman sums it up

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Originally Posted by talaniman

key to a relationship surviving is more about whether or not a couple can resolve any issue that life throws at them, thru a willingness to work together, thru honest communications, NOT whether or not the sex is great.

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What are you waiting for? Put the bumps in the past. Strive for honest communication and work together to build the relationship.

I am going to say that both of you appear to have been extremely confused when you first began dating. How long were you separated before you asked this woman out?

You were separated from your wife when you asked her out. She tells you she doesn't want a serious relationship and you get upset because you don't want a 'fling'. Then when she slows things down, you get upset because she isn't treating you like a 'fling'. Now, you are living together and talking about marriage.

I think you need to slow down. I am not certain if you are making choices or going with the way the wind is blowing.

I would worry less about her past and more about yours. Did you do any healing before you got involved with her? Yes, you still need healing time and space even when you remain friends with your ex-wife. (Is she legally your ex-wife, now?) Did you know your wife while you were dating the first girl? How long between break up with the first girl and dating your wife? This woman is a co-worker who you have known for how long? Since before separating from your wife?

Thank You so much Keepp It Simple Stupid & Talaniman. The sex is steamy, that was never an issue. The issue was how to put the past behind & move forward. I guess I can just blame it on alcohol & move forward. Plus it's a bonus that she doesn't drink anymore.

Thank You again.