My son is a very smart , handsome and charismatic young man of 32 who has worked for our family business as he did not finish college and has drifted since he graduated high school. He has no girl friend but is the most friendliest guy you could meet. He has had trouble for at least 10 years and is now in a court order rehab. Facility and has been there 5 months. My concern lays in several areas. Should I do the following? One, he has a 11000.00 income tax bill which I am thinking of paying with his inheritance money. I want that to be the last of bills paid for him as he needs to stand on his own feet when he returns to society and he will need to work for everything else. Two, his father does not think he his an alcoholic problem but I do. Should I go alone to the al-lon meetings? I was hoping we could go together, as we both want to support our son. I need to be prepared when my son is out of rehab. What do I need to do to be ready?
Thank you for your help.

You should go to the Alanon meetings. If not together, alone.

It's good that he is rehab. He is going to need all the help that he can get right now. And as far as the tax bill, I can tell you as someone who is in recovery(15 months), it's always best to NOT have to be overwhelmed by debt right now. BUT, he has to be able to deal with the other problems as they arise.

Your son is sick, not "damaged" as your husband probably feels. Alcoholism is not a state of mind.

I have to ask, does your husband drink heavily? Why the denial?

I would not pay any of his bills, he can just not pay it for a bit, and then work out a payment plan, he got into the bill, he needs as part of his recovery learn to make admins and pay his bills and other debts ( money and emotional)

You should if you are going to help him at all, set very strict standards of conduct that is acceptable, and explain what will happen if he crosses those lines.

If he is in court ordered rehab for the past five months, he must have had some serious charges to face. I presume the 'trouble' you refer to over the past 10 years, has been a result of his drinking? Is there drug use involved here as well? An $11,000 tax bill has resulted from something seriously gone wrong as well.

So you have kept him employed in the family business, and I'm only guessing here, but it isn't likely any other employer would have kept him on. Did he also live at home, and have you covered his rear for outstanding debts, or have you also provided a car, insurance, a phone etc. for him as well.

As to the income tax bill, at age 32, he can make his own arrangements to pay that bill, and request installments, or work hard enough to qualify for a loan to pay it off.

When he gets out of rehab, will he have any conditions attached, such as a suspended drivers' license, community service, fines, etc?

I would contact the person in charge of his rehab now, and meet with his counsellor for advice on what to expect when he is released. Your son would probably have to sign an agreement for them to talk to you, and I would ask for a meeting. They very well could be expecting him to follow up with visits, or have drug/alcohol random tests if he is also going to be on probation. It is important you know the conditions of his release.

If he falls back into what I suspect are familiar patterns of behaviour, this will undermine any success that he has achieved.

I would personally not bail out a 32 year old son of mine. While you need to understand that continuing to support him will actually undermine his personal success, that doesn't mean that you cannot contribute in a positive way with boundaries and expectations.

To have some sort of counselling in place for you and your husband, before he is released is a good idea, if he does come to live at home, the three of you should attend counselling together, at least during the transition period.