I'm sorry this is long, there has been a lot of issues in our marriage. Also, I am posting this here because after looking at the "adult sexuality" section, those questions all seemed to be concerning teenagers and bf/gf issues, I hope this is the right place. Condensed version of our pre-marriage life- my husband was my first and ONLY boyfriend; high school sweethearts. I found out when we were engaged and I was pregnant with our first child (19) that he had a serious porn addiction created by sexual abuse he had suffered as a kid. I also caught him in the act of physically cheating on me. Flash forward to two weeks after our wedding 2 years later (honestly, I think I was too scared to be a single mom and truly believed he'd changed after counseling so I went through with the marriage); I found out from a girl he'd grown up with that he had taken her to a strip club the night before our wedding and some petting took place. Our marriage was broken but not ended, we had more counseling. By 2 years into our marriage, and another kid I found out he'd been visiting adult stores and going into "porn booths". Again, our marriage almost ended. I applied for legal aid to start a divorce and told him I was done. At that point he took a turning point. He realized how much he'd be losing and really wanted a change. We underwent more counseling. He was eventually diagnosed with PTSD from the abuse he'd suffered as a child. For several years we "enjoyed" our marriage free of any form of infidelity. We have now been married for 11 years. He just recently told me that with all of his healing and time that has passed, he has learned that sexual drives in a man are normal, not dirty or perverted. I wholeheartedly agree. However, in this "conversation" he said he wants to be able to be open with me and should he enjoy viewing a porn site once in a while or should a friend have a bachelors party at a strip club, he feels he should be able to with no objection from me. I however, am fundamentally opposed to these things. They have caused nothing but trouble in our relationship from the start. I feel if I'd had more experience with other men, other boyfriends I'd have a better idea of what is normal for a guy, but I don't have that perspective. Please tell me, am I now over reacting to his request? Are his requests within the normal range of a marriage? Should I be "over" the past infidelity as he thinks I should? When I try to tell him that the things he did truly hurt and scarred me he thinks that because it happened to me as an "adult" I should be able to move on, whereas his abuse happened to him as a child so he can continue to feel hurt and pain from his experiences but not me from mine? Because we had all these extreme issues from the start I feel that I have never had a normal sexual relationship, or for that matter, viewpoint, and don't know what normal is. Please help.

I can only give my opinion, which is this.
What he wants is totally "normal" in that many men do this. But a lot of things are common (normal), including lung cancer from smoking, sexual assaults on women and children, and poor diet. Being common doesn't make something good.

While many men indulge themselves as he wants to, many do not. So it's not as if porn and bachelor parties are a prerequisite to a healthy normal life. I know many men who are made uncomfortable by this.

Given your history, I think it's obvious he cannot control himself when in the presence of temptation and that his impulse is to actively seek temptation. Why should you give your consent to this? Why should you give your permission for something that you know will hurt you and your family?

I think you should give him a definite no. These are your boundaries and you have made them clear for a long time. You've given him plenty of chances; you've been more than generous. You are not now obliged to tell him it's fine when you know it's not. But above all, do not give him permission to hurt you. And do not let him make you feel guilty about saying no. Your values are important.

I don't know who put him up to the idea of asking for this now.

Because, I presume, he was diagnosed with PTSD, and an addiction to porn, and having gone through counselling and worked so hard- why does he want to go is my question.

To me it's like saying, OK, I kicked the cocaine habit, so it should be OK for me to smoke weed (or any other drug), and I don't expect any grief from you over it.

No, I don't think it's okay, and yes, I believe you have every right, having worked so hard and invested so much time and love into your marriage to get this straightened out in the first place, to say that 'no' is not at all unreasonable.

Maybe he needs a tuneup therapy session or two.

If he had an addiction, it is still there, so the answer would be 'no'.

It's like an alcoholic saying "I understand a casual drink is normal, so can I have a couple drinks in the afternoon?" No.

It's normal for some people who don't have an addiction to watch porn or go to the occasional Strip club, sometimes it could be healthy. Not this time.

In most cases, I would say that what he wants IS within the normal bounds "allowable".

However, given the history of your relationship---absolutely NO. Not just no, but HELL no.

Part of his therapy should be that he acknowledge the hurt he has caused you, and that he realize that HIS previous behaviour is the reason you are fundamentally against those activities.

He doesn't get to HAVE normal anymore. Sorry, he blew it, and his choice is now being "normal" or being happy with his wife.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hurt32

Should I be "over" the past infidelity as he thinks I should? When I try to tell him that the things he did truly hurt and scarred me he thinks that because it happened to me as an "adult" I should be able to move on, whereas his abuse happened to him as a child so he can continue to feel hurt and pain from his experiences but not me from mine?

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I'm really bothered that he says you should be "over" his infidelity. I'm equally bothered that he thinks his emotional reactions to things count more than yours. He is discounting your feelings. It seems to me he is neither cherishing nor respecting you.

If he was doing either of those, he would not think that going to strip clubs and looking at porn with your permission was more important than your ability to trust him and feel safe and valued in your marriage.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

Because, I presume, he was diagnosed with PTSD, and an addiction to porn, and having gone through counselling and worked so hard- why does he want to go is my question.

To me it's like saying, ok, I kicked the cocaine habit, so it should be ok for me to smoke weed (or any other drug), and I don't expect any grief from you over it.

No, I don't think it's okay, and yes, I believe you have every right, having worked so hard and invested so much time and love into your marriage to get this straightened out in the first place, to say that 'no' is not at all unreasonable.

Maybe he needs a tuneup therapy session or two.

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Have to spread some rep, but you are so right.

You have received some wonderful advice here.
I hope you heed it.
His request are way out of line.

It seems to be time to go back to counseling again. He seems to have forgotten what he learned and is now using his childhood as an excuse or rationalization to get what he wants.

'Normally', I would say that you needed to discuss the matter with him and come to a compromise. This situation is not 'normal'. As has been said, 'normal' left the building years ago.

His request and reaction to your feelings sounds like a petulant child not getting his way. That tells me, he is backsliding. I don't know if he is being influenced by people who do not know or understand his past, but he should remember enough of the pain and hurt he felt and caused to keep him from contemplating even asking about porn or strip clubs.

He is asking you to be his 'enabler' and that isn't good for either of you or your children. Call a counselor instead.

Its very normal for an addicted person to think he is cured because he feels better. He is not, and should go back and talk to the ones that have helped him before.

Stand very firm in your complete rejection of his trying to be normal, and do as normal people do because he is not NORMAL, nor is he cured. He will never be cured but can live normally if he sticks to what got him over his past!