Me and my wife been married for 9 years and we both 34. Over the past 4 years our sex life has became less and less. Only 9 times last year and to this year it is only 2 and they were more less special occations... valentine's day and anniversery. Every time I try to talk to her about it, she don't want to talk about it and say I get on her nerves about it cause that is what it seems like I think about... SEX. I tell her not true but she shoots me a look like yeah right. I want to talk to her again about it and just see what can be done to improve it like it was years ago where she would jump my bones before I could her

Its no good if she refuses to talk about it. Personally I would immediately think her lack to even discuss this is because she is feeling guilty. She could feel guilty about not giving it enough or other reasons.

Tell her you need to talk about this, as a relationship requires work no matter how long you have been married. Talk when she agrees to. Then ask her why she no longer wants it?

Give her time to think and listen. Even if you just pretend to understand her point of view. Personally I have never been able to understand 99% of women's perspectives because I am not a women myself. So I fake it. Some men can do this. I honestly cannot. Their reasoning capability is irrational and driven on emotions instead of logic.

Rant aside. Instead of focusing on the sex for now, try to get a open channel of communication going. Only after this has been established can you discuss sex.

My fiancé is very touchy when it comes to sex talk. It makes her uncomfortable and she gets upset very easily. But on the right day at the right time she has no issues talking about this.

Also, try to make her feel like a little girl again. I know this advise is bad considering if your brain works anything like mine, by now you feel rejected, unwanted and unloved. Exactly what prevents us from making them feel special.

Bottom line. Establish an open line of communication. If that cannot be achieved go for counceling. This helps to establish that vital communication line.

Understand where you coming from. Just seems like love life gone downhill. Seems like we don't even just kiss romantically as much. Just a quick kiss and that is it. Very frustrating. Laid in bed last night and didn't sleep much cause just not sure what I can really do

I know that feeling and I have not even been married. Still just engaged. I seem to lose communication in my relationship around the same time our sex life dies down. Then its fights over sex, where eventually I try to re-establish communication for a few days before addressing my concerns.

The following is not advise on the problem but more of personal well being advise. Go jog. You get what they call a "runners-high".

Its what has been keeping me sane during this extremely stressfull period in my relationship.

I know the feeling of lying awake at night analyzing the situation. Been there twice this week already. Try to get both of you talking again. It's the only way.

Talaniman Rule- Love the mind, the body will follow.

Its just that simple. This is your female to pay attention to, and get to know very well, on a deeper level than just the physical.

Lack of sex is but a symptom of an even greater issue, that needs to be addressed, in other areas of the relationship. That search starts in her brain, so don't be distracted by your physical needs that you fail to notice things you need to know.

Females are emotional, true, but they are very logical, and the key to how their minds works is paying close attention, and know they are deeper than just lovely attractive creatures, that stir the juices in us men.

They are complicated and unique, and where a picture gets you raring to go, with them it's a much deeper stimulation, than the physical.

You are not paying attention to how she is communicating, nor responding to what she is telling you. If your only overtures are for sex, then of course you will get none. Love her like she wants, and she will wear your arse out in many ways you never thought possible.

So its not about talking, and getting, its about deserving, and earning. Pay attention to how you relate to each other and do without discussing, but by what you observe. That's takes practice so get started.

I treat her with respect. I do a lot of things for her and listen to her concerns. Just times I feel that just goes unnoticed. She says she tired... respect that. But I get less sleep and is running fine. She comes home, cooks, and spends the rest of the night on the computer while I do dishes, have to give a puppy a bath, wash clothes and then when she ain't on the computer, she says lets watch t.v. and 30 minutes later she reaching for the computer and playing on it and not really paying the show any mind

That's because you are only casually scraping the surface to a complex person who needs intellectual stimulation, and can watch TV, AND be on her computer. If your first thought is " I thought we were watching TV together", you are not paying attention. Think again, this is her relaxing with you. Content to sharing space, if not words. Let her be content. Those are great bonding moments, so next time your watching TV, massage her favorite toe. Don't know which one it is, massage them all, until you do know. Notice how she sits on the couch with you, and what she does as she settles in. That will speak volumes as to what she wants from you. Sometimes you just observe without comment, how she reacts to what you do, or try to do.

Get out of self, and what you feel sometimes, and focus on your female, and learn her language. Its really not that hard, but like most young guys you are easily distracted by yourself, and your needs.

I focus on her. But it is just like I said, she just don't seem to get passionate or she would kiss some and say later and when later comes the mood is destroyed because she ready for bed and our little boy wants to sleep in bed with her and she lets him in even when I say no cause he near 8 years old

To the great advice you have been given, I am going to add that you appear to be a rut. Nothing is more emotionally draining and mentally tiring than doing the same things over and over again. Unfortunately, it can be really easy to get stuck and not so easy to get out. Most of the time it can be hard to see that you are in one until it has become an ingrained habit. Changing any habit takes time, patience and perseverance.

Part of your rut is that both of you seem to be leading separate lives in the same house. She cooks. You clean. Why not do these things together?

Surprise her with a picnic (that she doesn't have to cook the food for).

Go for a walk with the dog together.

Ask her to play with you and the dog.

Ask her to play a game with you. Checkers, Backgamon, Chess, World of WarCraft, etc. you get the idea.

Have fun time together just playing and laughing. No expectations of anything other than enjoying being together.

One other thing, if she hasn't been to see her doctor in a long while, she may need to have a check up to rule out any physical issues. Having her hormone levels checked might be a good idea too.

Edit to remove asking about children.

We do at time take walks as family... me, her, kids and dog... I am not much of a cook, never been able to master cooking. But I have mentioned picnic before and she not down with the idea. She has gone to doctor months ago but I don't really know what was said. This past week, we had 3 days of the house to ourselves just me and her but she wasn't down with taking advantage of it. Just cook and mess on computer

We do at time take walks as family... me, her, kids and dog... I am not much of a cook, never been able to master cooking. But I have mentioned picnic before and she not down with the idea. She has gone to doctor months ago but I don't really know what was said. This past week, we had 3 days of the house to ourselves just me and her but she wasn't down with taking advantage of it. Just cook and mess on computer

Once a week, go out together and just talk. Get a sitter and go to a simple restaurant, take a walk together. No expectations. Just do something together with no interruptions from your son. This is a good time to talk about things, but keep it mellow and don't spend the whole time on problems, or you will both come to dread it. You will be amazed what this can do for your marriage.
Also follow the other great advice here.

How many children and how old are they (you mention a son in one post and use the word 'kids' in another)? Who mainly oversees the homework and chores? How many pets?

I think you lack balance as it sounds like you depend on her to be happy.

Do you do things outside the home on a regular basis, like a sport, or hobby? Are you a home body. Do you work regular hours. No joke sometimes the disconnect is us trying too hard, and expectations that are hard to meet.

If you don't know what her doctor appointment was about, you are NOT paying close attention.

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Originally Posted by bobby0476

she comes home, cooks, and spends the rest of the night on the computer while i do dishes, have to give a puppy a bath, wash clothes and then when she ain't on the computer, she says lets watch t.v. and 30 minutes later she reaching for the computer and playing on it and not really paying the show any mind

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I'm stuck on this... Do you know exactly what she does on the computer? Is she playing MMO kind of games? Do you play video games?