I have been in a relationship for 4 yrs, we have 2 children together, 2 and 1. Our relationship has had it's up and downs, last summer I kicked him out when I found another female at our house. He wanted to work things out but I still made him leave. Eventually a few months of being separated we reconciled, we both messed around with other people, he messed around with other women besides the one I found at our house during our time apart. After a month of being back together, the women I found at our house said she was pregnant. However we got married despite this news. Then my newly husband got arrested for something him and that woman did while they were seeing each other, so now my husband is in jail and this woman has had the baby, during her pregnancy, she would say yes we can see the baby then no we can't to screw off. I know she still has feelings for my husband. I have tried to be sane during this whole mess, I even gave her a carseat, stroller, clothes, etc... All my friends are like girl I would whip the girls notgiving her things. I am trying to be strong during this situation. No one knows about this so called love child except the woman's family, my husband wants to keep it between us for now. I guess what I am asking is someone's point of view, any advice on this, please help.

This is an unenviable situation you are involved in . I feel the first priority is the welfare of the child. Does your husband intend on being named on the birth certificate and providing support? That is essential. It is unimaginable to me how anyone could not want to be involved in the life of their child. And be willing to provide the time and attention and financial support it takes to raise a child.

I would consult a lawyer regarding custody and visitation because if it is not court ordered or outlined in a binding legal document it almost always turns into a disaster and the child is usually the one who suffers most from the parental wars and hassels. Children do better when both parents are involved in raising them and not fighting over them or using them as pawns in emotional battles.

You may consider trying to reach an agreement with the mother to let you and your husband raise the child because being a single parent is no easy task and I speak from experience. But let her know she is not only allowed to be in the child's life but is expected to be and welcomed.

These can be monumental tasks . But if approached correctly by all parties , and the welfare of the child is paramount in all considerations it will be something you can accomplish .

You and your husband will have to deal with the mother and her family for the next 18 years so be civil , open , honest and CALM in those dealings.

How does your husband feel about having the child? How does the mother feel about having the child? How do you feel about the child being your husbands flesh and blood?

Ideally the three of you will turn this emotional tornado into a thing of joy in being responsible loving parents of a beautiful innocent baby that deserves nothing less than the best efforts from all of you.
May God help you make and live the decisions that will be best for the baby and all of you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dani8579

Then my newly husband got arrested for something him and that woman did while they were seeing each other, so now my husband is in jail ...

---

Why isn't she in jail?

Has there been a DNA test to prove he is the biological father of the child?

How long is he in jail for?

How old is the child?

How do you feel about the child (ignoring the mother for the moment)? Do you think you are capable of accepting him/her around your children?

On one hand, you have no responsibility toward her or the child. On the other, your husband does. IF he is the father, he has a responsibility to provide what he can for the child regardless of what the mother wants. Failure to do so can result in more problems for him. Better that he take responsibility and be proactive rather than react to anything she does.

I am surprised that she hasn't taken him to court to get child support.

I agree with martinizing2 that getting a lawyer and working things out through the court system is the best way to go.

He is in jail because of her. I think he can handle people knowing the child is his (if it is).

It is also important for your children to know their half-sibling as they grow up. They will learn about the child sooner or later and sooner is usually best for all involved.

You were in a relationship with this man, had some serious problems (red flags), decided to have two children with him, found another woman in YOUR house, threw him out, took him back, found out he got her pregnant, then decided to marry him.

Then you find that he's landed in jail for unknown reasons, for something he did with the woman you found in your house. Were there drugs involved?

But, despite all of this, you are trying to do the right thing as far as his baby with the woman in the house is concerned.

I think, as has already been said, he needs to establish paternity via DNA. I presume you have demanded this right off the bat.

He also has to hire a lawyer, and establish his desire to have regular contact with his child, in court.

These are problems that he needs to fix himself, because he created them.

When and if he is established as the father, and visitation begins, that is when you start putting some sort of plan together to provide a loving home for this new child.

Until then, everything is questionable. Whether he is the father, whether he's going to step up and secure his rights as a father, how he deals with her, and how the two of them can work together for the emotional well being of this child.

For the sake of all the children, your two with him, and a possible third child he has with this other woman, I hope he is up to the task of making it happen.

You both had multiple partners during the time you were not together, I strongly recommend that you are both tested for STD's.

I give you high marks for being a good kind human being. It think its your guy that has responsibilities to stand for when he gets out of jail, and not you to be honest. His other baby mama has family to help her, do you? Who supports you and yours?

I would be very careful helping those that should be helping themselves. As some people won't appreciate the help, mainly the other baby mama, or the daddy. That secret stuff is very unsettling.

Well first who cares if she says to "kiss off" when he gets out of jail, he files in court for visits and the court makes her allow him to see the child.

Also the "between us" almost never works, make it official in court.

Also you have no rights to visit the child, so you just leave it alone till hubby is out of jail