Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend can't make me finish, easier to masturbate

I’ve been with my girlfriend over a year, and everything’s great except that it’s easier for me to get-off by masturbating than by having oral sex with her.

Quick background: we’re both 21, she’s the only girlfriend I’ve been sexually active with, and we aren’t going further than oral sex/69/hand-jobs until marriage due to personal & religious reasons, which I’m perfectly fine with (I realize many don’t agree or understand, but let’s not turn this into a religious debate).

Details: I love giving her pleasure, in fact going down on her and seeing her orgasm almost gives me more pleasure than receiving, during which it sometimes just doesn’t feel good enough to push me over the edge, and it’s not a physical problem, since I could finish myself in under a min. When I masturbate (5x/week, we’re long-distance currently), I can do it by looking at a fully-clothed picture of her or even nothing (mental fantasizing only). I only watch porn 1–2 times a month, and I’m even trying to stop that completely. I'm worried as it's starting to negatively affect our relationship. The worst situation was one morning she tried to get me to do stuff with her (basically begging for sex), and I blew her off, then did it myself as soon as she left for work. Sometimes when she's going down on me, I'll mentally fantasize about stuff just so I can finish and avoid the “what’s wrong, are you not attracted to me anymore” conversation. I love her and will do anything I can think of, I'm just trying to figure out how much of this is me vs. her? (I’m guessing most of it is my problem). Any suggestions on what I can do to improve things? Thanks!

I’m thinking it could be caused one or more of the following:

She's inexperienced at giving oral (she was unable to make her ex finish w/ oral either, he'd finish himself). I wish I had someone else to compare her to, but this is the only girl I’ve done stuff with. If this is the case, will it resolve itself when we start having actual-sex?

Is it that I'm too used to my own hand and the “optimized” sensation, pressure, & speed it allows for since it’s all going through my brain, making it harder to receive pleasure from others? Will masturbating less-frequently help that?

Am I still sexually attracted to her? I think I am, but I’ll find myself attracted to a girl walking down the street and will wonder what she’s like in bed, even though I could objectively say my gf is hotter. Is it just the common guy-problem of wanting something new, or “I already know what my gf looks like naked, I want to see what she looks like”. Once again, because I don’t have sexual experience with anyone else, I can’t tell if it’s really a lack of attraction, or if I’m just experiencing the initial excitement start to dwindle as it turns into more long-distance, stable relationship.

I also feel a mental aspect is missing. I don’t mind “making love” but sometimes I just want a girl to f***. I’ve brought this up many times to her; dirty-talk, sexual attitude, letting yourself go, etc, and she tries, but since it sounds so forced, and since I know she doesn’t actually think or feel those thoughts, it doesn’t help. It's like her mind just can't (or doesn't) go there. I know I shouldn’t be expecting my (still-technically-a-virgin) girlfriend to act like a pornstar, but when I’m fingering her and all she can think about is bacteria getting in and possibly getting infected (guess it happened once a while back) and pulls my finger out (just one example), I get frustrated and wonder why she can't just let go and forget about normal life for a just one minute. I’ve tried explaining “letting go” but she doesn't understand how two people go from a non-sexual mood/attitude to something much different, where you’re both talking and acting different. For example she’ll say: “I don’t tell you what to do in real life, why would I tell you what to do in bed”. Most of the little stuff you'd say or do when you're in that mood or "zone", I'd feel dirty and uncomfortable doing around her. In other words, she makes the whole sexual experience seem so normal and every-day to me, not dirty or erotic. Is that because she's kind-of prude, something that can change over time (or after marriage at least), or is this a major compatibility issue that I should be worried about?

Oh to be young again. *sigh* Masturbation is just getting off. It isn't making love. Making love, getting head in your case, will take longer. Just the nature of the beast.

I honestly sounds like she doesn't know how to blow you. Just needs a little practise. To be honest, it is an art. Since she is also you're first, it could be that you don't know how to teach her to blow you properly.

Fantasy is something that is healthy and normal for most men. Read about the porn debates in here to get a taste. You get the same rush from watching porn as you do fantasizing about that woman walking down the street. It is part of the male hormonal drive to procreate. You are just sniffing out possible mates.

There is really no link to not being able to ejaculate and whether you're attracted to the person. None of my GF's/Wives have been able to blow me successfully. Most the time it comes down to manual stimulation. I have just finished teaching my GF how to give me a handjob.

It sounds like you both are a little insecure in the relationship, that is par for long distance relationships. Trust is there, but when the other part is so far away... Look inside yourself, what would need to happen for you to leave. It would take quite a bit eh? It would take the same amount for your woman to leave you. She needs to realize this as well. Bad sex happens to everyone, it isn't indicitive to the person feelings. For the most part at least.

As for your list:
1). Her oral skills will only improve with practise. She needs to practise. It is like any percise skill, i.e. violin, piano, fencing, etc. you need to realize that you're going to suck for the first little bit before you learn how to do it well. No pun intended.

2). Maybe, though that is less likely. If you were losing it half way through the process than maybe. The best way to tell is to masturbate less. That could help with the anticipation.

3).Yes you are still attracted to her. I do that too. Just because you're attached doesn't mean you instantly stop looking. You never stop looking.

4). She needs to get used to your kink. It could be that she really isn't into dirty talking. My Ex-wife was sort of into it, but I always found it degrading. As being a participant, she didn't need the play by play and the euphemisms she wanted me to use... well I ain't that type of man.

Everyone has an idealized version of what a sexual encounter is. What happens is rarely what you want it to be. I think your idea of a sex is quite different than hers. It might be something that will change it might not.

Maybe a good talk would help.

Good luck!

Be patient, keep instructing at times (since she seems to be inexperienced). You can begin with telling her some erotic stories, then getting into foreplay and move forward then.

Quote:

Originally Posted by minxhaematic

I love giving her pleasure, in fact going down on her and seeing her orgasm almost gives me more pleasure than receiving

Hello m:

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that she's faking it. Sex takes some learning... Tell me, Youngster, how is it, that upon your first visit to the netherworld, you knew exactly which part to get friendly with? I got to admit, my first visit down there was mystifying. Most of us need some detailed instruction. If that's how you learned, then you need to furnish her with the same amount of detailed instruction...

But, I think she's faking... If it takes a hand for you to finish, why is it YOUR hand?? Something's missing here.

excon

Thanks for the advice CravenMorhead, that's helpful, and makes sense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by excon

she's faking it

I'm not really sure of a way (or a reason) to prove that on an Internet forum, so you'll have to trust me on that one. :)

As for why it's my hand, I guess it's because her hand wouldn't feel any better than her mouth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by minxhaematic

Thanks for the advice CravenMorhead, that's helpful, and makes sense.

As for why it's my hand, I guess it's because her hand wouldn't feel any better than her mouth.

Glad to help.

As for her hand versus mouth... there is a actual big feeling difference. At least as far as I have found. You should be able to show her how you masturbate and she can get it that way. Spice it up with some other stuff and you're golden.

Depending on how experienced she is, she may or may not be faking it. Scientists have reciently found that the only way to be sure that a woman isn't faking it is a CAT scan. Those are a little too expensive for this kind of test. If she is faking it, there will be a bit of hurt pride on your part, but she will be the ultimate loser. Instead of teaching you how to approach her body, she is settling for a sub par experience. It ain't your fault.

Just had to throw that in there. Happy Hunting!

I'll have her give that a try, thanks.

As for her "faking it", I'm still trying to figure out how it related to this thread, but I never admitted to making her orgasm when we first started dating (and I'm sure I didn't), but that was 1.5 years ago. Since then, after time/practice, I can now... still not every time, but I can tell when she doesn't and she's open and actually tells me when she doesn't as well (she said she'd rather be able to be open then have to "pretend", and I agreed). It might sting for a second but you realize everyone has off days or is not in the right mindset sometimes.

But what does that have to do with me not being able to finish?

Nothing actually, it was something the ExCon threw in. He was suggesting that she wasn't either but giving the allusion that she was.

Pay it no mind.

Easy is not best, plus masterbating often makes it harder to practice regular sex.

#2. And, yes, intercourse will be difficult too. Your hand exerts more pressure and you have become used to that.

Not everyone talks dirty in bed. And you have developed a porn-oriented taste/habit that just makes her uncomfortable. To me, it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on her to fulfill your fantasies, which I'm guessing come from watching porn. Let her be herself.

Also, stop masturbating every day and, especially when you are going to be with her, lay off for at least one week. She needs some successes, and it's beginning to sound like you do too.

Finally, if she got a bladder infection, then by all means cut your fingernails very short and wash, both your hands and your genitals, before making love, so she doesn't get another infection. Make sure to rinse a LOT because soap is not good for the pH in her vagina. Be a considerate and patient lover.

And start making the transition from masturbation and porn to another person. It might seem frustrating at first, but in the long run, it'll be better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

Nothing actually, it was something the ExCon threw in.

Pay it no mind.

Hello again,

Oh, I think it has a LOT to do with it. Sex actually happens between your ears, and not in your genitals. To me, I see a communication problem here - not a sex problem, and I went out on a limb suggesting that the lack of communication manifest's itself in fake orgasm's. I certainly COULD be wrong about the orgasm, but I'm not wrong about communication.

Pay me no mind at your peril. I'm right 9 times out of 10.

excon

Quote:

Originally Posted by asking

you have developed a porn-oriented taste/habit

Thanks @asking. Yeah, that's what I was afraid of, but you're probably right. I'll try to stop the porn completely and cut back on masturbating. I'll see her next week, so I'll see how things go then. It's usually good when I haven't seen her in a while though, I just seem to get bored quickly (maybe my ADHD affects more than I realize).

... and yeah, I felt really bad, but I learned the lesson about the fingernails and hand-washing. :o

And @excon, I don't doubt communication may having something to do with it, but we are really open. At one point or another I've told her everything (ok almost everything) in this thread -not in the same words of course.

I do want to point out that "letting go" leads to infections, STDs, and pregnancy.

Women do not usually "let go" completely until they are married or in a stable relationship where a pregnancy isn't going to ruin their lives.

Also--until you have had a vaginal or urinary tract infection, keep your judgment to yourself about the whole cleanliness thing. When you are literally doubled over in pain from an infection, making sure your lover washes his hands becomes a major concern. Not to mention that some of those infections, if left untreated, can lead to MAJOR problems, up to and including infertility. Just wash your freaking hands and stop wishing for a porn star.

Speaking of porn stars: They don't exist in the real world. You have a real woman--how about not wanting what you don't have, and wanting what you do?

If you REALLY want a better idea of what HER idea of "sexy" is, as opposed to your porn-oriented view---read a good romance novel. Betcha the differences between the sex scenes in a female oriented genre of "porn" as opposed to the visual pornography that's all over the internet that seems to be male oriented will open your eyes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by excon

Hello again,

Oh, I think it has a LOT to do with it. Sex actually happens between your ears, and not in your genitals. To me, I see a communication problem here - not a sex problem, and I went out on a limb suggesting that the lack of communication manifest's itself in fake orgasm's. I certainly COULD be wrong about the orgasm, but I'm not wrong about communication.

Pay me no mind at your peril. I'm right 9 times out of 10.

excon

I was actually on board for this, until I read the following:

Quote:

Originally Posted by minxhaematic

As for her "faking it", I'm still trying to figure out how it related to this thread, but I never admitted to making her orgasm when we first started dating (and I'm sure I didn't), but that was 1.5 years ago. Since then, after time/practice, I can now... still not every time, but I can tell when she doesn't and she's open and actually tells me when she doesn't as well (she said she'd rather be able to be open then have to "pretend", and I agreed). It might sting for a second but you realize everyone has off days or is not in the right mindset sometimes

Now, I am leaning more towards her not faking it, it sounds like:

Quote:

Originally Posted by excon

I gotta admit, my first visit down there was mystifying. Most of us need some detailed instruction. If that's how you learned...

I will admit that you have a funny way of saying lack of communication, which I see as well, but I don't think she is faking it.

You may think this a crazy idea, that's you're choice however, I know people who have used this info and it wasn't long before happiness reigned supreme.

Ok, tell your g/f to practice with a peeled possibly unpeeled banana, that way she can take it in her mouth at her leisure, until she feels more able, she can even learn to do deep throat this way, she will need to relax the muscles at the back of the throat, the ones that make a gag reflex, if she does that enough times shell be able to take you right in and deep throat you, the bonus with her learning to DT is she won't have to taste your sperm when you come because it will by pass the taste buds.

She can also practice this on her own until such time as she wants to try it out on you.

As mentioned in a similar post, always make sure you're clean and smelling nice down there. Under any loose skin and ridges,!
Don't push her head onto it, let her take it her own way,
Her ears are not handles.

Im serious about the banana for practice, ask her to have a go at practicing with one, she`ll also feel much less conscious if she is able to practice in this way.

If she learns to DT, you'll most certainly fill your boots with oral, sos to speak...

She could also practice with a vibrator, but that's a bit trickier...

I think OP should attempt it himself a few times first until he is comfortable with it. Then he can decide if wants to ask her to do the same.

Do you want 'porn character' (I won't even say porn star because of the editing involved) sex or a real woman who is willing to play 'anything but intercourse' games until you are married.

Quite frankly, I think you have an underlying fantasy of her 'letting go' and telling you to forget marriage.

It seems to be a trend of wanting wild passionate sex but not going 'all the way'. The problem is there is a huge difference between the mentality of 'wild and passionate' and staying in control so that you don't go 'too far'. Which do you really want?

You are experiencing what many masturbaters experience... people softness.

You are used to it one way and that is all you know.

You need to retrain your brain to get off differently.

Stop masturbating for a while and show your girl how to get you off.

Communication is needed here and she needs to understand your masturbation has made you inured to other ways of climax.
Start with showing her how you get off alone and see what happens.
You just need a different direction!

As said already. Its your masturbation habit causing the problem of you not being able to finish.

I suffered from this and had to stop masterbating cold turkey. Even then it took about 5 - 12 tries before I could climax with my girl, if not more. Your mind has to associate your love making with reaching orgasm. And also, your penis might be desensitized from all the masturbation.

Once the association is complete and you can climax with your girl, then you can occasionally masterbate. At least that's what my experience was.