Ask Me Help Desk - He Has a Girlfriend...

I've been talking to this guy that I've known for about two years (we used to work at the same place, and he was friends with my ex) we hung out occasionally and I had a crush on him in the very beginning, but I became involved with my ex and forgot about those feelings for the other guy.

Recently we started talking, and hanging out, I first agreed because I assumed it would be as friends as it always had been in the past. But after hanging out a few times he says he wants to be with me, and I feel the same way. I love the way I feel around him and really enjoy spending time with him. The only problem is, he has a girlfriend, He says he's not happy with her (he told me that a few months before we started hanging out the way we are now) He says there really isn't emotions on either side, but she relies on him and he doesn't want to just kick her to the curb, yet claims he knows he would be happy with me, and that I'm what he's looking for. He's told his bestfriend/roommate about us (and he likes the idea of us being together) but other than that is trying to keep it very hidden.

I told him I don't expect him to leave his girlfriend that he's been with for a really long time for me, and told him to just take his time to decide what is best for him and I'll still be here when he figures it out.

Should I give up on this guy? Is there a chance he may leave her for me? I don't want to be a homewrekcer, and I know that if he can do that to her, down the road the same thing could easily happen with me. But I believe in taking chances, and living for the moment, so I'm not really concerned with the possibility of a future heartbreak. Should I give it some more time to see if he is actually serious about leaving her, and then if it becomes clear that's not going to happen, completely forget about that idea, or should I run away now?

Please don't be to hard on me, I know it's not right, but I also know how I feel about him and how much I care about him, and it's hard to just forget about that.

In my experience, any guy that HAS a girlfriend (even if he doesn't want to be with her) and is willing to leave her at some point for someone else... he will probably end up doing it to you.

And besides, if he doesn't want to be with her bad enough he wouldn't hide the two of you hanging out and being "friends".. and he doesn't have to "kick her to the curb". They could remain friends, and he could help her in any way that she needed.

I think there is more to the story than he is telling you.:eek:

Does not matter what he is saying,but what his actions are saying,
And there saying,I'm with my girlfriend,but I would not mind something on the side if your up for it.

Walk away,if he wants you,he will dump his girlfriend,however,should that happen,your going to be rebound girl.

You need a few months between the two.

For me,id move on,too much hassel and deceit.

It's a big red flag that a guy wants to get with someone else before he has dealt with the one he is with.

That makes you both cheaters behind his girlfriends back, and honestly since you have known him for so long you should have known he was off limits.

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I first agreed because I assumed it would be as friends as it always had been in the past.

But when you found that it wasn't, you SHOULD have backed off, and told him NO WAY!! Do so now, or drown in the stupidity of your own s**t!!

To continue on this path will probably have you in the same situation as his girlfriend is in now, having a cheating boyfriend who is to cowardly to tell her.

Yes you messing around with a cheating, selfish, coward, so what does that say about you?

Sorry, that's as nice as I can put it.

Run far far away from him. This is the worst way to start a relationship. Let's say perhaps he did leave his girlfriend for you. During your whole relationship with him, you will always be paranoid of him doing this to you.

This is not worth the drama, heartbreak or time!!

I know this is a tempting situation - you like him, he likes you etc - but I advise you to stay away from him. Or, at the least, tell him that you'd love to go out with him when he's not attached.

If you start something with a guy who already has a girlfriend, you're not only going to look sleazy, but you're also risking breaking up a couple and you're going to be responsible for the hurt caused to his current girlfriend. That's some pretty serious stuff and I hope that you'll think about it and decide not to be that kind of person, just to satisfy your own whims.

Another factor to consider is that this guy doesn't seem like he cares much about his girlfriend's feelings, if he'd be prepared to date someone else behind her back. Can you picture how you'd feel if you were the girlfriend he was sneaking around on? Well, judging from this fellow's history, you might be the next girl he cheats on. Do think about that, too.

Taken all together, this doesn't sound like a winning combination. I'd strongly suggest you either find someone who isn't attached (that shouldn't be hard), or let this guy know that you won't date him while he's still got a girlfriend. If you do the second thing, then go into any relationship with your eyes wide open to his potentially untrustworthy history.

Ive always said never help any man do the dirty on his woman, all men would like to play around, and its up to us females to make sure they don't or can't by not allowing ourselves to take part in anything that's going to cause another female distress and hurt her.

So get out now.

You're just his bit on the side...

Thanks everyone, it was pretty much what I was telling myself, just needed to hear it from others. I'm going to back off, possibly still talk to him as friends, but not hang out or let it go any farther. BUT what if he does leave her and wants to give us a chance? Would it be wrong for me to do so? I'm not saying he will, I have no idea what he's planning on doing, but just something to consider I guess.

I think Abby if he breaks up with her, then it's a whole different situation. If he isn't happy with her then he needs to leave her. He is the only one that can change the situation, if he cares about you. It's a shame he stays in a situation that he isn't happy with.

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Originally Posted by abby917

BUT what if he does leave her and wants to give us a chance? Would it be wrong for me to do so??

If he does then you let him be single for 3 months minimum , that way he will have time to reflect on whether it's the right decision for him and you won't end up being the Rebound.

Please take the advice you've been given and understand that a man who cheats WITH you and his current girlfriend will cheat ON you later on. I made the mistake of involving myself with a serial cheater who has never been alone. All of his relationships overlap and he cheats on his current girlfriend with his next. He did it to me and I should've known better from the beginning because he was still with his ex when he started seeing me. I made the mistake of thinking he was truly happy with me and I would be the one he would never cheat on. Maybe that was very arrogant of me but I thought if I loved him enough I could change him.

Well, he did it to me. He cheated on me with several women over 5 years and he left me for one of them. Don't Do It!! Let him leave her first and let him stay single for a few months before you get involved in any form of relationship with him. If it's meant to be, it will happen. Don't be the other woman and don't fool yourself into thinking he won't do it to you... once a cheater, always a cheater.

I'm sorry but if you believe him either you are naïve or your hearing what you want to hear.

He knew a soft touch when he saw one and played you from the beginning. If he leaves her I don't think it will be for you.

And if he does leave her for you.. how long before the next "Skirt" turns his head.

Leave him alone.

Take the others advice...

My guy friend is going out with a girl who cheated on her ex with him.

She was going out with her ex for 3 years before she met my friend and cheated on him. She left her ex and has been going out with my friend for 3 months almost. But if she says she's not going to come over one night cause she's tired from work he freaks out thinking she's leaving him for someone else. Yeah he's over reacting as she worked the last 5 days for 11 hours each day. But he doesn't trust she won't leave him..

That would be you, even if he breaks up with his girlfriend you will know it will be for you. Will he in a few months break up with you for someone else? After months of worry is it all worth it?

You knew he had a girlfriend, so you shouldn't have given yourself the false hope that he may leave her... That being said, I've been in your position. One of my ex boyfriends (from over 7 years ago) kept me on a string for a VERY long time after we broke up. He would contact me randomly and we would occasionally meet up and hang out. It was NEVER a sexual thing (as we never even did that in the year and a half we were dating! ) I always believed we may end up together, it was just never the right time, as one of us was always involved with someone else. For several years, I would've dropped everything to be with him again, I loved him more than anything, but he got married, had a child, and we would still talk, usually through text messages, he would complain about how unhappy he was and how his wife knows he doesn't love her and is only with her for the child, I still believed him, and even VERY VERY stupidly met him for dinner one night (he was out of town for army stuff and I was coming back through that town from a family reunion) I know it was wrong, but at the time was young, stupid and selfish, (not an excuse) met him for dinner, had a good time, he asked me to go back to his hotel because he had something that was mine, I agreed (he did, he had a necklace that he had given me while we were dating) He tried kissing me and told me he regretted that he never got to make love to me. And that is the night I cut the string, and lost all respect for him. I had always viewed him as the most amazing, strongest, smartest, sweetest guy I had ever known, and in an instant he destroyed that image I had of him, and I was FINALLY able to move on. Needless to say I pointed out the fact that he was MARRIED, and left.

(I'm sorry for rambling)

I know it's hard when you truly have feelings for someone and care about them, and it doesn't help when they tell you how unhappy they are and how happy YOU make them. I don't know how long this has been going on, if it's been a long time and he's still with her, he's not going anywhere and you're only going to get hurt. If it's been a short time, maybe he will leave her, but do you really want to be the reason he left his girlfriend, the reason she'll be hurt and sad?

You say you like the way he makes you feel, and I'm sure when you two are together it's great! But how do you feel when you know he's with her? Hiding you from everyone? Or telling you he "can't" leave her? You can find an unattached guy that can make you feel that way ALL the time, a guy that is ONLY with you and telling you the sweet things you want to hear, a guy that will not keep you guys hidden, but show you off to his family and friends and be PROUD to be WITH you.

He's used you.. that should make you angry enough to get over him.

I am in that position is not easy. I let my ex go because he wasn't treating me how I was hoping. So I met this guy name Carlos and he had a girlfriend. I didn't know and another thing he is my first boyfriend. And I didn't know that until a few months into what ever we have. His girl found out and called me and I said OK I won't bother him. But you know he convince me he would leave her is been 10 months. Girl I am today running away from him, He isn't worth it. Trust me.. tell him either you leave her today or I will no longer deal with this.. . put your feet down and stand up for yourself. I know how that is. Today I will no longer deal with his lies. My ex is willing to do anything for me and I ma give him another chance. Wait for love. Don't believe jerks and liars. If he leaves her in one point in life he will come back .