Ask Me Help Desk - Unhappy and angry

Before I even begin to write this I know that it will be long so I'll make a concerted effort to be short.

I really don't want to have to explain myself, we all always do so much explaining when we are trying to figure our own selves out. It's really just bad communication.

I am unhappy and angry at my husband and my children for the way they behave. So angry that I want to leave them. My oldest is 15, his father died 14 years ago, he has been very difficult to raise, he was diagnosed at 7 as Bipolar and we have been on a roller coaster ride for so long and I need to get off. I have no help;his step-dad and he never bonded. No other family either. He is incredibly emotionally manipulative and argumentative. He tells me that hit is all my fault. Everything is my fault;his bad behavior;his bad attitude; his trouble with school. Everything. I say that isn't true; he has choices;he has to face consequences. He does everything he can to get out of those consequences. He begs and he cries and when I say no you will not behave that way that he turns it all on me a concentrated beam of blame and aggression. His teachers have mixed feelings some don't like him, some do. Adults outside the family think he is mature and entertaining; they like to be around him. My middle son loves to be with his big brother, but big brother only allows it if he his able to dominate him in some way. If I am talking to my middle son who is almost 8 about something my oldest will come in and interrupt so persistently until the focus is again on him. I have no energy left for him.None. My middle son is unhappy. He has a domineering brother, father and mother. I have to keep a very tight reign on everything he does because he is the kind of child who comes home from school and gets into everything the food cabinets, the tool drawers, my room, and takes apart things and dismantles the house. I come home and say pick up, put back and put away and he complains, gets angry, talks back, shouts, stomps, collapses to the floor and cries. I insist. He says I hate you, what do you do? You don't have to do anything, make so and so do it, it wasn't me, I'm running away, I'm going to kill myself. It is veryhard for me not to blame My husband for not being more proactive in my oldest's life, not being mor involved in our family activities ( the ones I plan) not communicating with me or making any kind of rules to live by, for just leaving it all up to me. I want to take my youngest son who is still actually very sweet and joyful for some reason and get our own place.

WOW! I feel bad for you. Your are in a very sticky situation and I can understand the frustration and feeling of having your back against the wall.

All I can offer is, is there a mental health home you can get assistance with him. Are you able to put him in a home until he can get himself under control? Is he on any medications?

Be prepared for some of the feedback you may get here about--he's your responsibility, you can't walk out on your son, so on and so forth. Some of it may be very harsh! But I can tell by your post you seem at wits end and YOU need help before YOU break down.

You need to get him in some sort of program, it sounds as though you need a break from this. Are you able to go to like Social Services and see if they offer anything.

My heart go out to you and your 8 year old son. Maybe you two (8 year old) can take some time and do something together. I hate to see your 8 yr old fall between the cracks. Is he feeling neglected because your older son is taking all of your energy?

My thoughts and prayers are with you. :o

In many states you can get respite to come in and take your son for a weekend. It offers you a chance to recoup before he returns. Contact child protective services, (don't be afraid of the name) they can point you in the right direction and offer you assistance for your son. As a teacher of students with emotional difficulties I know many students who go to respite and they enjoy it.

Thanks BIM. We have been on the medication train for years now and he does seem as if he is getting moodier and more self obsessed than he has ever been before. He has a therapist that he goes to once a week. It is true that I am at my wits end, my brain just doesn't haveany answers. I dread even facing him. I know he will come home today andif I try to say hey you can't get on the computer because you missed your alarm clock again this morning "why don't you do your chores and then start doing some homework,I know your failing Algebra. Why don't you do those missing assignments you told me about?" He will say that he can't do his homework because of some reason and he won't get on the computer but he will start talking to me sarcastically and start blaming me or say that it wasn't his fault then my heart will start to race and my chest will feel heavy and my throat will ache and I will say something back and he will say something back and I will try not talking and he will say "Are you just going to sit there and ignore me? you really just don't give a care about me do you?" And what I will really want to say is that no I don't care about whatever problems you are having because you will not try to do anything about them. You only complain and blame everyone else" And he will something even ruder and ruder until I start screaming at him. And part of me will think this is exactly what he wants.

Get all of you into family counseling asap. Start with a call to his therapist (only out of ethical courtesy but I am a bit suspicious of him, you'll see why later) and if you aren't satisified with his response, talk to his supervisor or ask for a referral. This is no longer one child being dysfunctional, it's the whole family, each in their own way, including the sweet little one. Start by talking it over with your husband and then, if he can agree, make a united front to all your kids and go, drag them if necessary. I don't think your son's therapist has done anything like an adequate job here. Good grief! Unchecked sick people make other people sick and crazy around them, and that is a fact. To undo the damage will take all of you with some professional help capable of getting results. To suffer like this is not right--- you all have acclimated to the sick and therefore made it grow. Time to take a new direction. I hope you act soon.

You absolutely need to get control of this situation and this child! NOW! You and the rest of your family cannot deal with this another second.

Call his therapist, call a new one. I forgot how old this child is. Is it possible maybe you and your 8 year old can go spend the night with grandma? If he is and older teenager, maybe you need to get out of the house for the evening.

You need a break.

It appears to me that his medications are no longer working either.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BIM

I forgot how old this child is. Is it possible maybe you and your 8 year old can go spend the night with grandma?? If he is and older teenager, maybe you need to get out of the house for the evening.

I went back to your post--your son is 15. If nothing else take the 8 year old out for a couple hours, just the two of you.

He sounds out of control to me. What state do you live in? We have a crisis program here that takes out of control children 10-14 days. The children have a new appreciation for home when they return. If that doesn't work there is always residential placement. I agree with the previous posts, whatever his therapist is or isnt doing is Not working.

BOOT CAMP!

You really need counseling for everyone, though, because you mentioned all these separate issues that everyone has. A counselor would be able to tell your husband to get off his (he needs to hear it from someone besides you). The sessions could also enlighten you about things you may be doing unintentionally to exacerbate the behavior. They can recommend help for your oldest and middle child, too. The youngest will benefit because you catch the problems before he starts to act out, as well. You can't do all this alone.

Call the Nanny on ABC. You need her or someone like her. I agree with everyone else here but taking an afternoon break is just a temp out. You have to be the Parent. IF he cries and stomps his feet let him until he gets tired and stops. Classical Conditioning says that if you want to stop behaviors ignor them. They'll get worse at first but will eventually, after a lot of dealing with it, go away. He'll try something new but ignore that too. Don't ask him if he's got homework. Tell him in no uncertain terms to get in there and do your homework. If he fights, and he will, punish him in a way that means something to him. Take something away. Make him do chores which he absolutely hates to do. Follow it up with fantastic rewards for doing the right things. Whatever he says--so what. You know he is trying to manipulate you and you are letting him. Stop being the child and start being the parent. When you are having a conversation or spending time with your other boy or anybody for that matter tell him to stop and punish him if he does not. Tell your husband you need his help. Be specific, consistent, and insistent. What kind of man lets the love of his life go through this alone? I've got a huge amount more to say but won't for now. One of the first things you should do is get a different counselor. I hold a Masters in Social Work here in New York. I am telling you this guy is not right for you. It does not mean he/she is not a good counselor. He is just not what you need. Find a new one and don't take no for an answer. I'm going to say it and most folks here will chastise me for saying it but if I am being as compassionate as I can be I have to say it. Quit being the victim and start being a strong figurehead parent. One last thing. Never tell the 15 yr old that the 8 yr old is so sweet. Also do not give him the feeling or say outright that you prefer the younger. Him thinking this may be why he acts the way he does. Listen, teenagers, mentally ill or not, need attention. If they can't get it through good acts they will do whatever bad act it takes. Now light a candle and take a hot bath. Close your eyes and imagine the house and home life you want.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. " I believe that was Henry David Thoreau. I might be wrong.
Br