Ask Me Help Desk - Feeling trapped in a marriage

I do not understand her thinking on this,,

I have been married to her for 21 years, been with her 23 years. We have three children together, all over 16 years old. I have 2 in college and 1 in high school. I provide a good living for my family, she has not worked a job in over 20 years. She stays home. Since the children have gotten older I have begged her to get a job to help me out, I have to work one full time job and one part time to keep things a float. She is always doing thing for other people like at the church or school or running errans for other people, or she is cooking meals for them at my expense. It cost a lot in gas and food to do this, I show her how much it cost and she acts like it does not matter, I ask her why she does not get a job and her reply is that if she got a job it would interfere with her helping other people out, and I think that is not fair, I provide a new car for her to drive, a checking account to use for household expense, a cell phone and internet. In return she cannot keep the house clean like it needs to be, runs the car 10,000 miles past the oil change, and yes that number is correct, she drinks a 12 pack a day of beer yes a 12 pack, she stays mad at the world all the time or is mad at somebody over dumb things, she moved out of our bed on to the couch last December, for what reason I do not know, she has lost the diamond I gave her last year and lost her wedding ring last December, she said she lost it at a store and she would not even call the store to ask them. She lie,s to me almost every day, and takes money from me without even asking and buys stuff or does stuff for other people at my expense, I am talking 200 to 500 dollars at a time I complain that this money needs to go into the household and she should care less. I gave my family a big Christmas last year, and I did not even get a piece of gum from any of the 4 of them, yes that hurt. What is a Guy to do here??

Sounds to me like she is using you. I stay at home and I don't have kids. I cook, clean and even mow the yard (with a push mower) so my husband doesn't have to do it. My husband is great. He gets me whatever I need BUT I do not ask him for anything unless it's necessary. I have a car here so I can go out but I never go anywhere unless it's out for a job interview or doctor's appointment. I'm in the process of trying to find a parttime job as I type this so I can save some money for us. It sounds like she is taking advantage of you and I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't cheating since you say she sleeps on the couch. I doubt she lost her rings. My guess is she pawned them. I would start by taking the check book away from her. Do not give her money for anything... not even gas unless it is an emergency. I would also have the internet cut off. Oh, and why is she driving the new car? We have one new car and my husband is driving it because he's paying for it. I drive his old truck that doesn't have air and I'm not complaining. She should be grateful. If I were you I'd be looking into a divorce. Don't let her use you.

How long has she been doing this?
She is doing what you allow her to do and it obviously has an effect on the kids and they got you nothing for Christmas.
Has it always been this way?
You have to decide if you want to continue living this way.
Has she always drank that much?
Did something happen before she moved to the couch?
Have you suggested counseling?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

How long has she been doing this?
She is doing what you allow her to do and it obviously has an effect on the kids and they got you nothing for Christmas.
Has it always been this way?
You have to decide if you want to continue living this way.
Has she always drank that much?
Did something happen before she moved to the couch?
Have you suggested counseling?

She moved to the couch in dec 09, why I do not know, she has been drinking heavy for 2 years, I have begged her to stop all it turns into is a fight so I quit asking her to stop, she takes on doing so much for other people that she stays up all night cooking for them or putting pressure on her self trying to do things for other people that she drinks to ease the pressure, I have seen her up at 4:30 drinking beer and will drink all day long

Sounds like your wife is dealing with some kind of psychosis, maybe depression and she is self medicating by drinking. Something has happened to trigger this behavior. Has she always had this overwhelming need to do for others, is she feeling guilt about something? When is the last time she has seen a doctor?

What in your life has changed that you are now tired if this. This has been going in for many years. Your wife moves out of the bed and you don't wonder what's going on?

You have enabled her behavior for a long time. She can't have money to throw away unless you give it to her, have you spoken with your kids about their behavior?
Talk to your wife about getting some help, if she refuses then it maybe time for you to remove yourself from the marriage or get some help yourself.

If you can't handle your money any better than to let your drunk wife piss it off, then you get no sympathy from me. That would probably change a lot of things she is doing, but the bottom line is its YOU that have allowed her to get away with this kind of behavior. Yes even the drinking.

Just me, I would be glad she was sleeping on the couch. Now pack your bags, and see a lawyer, and let her know you ain't taking no more of her crap!! She gets help, or gets out. I bet your kids have no respect for either of you, and I can't blame them.

There is a big lack of honest communication going on here. She has slept on the couch for the past five months, and you don't know why?

It sounds like many people depend on her generosity, and she has likely got in over her head if she has to stay up and cook all night for some function. She probably has a difficult time saying 'no'.

I understand you feeling resentful, and that she isn't pulling her weight at home. Maybe she is just too tired or worn out.

When she takes several hundred dollars out of the bank- where does that money go.

Is it possible that there is a gambling addiction going on here? Do you know what she does during the day? I agree she probably sold the rings for a purpose.

When did she start drinking a 12 pack a day. Is this a recent development? And prior to the money missing, and the drinking, what was your life like- did she keep up with the housework and chores?

Depending upon the length of these changes, whether recent, or going on for years, will help determine just what to do about it.

I would consider limiting her access to the bank account if it were me. I would also address your concerns directly to her, and stop wondering what's going on, and take some action in a non-confrontational way.

For instance, see if you can't arrange a night out with her. Give her notice so that she can manage her other obligations (for now), and go somewhere quiet. Try your best to confront her on the issues, but don't condemn, or judge. See where she is coming from. I don't think it would be unkind at all to ask her about the money, or the drinking, or see if you can't get a feel for why things are the way they are.

No offense, but I think your head is in the sand a little bit here. The symptoms she displays are obvious to a more serious problem, and it's time to try to get to the bottom of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

There is a big lack of honest communication going on here. She has slept on the couch for the past five months, and you don't know why?

It sounds like many people depend on her generosity, and she has likely got in over her head if she has to stay up and cook all night for some function. She probably has a difficult time saying 'no'.

I understand you feeling resentful, and that she isn't pulling her weight at home. Maybe she is just too tired or worn out.

When she takes several hundred dollars out of the bank- where does that money go.

Is it possible that there is a gambling addiction going on here? Do you know what she does during the day? I agree she probably sold the rings for a purpose.

When did she start drinking a 12 pack a day. Is this a recent development? And prior to the money missing, and the drinking, what was your life like- did she keep up with the housework and chores?

Depending upon the length of these changes, whether recent, or going on for years, will help determine just what to do about it.

I would consider limiting her access to the bank account if it were me. I would also address your concerns directly to her, and stop wondering what's going on, and take some action in a non-confrontational way.

For instance, see if you can't arrange a night out with her. Give her notice so that she can manage her other obligations (for now), and go somewhere quiet. Try your best to confront her on the issues, but don't condemn, or judge. See where she is coming from. I don't think it would be unkind at all to ask her about the money, or the drinking, or see if you can't get a feel for why things are the way they are.

No offense, but I think your head is in the sand a little bit here. The symptoms she displays are obvious to a more serious problem, and it's time to try to get to the bottom of it.

She has been drinking heavy for 2 years, She has been on this do everything for everybody kick for over 5 years, and yes I think I am wrong for having put up with it for so long. I kept telling myself stick in here for the kids, is that the right reason I do not know, she I do not think sold any rings, she lost the diamond out of the ring, still has the ring, she just did not even try to find it, on the money she does not gamble I am sure of that, she takes the money and does things for other people the main thing is she is a good cook, and you are right she CANNOT tell no one no and they are always calling wanting her to do things for them, the house has not stayed clean for over 5 years like it needs to be, we butt heads over it and it will stay clean for about a month or so then someone will call and she is back to doing for others, just like the drinking we will butt heads she will quit for about a month or so and we get along great then, then she will start drinking and here we go again, YES

Quote:

Originally Posted by grapevinerunner

She has been drinking heavy for 2 years, She has been on this do everything for everybody kick for over 5 years, and yes I think I am wrong for having put up with it for so long. I kept telling myself stick in here for the kids,, is that the right reason I do not know, she I do not think sold any rings, she lost the diamond out of the ring, still has the ring, she just did not even try to find it, on the money she does not gamble I am sure of that, she takes the money and does things for other people the main thing is she is a good cook, and you are right she CANNOT tell no one no and they are always calling wanting her to do things for them,, the house has not stayed clean for over 5 years like it needs to be, we butt heads over it and it will stay clean for about a month or so then someone will call and she is back to doing for others, just like the drinking we will butt heads she will quit for about a month or so and we get along great then,, then she will start drinking and here we go again, YES

YES MY HEAD IS IN THE SAND, I am looking to see what I want to do, right now I am just lost about this matter and I am seeking outside advice. So thanks to you all for your help

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

If you can't handle your money any better than to let your drunk wife piss it off, then you get no sympathy from me. That would probably change a lot of things she is doing, but the bottom line is its YOU that have allowed her to get away with this kind of behavior. Yes even the drinking.

Just me, I would be glad she was sleeping on the couch. Now pack your bags, and see a lawyer, and let her know you ain't taking no more of her crap!!! She gets help, or gets out. I bet your kids have no respect for either of you, and I can't blame them.

WOW!! Thanks that hurt when I read it but you know you are right.

You are the 3rd person to tell me that is a round about way, Do you have any other thoughts on this matter? I like to hear from someone like you.

" Things better change fast baby, or you are out of here!"

Then back your words up with actions.

I still would like to know why you tolerated this behavior from your wife for so long and what has now happened in your life that you want to change things?

You have enabled her, allowed your kids to disrespect you, let your wife sleep on the couch since 09 and now this is a problem you can't cope with, you're feeling trapped?
Has another person come into your life and now you're feeling trapped?